01-14-2014, 12:00 AM
1/12-13/14 White Tigers/Death/Evacuation/( ) space/medals.
I went to sleep around 2am. Almost immediately, im in dreaming thats hard to put form too. Soon, however, it resolves to me being at...Grandmothers house. Patterned after my real grandmother who died in 2004, but it was not her. (As i saw it, it was the grandmother in dreams, the old woman in the cabin, the one that stands behind others...a spirit being) Again, the knowing of this, brought on by my looking at some pictures and asking questions of my mother, increased my lucidity and dragged me up from hazy dreams to dreams, or a level of awareness in them, where i could remember see what was going on. So im in grandmothers house. She is dead. I am sleeping here (It looks like the apartment where i became ( ) double a few months ago...same layout with the rooms, couch, etc. In that dream there was a scary old woman ghost, in this one no presence). I...my "mother" (who is not my mother, if anyone, she reminded me more of ( )...to young to be my mother ) Wanted pancakes. I am going through the fridge, and drawers, looking to see what she left in the empty house. I tell her i can not make them, however, their are frozen waffles, and other things in the freezer...preserved. It was odd to me, that the pressence was gone, and the place had been empty, yet all the energetic things to eat were left in a state of preservation. So first i make her the waffles and syrup and serve it on a plate. I think im done. I want coffee. I am mixing cinnamon into a small bowl of sugar, both for my coffee and to prep to make something else. A man comes. He wants food too. I look in and see two eggs are left, and some old bread. I crack the eggs in a bowl, and let the bread soak it in. I sprinkle it with my sugar cinnamon mixture. For some reason, i place this directly in the toaster. I am afraid ive made a mistake, but laugh its a dream...and soon enough, it starts cooking properly in the toaster. Back to mixing my coffee sugar. Toast is done. I plate it up and sprinkle some powdered sugar on it, and use the last of the syrup. thats done. Can i finish my coffee now? No. I mixed all of the sugar and cinnamon. this was a mistake, the mixing it all together. So then i have to separate it one granual at a time. Takes forever. More people arrive, wanting to eat. They are easier, as all that is left is some shredded wheat and other things. So they serve themselves. Finally, i get to drink my cup of coffee. It has gone cold. And she has no microwave. I stir my finger in it, and gaze at it like a man reading the future in a pool of water. Then i drink it. seems my finger heated it up some, but its still pretty jarring to me. I go outside. Its still dark out, early morning.
I go outside. There is something like a flag poll in a cement area in front of the tiny house. I look at the house. It is a modern place with partially glass walls, very...trendy, as is the space outside. I note this does not at all look like the nondescript apartment building from last time. But it doesnt matter. I go to the flag poll. I sit next to it. I wrap my awareness up and down it, till im in it, all over it, in every molecule...then...i extrude a version of myself back out of the poll, back to where i was sitting next to it (there was a small circular concrete bench around it. But i really am in both things. I see, feel, this means i just "took over" the transmision, or the flag, for the night, for the rest of dreaming...its hard to explain what this means, exactly, but it was work in energy. The sky still has stars, but it is getting a lighter shade of dark...it is pre dawn. As i work, somebody comes next to me and speaks quietly. I recognize the voice. it is ( ). We talk about the pole, but also the stars, and the night. I remove more of myself to the body. She has brought me a cup of tea, and i thank her, it is very hot. I like the feel on my hands, and as i drink it. I did not notice how cold it was, im not sure i am dressed at all. She leaves after a bid, and then the woman i thought was ( ) (mother) comes. She asks me different questions, and i answer. I see she is cold. I make a fire, a small fire, like in a big fire pan/pot. It crackles and dances, and is warm. To warm us both. Now i go all the way into the flag poll, i need to before dawn comes. I ask ( )? to let the fire burn, and burn, till it burns out, for the warmth. I added enough wood to heat the dreams for the appropriate time. I can hear the flame, and feel the heat, but that is all i sense, in the poll. Out the top, like a flag...now a balloon. Now a real sheet, out and out, swirling around the poll. Into the sky...it is almost dawn. I loose cohesion here, and spiral up and away.
When i next am in dreaming, some time has passed already, it seems, but it as if i just arrived. Myself and the people around me, have been coming under attack after attack. there is a darker version of the house i saw before, now empty. It sits alone, And the most recent attack sends us all running into a dry and barren area, stones and dirt, few plants, a vast plane. It is very dark, where as before it was almost dawn. I am seperated from four other people. this time it seemed we tried zig zagging in different directions. It seems we keep dying, and coming back. This is the first time i became lucid, but i have a vague memory. I have been fighting, (in one section i fought and defeated a white wolf with winter breath) not running, this time, we run. I run along a dry gully, and then it becomes a small cliff. I stand on the edge, unsure what to do next. I am not particularly afraid, but i am tired. A darkening in the sky, a presence drawing closer. Then, a sudden burst of movement, i am knocked down, onto my side, by a white blur. I hear a growl, and then movement, as it runs away. I am dazed. I feel around myself. there is a handgun that has come out of my waist band, i feel my legs for damage. I begin to move to stand, but then voices yell out. "Freeze!". I stop. Two police officers, undercover, like miami vice, or starsky and hutch, pick your Tv show...are standing about 20 feet from me, guns drawn. "kick the weapon over slowly" I hesitate, i think i can drop them in one movement. But im tired, so i comply. I am afraid it will go off when i kick it, and harm them, i voice this to them with genuine concern, they seem a bit taken aback, say it will be fine, just do it...slowly. So i comply. "Sit up slowly...hands to the sky". I comply. I am handcuffed. They congratulate each other. this is a change, being taken like this for me, perhaps im tired of dying? I have no fear or animosity towards them, i am actually relieved, whatever they are, is not what had my running, like they are just characters in a play and nice enough. I give a big sigh, as they walk me back to their patrol car (actually it is some sort of sports car) I see helicopters with search lights all around, but feel certain everyone else i bought time to get out of it. I have time to think, to myself, if this is in some way related to ( ) dream i read before sleep. I think it is, also, i wonder about what ( ) response to it will be, its very specific. (her response was very similar, in my minds eye in dreaming, to what she ended up posting). Odd. I mumble to the officers, if they saw the white blur. "I think its a white tiger, it is stalking me". They look at each other, and make a hand motion like "hes been drinking" so i fall silent again.
