11-08-2011, 12:00 AM
When you put it like that I appreciate your recognition of the aspect of self that gives a damn...and i recognize the arrogance in myself that thinks its my place to make things right lol. The two go hand in hand.
Let me tell you a story of my past. We started out ok...my father taught Art history at cal state Fullerton, he had an antique store in Claremont. Before that he was the assistant director at the Los angeles museum of African American art (lol), and at the La museum of art in charge of contemporary collection. I don’t know why exactly things started falling apart, but i remember, at maybe 4, him becoming scary. Beating my mom, yelling, hitting me. Looking at me with anger as he became dissatisfied with our crumbling lives. He dismantled and gave away y jungle Jim to my pre-school (with the orangutan and alligators) to pay my tuition. In the end, he got a job at a market research company and lost his antique business over a fight with his female partner (former lovers before my mom). I loved the memories before it got too bad. The Greek restaurant were the owners were nice and would slip me some current wine with my baklava and my favorite, roast lamb...so yummy. I didn’t know what was happening. I remember wanting to kill myself after awhile. Some old fucker poisoned my poor cat and we found it floating in the neighbors pool. I didn’t understand. Before that things were magical...the trip to Mexico (Guadalajara) was the last happy thing. There was a little girl, my age, selling gum by herself in the plaza. She very shyly handed me a piece and smiled...for free hehe. Maybe she was 5 and i was 4 lol. First time i fell in love, although i wouldn’t understand it then of course....somebody looking at me, a stranger, with i don’t know...love and connection. The ponies that drew the cart we rode in. The plain ride, holding my Daniel puppet (from Mr. Rodgers) looking out the window with him on my hand at the brown hills and little towns so far below. Was like magic. The two cousins that came to live with us....the ones i told you about always fighting lol...same as then. I hated when they had to go to school, and would wait by the door for them to get back so i could hug them...and get into their stuff, break their models or get into their tapes...lol.
One thing that stands alone is my best friend. We would go to Disneyland and stuff...man that was like the best the anticipation of going. i remember his 4th or 5th birthday. Was so fun. And then he was gone. Nobody told me at the time, but i found out a few years latter. His dad had got mad gunned him and his mom down at the bank or something. Just gone.
Just moved one day to Seattle area. I remember the trip...that was kind of magical too. Me and my dad rode in the truck...sneaking the cats and the chicken into the hotel rooms at night lol. damn truck broke down and we had to walk to a phone for a repair man. He wouldn’t open the truck till we walked back because he was afraid my chicken, that i got from the preschool (hatched them for a project) would peck his eyes out hehe. I guess when we got to Washington, a friend of his had promised him a VP job in that office. Think he had it for a day, before he was told to hit the malls, her son was getting the job. Was piece work, so he ended up making less then a dollar an hour, stuck out at the far end of Tacoma and SeaTac malls. In one house, selling furniture, to a cheaper house a few months latter...etc etc. Till we eventually ended up in in Homewood terrace co-op for poor fucks like us. I don’t know why people hated us so much...i imagine my father, reduced to grinding poverty from being the swinging with a house on mount Washington in los angeles he started as, as he still does, probably told his self absorbed stories and was condescending to the ignorant fools he was surrounded by. I’m sure he just talked about art, or his interests, and that was probably enough for them to hate and attack us. Throw rocks through the window, egg the car with us in it, chase us with high beams etc. I didn’t understand. I think i thought it was my fault somehow, must be as i was getting it.
>
Right then i kind of started shutting down allot. Before the co-op < In a field near one of the temporary homes> is when i had my first "paranormal" with the being in the field...floating above the ground. > Other people were running but I was drawn mesmerized. My brother was even smaller then me he ran too a after a few minutes> When that sort of stuff started. I’m a kid what the hell its all possible in my mind. ...ended up sexually assaulting a female girl a week latter....she came to my dad with what happened he told her "do whats right, don’t put up with that". That part time job didn’t last long hehe. (Some of these i learned about later lol) Or the rich people (lol) in the house by the lake who took me to see et (movie tickets wow) with their kids...little things like that stand out more because it was so much bad.
