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From the Inner Landscape forum posted 11/24/2010
Ok, I posted recently to Wolf that his calling me Lang triggered a recall of memory. I decided to post about it here...
So yesterday I was tickled by the typo, but just went on with the evening. It wasn't until I was turning in that I had a vivid flashback. It happened as I was in front of the mirror about the brush my teeth. I recalled the time when a wolf stared across an arroyo at me. I have posted about this before...at pp. I went today to retrieve that post. Its from the sub-forum Movies, title Mongol, dated 11/11/08. First some background. I saw a video excerpt about the life of Genghis Khan who was my namesake at the time, or I was his, however that works. In the movie he had the animal totem of the blue wolf. In the preview of that movie (I have not actually seen the movie itself) they showed a wolf. This wolf looks like the wolf in Wolf's Silvereye forum. Its grayish white. I said in that thread the following:
"It's interesting to me about his experience with the wolf. I had a similar experience, and when I recall it, I still am not sure if it occurred, yet I have a distinct memory of it. I was in third grade in Las Cruces, NM. I was going towards my bus, as school was out. I look across an arroyo and a wolf is staring at me, it looked like the wolf in the movie previews here. I stare at the wolf, the wolf stares at me. I felt fear looking at it because I sensed it was a wild animal, not a pet. It was the feeling given to me of its wildness. And it's awareness of me was interesting and engaging. I knew it wasn't going to hurt me, but the moment was intense nonetheless.
I feel there may be more to the memory, but this is all I recall. I wonder about this experience such as, why didn't other kids see it? Or, did it really happen? And was it the way I remember it? Most of all, I just remember it looking at me, its eyes had an intensity. And between us was some type of arroyo I believe."
Ok, that's what I remembered at that time. Now last night I remembered some more...
I remembered how I always felt Juan Matus's presence from that wolf, but only after I had read Castaneda. The two in time had linked. Also I realized that I had partially blocked my understanding when at pp because I was uncomfortable with the wolf as totem or omen due to LoneWolf and how Lujan viewed him etc. Even after leaving pp and coming here and being here for months, that memory was out of view. It wasn't until yesterday (and last night) it came back in full.
The wolf had stared at me, it caught my eyes and held them, then communicated silently. It told me it was wild, and I was like it and one day I would join it, but not now (when I was about 9). I was too unlike it then to join it. I had to go through my life, live with the rest of the kids, be a regular kid, its wildness was too much for me, but also it was me. Am I the wolf, not necessarily, but the feelings it gave me, its wildness,its freedom, yes. It told me (silent communication) we would meet again one day. This too frightened me, but not because I feared it, just it felt like too much at that time, and yet I wanted to go with it in a way too, but couldn't then. I wanted to get back with the kids, but I also liked this creature and knew it represented everything that wasn't my life I currently knew, I felt the wolf truly understood me. My life was tamed and ordered, controlled and rational...it's life wasn't, and a part of me, even though I didn't go with the wolf, was also a part of him I kept with me as I left. I don't know how I got to my bus, and memory vanishes after that moment of locking eyes with the wolf for about a minute, and then I am on the bus. That's all I recall but the memory is there frozen like a snapshot.
Oh, and do I think it was LoneWolf?, yes!