I am taken to a large city, bright, its day. The two men, they take me to a place like a hospital/police station. Its very strange, modern, multiple levels. Round windows, glass walls, very futuristic. I Sit in the booking area. I am handcuffed to the wall. One of the officers is doing paperwork, the other is sitting keeping an eye on me. I am remarkably relaxed. I am being asked questions, and answering honestly, conversationally. this seems to...challenge these officers ideas of what was happening. One of them is very...shifted. the other hardens the other way about me. I tell them my real name, that i percieve that i am dreaming, not in a solid reality. I tell them about the flag poll, and details about the three fights, including the one with the wolf. They take notes, but are increasingly...mystified, as if they just caught a strange man who is saying, and proving, that the world isnt real. What does that say about them, how do they put it into a report? The more hostile partner, and he is speaking back and forth with the other one finally says. "We just do our job, write what he says. We can explain it all by transfering him to a mental hospital, we will bring him in for a 51/50 and then its not out problem. the other officer says...yes. But.... "I think i saw a white tiger as well". the othe rman goes silent. I feel relief, say see...i commited no crime. The relaity shifts a bit. the reason now i was arrested, was a random bar fight. It seems i was talking to this officer, the white tigers came up and reality, we grew angry, he taunted... i punched him, and he arrested me. the reality shifted just like that, to the dream, the other parts did not happen. I felt it shift. They just had a pang on their face, like...they forgot something. I looked at what they were typing...the notes reflected this new reality. I looked at the one cop. I said "do you remember...the tiger, the chase in the night. The reality just shifted...remember...hold it. He shook his head. Said nothing. They finished the report. they were transfering me to county mental for evaluation, I was not under arrest. I felt relief, actually, i dont mind being in a place to rest. Solid. I made eye contact with the cop one last time, and they left. I loose a bit of detail here.
“Drive” lyrics
Drive!
Push it to the floor till the engine screams.
Drive!
Drivin’ like the demon that drives your beat.
You’re on a hard road, nobody cares
If you hit the breaks.
You gotta think fast, keep it in gear,
One slip is all it takes.
You gotta keep your wheels on the straight and narrow,
If you wanna survive.
Drive!
Push it to the floor till the engine screams.
Drive!
Drivin’ like the demon that drives the beat.
Drive!
Slow motion man, iron and steel in the palm of your hand
High flying heart, betting your life on the state of the art.
Lay down the law, don’t you let ‘em cross the line
Under the hood, got the bad and the good
Everybody’s doing time
Drive!
Next dream scene. I am again handcuffed to a person, we enter a waiting/intake room. It is the mental hospital. I am handcuffed to a woman. It is ( ) i believe, in the dream, but i do not say this. There is a funny part, where we sit in the wrong places and the chains twist, she tells me to "no sit in the chair next to my on the side you are cuffed to, not the opposite one!" i chuckle and say "sorry officer". I look across. There is another woman, i think an officer, again in normal clothes. It seems she has a prisoner as well. This one is ( ). there are two more people, a man and a woman, waiting in here as well. They seem unrelated to whatever is going on. Time passes slowly. At some point, Kao and shamanka talk. shamankas eyes are weird, three segments, three different shades, like a living pie chart, cut into three segments. they talk. One of the unchained people...recognizes her. says "i didnt know you were with the police...undercover ehh?" she looks akward. ( ) says "Dont worry OFFICER ( ), you secret is safe love they wont remember". they both laugh a bit. I laugh. We speak a bit about things. Seeing. three scenes. Becoming reality, in dreams, see the switches? You do, dont you? they look a bit...confused like the cop. "yes sen, i see...i...remember?" was more like a question. At this im satisfied, and slump into my seat, untill i am taken into the mental hospital. In all these parts, i am afraid, a bit, the tiger will come back and kill me. Is all im concerned about it seems.
Brief flashes. As if a montage. I am in a bed, there are cameras on me, I sleep, i wake. I wake to a monitored hospital room. as if im heavily drugged. I go to sleep. In sleep, it is this city, and i am free. I go to sleep in this city, i wake, i am in my tonal room, relieved, in my own bed. A flash like lightening, im back in the bed, in straps. On and on, in and out like this, for days. One night, i come fully lucid. Im in the above the hospital room dream, but below the "real me asleep" one. In that state, the tiger! the tiger! i am afraid. It pounces on me. It climbs up my body...huh? its around my head like a hat, body on me. My fear gives way. A spirit, an ally....I....I love you! i think, was protecting. I bury my head into its fur and cry. Relief, i am safe, it was ok. A second tiger. there were two white tigers. Two...i...something. Pain? I wa safe...what...fall back into the bed i am strapped in. My chest...hurt, heart...slowly...i die, i die. Awareness goes up to the tiger, in the tiger. Awareness goes up, i lay in bed. And yet...i die. I am dead, but still in dreams...dead/not dead. The poem from the dream a few nights ago. I die, blood, drip. Dead. Major shift.
The cop comes into work, it is morning. He had been thinking about the arrest, the shift, the two versions, the chase, and the bar. He could not sleep. He came into the station, the big open room under the circular window to the upper part. The floors are bare concrete, there is a seam in the middle like for water. He looks down at his shoes. In the middle of the room, running out a drain in the floor, is blood. Sticky, a smell. "My blood" he thinks. this confusses him. He walks up to his partner. they speak. My case comes up. this cop, the one im around asks "I was doing allot of thinking on that case, i cant sleep I..." "Well no need" says the other cop. Case is closed, seems he got himself murdered in the psych ward. "what!?" the first cop asks.... "how...why". Look, says his partner, i dont know and i dont care. Got some more info on that guy. He used to be a criminal...run a gang or crew, that did jobs. "but he was...nice" says the cop im around. "sure he was" says his partner. "He got away with it" set up, retired...of cource he was nice, he had allot to loose. Seems it caught up with him". Case closed he laughs. "a crew? what do you..." the first cop gets anoyed. "Case CLOSED hes dead" then he thinks... "A crew". Maybe they found him, maybe the state wanted him dead...was he innocent...it doesnt matter, case closed...dont think on it". the cop im around pauses, in thought. then mischieveosly hi partner said "you could probably run a crew too, thing is, youd get away with it, not like that poor stiff running down the drain". The cop simply nods. He is lost in thought. His oartner says...look, its been a long week, take the day off, grab some food, come back with your mind on work tomorow ok...looking at him with a reserved expression. "yea the cop says, yea...ill do that". Im in him, around him. He is looping, like this whole thing is an episode of the twilight zone. "food, sounds good". and he leaves to go eat at the cafeteria.
