04-06-2014, 12:00 AM
Recently i was broke. I knew it was going to happen, dreamt about it beforehand, worried about it, thought about. I was getting to the point where i didn't even have enough to buy food. A cheque in the post hadn't arrived, again. Things were now getting desperate. I was suffering stress.Then my ex wife sent me a message, marking the 5th anniversary of our break-up, saying how happy she and her new children are, asking about me. I didn't know what to say. Bitterness arose. I didn't respond.
I am at a dance class learning tango and the effect of the previous two events are weighing on me. I hate the dance class to be honest. It is taught in a way that winds me up. I am not fluent in the language it is taught in.Often i don't understand their verbal instruction. I am not confident socially in such settings, I experience anxiety when having to holding women in close embrace, i feel awkward when i am then then meant to lead them to music i have no feeling for. The teacher comes over makes an example of me, ruffles my hair, pinches my cheeks, embarrasses me further and an internal rage takes over that i have to mask. I am choked up inside to the point where i hardly even hear what people are saying to me. One after another they take their turn in showing me variations of footwork that are new to me, that i have no interest in, that i have had no time to learn as i have performing hard labour 3 hrs driving away, dont know because i have had no time for a shower or to eat properly before i arrived here. I am consumed by the feeling that my ex wife has has left me so broken i cant even function. Stolen years of my life, the opportunity for children, almost all i owned, she took.
I am trying to hold a succession of women closely, can feel their breasts pressing into me. All i can say to them in what is left of my French, to try and break the ice before i try and dance with them, is 'i am scared'.
I dont want to be here at all.
I drive an hour back home with my GF sitting beside me. She is furious at me. I am not as good at dancing as she wants. She is frustrated, she slams the door as she walks into the house. I am so numb i actually have nothing i can say. I sit in the car outside the house, and just sit there, and sit there, and sit there.
I don't even know how to move. I feel so far away from things i am hardly in contact with the world. I have retreated deeply, very very deeply, almost gone in fact. I have no clear thoughts, no obvious over riding emotion, i am just gone, a corpse. I don't want to be in the world any longer. Don't want to take part. Don't want to come to the surface and engage with anything. I want to be dead. I have been here before.
It was in fact a perfect storm of circumstance i guess, consecutive lemons that turn up, several triggers at once that overlap, coincide, superimpose. It took me back to a way of being in the world that i shall simply call 'depression'. A mixture of crippling humiliation, crushing defeat, annihilation due to trauma, shame.
3 hrs later my gf comes to the car and insists i come back into the house. I have nothing to say.
On her instruction I go to bed. As i lie next to her she puts one of my arms around her to entice me into an embrace.There is nothing inside my arm, no 'me' present, i am still far far far away. She angrily hurls my arms back in disgust and i feel as if i am just a hollow shell. Nothing matters. I sleep and don't want to wake up. Still have no words.
I actually looked up how to erase my profile here on the site. I sit there looking at it, struggling to understand the words. I don't even have enough energy to perform the action. At several points i having a fleeting notion questioning if i should try and shake the state off, but have no will or sense of self that can even act. There is nothing to even push 'from'.
The state lasted two days at this sort of intensity. As it subsided my mind cycled through numerous explanations such as depression, bi polar, psychologically weak, a failure etc. I tried not to trust them as they arose but the seductive quality of actually having a working mind again, a center that i could think and feel from less numb than the waking death of before, weaved its charm momentarily and i briefly had a love affair with each rationalization. I wonder if these moments of clinging to the first faltering foundations of certainty are merely making psychic scar tissue. Scars i will pick at again later.
The state has gone now, for now, but everything is always shifting. Right now, which is all i actually have, i am vigilant, but everything changes in this sea of awareness.
I am at a dance class learning tango and the effect of the previous two events are weighing on me. I hate the dance class to be honest. It is taught in a way that winds me up. I am not fluent in the language it is taught in.Often i don't understand their verbal instruction. I am not confident socially in such settings, I experience anxiety when having to holding women in close embrace, i feel awkward when i am then then meant to lead them to music i have no feeling for. The teacher comes over makes an example of me, ruffles my hair, pinches my cheeks, embarrasses me further and an internal rage takes over that i have to mask. I am choked up inside to the point where i hardly even hear what people are saying to me. One after another they take their turn in showing me variations of footwork that are new to me, that i have no interest in, that i have had no time to learn as i have performing hard labour 3 hrs driving away, dont know because i have had no time for a shower or to eat properly before i arrived here. I am consumed by the feeling that my ex wife has has left me so broken i cant even function. Stolen years of my life, the opportunity for children, almost all i owned, she took.
I am trying to hold a succession of women closely, can feel their breasts pressing into me. All i can say to them in what is left of my French, to try and break the ice before i try and dance with them, is 'i am scared'.
I dont want to be here at all.
I drive an hour back home with my GF sitting beside me. She is furious at me. I am not as good at dancing as she wants. She is frustrated, she slams the door as she walks into the house. I am so numb i actually have nothing i can say. I sit in the car outside the house, and just sit there, and sit there, and sit there.
I don't even know how to move. I feel so far away from things i am hardly in contact with the world. I have retreated deeply, very very deeply, almost gone in fact. I have no clear thoughts, no obvious over riding emotion, i am just gone, a corpse. I don't want to be in the world any longer. Don't want to take part. Don't want to come to the surface and engage with anything. I want to be dead. I have been here before.
It was in fact a perfect storm of circumstance i guess, consecutive lemons that turn up, several triggers at once that overlap, coincide, superimpose. It took me back to a way of being in the world that i shall simply call 'depression'. A mixture of crippling humiliation, crushing defeat, annihilation due to trauma, shame.
3 hrs later my gf comes to the car and insists i come back into the house. I have nothing to say.
On her instruction I go to bed. As i lie next to her she puts one of my arms around her to entice me into an embrace.There is nothing inside my arm, no 'me' present, i am still far far far away. She angrily hurls my arms back in disgust and i feel as if i am just a hollow shell. Nothing matters. I sleep and don't want to wake up. Still have no words.
I actually looked up how to erase my profile here on the site. I sit there looking at it, struggling to understand the words. I don't even have enough energy to perform the action. At several points i having a fleeting notion questioning if i should try and shake the state off, but have no will or sense of self that can even act. There is nothing to even push 'from'.
The state lasted two days at this sort of intensity. As it subsided my mind cycled through numerous explanations such as depression, bi polar, psychologically weak, a failure etc. I tried not to trust them as they arose but the seductive quality of actually having a working mind again, a center that i could think and feel from less numb than the waking death of before, weaved its charm momentarily and i briefly had a love affair with each rationalization. I wonder if these moments of clinging to the first faltering foundations of certainty are merely making psychic scar tissue. Scars i will pick at again later.
The state has gone now, for now, but everything is always shifting. Right now, which is all i actually have, i am vigilant, but everything changes in this sea of awareness.