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Indulgences - Billy - 12-13-2015
This topic evolves from a little problem in having effectively turned the experience of pain into pleasure. As per the topic heading, content here leans toward unabated selfish expression.
Me, me, me, me. "Do re 'me' fa so la ti do" > Whatever me wants to say in a loose, unstructured thread. {others are welcome to join here similarily (or any other which way soever)}
I intend to become sensational, exaggerated, and yet honest to my spirit.
Indulgences - Billy - 12-13-2015
I'm sure you've all had the experience of seemingly 'coming out of your skin.'
You are so moved from within that it feels like every sensation is pressing outward because the intensity is too much to contain.
I have become so adept at directing sensation inward, that when the intensity is too much to contain, this 'coming out of my skin' experience is felt backwards.
To explain briefly, the ability to hold life's tension/energy at my center is becoming almost painful. It is not hyperbole here to say that even (or especially) pleasure brings tinges of pain.
Well, to exaggerate only slightly, intense pleasure is intensely felt as pain also.
I began this topic Indulgences, because of what is much {too much}.
Indulgences - Billy - 12-13-2015
I'm sure you've all had the experience of seemingly 'coming out of your skin.'
You are so moved from within that it feels like every sensation is pressing outward because the intensity is too much to contain.
I have become so adept at directing sensation inward, that when the intensity is too much to contain, this 'coming out of my skin' experience is felt backwards.
To explain briefly, the ability to hold life's tension/energy at my center is becoming almost painful. It is not hyperbole here to say that even (or especially) pleasure brings tinges of pain.
Well, to exaggerate only slightly, intense pleasure is intensely felt as pain also.
I began this topic Indulgences, because of what is much {too much}.
Indulgences - Billy - 12-13-2015
Philosopher Suffering with Pleasure Who likes to SUFFER? Certainly not me, but... You have to enter fully into suffering like a God damn son of a ****... and be content with whatever.. whether it's a bucket of honey or a bucket of ****.. try to ENJOY IT- for in that manner one will have plenty of pleasure...
Indulgences - Billy - 12-13-2015
Distinguishing detachment now from earlier on (say even a year ago), I do not have connection to objective reality (manifestation) as much as to my sense of existential 'quandry.' The tensions or energies of angst are different. The very second they arise, they are become cumulative energy to some degree. I would describe this transfer of energy as neutral (certainly not negative). I do not desire a union with manifestation for sure; yet, ALL (spiritually, bodily, maritally, socially, etc.) is manifesting advantageously. This is more than okay, but I am being moved over the top concerning the energetic body/aura. The GRACE of energy inward is sometimes awesome really. I think I came very close to seeing my energy body last night. Whatever happened, it was new and amazingly exciting.
Still truthfully, I have this desire to fall off of world perception into an oblivion for the perfected act of negation. What is beautiful here.. this is the truth.
The world and controlled folly is more and more become an unthreatening PLAYGROUND. I can USE it, make it my platform to plunge into the abyss of desired negation. I want that as a consumate craving, and I DO TRUST myself to negate as such. I don't know if whatever consequence matters, or/and if that it be sublime awareness or literal (or spiritual) annihilation.
Indulgences - Billy - 12-14-2015
compliments of and to kaomea.. In a way, I am speaking Pidgin.
Indulgences - Billy - 12-14-2015
'I' the subject, is conditioned to take whatever influence from a world out there. In detachment, one learns to divest themselves from the effect, but only in bits and pieces early on. As one gets good, the practice moves forward to a more pervasive and complete separation from the world and its derivatives that are in self-reflecting.. you think of this here typically as personal history and self-importance.
Anyway, words are getting in the way. In detachment, the space you feel has possibilities you don't comprehend in early practices, because the focus is on feeling space and 'cleansing.' Still, as you move out again, there is practical keenness to see, choose, and act with acuity; and, it is important to utilize this capability to reinforce the value of gaining separation.
Eventually, you stay in the created free space long enough to observe its nuances, one of which is its attractiveness.. meaning that it is receptive space. One example to observe in your own life involves relationship. If you maintain the space of pure detachment, though significantly engaged otherwise, notice how the dynamics has changed. In true separation, you are not concerned with this other person, and they inevitably compensate and draw to you.