"Blow Up The Outside World"
Nothing seem to kill me no matter how hard I try
Nothing is closing my eyes
Nothing can beat me down for your pain or delight
And nothing seems to break me
No matter how hard I fall nothing can break me at all
Not one for giving up though not invincible I know
I've givin' everything I need
I'd give you everything I own
I'd give in if it could at least be ours alone
I've given everything I could
To blow it to hell and gone
Burrow down and
Blow up the outside world
Someone tried to tell me something
Don't let the world bring you down
Nothing will do me in before I do myself
So save it for your own and the ones you can help
Want to make it understood
Wanting though I never would
Trying though I know it's wrong
Blowing it to hell and gone
Wishing though I never could
Blow up the upside world
Hes walking, past halls, past doors. So much motion. A living city, inside a single building, indoors, outdoors. Deep in thought. There...a flash! cant be...a tiger, a reflection in a mirror. Over there! a form...a tiger, two tigers, stalking in a hall. He shakes his head. Starts walking faster. I...sen...speak to him. A voice in his head. But im unclear. I say "its you...its you..." He snaps his head around. Confussed. Im like i was on the flag poll. He is the flag poll. I am int he tigers, in the air. A ghost, no, just aware. "Its you..." i repeat. He begin to run...then stops, out of breath. Knocks over mail lady...mumbles an apology. "copper". Its you, copper" the metal. He smells it, the smell of the blood, he begins to shift to dream, awake, who am i? where am I? he runs again. I am around him, speaking. He looks down halls. "Copper" He sees a room full of copper colored beings. "Copper" he runs past another, they all look like forms made of blood. "Its you...copper" He runs past a room, it is men in copper armour, like nights, a sword. "I am insane!" he thinks. "haunted!". "Its you its you its you...copper....its you its you its you....now it changes. Like a dream. It becomes a song, a musical, upbeat. "Ita you! copper!" Like something from guys and dolls. the people...finally hes at the lunch room. theya re singling the song, moving, improbable, a dream, shifting. The song...more and more. the white tigers, in the air, a song....more and more spin. He has a single thought. "Its me!" For now, i am him, and he is me. Alive.
I'm alive!
And I'm seeing things mighty clear today, I'm alive
I'm alive!
And I'm sitting here yelling and doin my thing, I'm alive
And I'm real!
I can breathe and touch and sing and feel, I'm alive
I'm a man!
Who don't care if my hair's a bit long, I'm a man
Baby, baby, baby, baby, yeah, yeah!
I'm a man!
And I'm red and I'm yellow I'm black and I'm tan I'm a man
I'm alive!
Sitting here yelling and doing my thing, I'm alive
And I'm real!
I can breathe and touch and sing and feel, I'm alive
I'm alive!
And I'm doing my thing and singing my song, I'm alive
I'm a man
I'm red and I'm yellow I'm black and I'm tan, I'm a man
I'm alive!
I'm alive!
For awhile, two memories. Then they merge, and its me, andrew, and all that stuff is just dream self. Ive explained this before, a lucid me me, and a lucid other in dreams. Like a dream, the cafaterea is normal again. So now, i do want to eat. I get in line, looking at what is offered for selection, what looks good, what will sustain me. Already, the two other selves, and all before, is like how i am when i wake with a dream unwritten. Real but not. Like the shifts of awareness. The server/cook in the cafeterea, looks sorta mean/grumpy. I ask her what is good, she says "everything, i made it". I nod and smile. I speak as if to myself "Yes, of cource, but i want something special...let me see. Oh this baklavah, soo flakey, i can see the honey...dripping....I have to have that. And this...chocolate covered eclair...heavinly, devine, the chocolate, so.... Deep breath. And a donought...i am a cop, i need one. thank you....ohhh...this will be wonderfull! When i look up she is beaming, and has put it all in a to go bag for me. How much? "Well she says, we are closing down soon for lunch clearing out breakfast...4$? Just for a conesioure of sweets! I laugh, say thanks. I give her my card. Atm. Has me real name on it. She runs it...machine locks up. Wont take it, some weird...like...warnings come up on her register. "this is odd" she says. I have a pang. I take it back, say "wrong card"...no matter, i have cash. I pay, and smile, and take my bag of food and go outside. Its about 10am. ITs a busy, futuristic city. I sit and find a fountain. I crumble the donought up, and feed it to strange birds. I did not know that ravens like donought crumbs, but it seems they do. I am relaxed.
Time...again, speeds up. I am sitting with people, people, from the first dream, having a relaxed meal. I...hace few details, much of it seems shifted up. It may be, and i recall, when i stood, i was alone...alone here. But it was like with the tigers, levels. and i see them again, walking with me. A man, sees, me, i mean SEES me. He starts tlaking to me and another person in line. He says strange things. He remembers the bar, the fight. He remembers me running. He remembers...many things. At first he is sane, but soon, he sounds insane. A random story. He was a normal man, he liked to fish. One day he went to the lake, and a light filled the sky. He found himself on an operating table. His chest was cut. "and that, he said, that was the last day of my life. I died, and now i....WHAT AM I? he shivers. I look at him. His face and chest, they arent human, like a dream poking out. White. Chalk white. fish like eyes...alien...he shivers...and he runs. "I remember!" he cries. the dream...a shiver...people were staring. then, its un noticed. Reset. I am shaken... I go to pay. I am carefull that i select my real card. This is some sort of outdoor cafe, i was sitting on the outside part. I give the man my card, and the machine...it locks it this time. There is a loud highpitched sound. Red is flashing. This confuses the workers. One says "I dont understand, it has never done this before!" there is confusion. People checking, a few running. In the chaos, i leave my card, and simply slip away. My awareness is getting, fragmented. I walk...i walk and walk, to clear my head. IT takes time, to get back to myself. But i do...i come back to myself. I am at the base of a mountain. there are maglev tubes, busses, aircraft even landing. People in lines, a buzz of anticipation. An alarm, like an evacuation siren. People rushing around. I stop a woman. Ask her what is going on. She says she does not know. Perhaps a drill. "A drill for what" I ask? "the end of the world" she says simply, then rushes off. No! i am struck by worry. My card in the machine...notes...i need to recover them. So i start running back, the where i came. I stop. A line of beings, like riot police. But...they are aliens, like the man shifted too. they beat their batons on their plastic shields. they advance slowly. Herding people to form and move. Evacuate. this is no drill. I stop before them. They are like robots. I but one foot between them, to cut through. A voice in my mind. Simple, robotic. "Past us is death, dead, pass us and be dead...Please evacuate". I stop...my leg, its...dead, decayed. the city behind these beings...still...trash blowing. No going back. "Evacuate". I turn back to the mountain. I walk forward. children. Like school children, in lines. Lines move in different directions. Onto trains, planes, everything. Evacuating to the mountain. I...get int he line. I ask the woman, the teacher. "can i get in line here". they are surprised. "yes, it is best if you do, that is how the children practiced....If you ran around, it would confuse. them. It shifts. Not scary. A childrens song. "we are going to the mountain, to the mountain, to the mountain" A song. ?Hand claps after the third utterance of "mountain". Calming, fun. the line moves. I begin to lead the singing. "we are going to the mountain, the mountain, the" and then the children sing "Mountain!!! three claps....TO DREAM THE WORLD AWAY". At this, i final sweeping vista, I wake.
