Casual Conversation

[Billy]

Omit that I used shame as a medium--the development goes past that and practically mirrors you.  My writing is about moving from lively isolation (in this case via a profound sense of worthlessness or shame that is a self conscious withdrawal for one's own objective purpose) into emptiness and its energy.

I wanted you to tell me where the points were weak, strong.  I am talking of a process of intended soulful self-negation that is objectified in itself to draw out counter-intuitive resource.  I get clear about this as you read. I often used shame as a prop to take the reader down.  I did not live a life of shame generally to be sure.  Think how open I had to be to revisit that **** when recapitulating.

Think of what I lay out later as what you called fasting.  You are a dancer.  I never could be, nor do I want to dance.  I am a lover of my isolation when I am on.  I had to reread my own thoughts to get back on.  I can use whatever I am given-- even this heavy blob of negativity once I set myself.  I have no bent for pervasive conjurring or dancing, but I like yours.

[serloco]

We all have our dances and songs that we move to. Yours is a dance of shame and isolation, that moves to music set to that measure. That destination, position of awareness. I too have a dance of emptiness, isolation, and am alone at times. I have a dance alone with my death. I am more of an artist really. An observer of different forms of art. Life's expressions, motions, and actions. In this case i called it a dance, only to define the abstract in a poetic gesture. All art is an expression of life, and so to is everything around us. Life is an artist of life and creation. Life is art. All you see is what you've eaten in this garden of delight. The manifestation of knowledge and awareness, into sight. The conjuring of life. See it how you will, name it how you like, illuminate that which it is and see for yourself. Make of it what you will. Call it a path, a road, a line, destination, a dance, movement, action, motion, fate, destiny, or whatever you want to name it, and see it form that way. What you will.

[Billy]

Likely, I'll take an undetermined break.        ???           Peace.

[Billy]

I am doing a fairly conscientious processing, and have to think my retreat is well-timed.  

I will have loads to say on different levels and with different weights from lighter to more sober.  'Unfortunately', I SEE I am in the non-absorbing mode, cannot take anymore blasts (D) because I am a wimp--Well that, and I actually BELIEVE I have been nourished enough for now...   I am digesting and metabolizing... and apparently I took in some poison (the doom), that has been a challenge (but really, this is within my scope, and have been converting it). 

 I will pony up and share thoughts from 'arrogant' wholeness--  (whenever)...

     Peace!

[Billy]

The light stuff:  When I was  only nine years old I had vivid dreams wherein I articulated that I was absurdly (meaninglessly) alone.  I take that as my truth of being generally, yet I lived a natural extroverted way.
I did not read much, but I read Ayn Rand and Carlos Castaneda eary on.  A few other books of any significance were Art of War, Imitation of Christ, Molino's Spiritual Guide.  For decades I really have only picked an excerpt randomly now and then (excepting Matt Sanford's Waking).  I have almost always been non-theist.  I entered the forum on my bent concerning 'shame' which came from an effective
recapitulation a la Don Juan.  Shame was NOT part of my life generally.  I will clarify that I used memories to create self-degradation and withdrawal in experimentation that took on immense magnitude to refix my existential position.
  In my tonal, it is clear to me that modern human history (religion and culture) in relation to hundreds of millions of years of earth's evolution is virtually nothing---(AND this is forgetting Cosmos).  So talk of devils and gods is unreal.  Yes, the devil (persona) put his arm on my shoulder (he showed me an unspeakable horrid glimpse into eternal damnation.  And too, I glimpsed into the incredible eternal joy as its counterpart.)  In these experiences alone, I consider myself freakishly 'blessed.'  Nevertheless, I don't understand how thinking stays in a box promoting human importance when only viewing dust of a jigsaw puzzle of infinite pieces.  Our DNA is +99% that of monkeys and Neanderthal, but in a blink humans are central to EVERYTHING.  SCREW THAT!

  Now, I don't know what to make of existence, but I like sharing thoughts here with others.  I want wholeness and ease-- I want peace.  I do pretty good.  Perhaps somehow, I will share ideas about that. (D) I am talking to myself (laughing and serious too), so leave me alone for a while (as you know to do at this time--in fact why not wait until after f***ing Christmas).

[Billy]

Don Juan talked about the gap or hole in the abdominal pointing to one being existentially vulnerable.  I think I have a big one-- Fill it back in (D).  THANK YOU.

[Billy]

SO, I listened to manipura chakra music a few minutes only, and it occurred to me THIS:  Serloco, you can be my student for a couple weeks or so as I pretend to teach you.  You can do this. 

You will put yourself in a sacrosanct mode and give this arrangement validity.  You will ask me whatever it is you would like to know about the nature of being, existence, sorcery, etc.  Pretending reality is what I do rather well.  SEE.

