Power and clarity balance

[Tryingclown]

I realize I atract knowledge/power and it's frightening. I think I lack clarity to handle the power. I think this has to do with the fact I praticed the not-doing of writing and drawing all these years. I do have some clarity now but I wonder If my path is that rocky and that makes me tremble. I have anxiety attacks sometimes. Just being on the street and suddenly feel very anxious without knowing why and running back home and take a shower. But maybe it's just a phase but does anyone have any suggestions to make things more balanced?
I really think my perception is powerfull but lacks clarity. Everything seems to weigh too much.

[Tryingclown]

I have power and it is unbalanced. I just massaged my mom's feet to help. I guess my hands do talk and they have a lot to say. I think I have to keep my attention busy around my hands. Just looking at them gives me a feeling of clarity.

[Tryingclown]

how can I calm my hands? they atract power and war

[Tryingclown]

I was a fool to train the second attention. Now what? My perception is very belligerent, very much war-oriented.

[Tryingclown]

Feels like grey times are coming ahead

[Tryingclown]

Now I do feel I have a problem. It has to do with judgements and I seem to have a black cloud always around my mind that only gives fear, anxiety and troubled times.
how do I purify that aspect? I feel indeed a side of despair that can drag me down!

[Tryingclown]

every time I trained the second attention, I did it in secret. Because of that, I have a suspicious character. I noticed how I look at the world with suspicious mind.

[Tryingclown]

gee... looking out for me

[glance left]

What about engaging inner silence, looking inward and asking any/all of the questions of your inner seer?  There's something deep within us, deep in our silence, which knows what is what....and knows exactly how to proceed.  It cuts through the ****, so to speak, and can address each perceived issue with concise clarity.  It's the source of clarity, IMO.  All I have to do is relax...detach....sustain silence...and find that inner voice.  Once its touched upon, that's it.  No more excuses for flailing around (unless I'm just keen on indulging), because I know the source of clear direction which follows me around wherever I go   Once it is touched upon, then I know the difference between the confusing, distorting, fluctuating impulses that come from the internal dialog....and the clear and precise impulse that comes from the internal seer, which "lives" in my connecting link with intent.  Then, what I need to do and where I need to go becomes simplicity itself (sorry for bold face type....it just started all by itself!)

[serloco]

Tryingclown wrote:
Now I do feel I have a problem. It has to do with judgements and I seem to have a black cloud always around my mind that only gives fear, anxiety and troubled times.
how do I purify that aspect? I feel indeed a side of despair that can drag me down!

Well now the mind is a set of pathways habitually set in order. Formed over time. You must be aware, alert, and quick. You must rehabituate yourself. Control your own mind. Its that simple. You either run in the same automatic circles youve been following or you set new pathways. Be aware of your triggers, cath yoru thought processes before they take these patterns. Redirect the focus of your attention. It takes some time but you will catch on and be able to stop the cycle and reform new directions.

[Tryingclown]

there is an aspect of my person that is powerful. I seem to attract power situations. Right now my bedroom looks golden. I hope I have not offended some kind of spirit.
last night I had to go to the sofa on the next divison, which feels less powerful and therefore more comfortable. It really has to do with the night. I take it more easily outside my bedroom or if Im not returning to it, because I just feel power in my life.
*.*

[Le_Regard]

First of all, I am not you, so this may not be great advice, but if I were you I'd try expressing the visions as poetry instead of as fact based reports of what is happening to you.

[Tryingclown]

that is some good advice, le_regard. a month has passed and I'm doing great. These previous posts of mine were just fear-talk. no big-deal. I don't freak out so much now, I think.
poetry.. 
a huge moth crossed my path at night and went for a field in the semi-dark.
I only went to sleep in the morning, but not before I said to a man and woman at a cafe that the day seemed sad. the man said: "what are you talking about?". the woman quickly said "yeah, it is sad" she was smiling and I felt empathy for women. she seemed to have said that not because she believed in that, not because she believed in that...
I thought I couldn't learn from other people

[DoktorGreen]

When the ego/flier/mind takes control, there is a possibility to become aware of it by feeling a 'pressure" of sorts in the face or just in front of the face. With just a bit of attention you can feel it. By sweeping it away with your hands, like a smudge fan, you can clear it and perceive with clarity. Be aggressive in your sweeping and repeat until you no longer feel it. This begets balance automatically.

[Tryingclown]

DoktorGreen wrote:
When the ego/flier/mind takes control, there is a possibility to become aware of it by feeling a 'pressure" of sorts in the face or just in front of the face. With just a bit of attention you can feel it. By sweeping it away with your hands, like a smudge fan, you can clear it and perceive with clarity. Be aggressive in your sweeping and repeat until you no longer feel it. This begets balance automatically.

thank you very much. Another:

back in the summer I had a terrible night and I ended interning myself in psychiatry for 2 weeks in the morning.
what happened?
I got out of my girlf car and went home. I saw a big moth flying to a field, clear. it was a big moth really.
In my bedroom I don't remember what I did to begin with but an image appeared on my laptop out of nothing, of a book (bible I had got) and I instantly looked at the bible on the desk and the paper on top of the bible shot up like a butterfly. instantly I felt a very unpleasant "wind" behind me, very slow moving (I was in my bed room, window closed I am sure) very very "cold" wind and I said to myself "its the ally, its here" 
the night was a terror! I asked for help to my mother on her bed, i saw moving shadows lurking in the walls to the dark, I felt bad on my belly like it had life or smtg going out like slow smoke. I actually thought I was done. my mind felt like it was a temple (this is a metaphor) that was under attack by winds and earthquacke and was going to begone!
eventually daytime come and I felt better, exausted but decided to go for a walk and to a morning cafe. I felt very sad.

I have to say that during the afternoon I seemed to be preparing something. I was thinking in allies. I am very wishfull and wondered if one ally would kind of metamorphose-appear through my house cleaning maid. when I saw her darken glasses I though she was kind of drakula.

recently I was at night trying to think of this and the energy in my bedroom got bad, I felt very bad. I managed it up, though.
It was traumatic. How do I deal with traumas?

[glance left]

Pretty freaky experience, TC.  I don't know what to tell you about dealing with frightening/traumatic experiences like that.....other than maybe to recapitulate the experience until any residual fear or sense of trauma gets transformed and you only feel the raw, abstract intensity associated with the experience.

[Guest]