(Song only exists in dreams, closest i could find...no jesus stuff lol)
My god, so much. I think its late, must be. I look at my clock. Its 3:20 am. I was sleeping for an hour. I have so much energy, i cant sleep. Take notes. Go out smoke...consider staying up till nephew goes to school. I do not. Takes me an hour to sleep, dream is all around me. As are two tigers, yet i am awake. Near sleep/awake. Tiger climbs on my bed. in its mouth, was the first dreaming, the food/flagpoll, which had been forgotten. thank you tiger! Hug. Now, and only now, can I Sleep. No dreams of note/recall till i wake around 7:30. Get nephew up and out, watch tv a bit. Back to sleep at nine am.
Back to sleep, lots of dreams slip away. Where i pick dreaming back up...We...we, are in a place. An academy, like semi military, attatched to a resort. A school and then a rest area. The school...was grown out of it, the resort, became a part of it. Strange. I walk, i wait for others. I walk the perimiter. the school...tall chain link fenses. A museum to some war, in a small house. Tree lined streets around it. Interesting. I need to go back, inside, to wait, to sleep, to get prepared. their are trailers around the back, camper trailers. I go into one, its my temporary space. I sleep. A dream. I wake in the dream. There is a cliff, and the ocean, in the distance. the surf is up. I get into my swim trunks, and run down to the beach, as if i mean to surf. People are looking. "hes not going to surf that...no one can". this makes me pause. Did i come to surf, or did i like the idea of trying. the beach gets more distant...and the waves are huge!. I decide to turn back, this was just a small nap, i take my board, and return to a hotel room. The hotel is the one the university is attatched too. I wake...but when i wake, im in the trailer again. Odd... but now im back awake in that dream.
In my dreams see I'm on tv
Get back exactly who I wanna be
If she could really see herself in my eyes
This wouldn't be such a big suprise
I'm sick and tired of it getting in my way
I'm sick and tired of everything I seem I know
Nobody rides for free
Nobody rides for free
Don't stop to think cause I know where I stand
I'm on my way no your not gonna change my plan
If you can break away and see what I say
You'll understand what I'm trying to be
I'm sick and tired of talking to my little dates
I'm sick and tired of everyone in my way
Nobody rides for free
Nobody rides for free
Nobody rides
Noooobooody...nobody rides for free
Noooobooody...nobody rides for free
Noooobooody...nobody rides for free
Noooobooody
You've gotta pay to play
So don't you stand in my way
Cause nobody, nobody rides for free
Now the worlds at stake
The card was drawn
You thought he could swim but I guess you were wrong
You sink to the depths of your misery
Baby the past will set you free
Nobody rides for free
Nobody rides for free
Nobody rides
Noooobooody...nobody rides for free
Noooobooody...nobody rides for free
Noooobooody...nobody rides for free
Noooobooody
You've gotta pay to play
So don't you stand in my way
Cause nobody, nobody rides for free
Nobody rides for free
Nobody rides for free...
I wake. Friends are tapping on my window. I am only partially dressed, but i dont care...i pop up and wave hello, and let them into my dressing room/trailer. Seems like ( ) and ( ). We talk. One of them point at the window...somethings wrong! I look..a blank space. the window air conditoner had fallen out...i look...the front has shattered, i can see shards. Oddly, its like the front was glass. I think i may be in trouble. I almos shale with fear. I think glance says oh well **** happens. I brighten up and say "Yea it does!". I get dressed, sorta mismatched. not sure what is going to happen next. We walk outside, others are gathering. We need to get too others. A man and a woman. We see them through the window. they are fighting. Arguing...yelling. We shy away. I saw who they were and why they were doing so, but i will not say. The woman comes out alone, and smiles, asks if we are ready. "yes" we say, we are. We pretend that we cant see the abuse? going on for her sake. She has not said, we will not see. Memories shift. Not mine, it seems. Hers does, oddly enough.
We go into the university annex. One neat thing, is a double fense, like a prison yard. this matches up with a part of the evacuation dream, i am excited, but there is no one to explain it to, but i get something from it. Hosting. We are hosting other groups. It is like a tournament. Debate, speaking, but energy. I stand at the podium, infront of a large rooms. My partner is a woman. Again, i wont say who. When i start speaking...i loose time. gets fuzzy. this was the final round. I come too. I ask her, it seems it is over, the judges are conferring. When i come too, i ask her.... "how did i do?" she says "ok, well...." but its not very supportive. I have a pang inside. the decision. We won the silver, double silver medals, like the olyimpics. I am a bit...dissapointed. I ask her...what did i do wrong? She...seems to have allot of opinions on this. she told me, i adress every point, i touch everything. these judges, they want one solid thrust, its what they understand, what they judge on. Her tone seems kinda harsh to me. I say "the next one, ill do better the next time...if only i could remember". She says no, "the next time you will win the bronze". the bronze!? somehow my mind goes back to the blood, and the copper. I look at her hard. Who was judging me, the judges or her? I get something. I refuse to say it. she denies me the gold, because she has given it, in her, to another, keeps us from winning. Like a trick. Now im being demoted tot he bronze. Is this a debate partner, who lets another win, by judgement...not support, not a team. I need another. But i say none of this. I almost want to cry inside, but such tears...who are they for? anger, sadness, when it is already decided. I am sad. but i say nothing. I go to the trailer, to pack, to go to the next tournament. But i...have...am deciding something. I need to win the gold, just once. to touch it. to know i can. It snot fair for another to tell me, judge...dismiss that...i can not. when i can. And work to give it to another, but tell me, i can not when i can. A cruel trick. Not happy, but not mad. But its good to see. Truth of things. I wake. I calm myself a bit, then get up around 2:20 pm. Take notes. Take care of my day. Fin.
