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A couple days of not doing - Julio Juliopolis - 08-30-2018
So, last week I had severe dry eye which resulted in scratches to the cornea of both eyes, although much moreso my left. This created a situation where for about 3 days I basically had to keep my eyes shut almost all the time. I was able to use my right eye enough to handle walking from room to room and short tasks, but light was too painful for anything beyond that.
Knowing that I had to keep my eyes shut to let them heal, I wondered what I would do during that time. As it turns out, most of my doings involve the use of sight, (whoda thunk?!). One thing that came to mind right away was listening to audio books. I've done that a lot in the past, and enjoy that so I thought why not? I found a playlist full of dramatized audio versions of the Goosebumps series, (scary stories for children), and having enjoyed those stories in the past decided to have a listen. I decided to try to visualize the story as I was listening to it. This turned out to be surprisingly difficult. I think the main problem was that instead of just holding onto ideas from the story with empty placeholders I was actively trying to constantly visualize things. This screwed up the timing between what I was imagining and the pace I was hearing the story whenever it would say stuff that has nothing to do with the visual idea of the story like 'I knew I couldn't leave him there, but I didn't know how to get him out.' There's a lot of this kind of thing in stories. I did better with stories I knew well, as I would slowly link what I was imagination with what I knew was coming next.
Aside from the audio books, I also indulged in sleep. It seemed to make sense at the time. I had to keep my eyes closed anyway and when you're healing sleep is supposed to be a good thing, or so I've always heard. I now realize that it was actually an indulgence to take several couple hour naps per day, plus a full nights sleep, and the reason I was doing it was just to give myself something "to do". The audio plays were somewhat of an indulgence too, even though listening to them with eyes closed turned out to be less familiar than I expected. Still, somehow between the excess sleep and some hours of radio stories I managed to get a lot of not-doing in there.
So what was this not-doing like? The best I can compare it to is waiting for something to happen. Waiting in a way as if you were about to leave a party and you've already said goodbye to everyone, but then your driver said hang on and had to rush back inside. You're still standing in the entryway. You don't want to start up anything new because you know you won't have time for it, so you just stand there "not doing" for a brief period until your ride comes back. Sure if it takes a while you'll decide to go back in a bit and maybe mingle some more or inquire what's keeping your driver, but until you decide to do that, (or to do something else to "occupy your time" while waiting), you're not-doing.
I was not-doing for some hours at a time. Just sort of "waiting" for my eyes to heal as I laid in bed with them closed, not knowing how long it would take and not feeling like I had anything else to do. During this period, I saw a lot of images, similar to how I see them before sleeping. Just a rampant, chaotic series of things changing form really. One thing dissolved into the next, and then into the next. The only theme that seemed to recur a lot was that of elephants, and I don't know why that is.
The main change I was getting from this though was that I felt I was becoming more "sober". To a degree that goes a bit beyond my normal use of that term. What I was becoming more sober towards was the difference between an authentic desire to do something, and an inauthentic, mind-created urge to doing something just to fill a need to "be doing something", or to do something because of the time, (eg, it's 12:00, time for lunch), or to meet some expectation, or whatever else the mind says is the reason why I "should" do whatever it suggests to do, which is never an authentic desire.
In addition to the concept of the difference, the energy is different too. The mind has to build up the energy to do something, often using the imagination, while authentic desires pop in ready to be acted on. If you ever just jump up and burst into song, or something else so quickly you're half-surprised by your own action it was probably authentic. If you're sitting here imagining what that is like and trying to figure out how to do that it isn't. Just wait and don't feel a need to do anything, or think about doing anything. You might not have an authentic desire to do anything for a while. Eventually, an authentic desire will arise. At least, that's my working theory. :/
Converting from spending nearly all of my time doing mind-generated actions to spending it doing only actions which stem from authentic desire seems like it might take a while and pose some challenges, (the first one I notice is that I need to continually reassure myself that I won't act in suicidally stupid ways by doing so).
A couple days of not doing - Kaomea - 08-31-2018
Interesting.
This is why I don't use cabs. Relying on someone else to drive is no good for me. I find it best to drive myself. That way the only person I'm waiting on is myself.
If the cabbie is taking too long, and I'm taking a rare cab ride, I'm quite skilled at self-entertainment.
Discovering the joy of not doing, being still, opens the door to self-interest. Like you said, authenticity.
Many people are so occupied with their mind, this life, tonal shenanigans that they forget to live.
I hope your eyes heal, that your stillness brings you greater insight into yourself, and that your cabbie isn't too distracted and forgets that you're waiting.
I wonder, maybe the cabbie isn't really a cabbie... what if the cabbie is an Uber or Lyft driver. What if it's Halloween and just a costume. What if the assumption is incorrect.
I would wait 5 minutes then call another cabbie. If a cabbie really wants a fare, they make it happen. If not, you should move on.
A couple days of not doing - Kaomea - 08-31-2018
All that aside, how would you feel if your state of stillness, of not doing, was all there was in your future? What if the anticipated knock at your door never comes? Knowing there's a yellow brick road, but that you lack the red glitter heels to take you there? For how long would you search for the heels, how long would you sail the ocean blue in hopes of discovering treasures from a far and distant land?
