01-02-2004, 12:00 AM
How do you find a behavior thats alien to the core self? If I had a FI since early childhood, and been living, seeing, acting, the way I do since then, and think I do this and that becuz thats me, becuz thats how I've always been. How would I know the alien behavior? If everything I like to do is becuz some FI is making me think I like it...
its just confusing, wondering if this is me, if I'm the one in control right now.
Maybe I should act think do things alien, to make it alien to the alien...LOL! I wonder if an FI can be as confused as you can be. I suppose they cant be since they can only be what they are.
I thought I saw something in my minds eye other day, I was feeling funny that night. But in clear color and all I saw... I dont know if it was an FI a man or a woman or what. Kinda looked like both. Its color and eye what got me wondering about it. It was a goldish brown, kinda like a tan color. The eyes... it had some really bright red eyes with no white, I wont forget that. It had long black hair..I think or a dark purple. Even the scenery...was wierd, it was bright. The way it looked at me in my imagination was a look of surprise. It started crouching, and I lost it, my mind wandered.
Oh i forgot to mention, that same night I was seeing many bright lights flashing in my minds eyes, blinding but not. I still have one eye bloodshot and one not and shiny, one sticky and other more open... what happend? Probably nothing.
You know those times, when your out with friends etc and they want to go do something and you want to go with them and do it, to not feel left out ...peer pressure, and at same time ur like maan, i dont want to do this, I'll get in trouble, I'm scared to.
Is that like a battle with ur FI?
But at same time, "I'll get in trouble". is that from the core self? I mean if it was to smoke some green, and u were caught yeah ud get in trouble, its what society says. But to me, I dont know about everyone else, it isnt as bad as the public says it is to be.
You think he was influenced by the peoples FI and society's born raised FI? Like they both pulling him differ ways or something, and plus his own self.
Or if its something more serious and ur like thats wrong. How would you know it would be wrong if its from urself thats had an FI all along? Like being programmed by everyone who also has FI's, but u dont know it, u were raised to think that so the pull that its wrong is right and strong.
same with whats right
Yeah some things u should know. But still, many things within society who truly does? Its funny, they got money for wars but cant feed the poor.
Say their aint no hope for the youth when the truth is, it seems there aint no hope for the future
sigh..
Maybe thats part why I like to be alone, solitary, indifferent at times, even tho it seems it hurts my heart more. Dont necesarily have to be alone, I can be in a crowd with friends and still feel far away. And then I wonder where all the time went. I was never really there, Damn. I still say F it all, F the world its like a curse yet I care deeply, and I'm my own cure. Things are crazy.
Its like a feeling me against the world, find things more on my own and still try not to step on anyone elses toes, & follow the rules. I guess, the FI's like the confusion, keeps us lost, and easy meat. Unless they can get lost and confused, becuz u are lost and confused, wondering and searching what YOOOOOUUU believe is you and true. And they wonder what to do, afraid to be spotted, so their influence and pulls become much harder. Its like the rain will never let up. But still..I got to keep my head up, and still keep from getting wet up. Its like we aint meant to shine and survive cuz its a set up.
But sure enuff my own decision is my own and I'll take the responsibility as long as I dont regret it. Even if I was punished. But at the same time most of the time to not regret it is to not get punished for it. There r exceptions.
its just confusing, wondering if this is me, if I'm the one in control right now.
Maybe I should act think do things alien, to make it alien to the alien...LOL! I wonder if an FI can be as confused as you can be. I suppose they cant be since they can only be what they are.
I thought I saw something in my minds eye other day, I was feeling funny that night. But in clear color and all I saw... I dont know if it was an FI a man or a woman or what. Kinda looked like both. Its color and eye what got me wondering about it. It was a goldish brown, kinda like a tan color. The eyes... it had some really bright red eyes with no white, I wont forget that. It had long black hair..I think or a dark purple. Even the scenery...was wierd, it was bright. The way it looked at me in my imagination was a look of surprise. It started crouching, and I lost it, my mind wandered.
Oh i forgot to mention, that same night I was seeing many bright lights flashing in my minds eyes, blinding but not. I still have one eye bloodshot and one not and shiny, one sticky and other more open... what happend? Probably nothing.
You know those times, when your out with friends etc and they want to go do something and you want to go with them and do it, to not feel left out ...peer pressure, and at same time ur like maan, i dont want to do this, I'll get in trouble, I'm scared to.
Is that like a battle with ur FI?
But at same time, "I'll get in trouble". is that from the core self? I mean if it was to smoke some green, and u were caught yeah ud get in trouble, its what society says. But to me, I dont know about everyone else, it isnt as bad as the public says it is to be.
You think he was influenced by the peoples FI and society's born raised FI? Like they both pulling him differ ways or something, and plus his own self.
Or if its something more serious and ur like thats wrong. How would you know it would be wrong if its from urself thats had an FI all along? Like being programmed by everyone who also has FI's, but u dont know it, u were raised to think that so the pull that its wrong is right and strong.
same with whats right
Yeah some things u should know. But still, many things within society who truly does? Its funny, they got money for wars but cant feed the poor.
Say their aint no hope for the youth when the truth is, it seems there aint no hope for the future
sigh..
Maybe thats part why I like to be alone, solitary, indifferent at times, even tho it seems it hurts my heart more. Dont necesarily have to be alone, I can be in a crowd with friends and still feel far away. And then I wonder where all the time went. I was never really there, Damn. I still say F it all, F the world its like a curse yet I care deeply, and I'm my own cure. Things are crazy.
Its like a feeling me against the world, find things more on my own and still try not to step on anyone elses toes, & follow the rules. I guess, the FI's like the confusion, keeps us lost, and easy meat. Unless they can get lost and confused, becuz u are lost and confused, wondering and searching what YOOOOOUUU believe is you and true. And they wonder what to do, afraid to be spotted, so their influence and pulls become much harder. Its like the rain will never let up. But still..I got to keep my head up, and still keep from getting wet up. Its like we aint meant to shine and survive cuz its a set up.
But sure enuff my own decision is my own and I'll take the responsibility as long as I dont regret it. Even if I was punished. But at the same time most of the time to not regret it is to not get punished for it. There r exceptions.