I woke the same as any other day
Except a voice was in my head
It said, "Seize the day, pull the trigger
Drop the blade and watch the rolling heads"
The day I tried to live
I stole a thousand beggar's change and gave it to the rich
The day I tried to win
I dangled from the power lines and let the martyrs stretch
Singing, one more time around might do it
One more time around might make it
One more time around might do it
One more time around I might make it
The day I tried to live
Words you say never seem to live up to the ones inside your head
The lives we make never seem to ever get us anywhere but dead
The day I tried to live
I wallowed in the blood and mud with all the other pigs
Singing, one more time around might do it
One more time around might make it
One more time around might do it
One more time around I might make it
The day I tried to live, I tried
I woke the same as any other day you know why
I should have stayed in bed
The day I tried to win
I wallowed in the blood and mud with all the other pigs
And I learned that I was a liar (One more time around)
I learned that I was a liar (One more time around)
I learned that I was a liar (One more time around)
I learned that I was a liar (One more time around)
Singing, one more time around might do it
One more time around might make it
One more time around might do it
One more time around I might make it
The day I tried to live
Just like you, just like you
One more time around (One more time around)
One more time around (One more time around)
I went to sleep around 2am. Almost immediately, im in dreaming thats hard to put form too. Soon, however, it resolves to me being at...Grandmothers house. Patterned after my real grandmother who died in 2004, but it was not her. (As i saw it, it was the grandmother in dreams, the old woman in the cabin, the one that stands behind others...a spirit being) Again, the knowing of this, brought on by my looking at some pictures and asking questions of my mother, increased my lucidity and dragged me up from hazy dreams to dreams, or a level of awareness in them, where i could remember see what was going on. So im in grandmothers house. She is dead. I am sleeping here (It looks like the apartment where i became ( ) double a few months ago...same layout with the rooms, couch, etc. In that dream there was a scary old woman ghost, in this one no presence). I...my "mother" (who is not my mother, if anyone, she reminded me more of ( )...to young to be my mother ) Wanted pancakes. I am going through the fridge, and drawers, looking to see what she left in the empty house. I tell her i can not make them, however, their are frozen waffles, and other things in the freezer...preserved. It was odd to me, that the pressence was gone, and the place had been empty, yet all the energetic things to eat were left in a state of preservation. So first i make her the waffles and syrup and serve it on a plate. I think im done. I want coffee. I am mixing cinnamon into a small bowl of sugar, both for my coffee and to prep to make something else. A man comes. He wants food too. I look in and see two eggs are left, and some old bread. I crack the eggs in a bowl, and let the bread soak it in. I sprinkle it with my sugar cinnamon mixture. For some reason, i place this directly in the toaster. I am afraid ive made a mistake, but laugh its a dream...and soon enough, it starts cooking properly in the toaster. Back to mixing my coffee sugar. Toast is done. I plate it up and sprinkle some powdered sugar on it, and use the last of the syrup. thats done. Can i finish my coffee now? No. I mixed all of the sugar and cinnamon. this was a mistake, the mixing it all together. So then i have to separate it one granual at a time. Takes forever. More people arrive, wanting to eat. They are easier, as all that is left is some shredded wheat and other things. So they serve themselves. Finally, i get to drink my cup of coffee. It has gone cold. And she has no microwave. I stir my finger in it, and gaze at it like a man reading the future in a pool of water. Then i drink it. seems my finger heated it up some, but its still pretty jarring to me. I go outside. Its still dark out, early morning.
I go outside. There is something like a flag poll in a cement area in front of the tiny house. I look at the house. It is a modern place with partially glass walls, very...trendy, as is the space outside. I note this does not at all look like the nondescript apartment building from last time. But it doesnt matter. I go to the flag poll. I sit next to it. I wrap my awareness up and down it, till im in it, all over it, in every molecule...then...i extrude a version of myself back out of the poll, back to where i was sitting next to it (there was a small circular concrete bench around it. But i really am in both things. I see, feel, this means i just "took over" the transmision, or the flag, for the night, for the rest of dreaming...its hard to explain what this means, exactly, but it was work in energy. The sky still has stars, but it is getting a lighter shade of dark...it is pre dawn. As i work, somebody comes next to me and speaks quietly. I recognize the voice. it is ( ). We talk about the pole, but also the stars, and the night. I remove more of myself to the body. She has brought me a cup of tea, and i thank her, it is very hot. I like the feel on my hands, and as i drink it. I did not notice how cold it was, im not sure i am dressed at all. She leaves after a bid, and then the woman i thought was ( ) (mother) comes. She asks me different questions, and i answer. I see she is cold. I make a fire, a small fire, like in a big fire pan/pot. It crackles and dances, and is warm. To warm us both. Now i go all the way into the flag poll, i need to before dawn comes. I ask ( )? to let the fire burn, and burn, till it burns out, for the warmth. I added enough wood to heat the dreams for the appropriate time. I can hear the flame, and feel the heat, but that is all i sense, in the poll. Out the top, like a flag...now a balloon. Now a real sheet, out and out, swirling around the poll. Into the sky...it is almost dawn. I loose cohesion here, and spiral up and away.
When i next am in dreaming, some time has passed already, it seems, but it as if i just arrived. Myself and the people around me, have been coming under attack after attack. there is a darker version of the house i saw before, now empty. It sits alone, And the most recent attack sends us all running into a dry and barren area, stones and dirt, few plants, a vast plane. It is very dark, where as before it was almost dawn. I am seperated from four other people. this time it seemed we tried zig zagging in different directions. It seems we keep dying, and coming back. This is the first time i became lucid, but i have a vague memory. I have been fighting, (in one section i fought and defeated a white wolf with winter breath) not running, this time, we run. I run along a dry gully, and then it becomes a small cliff. I stand on the edge, unsure what to do next. I am not particularly afraid, but i am tired. A darkening in the sky, a presence drawing closer. Then, a sudden burst of movement, i am knocked down, onto my side, by a white blur. I hear a growl, and then movement, as it runs away. I am dazed. I feel around myself. there is a handgun that has come out of my waist band, i feel my legs for damage. I begin to move to stand, but then voices yell out. "Freeze!". I stop. Two police officers, undercover, like miami vice, or starsky and hutch, pick your Tv show...are standing about 20 feet from me, guns drawn. "kick the weapon over slowly" I hesitate, i think i can drop them in one movement. But im tired, so i comply. I am afraid it will go off when i kick it, and harm them, i voice this to them with genuine concern, they seem a bit taken aback, say it will be fine, just do it...slowly. So i comply. "Sit up slowly...hands to the sky". I comply. I am handcuffed. They congratulate each other. this is a change, being taken like this for me, perhaps im tired of dying? I have no fear or animosity towards them, i am actually relieved, whatever they are, is not what had my running, like they are just characters in a play and nice enough. I give a big sigh, as they walk me back to their patrol car (actually it is some sort of sports car) I see helicopters with search lights all around, but feel certain everyone else i bought time to get out of it. I have time to think, to myself, if this is in some way related to ( ) dream i read before sleep. I think it is, also, i wonder about what ( ) response to it will be, its very specific. (her response was very similar, in my minds eye in dreaming, to what she ended up posting). Odd. I mumble to the officers, if they saw the white blur. "I think its a white tiger, it is stalking me". They look at each other, and make a hand motion like "hes been drinking" so i fall silent again.