What if the point of living isn't to climb a materialistic ladder, to accrue ridiculous amounts of tonal wealth, or become a hoarder of power. Those things can be nice, sure. Instead, how nice would it be to be free of such limiting desires. To live simply and to love thyself.
Happiness isn't an external circumstance.
So I often ponder over how do we know we made it? When we stop letting a desire consume us we are free.
Your eyes will heal. But if they don't, you would adapt. Would you miss vision? Probably. Once you see things, you can't unsee them. Vision is powerful in that way.
A couple days of not doing - Julio Juliopolis - 08-31-2018
Kaomea wrote:
All that aside, how would you feel if your state of stillness, of not doing, was all there was in your future? What if the anticipated knock at your door never comes? Knowing there's a yellow brick road, but that you lack the red glitter heels to take you there? For how long would you search for the heels, how long would you sail the ocean blue in hopes of discovering treasures from a far and distant land?
Good question. I don't know. I guess if 4 hours or so went by and I never felt an authentic desire to do something I'd probably turn on some music while I continued to wait. Something not too distracting though, so I can keep listening for the knock. Assuming I had nothing else that needed doing or anyone pestering me at all, after a few days I'd probably find some other stuff to do, stuff from mind, again nothing too distracting, while I continued to wait and listen. And if 10 days or so went by and I still hadn't gotten a knock I'd get mad and wonder what I was doing wrong and why the universe wasn't helping to steer me better. Then I'd probably give up and go do other stuff until I'd emotionally recovered from my failure and felt as if I'd leveled up enough to maybe succeed the next time.
And if just the state of stillness was all there was in the future... eventually I suspect I'd end up constantly imagining a universe to occupy my attention.
What if the point of living isn't to climb a materialistic ladder, to accrue ridiculous amounts of tonal wealth, or become a hoarder of power.
Haha , let's not be ridiculous now.
Those things can be nice, sure. Instead, how nice would it be to be free of such limiting desires. To live simply and to love thyself.
Happiness isn't an external circumstance.
There's a certain amount of responsibility that goes along with that too. Letting others define your happiness is just plain poor emotional management strategy. Of course, happiness is just one of the emotions we can enjoy.
So I often ponder over how do we know we made it? When we stop letting a desire consume us we are free.
I remember Don Juan telling Carlos once about being free from the moods of various parts of the body, "Like when you feel sick because you eat too much". I guess knowing we've made it all depends on where we had decided to go. Personally I think the ultimate point of "making it" would be to have the ability to instantly have any experience, at any point in time. Like right now I could go experience being a soldier fighting for Napoleon and suddenly realizing that the battle is lost. And then I could be a pelican, diving deep to catch a fish. Then perhaps a tree, gossiping with the other trees about those silly monkeys. All the while maintaining the ability to shift out and go do something else. It'd be hard to say I hadn't made it yet if I could do that.
Your eyes will heal. But if they don't, you would adapt. Would you miss vision? Probably. Once you see things, you can't unsee them. Vision is powerful in that way.
I spent some time thinking about what I'd do if I went blind. I hoped that I'd get some sort of government assistance, setting me up in an apartment connected to skyways so I could get around easier. I figured I'd have a couple of close local hangouts. I wouldn't need to go many places because they would all look the same anyway.
I might get a seeing eye dog. But then I'd need someone to clean up after it. For work, I might get involved with producing audio stories, which is something I'd like to do anyway. I might miss vision on occasion, when I would struggle to do things I take for granted now, but I wouldn't feel like my life was ruined or anything like that.
A couple days of not doing - Kaomea - 08-31-2018
Those are pretty thoughts on life I enjoyed them.
Yeah, I suppose waiting for a knock would require more reflection, a certain kind of patience, and some degree of inner silence. Like you say, if the mind is too loud then it may miss opportunity when it knocks repeatedly . Your plan sounds wise.
Re: the blindness.. yeah, I suppose I would wind up seeking familiar voices I enjoyed since it didn't matter what the venues look like. Come to think of it that's something I do now. Muggles mostly all look alike. Their stories mostly all sound alike. Society is mostly one flavor. Gray.
Colorful people are out there though, hiding among the sea of fishies. It is nice to find them. Special. They are an opportunity. They remind me there's still hope for our species, simply because they exist.
You know what I love about time? That it's always watching and waiting for just the right moment to present itself. Many are afraid of growing older and they shouldn't be. The passing of time allows room for wisdom to flourish and maturity to blossom. There's less urgency to achieve superficial trophies. There's more time for meaningful pursuits. Personally, I'm really looking forward to wrinkles . I can't wait to be, like, super wise and stuffs.
Enjoy your new adventure in life. Serve with
A couple days of not doing - serloco - 10-12-2018
Ive learned a great deal about the body. I often have imagined that my eyes went blind and thought "what would I do?" Ive developed ways of seeing from enhanced attention. I can see with my fingers for example. And can see backwards behind me. Attention is all that is required. You can form the attention to see without eyes. Not to mention Ive had numerous thoughts lately that the world is just the fabricated mind. Seeing with the mind is a possibility. Some theorists believe that reality is all in the mind, generated by the mind.
A couple days of not doing - Guest - 08-21-2019