07-20-2018, 12:00 AM
To truly understand unconditional love I think it's easiest to start by looking at it's opposite. That is conditional love. Most, if not all of us were raised to love others conditionally. We've been taught to only love people who are following a certain set of rules.
It's kind of interesting how the real point of this is to put restrictions on other's behavior, (because this assumes they want our love and will follow the rules to get it), but in effect we're only restricting ourselves. I think Michael Jackson makes for a good example here.
Just in case anyone doesn't know who he was... Michael Jackson was a beloved singing sensation who was admired as much if not more for his amazing break dancing moves as he was for his music. Also, he was known as a philanthropist who gave a lot to children's charities and encouraged others to do so as well. Then he was accused of pedophilia by several different families. The way the story was reported made him look guilty to much of the public. Worst of all were Michael's statements in his own defense where he would admit having slept in the same bed with other people's children but repeatedly said "it was loving" and just called people who didn't think so "ignorant".
This situation was a big deal for a lot of people. Many stopped listening to his music altogether, wanting nothing to do with a man whom although never convicted in court was clearly guilty of pedophilia in their own minds. Others refused to believe he'd done it. The man they loved so much couldn't be guilty of such a crime, and they were going to believe that no matter what.
Oddly enough, it seems the majority of the public actually got it right. It's fine to love him for his music, dancing, charity work, or whatever else while still not approving of the crimes he probably did commit.
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The other weird thing about conditional love is that sometimes there's a question of whether or not the conditions have been or will be met. What happens during that time? For example, if Shirley loves Ramone provided he doesn't eat all the cocoa puffs before she wakes up.... how does she know how to feel about him during the night? She doesn't yet know if he'll do that. He promised he won't, but he's done it before. He did apologize but still! So... before Ramone gets up and goes into the kitchen to pick a box of cereal to make for himself, how does she feel?
This reminds me a bit of something I observed in people who place too much emphasis on winning. They can be watching a baseball game between their favorite team and some other team, it can be 12 to 12 going into the 9th inning, and 10 minutes later they'll be declaring it as either the best or worst game of the season depending on what happens next. Well what about now? Are you enjoying the game now? I suspect the slightly more aware ones, if they were honest, would answer "I don't know. I have to find out how the game ends before I'll know how much I'm enjoying it now."
So my solution, (which may or may not be the bestest one for anyone else), is to avoid putting conditions like that on me and just check how I feel about stuff. If I feel an emotion towards someone or something than I'll freely feel that emotion to them/that. I'm not going to try to create rules for when I should/shouldn't feel whatever and then try to force myself to follow them. If it's a particularly strong or unusual emotion I'll likely try to learn from it, but I'm not going to be condemning or praising myself for when my emotions occur. It's less restricting for me to use this approach than the conditional emotions I/we were taught growing up.
It's kind of interesting how the real point of this is to put restrictions on other's behavior, (because this assumes they want our love and will follow the rules to get it), but in effect we're only restricting ourselves. I think Michael Jackson makes for a good example here.
Just in case anyone doesn't know who he was... Michael Jackson was a beloved singing sensation who was admired as much if not more for his amazing break dancing moves as he was for his music. Also, he was known as a philanthropist who gave a lot to children's charities and encouraged others to do so as well. Then he was accused of pedophilia by several different families. The way the story was reported made him look guilty to much of the public. Worst of all were Michael's statements in his own defense where he would admit having slept in the same bed with other people's children but repeatedly said "it was loving" and just called people who didn't think so "ignorant".
This situation was a big deal for a lot of people. Many stopped listening to his music altogether, wanting nothing to do with a man whom although never convicted in court was clearly guilty of pedophilia in their own minds. Others refused to believe he'd done it. The man they loved so much couldn't be guilty of such a crime, and they were going to believe that no matter what.
Oddly enough, it seems the majority of the public actually got it right. It's fine to love him for his music, dancing, charity work, or whatever else while still not approving of the crimes he probably did commit.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The other weird thing about conditional love is that sometimes there's a question of whether or not the conditions have been or will be met. What happens during that time? For example, if Shirley loves Ramone provided he doesn't eat all the cocoa puffs before she wakes up.... how does she know how to feel about him during the night? She doesn't yet know if he'll do that. He promised he won't, but he's done it before. He did apologize but still! So... before Ramone gets up and goes into the kitchen to pick a box of cereal to make for himself, how does she feel?
This reminds me a bit of something I observed in people who place too much emphasis on winning. They can be watching a baseball game between their favorite team and some other team, it can be 12 to 12 going into the 9th inning, and 10 minutes later they'll be declaring it as either the best or worst game of the season depending on what happens next. Well what about now? Are you enjoying the game now? I suspect the slightly more aware ones, if they were honest, would answer "I don't know. I have to find out how the game ends before I'll know how much I'm enjoying it now."
So my solution, (which may or may not be the bestest one for anyone else), is to avoid putting conditions like that on me and just check how I feel about stuff. If I feel an emotion towards someone or something than I'll freely feel that emotion to them/that. I'm not going to try to create rules for when I should/shouldn't feel whatever and then try to force myself to follow them. If it's a particularly strong or unusual emotion I'll likely try to learn from it, but I'm not going to be condemning or praising myself for when my emotions occur. It's less restricting for me to use this approach than the conditional emotions I/we were taught growing up.