Casual Conversation

[Billy]

Thanks for the elucidation.  Of course, you just did the beach boys song on me.  I ORIGINALLY understood that what you were talking about was to draw energy from form to compliment or benefit your own.

Now thank you so very much for coming to the essence.  I wrote to the lay person in my book so I don't spell it out all the way, still your question is clearly addressed.  Throw the book away.  We are there.

   A Russian immigrant worked for me painting houses.  At his wife's funeral he had me at his side as his very best friend--of course I was honored.  It was cold, and I shivered a couple times as the casket was being lowered.  He took off his jacket and wrapped it around me as if I were his favorite child in front of the scores of people and even cuddled me.  That is a very moving picture in one's mind and I take it as such for its joy.  However, the realism of why people act as they do (what motivates) never escape me.  Read into that what you want.  You are real.  {So for now I'll leave form alone as I continue--because I never was interested in shame as it related to the conventional world.}

   Derekh--the following image has been with me for many years:  An organism lives under a rock (his world).   One day it is out from under the rock (sees light).  Then sees water, sky, vegetation (each a new miracle).
Then sees the stars and moon (now expands to traverse the universe)  The miracles never end---never end.  The miracles themselves have become another mundanity as the organism found by reaching out for more.
{A zen parable tells of a boy who listens to another telling of his master's feats--walking on water, moving objects, etc.  This boy's master says to tell the other that he only knows the miracle of eating when hungry, pissing when his bladder is full, sleeping when tired.  (They are posited as falling under the same scope, and in a context of possible billion year extinction of earth and endless universes are certainly not inconceivably that far apart by my thinking).} 

   Anyway, I talked about how we look at perception in ways of 'ought and ought not'.  I say forget oughtness.  I look at is, and say it has no necessity and no meaning.  However is IS.  (I don't demonstrate against THAT--though I used to demonstrate against the culturally holding it up with the oughtness.)
 
   My experience of taking shame (for lack of a better word) as that which is before its evolutionary manifestation in pre-human organisms (and its real biological physiological presence as a human organ akin to our stomach)-- WAS to use it as an instrument that went to its phenomenological origin.  It pointed to all of the unformed life, and to the slim odds of what did arise.  It pointed to the 'disadvantageous' positions of even those that did arise in Darwinian natural selection--(the 'disadvantageous' are the majority.)  I saw the tool for how it was meant as that which honed action and inaction on the singularity of being separate from all else.
I reduced it further.  MY ALONENESS was fine, only that I took it (because I could) that it should stand or not stand without the props of form (YOU REALLY HAVE GOT TO LOVE LIFE FOREMOST TO DO WHAT I WAS DOING.)
    I intentionally psychologically beat the **** out of myself and went along as the organism under the rock reached for more.  Emptiness finally came along and said no more Billy.  No answers, no nothing.  It took what sense of center and purpose from under me as a pronouncement of my newfound view of existence (which was anything but new).  STILL look at me, LOOK at you (or is it me looking at you?)  The photons of light combining vaguely interests me, and bose-einstein condesates interest me (I like my low-level interest in physics).  {I sense that physics has room for meaning (want to be alive) and meaninglessnes at once--perhaps where you come in too.  Yet, I don't want to TRY and figure out anything--at least not using much energy to do it. (ENERGY)}

   Now about Gaia  OH MOMMY OH MOMMY OH MOMMY (and laughing too)  {I love PLAY.  Let us teach each other that.}  Once in a while I like to think that things never should have existed in the first place, and the sorrow that is possibly born out of that which amounts to my ALONENESS seen in a negative energy light is what brings me to wanting sorrow washed away at the times of need.

   OH MOMMY.   Think of a little boy that got it wrong, did it horribly wrong and is brought to account.  Mommy does the proper sober and stern, and the boy SEES.  Naturally he is a wreck in remorse.  Mommy is SO BIG.
SHE TAKES HIM BEYOND--THERE IS THAT MOMENT OF ABSOLVING where instantaneously the world is made right again  NO NO-- much much better than right!  Gaia SEES that he must go off to PLAY.  It is the boy's penance, a joy beyond all joys. 

   Now, do you have some idea of what I can abstract with my concept?  It is not completely superficial-this is the understanding of what one can do with sorrow-- I'm just beginning getting to the heart of my being alive. 

   I don't know if I know exactly, but I know when I go, I sometimes go to something powerful.  If it matters to you that I have an image of you Derekh, I think you are Ms. Simonova of sorcery.