03-24-2011, 12:02 AM
Enchatra stated she was struggling with being authentic in challenging situations, Datura stated that wanting people to like you is self importance, and Alien doesn't seem to see what I am suggesting, so I thought it might help to clarify what I mean.
Being authentic, and not being an invented self, does not mean trying to get someone to like you. Feeling that you are not being liked is an invention that comes from an invented self. The authentic self just is. Also being authentic does not mean trying to bring light or teach anyone anything. It doesn't even mean sharing what you do. One can be ablsolutely silent and still be authentic. However, there are dozens of ways to be silent and not be authentic...like being silent because you feel you are suppose to be...the feeling that you are suppose to be is an invention. This invented self is tricky business.
Here is an example from my life. I can walk into work smiling and someone says to me, "I don't know how you do it, you are always so happy." I say, "I don't take life too seriously, it is just life after all" and smile and walk away. I told them a very real part of my personal philosophy and wasn't fake in the least.
Unfortunately, I don't have any examples of dealing with difficult people like Alien's MIL, but here is how I might have handled a visit. Meeting a new person, I would be curious about that person and probably ask a lot of questions. Where I found similarities, I would probably share that I too enjoy whatever it is. If I found they had good taste in something, I'd probably say that too. Since it is a family member and since gift giving would be expected later on, I'd also been taking mental notes what kinds of things that person likes and what kind of gifts I might be able to get them. Every successive time I saw that person, I'd ask how the various details they had shared were progressing. This seems to be a good formula for getting along with others and is authentic.
However, if I work up in Alien's body and had to deal with this person with the way the relationship is now, I would take serious stock of it and of myself in it. Assuming that I love my spouse, and assuming that my spouse wishes we'd get along better, I would look for ways that I could make that happen. Giving up the fight is one way to go about it, but repairing the damage is another way to address it. I might sit down with her and looking in her eyes and say, "I wanted to talk to you about something. I know that we haven't been getting along very well. I have taken it personally that you feel this way about that thing we were talking about and I just haven't been able to like you since that day. I realize now that I was taking it too personally and I am sorry. I would like it if we were better friends. Family is important to me, and I love your child very much as I know you do too." Something like that anyways.
It is authentic, it is real, it is to the point, and it is honest. But then living authentically yields some amazing and unexpected results...it is not for everyone, only for those who want their freedom. You see, cringing everytime you visit this person that is not freedom.
I get that everyone gets into difficult situations sometimes, but if you look you will find that the root of the difficulty stems from your own transgression from what is really in your heart, from being authentic. If you can find the transgression and repair it the relationship usually repairs itself as well.
Being authentic, and not being an invented self, does not mean trying to get someone to like you. Feeling that you are not being liked is an invention that comes from an invented self. The authentic self just is. Also being authentic does not mean trying to bring light or teach anyone anything. It doesn't even mean sharing what you do. One can be ablsolutely silent and still be authentic. However, there are dozens of ways to be silent and not be authentic...like being silent because you feel you are suppose to be...the feeling that you are suppose to be is an invention. This invented self is tricky business.
Here is an example from my life. I can walk into work smiling and someone says to me, "I don't know how you do it, you are always so happy." I say, "I don't take life too seriously, it is just life after all" and smile and walk away. I told them a very real part of my personal philosophy and wasn't fake in the least.
Unfortunately, I don't have any examples of dealing with difficult people like Alien's MIL, but here is how I might have handled a visit. Meeting a new person, I would be curious about that person and probably ask a lot of questions. Where I found similarities, I would probably share that I too enjoy whatever it is. If I found they had good taste in something, I'd probably say that too. Since it is a family member and since gift giving would be expected later on, I'd also been taking mental notes what kinds of things that person likes and what kind of gifts I might be able to get them. Every successive time I saw that person, I'd ask how the various details they had shared were progressing. This seems to be a good formula for getting along with others and is authentic.
However, if I work up in Alien's body and had to deal with this person with the way the relationship is now, I would take serious stock of it and of myself in it. Assuming that I love my spouse, and assuming that my spouse wishes we'd get along better, I would look for ways that I could make that happen. Giving up the fight is one way to go about it, but repairing the damage is another way to address it. I might sit down with her and looking in her eyes and say, "I wanted to talk to you about something. I know that we haven't been getting along very well. I have taken it personally that you feel this way about that thing we were talking about and I just haven't been able to like you since that day. I realize now that I was taking it too personally and I am sorry. I would like it if we were better friends. Family is important to me, and I love your child very much as I know you do too." Something like that anyways.
It is authentic, it is real, it is to the point, and it is honest. But then living authentically yields some amazing and unexpected results...it is not for everyone, only for those who want their freedom. You see, cringing everytime you visit this person that is not freedom.
I get that everyone gets into difficult situations sometimes, but if you look you will find that the root of the difficulty stems from your own transgression from what is really in your heart, from being authentic. If you can find the transgression and repair it the relationship usually repairs itself as well.