However, as one on a path or in the warrior's way, impeccability is the game. You will discern quickly that this attraction in detachment entails a certain principle of energy > that is, if used (without learning its art) everything you attract begets energy dilution. I am giving you the idea now > you must TRULY want to preserve the purity of space, and WANT to divorce from concern with what it is you can attract.
You will begin drawing in undirected energy. YOU WANT THIS ENERGY!! When the idea I am talking about actualizes, it is likely to be an unmanageable, though auspicious feeling realization. It will take practice here (do not worry how you choose or happen to deflect the energy overload). Once you realize the energy gained in this profound use of separation, you will also immediately know it is accessibly yours forever.
Now we are at the point I came here to make.. of discussing the IDEA of bringing ALL of the energy inward without dispersement, without dilution. In order to do that, I want to talk of nuances I'm learning to recognize.
Firstly, you are defacto free from personal history and self-importance. {that is to say, the energy field in advanced detachment spoken of here, precludes the significant imput of your own indulgences. Though you superficially have them, the spirit of your idea will prevail (you will see this over and over again until you no longer have disbelief).
Secondly, this idea's mobilization exists because you have somewhere to hold this energy in you. This 'somewhere' is YOUR emptiness. It is infinite, yet it is quite personal, and imagine this.. it even allows reintroduction of personal history and self-importance. Smile.. WHY? Because the infinite emptiness is all you really have now. Everything else is trivial..
Thirdly, the existential anxiety (and even those small matters from which comes a sigh) are also received as an energetic formation. You know this, because detachment within detachment (the prolific detached way of being) always allows a conscious pause. So as you are therewith the pang of unpleasant existential tension, the pause at once is appraisal and conversion to energetic indifference.
Fourthly (hmmm) "What does it mean to absorb the energy into your emptiness? Really?
This is why the tonal must be in order. The tonal reflects the POINT . of awareness that perceivably exists in your emptiness. That point is the awareness of you, and is to be refined as much in the work of the tonal as it is in the spirit of detachment. Controlled folly does not alleviate you from having to believe. Detachment requires responsibility (You must believe what you pretend to in the tonal)
That point in emptiness becomes remarkably sharp; it attracts the energy like a black hole in the universe.
I likely will have more as this is new to me..
Indulgences - Billy - 12-16-2015
Just a small reminder: As much as all the wonderous dreams and enlightenment he encouraged, my first friend of awareness pounded into me the awareness of sharing the universal baseness (and empathy) of being human. And, my second friend of awareness was a black man of 'lowly' station in life, and he surely understood and was grounded in awareness of that human condition. I won't speak for my third friend of awareness, and only add that I too am well grounded in my awareness of the inherent universal inadequacy, insecurity, and endurance of the human experience.
And also again, I'll say I stretch out my vision and magnify the intensity here of some of the doings and feelings. However, no matter how uncommon to other humans, I am not fabricating anything.
I know what is going on with me is fairly unique.. Still, what I am doing is rationally sound and is based on logical principles. What you should know, most importantly, is that I am the author of my posts (nothing is secondhand, I am being 100% empirically authentic, I am real).
I say this because: If you happen to be as you do looking in a mirror, start trusting that you are self-learning. As you gleen that you SEE THIS, realize that it becomes your own by PAYING ATTENTION.
I'm not tricking you here.. PAY ATTENTION to what is important.
Indulgences - Billy - 12-16-2015
Remember the Julio-facepalm exercise? So, when I talk about detachment and the catching of self clinging to thought etc., what is actually going on? 'Catching self' hmm > paying attention. Right?
I said make sure you indulge the success of this just a bit. Catch (pay attention to) this little indulgence too.
When I have initial existential anxiety I 'catch' (pay attention to) this emanation. Detachment intitally, is making space to enable paying attention with clarity............ ....
Now detachment is conversely PAYING ATTENTION to ATTENTION ITSELF as existential spatiality. This existential spatiality is manifested partly in bodily awareness. As objective reality is detached from wholesale further on, ATTENTION >AWARENESS is more or less habitually divested from the emanations. These emanations, instead of impingement followed by self-reflection, are plainly fuel > energy.
Further on {what I am just beginning to describe}, ATTENTION manifest in bodily sensations is unable alone to absorb so much energy. I bring it through my body to the point (billy) in vast, dark emptiness.