I am taken to a large city, bright, its day. The two men, they take me to a place like a hospital/police station. Its very strange, modern, multiple levels. Round windows, glass walls, very futuristic. I Sit in the booking area. I am handcuffed to the wall. One of the officers is doing paperwork, the other is sitting keeping an eye on me. I am remarkably relaxed. I am being asked questions, and answering honestly, conversationally. this seems to...challenge these officers ideas of what was happening. One of them is very...shifted. the other hardens the other way about me. I tell them my real name, that i percieve that i am dreaming, not in a solid reality. I tell them about the flag poll, and details about the three fights, including the one with the wolf. They take notes, but are increasingly...mystified, as if they just caught a strange man who is saying, and proving, that the world isnt real. What does that say about them, how do they put it into a report? The more hostile partner, and he is speaking back and forth with the other one finally says. "We just do our job, write what he says. We can explain it all by transfering him to a mental hospital, we will bring him in for a 51/50 and then its not out problem. the other officer says...yes. But.... "I think i saw a white tiger as well". the othe rman goes silent. I feel relief, say see...i commited no crime. The relaity shifts a bit. the reason now i was arrested, was a random bar fight. It seems i was talking to this officer, the white tigers came up and reality, we grew angry, he taunted... i punched him, and he arrested me. the reality shifted just like that, to the dream, the other parts did not happen. I felt it shift. They just had a pang on their face, like...they forgot something. I looked at what they were typing...the notes reflected this new reality. I looked at the one cop. I said "do you remember...the tiger, the chase in the night. The reality just shifted...remember...hold it. He shook his head. Said nothing. They finished the report. they were transfering me to county mental for evaluation, I was not under arrest. I felt relief, actually, i dont mind being in a place to rest. Solid. I made eye contact with the cop one last time, and they left. I loose a bit of detail here.
“Drive” lyrics
Drive!
Push it to the floor till the engine screams.
Drive!
Drivin’ like the demon that drives your beat.
You’re on a hard road, nobody cares
If you hit the breaks.
You gotta think fast, keep it in gear,
One slip is all it takes.
You gotta keep your wheels on the straight and narrow,
If you wanna survive.
Drive!
Push it to the floor till the engine screams.
Drive!
Drivin’ like the demon that drives the beat.
Drive!
Slow motion man, iron and steel in the palm of your hand
High flying heart, betting your life on the state of the art.
Lay down the law, don’t you let ‘em cross the line
Under the hood, got the bad and the good
Everybody’s doing time
Drive!
Next dream scene. I am again handcuffed to a person, we enter a waiting/intake room. It is the mental hospital. I am handcuffed to a woman. It is ( ) i believe, in the dream, but i do not say this. There is a funny part, where we sit in the wrong places and the chains twist, she tells me to "no sit in the chair next to my on the side you are cuffed to, not the opposite one!" i chuckle and say "sorry officer". I look across. There is another woman, i think an officer, again in normal clothes. It seems she has a prisoner as well. This one is ( ). there are two more people, a man and a woman, waiting in here as well. They seem unrelated to whatever is going on. Time passes slowly. At some point, Kao and shamanka talk. shamankas eyes are weird, three segments, three different shades, like a living pie chart, cut into three segments. they talk. One of the unchained people...recognizes her. says "i didnt know you were with the police...undercover ehh?" she looks akward. ( ) says "Dont worry OFFICER ( ), you secret is safe love they wont remember". they both laugh a bit. I laugh. We speak a bit about things. Seeing. three scenes. Becoming reality, in dreams, see the switches? You do, dont you? they look a bit...confused like the cop. "yes sen, i see...i...remember?" was more like a question. At this im satisfied, and slump into my seat, untill i am taken into the mental hospital. In all these parts, i am afraid, a bit, the tiger will come back and kill me. Is all im concerned about it seems.
Brief flashes. As if a montage. I am in a bed, there are cameras on me, I sleep, i wake. I wake to a monitored hospital room. as if im heavily drugged. I go to sleep. In sleep, it is this city, and i am free. I go to sleep in this city, i wake, i am in my tonal room, relieved, in my own bed. A flash like lightening, im back in the bed, in straps. On and on, in and out like this, for days. One night, i come fully lucid. Im in the above the hospital room dream, but below the "real me asleep" one. In that state, the tiger! the tiger! i am afraid. It pounces on me. It climbs up my body...huh? its around my head like a hat, body on me. My fear gives way. A spirit, an ally....I....I love you! i think, was protecting. I bury my head into its fur and cry. Relief, i am safe, it was ok. A second tiger. there were two white tigers. Two...i...something. Pain? I wa safe...what...fall back into the bed i am strapped in. My chest...hurt, heart...slowly...i die, i die. Awareness goes up to the tiger, in the tiger. Awareness goes up, i lay in bed. And yet...i die. I am dead, but still in dreams...dead/not dead. The poem from the dream a few nights ago. I die, blood, drip. Dead. Major shift.
The cop comes into work, it is morning. He had been thinking about the arrest, the shift, the two versions, the chase, and the bar. He could not sleep. He came into the station, the big open room under the circular window to the upper part. The floors are bare concrete, there is a seam in the middle like for water. He looks down at his shoes. In the middle of the room, running out a drain in the floor, is blood. Sticky, a smell. "My blood" he thinks. this confusses him. He walks up to his partner. they speak. My case comes up. this cop, the one im around asks "I was doing allot of thinking on that case, i cant sleep I..." "Well no need" says the other cop. Case is closed, seems he got himself murdered in the psych ward. "what!?" the first cop asks.... "how...why". Look, says his partner, i dont know and i dont care. Got some more info on that guy. He used to be a criminal...run a gang or crew, that did jobs. "but he was...nice" says the cop im around. "sure he was" says his partner. "He got away with it" set up, retired...of cource he was nice, he had allot to loose. Seems it caught up with him". Case closed he laughs. "a crew? what do you..." the first cop gets anoyed. "Case CLOSED hes dead" then he thinks... "A crew". Maybe they found him, maybe the state wanted him dead...was he innocent...it doesnt matter, case closed...dont think on it". the cop im around pauses, in thought. then mischieveosly hi partner said "you could probably run a crew too, thing is, youd get away with it, not like that poor stiff running down the drain". The cop simply nods. He is lost in thought. His oartner says...look, its been a long week, take the day off, grab some food, come back with your mind on work tomorow ok...looking at him with a reserved expression. "yea the cop says, yea...ill do that". Im in him, around him. He is looping, like this whole thing is an episode of the twilight zone. "food, sounds good". and he leaves to go eat at the cafeteria.