[Billy]

Now I have lost everything including my sane mind.

[serloco]

billy wrote:SO, I listened to manipura chakra music a few minutes only, and it occurred to me THIS:  Serloco, you can be my student for a couple weeks or so as I pretend to teach you.  You can do this. 

You will put yourself in a sacrosanct mode and give this arrangement validity.  You will ask me whatever it is you would like to know about the nature of being, existence, sorcery, etc.  Pretending reality is what I do rather well.  SEE.You keep returning me to the realm of inorganic beings. Now I am not calling you an iob, but your action are indicative to me of the actions of iob`s. Now i have iob awareness too in me, very kin to the old ones, and so i know many of these iob attributes are merely positions of awareness and forms of knowledge and nothign more. they need not be confined to classes of iob`s or organic forms. both can inhibit the qualities i am speaking of now. and those qualities are you telling what i know. i sent to you the same idea, because my awareness of reality flips the world over so tha tthe student becomes the teacher. the wise one becomes small and shrinks his tonal and the world around him get larger. as you know. and as i stated to you in my awareness only, i can do this with you and most likely will. that was then, when i sent that thought form to you, or about you, you are eeing that awareness purely now. which is seeing reality directly yet you have it masked in a marijuana music and did not state where it came from if you know at all. you show me you know because you indicate that i can do this and that i will, which was my exact seeing as well. i do it often. lert us see where it goes for now.

[Billy]

Good.  i did say 'listened to chakra a few minutes only'--which was to mean not really connected to that (that was simply following out of addressing attention to pangs going to the abdominal area). 

   As I like the clarity I gained from Ayn Rand philosophy, I will speak more clearly.

   (On me, me, me.) All manifestations on a personal level have been seemingly 99% inauspicious (how convention views it), but this has been a movement of that ilk for several years, and which seems to leave me now close to 'being a deer in the lights' (which is just another experience I don't judge heavily.) 

As you know very well--when one learns, one is not taught by another--but rather confirms in a mirror one's 'come forthness.'  I think many are unconsciously cued to look in the mirror; luckily, I typically have the concept first as an idea of 'my origin,' then get it reinforced immediately thereafter (luckily--because that cuts out all the conceivable machinations of gods, devils, peeps, or whatever).  I trust because I don't need to see into a mirror--this probably attracts you (and probably likewise the other way).
   What you might want to know, is how I have joy when I think existence is (humor me) GOD's mistake.  I say you are alone, you are worthless, and thus degraded if only because you are obedient by having not a choice in being (speaking of all entities here).

   Now, you may very well be GOD.  I DON'T respect that. 

 Now, you and I will share brotherly-motherly actualization (smiling).  Harbour...

[Billy]

Decide if you want some more grounding.  I think that is why we are talking to one another.

[Billy]

I am thinking of all the times I resort to a sort of shadenfreude.  Waking is a man's recounting of himself as a boy suddenly made paraplegic in an auto accident.  Empathy in living every life that has ever been is a way not to be enamored.  I began a self-conditioning beyond circumstances, but what a fraud if I thought I could handle others' pain.

[Billy]

Further into a base to 'work with' I mentioned in my book how Socrates was wrong to want the tyrant ruler not to use subserviants as a matter of moral shame.  He fails to understand that the very same domination by precedents was what brought his existence in the first place.  I have the disdains of bankers and lawyers myself.  Billions of happenings, billlions of reflections, and our own contradictions galore.  But many of those abominations of unscrupulous prehistoric (and otherwise) organisms made us alive.  They are now foreign and reprehensible--no.  IS.

Now I do have a problem with IS (too bad for me).  That is what I find unsatisfactory.  Yet, as I go deeper to what I only imagine as primal source energy--I get addicted to IS in a pretty good way.  From reason, to whole body to rubbing energy is what this forum sometimes explores.

Serloco, the furthest extensions of biological four 'F's (feed, fight, flee, f**k) cannot be negated even from sorcery.  Multiplicity of these powers is a world you thrive in.  I do well in the worldy affirmation sense, but I often gravitate to a base--I do not often forget that existence is meaningless.  A paradox for me is that I get off on being AND 'worthless outer' manifestations.  I DO get off being alive--I don't know why.  I did not exaggerate how I messed up relations and health; still it provided me essential depth.

   I think most humans are unhappy.  I am fortunate to have stoic DNA, some environmental luck, and guidance to not be unhappy.  For sure, in relation (or otherwise), I am happy. 

   It was less than a year ago I made a conscious effort to share where I could to help some others (because that's the ***hole I am-I mean really- so I'll stop doing THAT).   Just say, I like delving into ideas.

