12-20-2016, 12:00 AM
The way i dscovered forbearance was fairly lack lustre.back in 1998 (ish) when i was a bit more into partyingi had had a long night amongst lots of tripping and dancing hippiesall of whom were in the midst of various stages of healing and letting go.irresponsibly throwing away energy forms and earlier life abuses on the dance floowa.it was a wild time for accidently picking up that which more hardened heads had thrown to the earth to take away.it seems my will to find a teachning was strong, but also facillitated by some others desire to get rid of their social conditioning..
to cut a long story short..i always was secretly very pleased that when i eventually became sexually mature enough to have sexthat it lasted a long time, that i didnt fancy men or kids or have any rape fantasies. and that i was evidently very sensual ( as well as selfish)my mind was so logicly stable that i would say blaz'e things like " schizophrenics are only like that because they choose to be"basicly anything i didnt empathise with which was in some way negative i would say was the other persons choice (sound familiar?)I realised of course deep down that i was not fully aware of these trials mankind endures and so i set up the intent to learn.
then one fatefull sunday morning , after a long night off my head on drugsmy girlfriend went to the shops to get wine, tobbacco and supplies so we could have a lengthy boozed up sex session and sleepand while she was out her 9 year old daughter came downstairs and satnext to me.all that happened phsicly next was i got an erection.what happened mentally was my entire world collapsedwhat happened emotionally was i became speared on something horrible.because i was so horrified at this glimpse of pedophillic mind, in my rejection of iti further began to tear at other aspects of my inviolate psychethe rape, the homosexuality, the fruedian psychosis of ages.
i became schizophrenic within a matter of days.wheras for the past 22 years i had always loved childen in an easy and heartfelt manneri could no longer open my heart to them, i couldnt even lift them off the ground in play.i couldnt sit in a room with two women without hearing their secret curses against rapistsand feeling every bolt shudder through my chkras, driving me deeper into madness.i had started to ejaculate within minutesand the act itself had become a desperate escape from relating to the outside worldi.e. i was perfectly at peace during penetration..but compared to last months marathons that time was dwindling fast.(SKULLS)
it was really Funking horrible.
i left my girlfriend who i loved dearly because i had become insaneand couldnt pass it off as being stoned or socially insecure as she knew me better than thati couldnt admit to myself i had schizophrenia as in my self i knew it was a challenge to overcome.
FOREBEARANCE- where forebearnace comes into this is one of the desperate plans to survivewas i came up with a sixteen year waiting plan between the birth of a child and the point at which my
sexual energy could connect with themi began to plot it in the MEST of the sorcerers worlda path through time that would get me out of the way of children..not because i was sexually attracted to them ( i have never fantasised about penetrating a child)but because every word they spoke was another cruel strike at my massive hangups.
obviously..as exampleplotting a path through the sorcerers world and intending to do soalso had with it parts of the cures for the rapist curses i was picking up,or the absolutley horrible relationship that had sprung up between me and my mother.picture-any ****--possible and that was me.. for years.. trying to larn to navigate.
with regards sexual maturity.. forebearance startedas a seedling.. with one growth ring..and my decision to see that CIRCLE when it had fifteen more around it. fattening it beyondits current circumference..
the resistence of the tree.the potential of the tree to be a circle that wasnot only expandingbut also could not be countered by any element of me from becoming 16 rings..the bark of which was colliding with my tonal.and so the tree kept on hitting meand kept on funking hitting me.
so basicly forebearance is running into a tree.A LOT.
i am fine now..
to cut a long story short..i always was secretly very pleased that when i eventually became sexually mature enough to have sexthat it lasted a long time, that i didnt fancy men or kids or have any rape fantasies. and that i was evidently very sensual ( as well as selfish)my mind was so logicly stable that i would say blaz'e things like " schizophrenics are only like that because they choose to be"basicly anything i didnt empathise with which was in some way negative i would say was the other persons choice (sound familiar?)I realised of course deep down that i was not fully aware of these trials mankind endures and so i set up the intent to learn.
then one fatefull sunday morning , after a long night off my head on drugsmy girlfriend went to the shops to get wine, tobbacco and supplies so we could have a lengthy boozed up sex session and sleepand while she was out her 9 year old daughter came downstairs and satnext to me.all that happened phsicly next was i got an erection.what happened mentally was my entire world collapsedwhat happened emotionally was i became speared on something horrible.because i was so horrified at this glimpse of pedophillic mind, in my rejection of iti further began to tear at other aspects of my inviolate psychethe rape, the homosexuality, the fruedian psychosis of ages.
i became schizophrenic within a matter of days.wheras for the past 22 years i had always loved childen in an easy and heartfelt manneri could no longer open my heart to them, i couldnt even lift them off the ground in play.i couldnt sit in a room with two women without hearing their secret curses against rapistsand feeling every bolt shudder through my chkras, driving me deeper into madness.i had started to ejaculate within minutesand the act itself had become a desperate escape from relating to the outside worldi.e. i was perfectly at peace during penetration..but compared to last months marathons that time was dwindling fast.(SKULLS)
it was really Funking horrible.
i left my girlfriend who i loved dearly because i had become insaneand couldnt pass it off as being stoned or socially insecure as she knew me better than thati couldnt admit to myself i had schizophrenia as in my self i knew it was a challenge to overcome.
FOREBEARANCE- where forebearnace comes into this is one of the desperate plans to survivewas i came up with a sixteen year waiting plan between the birth of a child and the point at which my
sexual energy could connect with themi began to plot it in the MEST of the sorcerers worlda path through time that would get me out of the way of children..not because i was sexually attracted to them ( i have never fantasised about penetrating a child)but because every word they spoke was another cruel strike at my massive hangups.
obviously..as exampleplotting a path through the sorcerers world and intending to do soalso had with it parts of the cures for the rapist curses i was picking up,or the absolutley horrible relationship that had sprung up between me and my mother.picture-any ****--possible and that was me.. for years.. trying to larn to navigate.
with regards sexual maturity.. forebearance startedas a seedling.. with one growth ring..and my decision to see that CIRCLE when it had fifteen more around it. fattening it beyondits current circumference..
the resistence of the tree.the potential of the tree to be a circle that wasnot only expandingbut also could not be countered by any element of me from becoming 16 rings..the bark of which was colliding with my tonal.and so the tree kept on hitting meand kept on funking hitting me.
so basicly forebearance is running into a tree.A LOT.
i am fine now..