It is not possible for me to deflect this energy into worldly objects. (I don't know the working principle here); I only know, defacto, that want of attachments for any reason is not feasible for me.
I would say this is great (LAUGHING), except it brings some serious (though welcome) challenges. Truthfully though, I am just touching this for the first time.
So, now where I do engage objects (the world), I season them with my wisdom and consume the energy. I am not going to willfully allow energy to leave me anymore. This is my intent.
Indulgences - Billy - 12-16-2015
I included the 'Pidgin girl video' to let you know that it gives an idea of the tone and spirit of my writings as I would present them. The girl is not heavy, but has her word. She is a little of irreverant, edgy, fun, self-deprecating, offish, proud, and still contained. That was well done.. great spirit.
"I'm not tricking you here.. PAY ATTENTION to what is important." I did not elaborate that remark on purpose. What is important is paying attention to paying attention. If you are heavy with learning, do something different. I am asking only that you pay attention to looking at yourself with simple and complete honesty. Knowledge specificity (though conveyed) is not imperative. Principles of sharpening attention to self matters a whole lot. I've said this over and over, you are already whole. Fear exists only in the illusion of your fate, and you are afraid to see yourself as you are because of this.
Alchemist (recommended by transitions) might be a helpful read to cultivate this awareness, but the depth of self-awareness goes further. I apologize that the last few pieces here are mediocre.. overly wordy.. not on point.. I'll do better.
smile
Indulgences - Billy - 12-17-2015
Prior quote: "It is not possible for me to deflect this energy {energy overload} into worldly objects." (I said I wasn't sure of the working principle) I have the idea as to how this works now..
It is not at all incongruous to bring virtually all energy in, and yet embark on projecting 'out' to the world as I have never done dynamically before. My projections out are not differentiated from the general detachment from world emanations and connected reflections and emotions. I am a person in control (as much as I choose in controlled folly), but why bother projecting out is the question?
I also more clearly understand the need for choosing a structure of work and 'discipline' (avocation/vocation) in the tonal. As I have become empty of 'meaningful' (they never were) relationships with what exists beside me, and such illusion becomes clearer, I have gutted the aura of energy from it > akin to the feel of The Stranger (Albert Camus). It is not futility at play here, but a perception of weakness in the field of beingness, ESPECIALLY as it relates to 'out there.'
Am I too existential here?
Anyway, as billy of emptiness (emptiness of billy?) consumes energy, the emptiness wins every time. The impotence of energy itself is manifest to billy, but there are no outs in the existential equation. Thus, the fruitless exercise of work and discipline in the tonal (projection outward) is only to elaborate empty existential mechanics. As one is irretrievably lost, as I certainly am, the echoes of hollowed self in black emptiness is by definition AWARENESS. SEE, life is not grand!
That my awareness may or may not have created an illusion of otherness, is not relevant (yet). All I know now is my aloneness. Isn't that SAD? {Laughing sadly, happily.}
I have no idea as to why emptiness would become not emptiness other than the prurience. So, long story short, the energy stays put in empty billy, and the illusary projected objective of the world is to imaginarily get fucked, so billy can actualize his meaninglessness and become AWARE as an object in the vast dark emptiness that is called existence.
Indulgences - Billy - 12-17-2015
ARE WE HAVING FUN YET? Smiles
Indulgences - Billy - 12-18-2015
I doubt there are many still with me here, but I am very close to the mark. I said, "The impotence (NOT importance) of energy itself is manifest to billy."
So, as the billy of emptiness consumes energy, I am really talking about the consumation of my own worthlessness as expressive of existential energetic impotence. I SEE universal impotence as I SEE truth in being myself.. this is why detachment, and this is why detachment without boundary. Detachment acumen is to finally SEE that energy itself (or/and existence as represented by energy) is flat out weak.
Energy is a wet noodle, and so it is an illusion to mistake manifestation as powerful. I say the form is 'real,' but that it is 100% MEANINGLESS, and one's preception should not fooled.
If you think I don't know what I am saying, I suggest you explore to the core the emanations of self identity you desperately wish not to SEE. Truth without self-penetration is lip service. Do not be afraid of the truth.. intend to SEE it in utter acquiescence. Deflation therewith will fill you with sensational GRACE.
