11-07-2006, 12:00 AM
"Hello
I'm glad I found this post. I was just thinking of something in this line of thought yesterday. plz excuse me if I seem to blabber, Im not good in telling what I want to in a short way, when I have something I really want to say that I havent talked about. I dont want to just talk about how good my past was how much fun I had etc etc. But it seemed I was force to erase it when I think about it now a days... ok that might not sound right
Cuz I use to move around a lot. See, when I move and meet new people, making new friends, I talk about my past, like a sense of pride to feel like someone, to relate, to be accepted...and it was also good way of letting other person open up. Anyway I use to look back with total fondness and joy whenever I did go in my memories. Always images of being with friends came up first. You can say I was a popular person, people enjoyed my company, I was very warm and sharing, I was always the middle man, cuz I was able to get along with anyone almost and was addicted to fun which got me in a lot of trouble. Always I was doing things for my friends cuz thats just how I was, being with people made me happy - I dont think it was a selfish thing - i hope not-cuz I nvr consciously thought of any type of gain.
Then gradually as time went by the joy and fondness got weighed with sadness, realizing just how much I truly did miss it all for nothing will ever be the same. I look back and I still see all the fun but its not fun anymore, I start asking questions, why this, I wish I nvr moved, I wonder how my friends are doing, I dont think I'll be able to look at them as friends if I see them again. Is it a bad thing in this view of your being to think that things dont seem so great when you have no memories to share with someone, bring laughter and joy remembering something funny that friends did together, people to share your life with, people you can actually trust? Its hard for me to trust people now a days but I have faith in them...im just more careful, and to me that kinda hurts.
I use to shed tears out of no where when some memories popped up, I look now and it was like I was saying GoodBye cuz in big chunks a lot of fun memories where fading or I had no more feelings for them, or instead I see differ images that I nvr thought of like stuff from when I was really young or just things I nvr thought of keeping.
I started feeling lost, like I was having an identity crisis, wondering what am I missing, who am I type of things. And I look back reading a story full of joy and sadness trying to find some inspiration but now I dont feel anything from it, its like floating below my feet, I look down but all my emotions for it is above my head. Its strange I see a lot of my memories like I'm watching myself but I'm all hazy. I'm still the same ol me... cept I'm colder, oh I care but, no one can get close to me, its like I'm lost in my own mind. I still have a heart of gold... cold, hard, and well hidden. Now I dont talk about my past anymore to anyone for pride and getting along, cuz its gone, said Goodbye in a way, I pray for the people I miss cuz I owe them and thank them for I was blessed. I'm still not sure if I like this new me around people, I mean I barely talk at all and most of the time I'm not comfortable cuz its like I dont even know myself anymore, I have nothing much to say besides what they talk about, I dont talk about myself yet I dont want to open up cuz then... I dont know, i think maybe I'll lose them in a way. Its like I disguise myself, a shadow. I'm polite still, i'll talk, tho I'm usually the one replying. I like to share, listen, give, I dont have anything to offer anyone xcept my heart and life to someone I can truly call a companion.. yet its strange thruought my solitude how people come to me, but at the same time I'm more easily hated by strangers that dooo or dont know me, like they want to come talk to me but unsure so instead they try to size me up... heh. How can you talk truly open up to talk to someone when they talk about their past, things they want to do, things they want to happen. When your stuck in the moment. Its like they want to do something to get away from it, so it kind of seems like a waste of energy is it all vain?. Even III WANT to get away from it, but I cant, And I'm not even sure that I do. Life is truly a funny thing, it seems filled with irony...I use to ask myself do I want to get away from it, I use to think yea, but now I think I just want to better myself just so I can STAY in it. Its like fighting myself somehow.
Am I foolish or just stupid?
I think I found a fear thinking of what I wrote , being outcast"
I'm glad I found this post. I was just thinking of something in this line of thought yesterday. plz excuse me if I seem to blabber, Im not good in telling what I want to in a short way, when I have something I really want to say that I havent talked about. I dont want to just talk about how good my past was how much fun I had etc etc. But it seemed I was force to erase it when I think about it now a days... ok that might not sound right
Cuz I use to move around a lot. See, when I move and meet new people, making new friends, I talk about my past, like a sense of pride to feel like someone, to relate, to be accepted...and it was also good way of letting other person open up. Anyway I use to look back with total fondness and joy whenever I did go in my memories. Always images of being with friends came up first. You can say I was a popular person, people enjoyed my company, I was very warm and sharing, I was always the middle man, cuz I was able to get along with anyone almost and was addicted to fun which got me in a lot of trouble. Always I was doing things for my friends cuz thats just how I was, being with people made me happy - I dont think it was a selfish thing - i hope not-cuz I nvr consciously thought of any type of gain.
Then gradually as time went by the joy and fondness got weighed with sadness, realizing just how much I truly did miss it all for nothing will ever be the same. I look back and I still see all the fun but its not fun anymore, I start asking questions, why this, I wish I nvr moved, I wonder how my friends are doing, I dont think I'll be able to look at them as friends if I see them again. Is it a bad thing in this view of your being to think that things dont seem so great when you have no memories to share with someone, bring laughter and joy remembering something funny that friends did together, people to share your life with, people you can actually trust? Its hard for me to trust people now a days but I have faith in them...im just more careful, and to me that kinda hurts.
I use to shed tears out of no where when some memories popped up, I look now and it was like I was saying GoodBye cuz in big chunks a lot of fun memories where fading or I had no more feelings for them, or instead I see differ images that I nvr thought of like stuff from when I was really young or just things I nvr thought of keeping.
I started feeling lost, like I was having an identity crisis, wondering what am I missing, who am I type of things. And I look back reading a story full of joy and sadness trying to find some inspiration but now I dont feel anything from it, its like floating below my feet, I look down but all my emotions for it is above my head. Its strange I see a lot of my memories like I'm watching myself but I'm all hazy. I'm still the same ol me... cept I'm colder, oh I care but, no one can get close to me, its like I'm lost in my own mind. I still have a heart of gold... cold, hard, and well hidden. Now I dont talk about my past anymore to anyone for pride and getting along, cuz its gone, said Goodbye in a way, I pray for the people I miss cuz I owe them and thank them for I was blessed. I'm still not sure if I like this new me around people, I mean I barely talk at all and most of the time I'm not comfortable cuz its like I dont even know myself anymore, I have nothing much to say besides what they talk about, I dont talk about myself yet I dont want to open up cuz then... I dont know, i think maybe I'll lose them in a way. Its like I disguise myself, a shadow. I'm polite still, i'll talk, tho I'm usually the one replying. I like to share, listen, give, I dont have anything to offer anyone xcept my heart and life to someone I can truly call a companion.. yet its strange thruought my solitude how people come to me, but at the same time I'm more easily hated by strangers that dooo or dont know me, like they want to come talk to me but unsure so instead they try to size me up... heh. How can you talk truly open up to talk to someone when they talk about their past, things they want to do, things they want to happen. When your stuck in the moment. Its like they want to do something to get away from it, so it kind of seems like a waste of energy is it all vain?. Even III WANT to get away from it, but I cant, And I'm not even sure that I do. Life is truly a funny thing, it seems filled with irony...I use to ask myself do I want to get away from it, I use to think yea, but now I think I just want to better myself just so I can STAY in it. Its like fighting myself somehow.
Am I foolish or just stupid?
I think I found a fear thinking of what I wrote , being outcast"