One time my dads check for 2 weeks was 50$. We were already going to the food bank. Ate allot of pasta with Alpo. Sometimes my dads female boss would visit for some reason buy us groceries make promises about how he would get promoted soon to hang in t here old friend to my dad. Never happened. One Christmas the church people must have taken pity...was lots of toys and stuff out of the blue. A few months latter, feeling i had to do something, i took all my toys and went door to door trying to sell them. Made 5$ to give my mom i think. Got my dad in allot of trouble so i had 10$ of skin taken off my ass for it hehe. Another time he and his fellow slaves tried to open a competing business...that was exciting...my dad had hope and things were better..for the two weeks before it failed...i think they were faking surveys....and he had to go back and beg for his job back. Think he got it...at lower rate per survey. I was in kindergarten...i was becoming very....not withdrawn, but creative in my outlets. I told you of the cities i would build. Pyramids and canals channeling running water. I would build these places and fill hem with people. Histories, cultures and gods. At first usually some kids would come and stomp them down, but after awhile, as they grew more intricate and i grew more animated in explaining them, people would help me, and even the yard duty people would come and watch. There would be 10 of us talking about how the roads worked or what this was or that. Funny thing those cities and civilizations, worlds i imagined. Recently, as i shared with you, I was shown they were "Real" in some dimension, and i was the “god” of their civilization. And a thousand others. lol. From a little kid playing in the sand and mud with sticks and rocks. I am, in some dimension, the flayed god of the playground civilization. Didn’t fill you in on the real meaning for me or memory from the past hehe too crazy.
the most interesting person was Rodney . He came from the city for the campfire group, to help the poor kids i guess lol. He met my parents and liked them i guess...due to being educated and worldly lol...he was an engineering student in college i think. He would take all of the kids from the group to the exposition park (world fair place with monorail) museums and stuff. We would got to church with him to his Chinese Baptist church sometimes. And the people there were the nicest. Go and eat overlooking the lake at the expensive restaurants because we were like a novelty i guess lol. Doesn’t matter it was real. One thing, i snuck out and wandered in the back lot found a lantern bush? with candles burned out around it. So i ask the youth guy, why? They stammered a bit....some of the older people still do the customs of the beliefs in china. I let it go. The spot felt good....like better then inside a church. Something was there smiling it felt to me.
Well, as things tend to go, i realize now he was there so much because of my mom...i guess she was pretty. And sad and trapped. and abused. His coming so much made her sadder. I bet she confided in him, and he was her only friend, only person who cared bout her in that as then, like now she is so alone. I don’t think she did anything,. One time my mom and I got beaten so bad she and i couldn’t leave the house . They were drinking cheap wine the two of them (parents) heavily then. Hence the Alpo and noodles to eat hehe. Rodney came and saw...went to Kathy dongs house called the police. They did not even show up. I can imagine what he was thinking. Maybe he had a crush or was in love with her...because she was so vulnerable. And me and my little brother. He had lots of reasons. Rich guy from immigrant parents. He bought me a set of classical tapes...gave me his collection...music from the glass harmonica and peter and the wolf were my favorites. And a stereo system he gave my parents with it. Nothing happened from it. He still visited, my dad knew and was shamed a bit i think . It was a important moment. I don’t think it would have been any better. Not my mom, or me, could leave my dad. We loved him too much to betray him. Still do. He s till came and we went places all of us...but he seemed...sad and ashamed. Chinese people i guess don’t do stuff like that.