Indulgences - Billy - 12-18-2015
I tell a story in my book how the head wrestling coach was in the weight room lifting 250
pounds easily. He was only one weight class higher than me. I had just started assisting him
at the high school a few weeks prior.
I was grooming the kids to believe in me and my techniques. To this point, I had worked on
mechanics, and had not participated in full out 'round robins.'
I could barely lift half of what he could, and a couple boys rolled their eyes, and some
raised their eyebrows in doubt of my credibility.
Adding intrigue to this story, before I started substituting, Susan had allowed the head coach
to leave a Christmas faculty party with her the year prior. He couldn't get anywhere, not
even a date. He was aggravated to know she was going with me.
Returning to the wrestling room, the head coach was feeling himself puffed up. As if casually,
he asks, "Do you want to go a little?"
Immediately, all the boys clear off the mats. This is a happening to be watched.
I am nasty and mean-spirited. I beat the **** out of him mercilessly for ten minutes or
more. I inflict physical pain when I can. I nearly break his nose with my forearm; I try to
make it bloody. More than several times, I force him to groan in humiliation. I
dominate him 100%.
When it was over, he tried to self-deprecate out loud. Too late for that!
I was happy, because I knew the kids would be receptive to learn. A year later the
team won their conference division Championship. It would be the first time.
I hold many proud stories. I want to show here that there is no need for timidity, or want of
change to become humble. Still, there is a personal private necessity to SEE yourself candidly
to become free.
I can for sure stand atop when I choose, but I have foundation at the bottom.
ADD:
"there is a personal private necessity to SEE yourself candidly to become free... have foundation at the bottom.
'Warrior's Way Wannabe' (WWW) is in a typical social setting with Master Alpha drawing on primitive self-protective emotions. WWW is defending self-images that are in flux. This is not doable, so an array of self-identities disintegrate.. WWW shrinks before Master Alpha's eyes.
WWW is always going to be in failing survival mode with Master Alpha unless he/she understands the reality and value of self-isolation first.
Inadequacy and vulnerability are natural phenomena. Do not bury that; penetrate your weaknesses and compensate with total understanding.
{Master Alpha does not exist, the social situation does not exist the same way. You know the misguided objective of upholding images, and so consume the phantom energy of otherness.
OMG, I am so empirically remembering that the universe has virtually no power. It is weak, very very weak.
Indulgences - Billy - 12-19-2015
I tell a story in my book how the head wrestling coach was in the weight room lifting 250
pounds easily. He was only one weight class higher than me. I had just started assisting him
at the high school a few weeks prior.
I was grooming the kids to believe in me and my techniques. To this point, I had worked on
mechanics, and had not participated in full out 'round robins.'
I could barely lift half of what he could, and a couple boys rolled their eyes, and some
raised their eyebrows in doubt of my credibility.
Adding intrigue to this story, before I started substituting, Susan had allowed the head coach
to leave a Christmas faculty party with her the year prior. He couldn't get anywhere, not
even a date. He was aggravated to know she was going with me.
Returning to the wrestling room, the head coach was feeling himself puffed up. As if casually,
he asks, "Do you want to go a little?"
Immediately, all the boys clear off the mats. This is a happening to be watched.
I am nasty and mean-spirited. I beat the **** out of him mercilessly for ten minutes or
more. I inflict physical pain when I can. I nearly break his nose with my forearm; I try to
make it bloody. More than several times, I force him to groan in humiliation. I
dominate him 100%.
When it was over, he tried to self-deprecate out loud. Too late for that!
I was happy, because I knew the kids would be receptive to learn. A year later the
team won their conference division Championship. It would be the first time.
I hold many proud stories. I want to show here that there is no need for timidity, or want of
change to become humble. Still, there is a personal private necessity to SEE yourself candidly
to become free.
I can for sure stand atop when I choose, but I have foundation at the bottom.
ADD:
"there is a personal private necessity to SEE yourself candidly to become free... have foundation at the bottom.
'Warrior's Way Wannabe' (WWW) is in a typical social setting with Master Alpha drawing on primitive self-protective emotions. WWW is defending self-images that are in flux. This is not doable, so an array of self-identities disintegrate.. WWW shrinks before Master Alpha's eyes.
