08-10-2018, 12:00 AM
watergaze wrote:
thnx for the inspiration Pixie
change in itself is not painful...
But coming out of something bad and hurtful we are not whole and often times it is only after the bad experience, once we are out of it, that we can actually feel its consequences, that we have the 'luxury' to go into it (and ofc to start healing) - this is why it is not uncommon to have most pain after painful experiences. It is a different kind of pain than the pain experienced during the bad thing itself. This different kind of pain is more hm existential. One needs to come to terms with what happened and heal. The pain is a pointer and trigger for this to start happening.
So, this impetus to recapitulate for the collective has been brought to bear. All these visions outlining the possibility....templates within which awareness can spread/move within. That's all nice. Looks good on paper. What about the actual doing it.
Well, I decided to just go for it. What the hell. Silence this a.m. gathers momentum and I see the template (twin circles overlapping with interconnected nodes, shared and otherwise). And then......it happens. My recapitulating eye dilates and this massive wave of energy moves in, causing my body....like, each individual cell, it felt as if.....to vibrate. Waves of pain......or, not quite pain....more like grief.....or longing. "Existential pain" is a good word...it didn't feel personal. And thus, not unbearable....well....bearably not unbearable
Wave after wave after wave.....I'm trying to process this feeling/experience and I'm suddenly taken to the front lawn of my house when I was like 7-8 yrs old. The colors, images are super intense.....super real....yet not real. I turn to my left and am instantly taken to my friend's house down the street 2 blocks away. Julian V. Me, him and 2 other kids on that street were like a little clan....hanging together daily....bickering with one another. I remember arguing with Julian about who would win in a fight.....triceratops or tyrannosaurus rex. In his basement/rec room. Then I see his father coming down stairs. Then.....something in me moves into Julian. His ambient apprehension.....directed at his dad. His dad's constant verbal haranguing....verbal abuse. Emotional abuse from an angry, frustrated man. I'm in it.....feeling it. Breathing with the recapitulation pass, back and forth....that feeling of those waves of longing coursing through me. Not fun......
I remember, years ago, Ska Pastora (salvia) introducing me to this state suddenly and shockingly, shredding me into accordion strips and stretching me out, through the bed...the floor....the earth.....dipping down....over and then up like a streaming tube of clear awareness. My awareness emerged, liquid and formless, into a car across the street with two 20 something females sitting in it. They had the passenger window rolled down and were talking to an Hispanic guy (could have been any guy, please understand) who was leaning down onto the open window. His aggression.....caged violence. The girls felt it......I felt it....I was the girls.....I was the guy....the car....the street....the formless tube beneath the street...and me back in bed. And, in feeling the shock of that aggression and their reaction....I recoiled and tried to race back up the down escalator of my accordioned awareness. Fear.....recoil.....get the hell out of there! In my panic, I felt this being swoop up from the depths of the sea of darkness below the tube.....and lick my back. It was absolutely horrifying (at the time ) Sheer desperation had me swim upstream back into my reclining body and I got up walking around my apartment, sweating blood practically.....literally drenched in sweat.
I know I was overreacting to something I wasn't ready for. Not enough of the objective over view....but still. I wonder what I'm signing up for?
thnx for the inspiration Pixie
change in itself is not painful...
But coming out of something bad and hurtful we are not whole and often times it is only after the bad experience, once we are out of it, that we can actually feel its consequences, that we have the 'luxury' to go into it (and ofc to start healing) - this is why it is not uncommon to have most pain after painful experiences. It is a different kind of pain than the pain experienced during the bad thing itself. This different kind of pain is more hm existential. One needs to come to terms with what happened and heal. The pain is a pointer and trigger for this to start happening.
So, this impetus to recapitulate for the collective has been brought to bear. All these visions outlining the possibility....templates within which awareness can spread/move within. That's all nice. Looks good on paper. What about the actual doing it.
Well, I decided to just go for it. What the hell. Silence this a.m. gathers momentum and I see the template (twin circles overlapping with interconnected nodes, shared and otherwise). And then......it happens. My recapitulating eye dilates and this massive wave of energy moves in, causing my body....like, each individual cell, it felt as if.....to vibrate. Waves of pain......or, not quite pain....more like grief.....or longing. "Existential pain" is a good word...it didn't feel personal. And thus, not unbearable....well....bearably not unbearable
Wave after wave after wave.....I'm trying to process this feeling/experience and I'm suddenly taken to the front lawn of my house when I was like 7-8 yrs old. The colors, images are super intense.....super real....yet not real. I turn to my left and am instantly taken to my friend's house down the street 2 blocks away. Julian V. Me, him and 2 other kids on that street were like a little clan....hanging together daily....bickering with one another. I remember arguing with Julian about who would win in a fight.....triceratops or tyrannosaurus rex. In his basement/rec room. Then I see his father coming down stairs. Then.....something in me moves into Julian. His ambient apprehension.....directed at his dad. His dad's constant verbal haranguing....verbal abuse. Emotional abuse from an angry, frustrated man. I'm in it.....feeling it. Breathing with the recapitulation pass, back and forth....that feeling of those waves of longing coursing through me. Not fun......I remember, years ago, Ska Pastora (salvia) introducing me to this state suddenly and shockingly, shredding me into accordion strips and stretching me out, through the bed...the floor....the earth.....dipping down....over and then up like a streaming tube of clear awareness. My awareness emerged, liquid and formless, into a car across the street with two 20 something females sitting in it. They had the passenger window rolled down and were talking to an Hispanic guy (could have been any guy, please understand) who was leaning down onto the open window. His aggression.....caged violence. The girls felt it......I felt it....I was the girls.....I was the guy....the car....the street....the formless tube beneath the street...and me back in bed. And, in feeling the shock of that aggression and their reaction....I recoiled and tried to race back up the down escalator of my accordioned awareness. Fear.....recoil.....get the hell out of there! In my panic, I felt this being swoop up from the depths of the sea of darkness below the tube.....and lick my back. It was absolutely horrifying (at the time
) Sheer desperation had me swim upstream back into my reclining body and I got up walking around my apartment, sweating blood practically.....literally drenched in sweat. I know I was overreacting to something I wasn't ready for. Not enough of the objective over view....but still. I wonder what I'm signing up for?