03-12-2017, 12:00 AM
I am alone here in the house. Everyone has gone. I have no friends, no family. This culture here is not my native one, the language the same. Its fair to say i am almost cuckoo. I am a bird that is not native to this nest. I remember learning as a child that when you have eaten your boiled egg you must turn it over and smash the bottom of the shell, that way it wont become a home for a witch. I later mused on the notion of witches looking for abandoned shells to inhabit. Something about this still haunts.
I like metaphors. There is a laziness to them that conveys much whilst remaining naive, so i'll carry on self digesting.....
I sometimes find myself looking at sailing boats on ebay. I start with the most expensive ones and fantasise about living that way, setting off across the ocean, sailing off alone. Then i see in many ways i am already doing this, further and further from land, and the reference points have become what exactly? I have swapped a career and family , and the familiar landmarks of civilisation, for stars and a treasure map i found in a book. The last vestiges of the shore are now vanishing and i sometimes succumb to moments of utter panic when i sense the depths around me. People i knew on the shoreline have said i am mad, unstable and a plethora of other well meant adjectives and advice that was proffered to keep me close to the shore, in touch somehow. But having gained at least one steely eye i learned to question certainties, both of others and my own. My mind and its old reference charts are now so convoluted and unfit for purpose that meanings have taken to eating themselves. I know less and less. I question everything to the point where i know nothing anymore. In other moments I am no longer petrified of the solitude. I find myself breathing great sighs of relief here on my own.
Its true, i am lost, 'turned around' they call it in survival situations. So here i am, marking my 'x' on an unfamiliar landscape , far from where i set off, alone. I drink some water, stop, take stock. The urge is to write this message and drop it over the side, hereby marking my position with an x in the otherwise unknown sea in which i find myself. Silence is making everything seem strange today.
Im rambling, bobbing around rudderless, sure. I remember coming here with a question. Thats what i was doing. (Remember yourself.) I just wondered how any of you other sailors , yeah you out here fishing far from shore, i wonder how you relate to other humans these days?
I ask cos I'm kinda lost out here. Not even sure who or what i am anymore. Lost, but the air sure is clear and the sky real pretty, and the ocean, well ..........
I like metaphors. There is a laziness to them that conveys much whilst remaining naive, so i'll carry on self digesting.....
I sometimes find myself looking at sailing boats on ebay. I start with the most expensive ones and fantasise about living that way, setting off across the ocean, sailing off alone. Then i see in many ways i am already doing this, further and further from land, and the reference points have become what exactly? I have swapped a career and family , and the familiar landmarks of civilisation, for stars and a treasure map i found in a book. The last vestiges of the shore are now vanishing and i sometimes succumb to moments of utter panic when i sense the depths around me. People i knew on the shoreline have said i am mad, unstable and a plethora of other well meant adjectives and advice that was proffered to keep me close to the shore, in touch somehow. But having gained at least one steely eye i learned to question certainties, both of others and my own. My mind and its old reference charts are now so convoluted and unfit for purpose that meanings have taken to eating themselves. I know less and less. I question everything to the point where i know nothing anymore. In other moments I am no longer petrified of the solitude. I find myself breathing great sighs of relief here on my own.
Its true, i am lost, 'turned around' they call it in survival situations. So here i am, marking my 'x' on an unfamiliar landscape , far from where i set off, alone. I drink some water, stop, take stock. The urge is to write this message and drop it over the side, hereby marking my position with an x in the otherwise unknown sea in which i find myself. Silence is making everything seem strange today.
Im rambling, bobbing around rudderless, sure. I remember coming here with a question. Thats what i was doing. (Remember yourself.) I just wondered how any of you other sailors , yeah you out here fishing far from shore, i wonder how you relate to other humans these days?
I ask cos I'm kinda lost out here. Not even sure who or what i am anymore. Lost, but the air sure is clear and the sky real pretty, and the ocean, well ..........