WWW is always going to be in failing survival mode with Master Alpha unless he/she understands the reality and value of self-isolation first.
Inadequacy and vulnerability are natural phenomena. Do not bury that; penetrate your weaknesses and compensate with total understanding.
{Master Alpha does not exist, the social situation does not exist the same way. You know the misguided objective of upholding images, and so consume the phantom energy of otherness.
OMG, I am so empirically remembering that the universe has virtually no power. It is weak, very very weak.
Indulgences - Billy - 12-19-2015
As a caveat to serloco, just in case he takes exception to the unintended inference: {I mean, in case he wants to tear me a new ****, anatomically rearrange it on my forehead (this, to let me SEE how full of **** I am)}
Remember how it is in visits to loneliness.
Who will understand?
Yes, you can empathize with an otherness that has similar sadness in such remembering. But, who will mirror and celebrate its delectable virtue like billy?
..to be deleted, smile
Indulgences - Billy - 12-19-2015
It is possible I am holding myself up.. NOT (not a possibility). I am grounded in the existential premise. I sooner desire and seek out unendurable pain in infinite unforgiving time than incline to self-glorification.
Why? 1) I dislike existence for starters. I would not peg it with glory even if via self-actualization. Gaawd! (GOD) can do that {laughing}.
2) I do like self-abasement a whole lot. My auspicious life rose up from out of the ashes of a self remade by fire. I mean, I know pain.. brazzen (maybe) > I know its pleasure.
Nothing of this I say is completely truthful because truth is in itself and not in figures. I am pushing words around to suit my foolishness.
To give context to this piece would require obscene, lurid, erotic description of how I want to really say things.
Oh my. I could get very colorful too.
Indulgences - Billy - 12-19-2015
Awareness is a constant choice. I often retreated from that immnense responsibility. Practicing awareness makes it more or less habitual. The less can be where I fall down. I make light of existence, but I am serious about quality survival.
Indulgences - Mornings Son - 12-20-2015
IMO Awareness is a constant premises at the core of being human, awareness of the Awareness is rare.
awareness is a constant choise... what if you choose being in flow?
but are you talking of mindfullness?
Indulgences - Billy - 12-20-2015
Awareness here= having presence with objectivity (yes > mindfulness). Even intentional retreat such as a leisure walk can have that presence without specificity other than the intent as object. And that would also be an example of being in the flow if the mind is not constrained by weightiness or/and fixated in self reflection.
Awareness is not magic. Awareness of the awareness is rare. The highest level of such that I have experienced I have termed nirvana. I think that the LSD "GOD" experience approximates awareness of awareness, though I would say that true awareness of awareness has the auspices of reason at its base. In nirvana, reason steps back away (though in perfect union with identity) to celebrate one's show with spectacular affirmation.
I cannot tell you how welcome your input here at this time. Thank you so much Mornings Son. It is truly a blessing.
Indulgences - Billy - 12-20-2015
As I am going to live eternally, I have figured out that patience is very helpful.
Indulgences - Mornings Son - 12-20-2015
striving to become an arhat or death defiler the Don Juan style?
Indulgences - Billy - 12-21-2015
MS > Striving to become an arhat or death defiler the Don Juan style?
I had the fortune of having my first friend of high awareness be a stickler for grounding the 'spiritual' in every day living with focus on decision making. My second friend of high awareness was a stickler for attending to work and paying attention to details and the proper ordering of life. Both were very grounded themselves, and maintained great focus always.
Personally, I never sought a formal awareness attainment. If I stay present I am aware; and I recognize various degrees. I simply learned that self-awareness with objectivity is the most qualatitive state to be in.
Detachment is self-awareness and objectivity. One's choices typically reflect that state.
My empiricism as to death is one that evolves. It wasn't until the recapitulation through my newfound writing a few years ago that the idea of eternal energy arose. Prior, it was, "I die, and that's it."
Here is an excerpt from what I wrote then:
"I am not in a hurry to get anywhere. I am not getting out of myself (energy) no how
and no way.
Why hurry? (hurry where?) BUT BECAUSE of energy's cycle, I necessarily get lost in
concepts like worry, hurry, not rush, and fear FOREVER; I 'really' (not real) do want to
get out in a hurry.