"Blow Up The Outside World"
Nothing seem to kill me no matter how hard I try
Nothing is closing my eyes
Nothing can beat me down for your pain or delight
And nothing seems to break me
No matter how hard I fall nothing can break me at all
Not one for giving up though not invincible I know
I've givin' everything I need
I'd give you everything I own
I'd give in if it could at least be ours alone
I've given everything I could
To blow it to hell and gone
Burrow down and
Blow up the outside world
Someone tried to tell me something
Don't let the world bring you down
Nothing will do me in before I do myself
So save it for your own and the ones you can help
Want to make it understood
Wanting though I never would
Trying though I know it's wrong
Blowing it to hell and gone
Wishing though I never could
Blow up the upside world
Hes walking, past halls, past doors. So much motion. A living city, inside a single building, indoors, outdoors. Deep in thought. There...a flash! cant be...a tiger, a reflection in a mirror. Over there! a form...a tiger, two tigers, stalking in a hall. He shakes his head. Starts walking faster. I...sen...speak to him. A voice in his head. But im unclear. I say "its you...its you..." He snaps his head around. Confussed. Im like i was on the flag poll. He is the flag poll. I am int he tigers, in the air. A ghost, no, just aware. "Its you..." i repeat. He begin to run...then stops, out of breath. Knocks over mail lady...mumbles an apology. "copper". Its you, copper" the metal. He smells it, the smell of the blood, he begins to shift to dream, awake, who am i? where am I? he runs again. I am around him, speaking. He looks down halls. "Copper" He sees a room full of copper colored beings. "Copper" he runs past another, they all look like forms made of blood. "Its you...copper" He runs past a room, it is men in copper armour, like nights, a sword. "I am insane!" he thinks. "haunted!". "Its you its you its you...copper....its you its you its you....now it changes. Like a dream. It becomes a song, a musical, upbeat. "Ita you! copper!" Like something from guys and dolls. the people...finally hes at the lunch room. theya re singling the song, moving, improbable, a dream, shifting. The song...more and more. the white tigers, in the air, a song....more and more spin. He has a single thought. "Its me!" For now, i am him, and he is me. Alive.
I'm alive!
And I'm seeing things mighty clear today, I'm alive
I'm alive!
And I'm sitting here yelling and doin my thing, I'm alive
And I'm real!
I can breathe and touch and sing and feel, I'm alive
I'm a man!
Who don't care if my hair's a bit long, I'm a man
Baby, baby, baby, baby, yeah, yeah!
I'm a man!
And I'm red and I'm yellow I'm black and I'm tan I'm a man
I'm alive!
Sitting here yelling and doing my thing, I'm alive
And I'm real!
I can breathe and touch and sing and feel, I'm alive
I'm alive!
And I'm doing my thing and singing my song, I'm alive
I'm a man
I'm red and I'm yellow I'm black and I'm tan, I'm a man
I'm alive!
I'm alive!
For awhile, two memories. Then they merge, and its me, andrew, and all that stuff is just dream self. Ive explained this before, a lucid me me, and a lucid other in dreams. Like a dream, the cafaterea is normal again. So now, i do want to eat. I get in line, looking at what is offered for selection, what looks good, what will sustain me. Already, the two other selves, and all before, is like how i am when i wake with a dream unwritten. Real but not. Like the shifts of awareness. The server/cook in the cafeterea, looks sorta mean/grumpy. I ask her what is good, she says "everything, i made it". I nod and smile. I speak as if to myself "Yes, of cource, but i want something special...let me see. Oh this baklavah, soo flakey, i can see the honey...dripping....I have to have that. And this...chocolate covered eclair...heavinly, devine, the chocolate, so.... Deep breath. And a donought...i am a cop, i need one. thank you....ohhh...this will be wonderfull! When i look up she is beaming, and has put it all in a to go bag for me. How much? "Well she says, we are closing down soon for lunch clearing out breakfast...4$? Just for a conesioure of sweets! I laugh, say thanks. I give her my card. Atm. Has me real name on it. She runs it...machine locks up. Wont take it, some weird...like...warnings come up on her register. "this is odd" she says. I have a pang. I take it back, say "wrong card"...no matter, i have cash. I pay, and smile, and take my bag of food and go outside. Its about 10am. ITs a busy, futuristic city. I sit and find a fountain. I crumble the donought up, and feed it to strange birds. I did not know that ravens like donought crumbs, but it seems they do. I am relaxed.
Time...again, speeds up. I am sitting with people, people, from the first dream, having a relaxed meal. I...hace few details, much of it seems shifted up. It may be, and i recall, when i stood, i was alone...alone here. But it was like with the tigers, levels. and i see them again, walking with me. A man, sees, me, i mean SEES me. He starts tlaking to me and another person in line. He says strange things. He remembers the bar, the fight. He remembers me running. He remembers...many things. At first he is sane, but soon, he sounds insane. A random story. He was a normal man, he liked to fish. One day he went to the lake, and a light filled the sky. He found himself on an operating table. His chest was cut. "and that, he said, that was the last day of my life. I died, and now i....WHAT AM I? he shivers. I look at him. His face and chest, they arent human, like a dream poking out. White. Chalk white. fish like eyes...alien...he shivers...and he runs. "I remember!" he cries. the dream...a shiver...people were staring. then, its un noticed. Reset. I am shaken... I go to pay. I am carefull that i select my real card. This is some sort of outdoor cafe, i was sitting on the outside part. I give the man my card, and the machine...it locks it this time. There is a loud highpitched sound. Red is flashing. This confuses the workers. One says "I dont understand, it has never done this before!" there is confusion. People checking, a few running. In the chaos, i leave my card, and simply slip away. My awareness is getting, fragmented. I walk...i walk and walk, to clear my head. IT takes time, to get back to myself. But i do...i come back to myself. I am at the base of a mountain. there are maglev tubes, busses, aircraft even landing. People in lines, a buzz of anticipation. An alarm, like an evacuation siren. People rushing around. I stop a woman. Ask her what is going on. She says she does not know. Perhaps a drill. "A drill for what" I ask? "the end of the world" she says simply, then rushes off. No! i am struck by worry. My card in the machine...notes...i need to recover them. So i start running back, the where i came. I stop. A line of beings, like riot police. But...they are aliens, like the man shifted too. they beat their batons on their plastic shields. they advance slowly. Herding people to form and move. Evacuate. this is no drill. I stop before them. They are like robots. I but one foot between them, to cut through. A voice in my mind. Simple, robotic. "Past us is death, dead, pass us and be dead...Please evacuate". I stop...my leg, its...dead, decayed. the city behind these beings...still...trash blowing. No going back. "Evacuate". I turn back to the mountain. I walk forward. children. Like school children, in lines. Lines move in different directions. Onto trains, planes, everything. Evacuating to the mountain. I...get int he line. I ask the woman, the teacher. "can i get in line here". they are surprised. "yes, it is best if you do, that is how the children practiced....If you ran around, it would confuse. them. It shifts. Not scary. A childrens song. "we are going to the mountain, to the mountain, to the mountain" A song. ?Hand claps after the third utterance of "mountain". Calming, fun. the line moves. I begin to lead the singing. "we are going to the mountain, the mountain, the" and then the children sing "Mountain!!! three claps....TO DREAM THE WORLD AWAY". At this, i final sweeping vista, I wake.
