recapitulation question

[Guest]

I havent recapulated much but other night I was trying to do some recaping, and I felt real... sad heh. I mean I looked at myself and all I've done and I'm like I havent done anything useful all my life type of feeling. I felt... stuck. Whenever I look back I dont get any happy feelings from all the fun good times. I watched myself getting no kind of feelings just thoughts and comments, mixed with a feeling im not sure of after I was done. During all this it was like there was a lot of space around me even tho im in a little rooom, everything seemed so much more real in depth with a touch of fogginess to it, i felt like I could break the chain of my habitual actions and it made me feel real open cept I was sad and mad at the same time which turned to hopelessness cuz what am I to do with this self realization? Am I going to change how I act, is this going to make my life seem more clear? I was filled with a sense to go out and do something , i felt restless, but I still couldnt... im stuck, I had all these ideas and dreams of what I want to do and such but despair was right on the borders of it. I felt more down to earth that night that it was harder to believe in all this but it strengthened it all also cuz I felt more real so sad yet aggressive.
There was a sense of no time, just layers of scenes upon one another like it was all happening at the same time. What happens after youve found out about yourself? I feel fake and when I go out and be with people nothing changed...everything is the same cept that it all doesnt matter so much... so why do I keep the hiding myself behind this fake shroud? lol whats wrong with me gawd! I want to move to the hills and dissapear yet i want to bring the world with me argh. I want to get away but I cant stand being alone. Silence is a killer my only companion.