My dads semi estranged brother and my dads uncle lived close. One time we went to uncle jeanes...wasn’t real nice, but his wife was sweet. He had a bull...i loved that bull. was so interesting. One time i came and asked where he went. He is the shed imp going to slaughter him tomorrow. I cried and begged for the poor thing...my friend. So he didn’t kill him...while i was there. Dad wouldn’t take me back to uncle jeanes after that. thought i wanted to die i was so sad...still am sad about that. poor creature who grazed by the creek and let me pet him. My uncle sometimes we would all go and help him work on his new house in the woods...his little farm on 20 acres. We weren’t welcome. Had us for one thanksgiving after that we were alone. He was a bible beater. So much there with him. I wasn’t allowed to visit because i was a non Christian influence due to being baptized catholic...he was too, but grandma wouldn’t bless his marriage at 17 to the thirty year old >. He killed himself last year. just sucked down a shotgun shell. She told us, my dad asked about the funeral. We were all ready to fly my dad sister brother and momma and i for his funeral. She forgot to tell us about it. Turns out, my dads not being there got him out of uncle jeanes will, who was wealthy and is now pushing 102. Lucky for her. It sucked, uncle Tim came here left us a copy of a purpose driven life. I didn’t read it. We went to the mountains to the falls with my sister while my grandma was dying. Rally talked, i think he saw us a people for the first time. then he went back after some drama after her death (he thought she had more money and he apparently needed it). And killed himself.
As soon as we went to Washington, we moved back. Just wasn’t working. Dad finally lost his shitty job. Grandma, who had been sending money, and shame and berating along with it, had enough. Said we could move in with her. That was a new misery much like my own now. but the end of Washington. So we left.
The irony? My dad has two masters degrees (MFA and Art history) and was teaching college. Apparently, as he discovered 7 years later, he could have been teaching high school on the state program. Was a teacher shortage. They were advertising it on TV. He just never made the connection or noticed it. Hey im qualified and i don’t have to keep at this dead end job being used...nope. he was going to suffer till the world came to its senses, patted him on his back and gave him that vp job he was promised. lol. So like me, my father. If he had thought to look into it. But he never even thought about teaching. None of it had to be the way it was. But for his being more focused on beating his wife and feeling wronged by the universe. The way out...way to a different experience was his to take all along. I tried, but it wasn’t in my power to help them. I just didn’t know what to do, but thought it was my fault. And i guess i decided i would not fail them, and dedicate my life to stopping their pain and my own. Man, oh man. lol.
>
Let me tell you a story of my past. We started out ok...my father taught Art history at cal state Fullerton, he had an antique store in Claremont. Before that he was the assistant director at the Los angeles museum of African American art (lol), and at the La museum of art in charge of contemporary collection. I don’t know why exactly things started falling apart, but i remember, at maybe 4, him becoming scary. Beating my mom, yelling, hitting me. Looking at me with anger as he became dissatisfied with our crumbling lives. He dismantled and gave away y jungle Jim to my pre-school (with the orangutan and alligators) to pay my tuition. In the end, he got a job at a market research company and lost his antique business over a fight with his female partner (former lovers before my mom). I loved the memories before it got too bad. The Greek restaurant were the owners were nice and would slip me some current wine with my baklava and my favorite, roast lamb...so yummy. I didn’t know what was happening. I remember wanting to kill myself after awhile. Some old fucker poisoned my poor cat and we found it floating in the neighbors pool. I didn’t understand. Before that things were magical...the trip to Mexico (Guadalajara) was the last happy thing. There was a little girl, my age, selling gum by herself in the plaza. She very shyly handed me a piece and smiled...for free hehe. Maybe she was 5 and i was 4 lol. First time i fell in love, although i wouldn’t understand it then of course....somebody looking at me, a stranger, with i don’t know...love and connection. The ponies that drew the cart we rode in. The plain ride, holding my Daniel puppet (from Mr. Rodgers) looking out the window with him on my hand at the brown hills and little towns so far below. Was like magic. The two cousins that came to live with us....the ones i told you about always fighting lol...same as then. I hated when they had to go to school, and would wait by the door for them to get back so i could hug them...and get into their stuff, break their models or get into their tapes...lol.
One thing that stands alone is my best friend. We would go to Disneyland and stuff...man that was like the best the anticipation of going. i remember his 4th or 5th birthday. Was so fun. And then he was gone. Nobody told me at the time, but i found out a few years latter. His dad had got mad gunned him and his mom down at the bank or something. Just gone.
