Casual Conversation

[Billy]

My life has the synchronicity in spades.  Ayn Rand was a source for hierarchical reduction (logic) and Castaneda was an adjunct to open-mindedness.  I recapitulated via intense autobiographical writing that was necessary for my psychological survival.   I had already experimented with stalking dark states of mind and had gained trust.  There even came a point when the 'Higher or Authentic SELF' turned against me.  THAT detachment which followed was truly truly a profound thing.  Part of this was my wife had divorce papers on the sly to be viewed by an attorney.  Only bizarre intuition had me retrieve them (had been signed by me too, but were put aside for over a year) When, not where I put them I looked to see they were on my wife that very moment.  My detachment 'practice' was not directly just for the rejection by my wife, but more so for the terrifying subconscious rejection of myself.  Before the moment of this transcendantal detachment, I was almost in freaking shock because of too much adrenalin coursing in my body.  I had to struggle to remember that detachment worked, that it was a habit I learned.  When I finally remembered grasping the one key word "REJECTION!" I did an amazing objectification with a deep inhale and focus on my mid-section.  I TELL YOU I was 'SUPERMAN' instantaneously.  I was CALM, POWERFUL and CLEAR.  MY wife, instead of divorcing me, within days fucked me (which was a war I was losing/ 3FUCKING MONTHS w/o SEX!!!!!!!!!!!)  {Now we have sex like religion every Sunday morning (or accasionally the day after)>  I like erotic porn and fantasy/ but this is good, REALLY good stuff happening.
  I got off track---- Anyway-----I had gotten courageous seeking out self-hatred and shame doing more recapitulation and got visits from emptiness.  Someday I'll tell you if we get bored.  What I learned, is I am not of the world--I'm just NOT.  I mean, I was given to understand with unwavering certainty that the world outside of me has absolutely no meaning whatsoever.  NONE.  It does have power in only one sense--that as a source of my richer aliveness or energetic awareness if you prefer.  You emanate virtually this way too, no?  SEE what I mean? 
  Weird how it is, that if I genuinely draw to the notion of WORTHLESS 'everything', the more vibrant and 'meaningful' lol.  People draw from you in an entirely different syntax.  What am I going to gain?  But, again the weirdness--I DO GAIN FROM YOU!