07-06-2010, 12:00 AM
About five years ago.. i was in a battle with a "team" of magicians..
they had much sobriety and quickness of mind..
and were for all my honour destroying me day by day.. a bit at a time...
there was no way i could win where i was..
they had sickened minds that could see levels of emotional and psychic hurt i would never think of.. as i am love based...
consequently.. i could not defend myself or my emotional state...
its like i was blindfolded by my good intent..
while they just chipped away at that i refused to see!
I resolved that there was only one place on earth i could escape them...
If i travelled to the edge of fear.. to a place they for all their sickness of mind were still afraid to tread..
then i could centralise my power in that arena..
and as their footsteps would never be able to follow mine.. they would not be able to effect my awarness..
so i resolved to create the maze of fear!
So i collected what money i had.. and set out to go and find some place they could not follow...
and essentially found the woman i had lost my virginity to...
and broke off from her toward the underworld...
I began to live on the streets as best i could, and refused to sleep for days...
after three days without sleep and constantly walking.. i moved into a second state of awarness..
and decided to see if i could be murdered as a joke...
I went to london on the train.. with the resolution of dying under a bridge...
i went to the london underground and was sorounded by green snakely shadows in the people i met..
as well as cartoon people.. and sorcereric bodies of potential..
it was like a calculated suicide..
i stood at the top of the escalator and resolved.. To CUT myself from the controls of my life..
and sever myself toward a death...
I then saw a vision of about twenty days.. decscending into a final oblivion...
i toyed with the idea of locking myself inside my mind..
and sending my body onward like a robot..unable to change direction..
a sort of self hypnosis...
I saw murdered spirits..
and spirits who told me where i could be killed if i stayed seated...or slept ..
and everytime i saw them .. my energy body and mind writhed and screamed to get away...
before they chased me into the canal..
or forced me off a building..
It was insanity itself..
on the day i finally decided to die. ceaselessly..
i saw how pointless it would be..
and decided to die a bit slower and study the process of death!
giving me the element of time to study as well!
it is quite apparent that i did not fail my fear challenge..
had i taken one step further off the edge of life..
i would have been dead.. for certain...
certain death when contemplating a jump from a tall tree.. which will take about six seconds...
and certain death which will take twentydays...
are two distinctly different feelings...
No going back..
although certain death over seventy years is quite a nice prospect..
but only because everyone does it!
they had much sobriety and quickness of mind..
and were for all my honour destroying me day by day.. a bit at a time...
there was no way i could win where i was..
they had sickened minds that could see levels of emotional and psychic hurt i would never think of.. as i am love based...
consequently.. i could not defend myself or my emotional state...
its like i was blindfolded by my good intent..
while they just chipped away at that i refused to see!
I resolved that there was only one place on earth i could escape them...
If i travelled to the edge of fear.. to a place they for all their sickness of mind were still afraid to tread..
then i could centralise my power in that arena..
and as their footsteps would never be able to follow mine.. they would not be able to effect my awarness..
so i resolved to create the maze of fear!
So i collected what money i had.. and set out to go and find some place they could not follow...
and essentially found the woman i had lost my virginity to...
and broke off from her toward the underworld...
I began to live on the streets as best i could, and refused to sleep for days...
after three days without sleep and constantly walking.. i moved into a second state of awarness..
and decided to see if i could be murdered as a joke...
I went to london on the train.. with the resolution of dying under a bridge...
i went to the london underground and was sorounded by green snakely shadows in the people i met..
as well as cartoon people.. and sorcereric bodies of potential..
it was like a calculated suicide..
i stood at the top of the escalator and resolved.. To CUT myself from the controls of my life..
and sever myself toward a death...
I then saw a vision of about twenty days.. decscending into a final oblivion...
i toyed with the idea of locking myself inside my mind..
and sending my body onward like a robot..unable to change direction..
a sort of self hypnosis...
I saw murdered spirits..
and spirits who told me where i could be killed if i stayed seated...or slept ..
and everytime i saw them .. my energy body and mind writhed and screamed to get away...
before they chased me into the canal..
or forced me off a building..
It was insanity itself..
on the day i finally decided to die. ceaselessly..
i saw how pointless it would be..
and decided to die a bit slower and study the process of death!
giving me the element of time to study as well!
it is quite apparent that i did not fail my fear challenge..
had i taken one step further off the edge of life..
i would have been dead.. for certain...
certain death when contemplating a jump from a tall tree.. which will take about six seconds...
and certain death which will take twentydays...
are two distinctly different feelings...
No going back..
although certain death over seventy years is quite a nice prospect..
but only because everyone does it!