Just moved one day to Seattle area. I remember the trip...that was kind of magical too. Me and my dad rode in the truck...sneaking the cats and the chicken into the hotel rooms at night lol. damn truck broke down and we had to walk to a phone for a repair man. He wouldn’t open the truck till we walked back because he was afraid my chicken, that i got from the preschool (hatched them for a project) would peck his eyes out hehe. I guess when we got to Washington, a friend of his had promised him a VP job in that office. Think he had it for a day, before he was told to hit the malls, her son was getting the job. Was piece work, so he ended up making less then a dollar an hour, stuck out at the far end of Tacoma and SeaTac malls. In one house, selling furniture, to a cheaper house a few months latter...etc etc. Till we eventually ended up in in Homewood terrace co-op for poor fucks like us. I don’t know why people hated us so much...i imagine my father, reduced to grinding poverty from being the swinging with a house on mount Washington in los angeles he started as, as he still does, probably told his self absorbed stories and was condescending to the ignorant fools he was surrounded by. I’m sure he just talked about art, or his interests, and that was probably enough for them to hate and attack us. Throw rocks through the window, egg the car with us in it, chase us with high beams etc. I didn’t understand. I think i thought it was my fault somehow, must be as i was getting it.
>
Right then i kind of started shutting down allot. Before the co-op < In a field near one of the temporary homes> is when i had my first "paranormal" with the being in the field...floating above the ground. > Other people were running but I was drawn mesmerized. My brother was even smaller then me he ran too a after a few minutes> When that sort of stuff started. I’m a kid what the hell its all possible in my mind. ...ended up sexually assaulting a female girl a week latter....she came to my dad with what happened he told her "do whats right, don’t put up with that". That part time job didn’t last long hehe. (Some of these i learned about later lol) Or the rich people (lol) in the house by the lake who took me to see et (movie tickets wow) with their kids...little things like that stand out more because it was so much bad.
One time my dads check for 2 weeks was 50$. We were already going to the food bank. Ate allot of pasta with Alpo. Sometimes my dads female boss would visit for some reason buy us groceries make promises about how he would get promoted soon to hang in t here old friend to my dad. Never happened. One Christmas the church people must have taken pity...was lots of toys and stuff out of the blue. A few months latter, feeling i had to do something, i took all my toys and went door to door trying to sell them. Made 5$ to give my mom i think. Got my dad in allot of trouble so i had 10$ of skin taken off my ass for it hehe. Another time he and his fellow slaves tried to open a competing business...that was exciting...my dad had hope and things were better..for the two weeks before it failed...i think they were faking surveys....and he had to go back and beg for his job back. Think he got it...at lower rate per survey. I was in kindergarten...i was becoming very....not withdrawn, but creative in my outlets. I told you of the cities i would build. Pyramids and canals channeling running water. I would build these places and fill hem with people. Histories, cultures and gods. At first usually some kids would come and stomp them down, but after awhile, as they grew more intricate and i grew more animated in explaining them, people would help me, and even the yard duty people would come and watch. There would be 10 of us talking about how the roads worked or what this was or that. Funny thing those cities and civilizations, worlds i imagined. Recently, as i shared with you, I was shown they were "Real" in some dimension, and i was the “god” of their civilization. And a thousand others. lol. From a little kid playing in the sand and mud with sticks and rocks. I am, in some dimension, the flayed god of the playground civilization. Didn’t fill you in on the real meaning for me or memory from the past hehe too crazy.
the most interesting person was Rodney . He came from the city for the campfire group, to help the poor kids i guess lol. He met my parents and liked them i guess...due to being educated and worldly lol...he was an engineering student in college i think. He would take all of the kids from the group to the exposition park (world fair place with monorail) museums and stuff. We would got to church with him to his Chinese Baptist church sometimes. And the people there were the nicest. Go and eat overlooking the lake at the expensive restaurants because we were like a novelty i guess lol. Doesn’t matter it was real. One thing, i snuck out and wandered in the back lot found a lantern bush? with candles burned out around it. So i ask the youth guy, why? They stammered a bit....some of the older people still do the customs of the beliefs in china. I let it go. The spot felt good....like better then inside a church. Something was there smiling it felt to me.
