07-29-2011, 12:00 AM
Last night and this morning i had a very upsetting experience relating to the subject of time.
My ex wife turned up in my dream and we started to have an argument that was three years old. This was so real i had no idea it was a dream until i woke up.
I woke up from this in the same physical place i went to sleep, but in a different former version of me from three years before.
My shock of finding myself back in this place was so extreme that i was terrified to go back to sleep.
The sense of loss and despair i felt at the level of the double was nearly too much to bear. To suddenly find myself immersed in despair depression and suicidal thoughts again was beyond words.
To give anyone reading this an idea of the feeling I will point out that three years ago i was living in a stone ruin, in a foreign country, burning furniture to stay warm when it was 11 below outside. When i could face it i shared food with a cat. I had zero money. I was so depressed it would take me 3-4 hours to summon the willpower to ove 10 feet across the room to wash myself. Most days felt 50/50 wether i would actually make it to the end of the day alive.
This was the feeling i had again on waking.
I knew had woken up in a different version of 'me' and it felt wrong. I could just about remember who i was meant to be and the difference between the two was felt as a sensation in front of my body, a gap that was slightly more open than normal. I instantly had the thought that i was dying and I was desperate to return to normal.
I woke up fully, got out of bed and walked down stairs, then made tea, all the while trying to bring back the feeling of who it was that went to sleep the night before. It took nearly an hour and a half to feel safe enough to shut my eyes again and try to sleep more.
I dont remember falling asleep. I do remember waking up for the second time that morning, this time as who i am now.
Sometimes the stalkers experience is downright shattering.
My ex wife turned up in my dream and we started to have an argument that was three years old. This was so real i had no idea it was a dream until i woke up.
I woke up from this in the same physical place i went to sleep, but in a different former version of me from three years before.
My shock of finding myself back in this place was so extreme that i was terrified to go back to sleep.
The sense of loss and despair i felt at the level of the double was nearly too much to bear. To suddenly find myself immersed in despair depression and suicidal thoughts again was beyond words.
To give anyone reading this an idea of the feeling I will point out that three years ago i was living in a stone ruin, in a foreign country, burning furniture to stay warm when it was 11 below outside. When i could face it i shared food with a cat. I had zero money. I was so depressed it would take me 3-4 hours to summon the willpower to ove 10 feet across the room to wash myself. Most days felt 50/50 wether i would actually make it to the end of the day alive.
This was the feeling i had again on waking.
I knew had woken up in a different version of 'me' and it felt wrong. I could just about remember who i was meant to be and the difference between the two was felt as a sensation in front of my body, a gap that was slightly more open than normal. I instantly had the thought that i was dying and I was desperate to return to normal.
I woke up fully, got out of bed and walked down stairs, then made tea, all the while trying to bring back the feeling of who it was that went to sleep the night before. It took nearly an hour and a half to feel safe enough to shut my eyes again and try to sleep more.
I dont remember falling asleep. I do remember waking up for the second time that morning, this time as who i am now.
Sometimes the stalkers experience is downright shattering.