(Song only exists in dreams, closest i could find...no jesus stuff lol)
My god, so much. I think its late, must be. I look at my clock. Its 3:20 am. I was sleeping for an hour. I have so much energy, i cant sleep. Take notes. Go out smoke...consider staying up till nephew goes to school. I do not. Takes me an hour to sleep, dream is all around me. As are two tigers, yet i am awake. Near sleep/awake. Tiger climbs on my bed. in its mouth, was the first dreaming, the food/flagpoll, which had been forgotten. thank you tiger! Hug. Now, and only now, can I Sleep. No dreams of note/recall till i wake around 7:30. Get nephew up and out, watch tv a bit. Back to sleep at nine am.
Back to sleep, lots of dreams slip away. Where i pick dreaming back up...We...we, are in a place. An academy, like semi military, attatched to a resort. A school and then a rest area. The school...was grown out of it, the resort, became a part of it. Strange. I walk, i wait for others. I walk the perimiter. the school...tall chain link fenses. A museum to some war, in a small house. Tree lined streets around it. Interesting. I need to go back, inside, to wait, to sleep, to get prepared. their are trailers around the back, camper trailers. I go into one, its my temporary space. I sleep. A dream. I wake in the dream. There is a cliff, and the ocean, in the distance. the surf is up. I get into my swim trunks, and run down to the beach, as if i mean to surf. People are looking. "hes not going to surf that...no one can". this makes me pause. Did i come to surf, or did i like the idea of trying. the beach gets more distant...and the waves are huge!. I decide to turn back, this was just a small nap, i take my board, and return to a hotel room. The hotel is the one the university is attatched too. I wake...but when i wake, im in the trailer again. Odd... but now im back awake in that dream.
In my dreams see I'm on tv
Get back exactly who I wanna be
If she could really see herself in my eyes
This wouldn't be such a big suprise
I'm sick and tired of it getting in my way
I'm sick and tired of everything I seem I know
Nobody rides for free
Nobody rides for free
Don't stop to think cause I know where I stand
I'm on my way no your not gonna change my plan
If you can break away and see what I say
You'll understand what I'm trying to be
I'm sick and tired of talking to my little dates
I'm sick and tired of everyone in my way
Nobody rides for free
Nobody rides for free
Nobody rides
Noooobooody...nobody rides for free
Noooobooody...nobody rides for free
Noooobooody...nobody rides for free
Noooobooody
You've gotta pay to play
So don't you stand in my way
Cause nobody, nobody rides for free
Now the worlds at stake
The card was drawn
You thought he could swim but I guess you were wrong
You sink to the depths of your misery
Baby the past will set you free
Nobody rides for free
Nobody rides for free
Nobody rides
Noooobooody...nobody rides for free
Noooobooody...nobody rides for free
Noooobooody...nobody rides for free
Noooobooody
You've gotta pay to play
So don't you stand in my way
Cause nobody, nobody rides for free
Nobody rides for free
Nobody rides for free...
I wake. Friends are tapping on my window. I am only partially dressed, but i dont care...i pop up and wave hello, and let them into my dressing room/trailer. Seems like ( ) and ( ). We talk. One of them point at the window...somethings wrong! I look..a blank space. the window air conditoner had fallen out...i look...the front has shattered, i can see shards. Oddly, its like the front was glass. I think i may be in trouble. I almos shale with fear. I think glance says oh well **** happens. I brighten up and say "Yea it does!". I get dressed, sorta mismatched. not sure what is going to happen next. We walk outside, others are gathering. We need to get too others. A man and a woman. We see them through the window. they are fighting. Arguing...yelling. We shy away. I saw who they were and why they were doing so, but i will not say. The woman comes out alone, and smiles, asks if we are ready. "yes" we say, we are. We pretend that we cant see the abuse? going on for her sake. She has not said, we will not see. Memories shift. Not mine, it seems. Hers does, oddly enough.
We go into the university annex. One neat thing, is a double fense, like a prison yard. this matches up with a part of the evacuation dream, i am excited, but there is no one to explain it to, but i get something from it. Hosting. We are hosting other groups. It is like a tournament. Debate, speaking, but energy. I stand at the podium, infront of a large rooms. My partner is a woman. Again, i wont say who. When i start speaking...i loose time. gets fuzzy. this was the final round. I come too. I ask her, it seems it is over, the judges are conferring. When i come too, i ask her.... "how did i do?" she says "ok, well...." but its not very supportive. I have a pang inside. the decision. We won the silver, double silver medals, like the olyimpics. I am a bit...dissapointed. I ask her...what did i do wrong? She...seems to have allot of opinions on this. she told me, i adress every point, i touch everything. these judges, they want one solid thrust, its what they understand, what they judge on. Her tone seems kinda harsh to me. I say "the next one, ill do better the next time...if only i could remember". She says no, "the next time you will win the bronze". the bronze!? somehow my mind goes back to the blood, and the copper. I look at her hard. Who was judging me, the judges or her? I get something. I refuse to say it. she denies me the gold, because she has given it, in her, to another, keeps us from winning. Like a trick. Now im being demoted tot he bronze. Is this a debate partner, who lets another win, by judgement...not support, not a team. I need another. But i say none of this. I almost want to cry inside, but such tears...who are they for? anger, sadness, when it is already decided. I am sad. but i say nothing. I go to the trailer, to pack, to go to the next tournament. But i...have...am deciding something. I need to win the gold, just once. to touch it. to know i can. It snot fair for another to tell me, judge...dismiss that...i can not. when i can. And work to give it to another, but tell me, i can not when i can. A cruel trick. Not happy, but not mad. But its good to see. Truth of things. I wake. I calm myself a bit, then get up around 2:20 pm. Take notes. Take care of my day. Fin.
I woke the same as any other day
Except a voice was in my head
It said, "Seize the day, pull the trigger
Drop the blade and watch the rolling heads"
The day I tried to live
I stole a thousand beggar's change and gave it to the rich
The day I tried to win
I dangled from the power lines and let the martyrs stretch
Singing, one more time around might do it
One more time around might make it
One more time around might do it
One more time around I might make it
The day I tried to live
Words you say never seem to live up to the ones inside your head
The lives we make never seem to ever get us anywhere but dead
The day I tried to live
I wallowed in the blood and mud with all the other pigs
Singing, one more time around might do it
One more time around might make it
One more time around might do it
One more time around I might make it
The day I tried to live, I tried
I woke the same as any other day you know why
I should have stayed in bed
The day I tried to win
I wallowed in the blood and mud with all the other pigs
And I learned that I was a liar (One more time around)
I learned that I was a liar (One more time around)
I learned that I was a liar (One more time around)
I learned that I was a liar (One more time around)
Singing, one more time around might do it
One more time around might make it
One more time around might do it
One more time around I might make it
The day I tried to live
Just like you, just like you
One more time around (One more time around)
One more time around (One more time around)