Well, as things tend to go, i realize now he was there so much because of my mom...i guess she was pretty. And sad and trapped. and abused. His coming so much made her sadder. I bet she confided in him, and he was her only friend, only person who cared bout her in that as then, like now she is so alone. I don’t think she did anything,. One time my mom and I got beaten so bad she and i couldn’t leave the house . They were drinking cheap wine the two of them (parents) heavily then. Hence the Alpo and noodles to eat hehe. Rodney came and saw...went to Kathy dongs house called the police. They did not even show up. I can imagine what he was thinking. Maybe he had a crush or was in love with her...because she was so vulnerable. And me and my little brother. He had lots of reasons. Rich guy from immigrant parents. He bought me a set of classical tapes...gave me his collection...music from the glass harmonica and peter and the wolf were my favorites. And a stereo system he gave my parents with it. Nothing happened from it. He still visited, my dad knew and was shamed a bit i think . It was a important moment. I don’t think it would have been any better. Not my mom, or me, could leave my dad. We loved him too much to betray him. Still do. He s till came and we went places all of us...but he seemed...sad and ashamed. Chinese people i guess don’t do stuff like that.
My dads semi estranged brother and my dads uncle lived close. One time we went to uncle jeanes...wasn’t real nice, but his wife was sweet. He had a bull...i loved that bull. was so interesting. One time i came and asked where he went. He is the shed imp going to slaughter him tomorrow. I cried and begged for the poor thing...my friend. So he didn’t kill him...while i was there. Dad wouldn’t take me back to uncle jeanes after that. thought i wanted to die i was so sad...still am sad about that. poor creature who grazed by the creek and let me pet him. My uncle sometimes we would all go and help him work on his new house in the woods...his little farm on 20 acres. We weren’t welcome. Had us for one thanksgiving after that we were alone. He was a bible beater. So much there with him. I wasn’t allowed to visit because i was a non Christian influence due to being baptized catholic...he was too, but grandma wouldn’t bless his marriage at 17 to the thirty year old >. He killed himself last year. just sucked down a shotgun shell. She told us, my dad asked about the funeral. We were all ready to fly my dad sister brother and momma and i for his funeral. She forgot to tell us about it. Turns out, my dads not being there got him out of uncle jeanes will, who was wealthy and is now pushing 102. Lucky for her. It sucked, uncle Tim came here left us a copy of a purpose driven life. I didn’t read it. We went to the mountains to the falls with my sister while my grandma was dying. Rally talked, i think he saw us a people for the first time. then he went back after some drama after her death (he thought she had more money and he apparently needed it). And killed himself.
As soon as we went to Washington, we moved back. Just wasn’t working. Dad finally lost his shitty job. Grandma, who had been sending money, and shame and berating along with it, had enough. Said we could move in with her. That was a new misery much like my own now. but the end of Washington. So we left.
The irony? My dad has two masters degrees (MFA and Art history) and was teaching college. Apparently, as he discovered 7 years later, he could have been teaching high school on the state program. Was a teacher shortage. They were advertising it on TV. He just never made the connection or noticed it. Hey im qualified and i don’t have to keep at this dead end job being used...nope. he was going to suffer till the world came to its senses, patted him on his back and gave him that vp job he was promised. lol. So like me, my father. If he had thought to look into it. But he never even thought about teaching. None of it had to be the way it was. But for his being more focused on beating his wife and feeling wronged by the universe. The way out...way to a different experience was his to take all along. I tried, but it wasn’t in my power to help them. I just didn’t know what to do, but thought it was my fault. And i guess i decided i would not fail them, and dedicate my life to stopping their pain and my own. Man, oh man. lol.
>