My tool reason {FOR detachment} lets the false 'reality' of wanting
to get out, be identified as the one word--FALSE. So now the Myth of Sisyphus state is
laughable just like sadness can be. This fucking, failing futility brings joy > that is exactly
worded the right way and without hyperbole--IF understood in the way of
enlightenment. NEVERTHELESS, I talk about watching myself in a cognizance called awareness
(with enlightenment et al)--AND I'm still lost..."
{I explain how I achieve transformation and sensible clarity}
Anyway, I was ready for when serloco told me I was going to live eternally. I was receiving him as a prefect mirror image of myself, and all he bestowed was made empirically true.. and become form! I have to laugh..
In the conventional sense, it is astounding what has transpired. Yet, nothing ever surprised me because of how easily within myself I have remained. serloco likes that about me (SMILE). I love serloco.
Mornings Son, for the record here, I intentionally present my ideas such that I have mastered them. That is nowhere near the truth. The principles are right; the degrees are MAGNIFIED. Still, I have great depth.
Indulgences - Billy - 12-22-2015
While I am at self-appraisal.. I'll say that there is no possible overestimation for the nirvana I experienced. Some phenomenal experiences have dotted my life. But then too, I have experienced much that is accentuated by lack of personal maturity by any standard. Even now, I am prone to occassional pettiness and act more like a baby than a grown man.
I have done much better at being more consistently aware, but the normal mundanity and the fall-off within the vast leisure I am afforded makes me pretty unspecial. I do have a nice sense of how most things are as I would want them to be personally, but how does one calibrate the pathetic conditions most humans suffer. I did have a goodly realization that I should be happy, because this dea of making better for offspring and a future generation has always been a failed myth. SOMEBODY has to start being happy now. I presume I am doing 'happy' rather well comparative to others. Even wealthy people I know bring upon themselves much misery in their lack of awareness and lack of honesty to face life. IMO, there is so little illumination, and the cycle of resentment is a way of life for most people.
There are persons that have grasped principles for a peaceful happy way, but then I must be frank. Look at the models. What I understand is that Buddha suffered excruciatingly his last two weeks on earth from food poisoning and Muhammad the same excepting a much slower death; Christ died nailed to a wooden cross; my friend Joe had an prolonged, incapacitating desistance from a failing heart. My mother begged my father to stop breathing for want to end his pain in terminal cancer; and, Castaneda died from cancer also.
I would say death is nearer to ignonimy than anything remotely noble and graceful. Piss on that (shaking my head/a smile as well).
I like to be candid about what this thing is > existence.
For too many years I was unable to express what I thought. When I did, I raised eyebrows and it was awkward. That has changed because I am comfortably authentic.
I was very lucky to find this forum. It is especially helping me process the shift in cultivating freedom and the idea of immortality. It is not that I wish to live eternally, as opposed to dying; it is that I want to blow the doors off limitation. And I want to do that because I am here, and I intend to be true and sensationally present to myself in this dark, barren, empty, and meaningless existence. I want to be aware.
Indulgences - Billy - 12-22-2015
As I inquire about my words, "I want to blow the doors off limitation," I can only think of recurrring fantastic sleeping dreams of deprecation and utter abasement as a little boy; these came back to light in recap. The endless besiege of disrespect in elementary school was too much.
My shrunken self-esteem let me sink me low enough to become fully enveloped in my own worthlessness. My subconscious coped by presenting the lure of perverse pleasure in my deprecation and abasement. There was so much angst and pain in the dreams that I craved enactment of my disrespect as the only way out. The popular and pretty girls of my class entered my dreams, and I was to be treated by their intimate and ultimate negative appraisal. This would release me into a rapturous self awareness in my shame and I would experience euphoria.
The rapture was so compelling that when I awoke I did everything I could to remember, and I sometimes daydreamed in search of the same effects. When I did recap and uncovered all this, it was quite an amazing thing. OMG, did I ever want for the euphoria.
So, when I say, "I want to blow the doors off limitation," I must mean that I want euphoria to supercede the common existential conditioning.. SMILES, SMILES, SMILES
Thank GOD for serloco who has profoundly ellucidated freedom for me with his words, ideas, and actions. {Though serloco, I would much rather thank you and relegate GOD to second fiddle}