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Internal Dialogue in Recapitulation - Kristopher - 01-09-2014
~Another form of autolysis and recapitulation is to actually
listen to our internal dialogue, not avoid it; listening to what it’s telling
us. Here’s an explanation in story-form
about this process of engaging your internal dialogue as recapitulation.
“What Brett did,” I continue, “was instead of finding a way
out of life, she found a way in. Like a judo master, she turned this
father-demon's energy [internal dialogue in her head from her father always
degrading her] to her own advantage. She figured she was finished anyway,
between the progressing cancer and this father-presence poisoning her
existence, so she realized she had nothing to lose.
“If I might digress for a moment, I'd like to say that I
have nothing but good things to say about this particular realization: Nothing
to lose. It's perfectly true of everyone all the time, but it's the realizing
part that's tricky. Once you get to that realization though, not just
conceptually but fully absorbed throughout your awareness, then this whole thing
just busts wide open. Walls come down and the universe opens up.
“As Brett explained it to me, everything was just coming
apart. She had the cancer with gloomy prospects, and she still had this dumb
father thing yapping in her head, blaming her for everything, blaming her for
being sick. She sought help, she looked to religion and the self-help aisles of
bookstores, but no matter what she did, no matter where she turned, no matter
what book she read or what method or ideology she tried to embrace, there was
still this voice in her head telling her it was all just nonsense, that she was
too scared to face facts, that she wasn't brave, that she was being an ****, a
fool, all sort of nasty negative things, on and on like that, and all the while
she's just getting sicker and her time is getting shorter.
“Then one day, her search for answers and meaning having
yielded no fruit, she realized that this voice in her head might not be totally
wrong. It was very cynical and abrasive, but not necessarily incorrect. The
more her illness drove her to seek answers, the more she found herself agreeing
with her father's voice. All the answers she was finding were nonsense. When it
came to her search for answers, for meaning, for ways to cope with her disease
and her mortality, this cynical voice in her head was saying things she not
only couldn't deny, but with which she agreed.
“I wish she were here to explain this to you the way she
explained it to me, but the main thrust is that this is how she processed herself
into the totality of self, the truth-realized state. Instead of working through
it with a tool like recapitulation and spiritual autolysis, she did it with the
aid of this built-in, hypersensitive bullshit detector that had been plaguing
her for so many years.
“She was operating under what she believed to be a sentence
of imminent death, she thought she was in her final months, and she was intent
on getting to the bottom of things, finding the meaning in things. She wanted to
find something real, something true.”
“Did she think she was possessed?" asks Ronald.”
"No, rationally, she knew she wasn't possessed by a
demon. She knew that this voice wasn't really her father, but her own creation,
some part of herself speaking, some buried or subconscious part of her trying
to express itself. That was part of her decision to stop fighting it and start
trying to make sense of it.
“She told me that during this period, she walked around her
lake thousands of times, sometimes twenty laps a day, and that's more than a
mile around. I recognized that behavior right away. That level of intense,
angry energy is common in the awakening process.
“And while she was doing that, walking lap after lap around
the lake, she was arguing with this father-voice in her head. They were
debating, out loud. She was vocalizing both sides of the conversation. Imagine
what a head-case she must have looked like to the ducks and frogs. That's
another common feature of the awakening process, the loss of regard for
convention and normalcy. All thought for keeping up appearances falls away.
“Hours at a time, walking the path around the lake, lap
after lap, hour after hour, day and night, month after month. It started with
Brett screaming at her father, but at some point they came into alignment and started
working together until, after more than a year of this feverish walking and
ranting, Brett absorbed this harsh critical voice, which was always, of course,
a part of her. This father-demon was that small voice of reason in her mind,
screaming to be heard, and she pushed aside all her emotional resistance and
let it speak.
“Think about her situation for a minute. She never had any
desire for spiritual attainment of any kind, in any sense. She never went in
for any sort of belief system, she wasn't following a path or a teacher, she
wasn't trying to evolve or burn karma or raise her consciousness, nothing like
that. She was just trying to deal with her **** honestly - her words - and
that's what it looked like in her case, like a very sick lady walking laps
around a lake carrying on this lunatic dialogue, processing herself out of her
own bullshit.
“This wasn't just her bid for freedom, it was her healing
process.
“Over time she subdued this demon voice in her head,
completely eradicated the cancer from her body, and found the answers for which
she so desperately searched.”
Now, you're all being very nice and reading along because
you think that all this internal dialogue stuff was Brett's thing and doesn't
really have much to do with you, but you're wrong. This is all about you.
We all have an internal dialogue and this is when we
need to use it, not subdue it.
Internal Dialogue in Recapitulation - Guest - 08-21-2019