07-21-2005, 12:00 AM
Well, I wondered about the response I got here from ReRavel, about honestly looking at the 'semi-useless rot of a human' aspect of what I've become.
Of course there was the aspect which was the reflection of this person upon reading my words, that something I'd said had triggered off such a response.
I really don't feel I'm 'semi-useless', nor rotten either, and that's being honest. Both our sons have grown up since I began my sojourn as 'Carlitos Crow' on the Internet, and clearly they no longer are in need of a father figure in their own personal affairs of daily living. There's no acrimony between any of us now, but of course they and my ex-wife are all employed full-time at regular nine-to-five jobs now, and so have not much time at all for socializing or hanging out with their dad, or ex-husband. Of course I still do get called to make repairs to faulty appliances or for installations of new ones, or asked to measure a wall and build a bookcase to fit. And I'm delighted to do these things, much more now than ever I was before, which I know is a bit strange, but hey, I still feel strong feelings of devotion to my family, and I don't think they will do anything but deepen still more over the remaining years of my life.
I spend much of my time alone these days, and I tend to go with the flow of whatever I'm feeling, unless it's crappy, and then I have things I can do to dispell those 'rotten moods', and so I use them to my good advantage and can get things acomplished while returning to my better self. I still refuse to seek regular employment of any kind, and I've gotten pretty good at surviving without it. But in a pinch I s'pose I could put in a few weeks as a carpenter or something and earn about a thousand dollars a week, which for many people is surely a dream and nothing more. It's nice to feel so capable, and there's no need to prove it to anyone, really. Folks that know me know I am so capable, and if anything they may wonder why I do not just get out there and make 'good money' puttin' in a good day for some developer or sub-contractor. And I admit that I sometimes wonder that myself, but that's when I'm in a crappy mood anyway, and as I say, I have things I can do to snap out of those ones, and then the thought of workin' for a wage just seems idiotic.
You know I'd appreciate it if you could tell me specifically just what makes you see me as this 'semi-useless rot of a human', and we might examine this a bit more thoughtfully together.
Of course there was the aspect which was the reflection of this person upon reading my words, that something I'd said had triggered off such a response.
I really don't feel I'm 'semi-useless', nor rotten either, and that's being honest. Both our sons have grown up since I began my sojourn as 'Carlitos Crow' on the Internet, and clearly they no longer are in need of a father figure in their own personal affairs of daily living. There's no acrimony between any of us now, but of course they and my ex-wife are all employed full-time at regular nine-to-five jobs now, and so have not much time at all for socializing or hanging out with their dad, or ex-husband. Of course I still do get called to make repairs to faulty appliances or for installations of new ones, or asked to measure a wall and build a bookcase to fit. And I'm delighted to do these things, much more now than ever I was before, which I know is a bit strange, but hey, I still feel strong feelings of devotion to my family, and I don't think they will do anything but deepen still more over the remaining years of my life.
I spend much of my time alone these days, and I tend to go with the flow of whatever I'm feeling, unless it's crappy, and then I have things I can do to dispell those 'rotten moods', and so I use them to my good advantage and can get things acomplished while returning to my better self. I still refuse to seek regular employment of any kind, and I've gotten pretty good at surviving without it. But in a pinch I s'pose I could put in a few weeks as a carpenter or something and earn about a thousand dollars a week, which for many people is surely a dream and nothing more. It's nice to feel so capable, and there's no need to prove it to anyone, really. Folks that know me know I am so capable, and if anything they may wonder why I do not just get out there and make 'good money' puttin' in a good day for some developer or sub-contractor. And I admit that I sometimes wonder that myself, but that's when I'm in a crappy mood anyway, and as I say, I have things I can do to snap out of those ones, and then the thought of workin' for a wage just seems idiotic.
You know I'd appreciate it if you could tell me specifically just what makes you see me as this 'semi-useless rot of a human', and we might examine this a bit more thoughtfully together.