01-06-2015, 12:07 AM
Ha, "hint of shame." You make it a dirty word. I won't use it any more. Besides, you miss the point. Maybe I have gotten off on relating to the conventional definition, but now I want the foundation--THAT has not a thing to do with the societal interpretation. (alternate word) Withdrawal is about an organism's disposition for survival. Do you think the dominant ape could ever achieve pretense and detachment? No way!
The non-dominants were not ashamed as in its current usage. The gestures of appeasement and deference were simply instinctual & eventually objective tools, and the basis for the wise man's 'positive' pretense and detachment. Humans, in the cycles of non-stop self-reflection and 'unnecessary' self-imaging twisted withdrawal's capacity backwards.
Virtually every animal is aware of its particular isolation from world, but leave it to humans to become more like communal ants than individuals. You had better belong or there is something wrong with you, but the reality is no one can belong, except in awareness that we share the common condition of being isolated.
When I was a very little boy I was the family's adorable show-off. In pre-adolescence I was very popular in my neighborhood and competitive in sports. However, in pre-adolescence (1st grade on through 8th), I was also humiliated big-time in Catholic school because I was considered stupid (a whole different set of kids). I lived in terror that my 'stupid' image would infect my homelife high-esteem by intersecting. But worse than anything, my only visibility to girls was one of mockery at school. It really fucked me up even as I became accomplished in high school, and had the best of fraternal college life. (I was a good wrestler too) But, I did not even copulate even though I could get girls, because that's how repressed my sexuality was from childhood derision in front of girls. When I figure that out, I became especially attractive to females.
I could go on, but one point is that I manifested both ends of the self-esteem spectrum. AND, I became very lucky to find those things that made me aware & 'spiritual.'
Recapitulation took me back to my worst memories. I had an incredibly painful experience of wanting to self-negate myself. I came out of a trance and was petrified because I did not know how to function and was frozen for several minutes. Immediately then, I unavoidably had to interact with my family, but couldn't, so I hid myself by turning away even though I was being spoken to etc. I was a mess, but staring at coals in a furnace calmed me, and when I was called upon my brain stopped the world; it became an unanimated object. I came out of it as my granfather began cutting my hair with electric clippers. The hum, vibration, and feel brought some ecstacy and then some normalcy.
Early on, I could not handle the stress of leaving a good world to a bad one on a daily basis. I had stomach aches often. Subconscious dreams gave my mind reprieve at times. The girls of my class would come and let me know they saw my condition, and let me know I was disrespected, and then piss on me--that was if I was lucky they would do me such a favor. If that happened I had fantastic rapture. But other dreams were not as kind-- they showed me just how mechanical, and meaningless my life was, and how alone I was. When I revisit that state now as best I can, it is a spectacularily comforting glimpse into the 'worst' isolation. THAT is my home. Love Phildel's Switchblade. I know the landscape and the dusk.
The non-dominants were not ashamed as in its current usage. The gestures of appeasement and deference were simply instinctual & eventually objective tools, and the basis for the wise man's 'positive' pretense and detachment. Humans, in the cycles of non-stop self-reflection and 'unnecessary' self-imaging twisted withdrawal's capacity backwards.
Virtually every animal is aware of its particular isolation from world, but leave it to humans to become more like communal ants than individuals. You had better belong or there is something wrong with you, but the reality is no one can belong, except in awareness that we share the common condition of being isolated.
When I was a very little boy I was the family's adorable show-off. In pre-adolescence I was very popular in my neighborhood and competitive in sports. However, in pre-adolescence (1st grade on through 8th), I was also humiliated big-time in Catholic school because I was considered stupid (a whole different set of kids). I lived in terror that my 'stupid' image would infect my homelife high-esteem by intersecting. But worse than anything, my only visibility to girls was one of mockery at school. It really fucked me up even as I became accomplished in high school, and had the best of fraternal college life. (I was a good wrestler too) But, I did not even copulate even though I could get girls, because that's how repressed my sexuality was from childhood derision in front of girls. When I figure that out, I became especially attractive to females.
I could go on, but one point is that I manifested both ends of the self-esteem spectrum. AND, I became very lucky to find those things that made me aware & 'spiritual.'
Recapitulation took me back to my worst memories. I had an incredibly painful experience of wanting to self-negate myself. I came out of a trance and was petrified because I did not know how to function and was frozen for several minutes. Immediately then, I unavoidably had to interact with my family, but couldn't, so I hid myself by turning away even though I was being spoken to etc. I was a mess, but staring at coals in a furnace calmed me, and when I was called upon my brain stopped the world; it became an unanimated object. I came out of it as my granfather began cutting my hair with electric clippers. The hum, vibration, and feel brought some ecstacy and then some normalcy.
Early on, I could not handle the stress of leaving a good world to a bad one on a daily basis. I had stomach aches often. Subconscious dreams gave my mind reprieve at times. The girls of my class would come and let me know they saw my condition, and let me know I was disrespected, and then piss on me--that was if I was lucky they would do me such a favor. If that happened I had fantastic rapture. But other dreams were not as kind-- they showed me just how mechanical, and meaningless my life was, and how alone I was. When I revisit that state now as best I can, it is a spectacularily comforting glimpse into the 'worst' isolation. THAT is my home. Love Phildel's Switchblade. I know the landscape and the dusk.