[Billy]

Book excerpt referring to my little boy dreams:  "I am thickly rich in sensuality.  There is a heightened awareness of being, and I am gobbling up the putrid sense of my own worthlessness.  My existence is then peeled clean of dependencies, and I pleasure in pure withdrawal.  ALL these dreams have an awareness within them of craving and reaching out for a sensational climax through my isolation!"

My book was a snapshot that carried no outward impetus to a whole life.  My 'teachers' were builders-- they wanted me BIG.  I had an ego too.  I had to be ripe with maturity to go back to days of withdrawal.  Note* I replaced the word shame with the word withdrawal to make it palatable for others, and in truth that is the evolved description to date.
 
  It is one thing to talk withdrawal into an isolated state or emptiness, and another one to have emperical access to it.  I don't know if its wise to tout it to others since the premise comes to roost.  Someone without maturity is in for serious shock when isolation's meaninglessness becomes hooked onto to self-reflection.  Detachment without the deathground experience is probably inadequate for the challenge of embracing (withstanding) the abyss.

   You can't have my soul serloco-- it is long gone.  I won't go near opening up for eternal hell or expect to see eternal bliss again either.  I probably won't revisit Patrick Ness (a good good writer), or sorcery as a concerted effort.  I got what I needed.  The relations I 'messed' was surely my unconscious intent--another step deeper into acknowledging the truth of my own isolation--   Emptiness is powerful and peaceful.  It is quite connected to the desire for negation or annihilation I do believe.  How silly is that given the nature of energy.  It is what it is.  THIS is me.  Not preaching to anyone.  Though I could theorize.

[Billy]

The thrust here is that I see any entertainment of a GOD (Creator) as an entity or concept far more wicked than any possible demon.  You probably are not truthful if you think existence is an enviable proposition.

While I undercut, and another of good faith would prop life, I'll tell you the odds are really really certain that I have more "goodness."  POINT:  I like to deal with the 'existence phenomenology' without all the **** (abstractions).  {hint}

[Billy]

No one needs to see me naked other than myself.  That said, I have taken off everything but my socks and shoes.

I have little rancor or aversion concerning existence and the abstractions.  I am able to carress the hollow of existence with the physical presence of my body.  Each time I do this, the world opens and invites commensurate feelings.  I am responsible for it all-I hold the tension.

   How am I responsive?  I crawl underneath and eat, fight, screw, and at times flee by digging a deeper hole.

[Billy]

As antithetical as it might seem to relating NOTHING, ROUTINE is 'necessary' for quiet.  Often, inclinations and action outside of simple routine leads to resentment, or playing out existence as IS.  I want THAT negated.  LOOK at people and culture indulging inordinately (that IS misery).  Find your conception of emptiness-- keep going back to it to be bathed-- then watch with your newly energetic perception. This becomes habit.

[Billy]

The master of freedom is DEEP, dark, empty isolation.

[serloco]

hey hey, just came back.. sorry i didn't reply... not personal... i am at times at flight.. carried away by different things.. sometimes not knowing where i will be..

God has always shown me to be aything and everything i could every conceive of him to be, or reality to be. Outstanding. Perfection. Awe.

[serloco]

People, millions, billioons, and more, have stood in my way of my dreams. I do not listen to their words, their ways, their side tracks, and follow to my own, sowing the field as i roam. My eyes to creation and also to the infinite unknown, the omnipotence that creates anything. Like the God told me to, to seek for him, and not to follow man, not to sow **** seeds, and to give only power and glory to things deserving, and ultimately to creation that creates all things.

Now people have stood in my way saying i can not do this or that, it is crazy and blah blah blah, and every road block they could have conceived. now i walk right through them and my way is manifest. their sciences are fluid now, no longer stable, no longer allies of theirs but mine. a thief in the void of night is not so 'empty' as you say, because everything is also nothing, and anything from it may remain. IN this place is a choice of whatever it is you want, but here is also the full awareness present of all creation, the totality of our existence, and nothing as well, your death, so that you may fly free, while also retaining all things, and all knowledge in which to choose. any choice is equal and had has no real resistance but what is inside of you made real.

[serloco]

Billy, I hope you enjoy(enjoyed) the dreams.

[serloco]

been away making on even and with god, and with big monsters and demons, and all kinds of fun. talk to me if you are around billy, and if you freaked out in self-importance let it go. up to you tho.

someone aid this thread was locked. almost believed them too. wanted to see.

[Billy]

Gugeyewalker-- I have no objection if the moderator would omit all of my posts here (and serloco's if okay with him).

Serloco, I am taking sea of awareness's unrelenting hits to my mid-section.  My awareness is high.

[Billy]

Serloco, I have not opened myself recently.  You are amazing--but I am taking back until physically ready.  I am WAY more dependent on the world's imput than I ever thought.  Now I know that is what it is.

[Billy]

By the way--what? you fixed my abdominal? Good!