Posts: 0
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
Recently i was broke. I knew it was going to happen, dreamt about it beforehand, worried about it, thought about. I was getting to the point where i didn't even have enough to buy food. A cheque in the post hadn't arrived, again. Things were now getting desperate. I was suffering stress.Then my ex wife sent me a message, marking the 5th anniversary of our break-up, saying how happy she and her new children are, asking about me. I didn't know what to say. Bitterness arose. I didn't respond.
I am at a dance class learning tango and the effect of the previous two events are weighing on me. I hate the dance class to be honest. It is taught in a way that winds me up. I am not fluent in the language it is taught in.Often i don't understand their verbal instruction. I am not confident socially in such settings, I experience anxiety when having to holding women in close embrace, i feel awkward when i am then then meant to lead them to music i have no feeling for. The teacher comes over makes an example of me, ruffles my hair, pinches my cheeks, embarrasses me further and an internal rage takes over that i have to mask. I am choked up inside to the point where i hardly even hear what people are saying to me. One after another they take their turn in showing me variations of footwork that are new to me, that i have no interest in, that i have had no time to learn as i have performing hard labour 3 hrs driving away, dont know because i have had no time for a shower or to eat properly before i arrived here. I am consumed by the feeling that my ex wife has has left me so broken i cant even function. Stolen years of my life, the opportunity for children, almost all i owned, she took.
I am trying to hold a succession of women closely, can feel their breasts pressing into me. All i can say to them in what is left of my French, to try and break the ice before i try and dance with them, is 'i am scared'.
I dont want to be here at all.
I drive an hour back home with my GF sitting beside me. She is furious at me. I am not as good at dancing as she wants. She is frustrated, she slams the door as she walks into the house. I am so numb i actually have nothing i can say. I sit in the car outside the house, and just sit there, and sit there, and sit there.
I don't even know how to move. I feel so far away from things i am hardly in contact with the world. I have retreated deeply, very very deeply, almost gone in fact. I have no clear thoughts, no obvious over riding emotion, i am just gone, a corpse. I don't want to be in the world any longer. Don't want to take part. Don't want to come to the surface and engage with anything. I want to be dead. I have been here before.
It was in fact a perfect storm of circumstance i guess, consecutive lemons that turn up, several triggers at once that overlap, coincide, superimpose. It took me back to a way of being in the world that i shall simply call 'depression'. A mixture of crippling humiliation, crushing defeat, annihilation due to trauma, shame.
3 hrs later my gf comes to the car and insists i come back into the house. I have nothing to say.
On her instruction I go to bed. As i lie next to her she puts one of my arms around her to entice me into an embrace.There is nothing inside my arm, no 'me' present, i am still far far far away. She angrily hurls my arms back in disgust and i feel as if i am just a hollow shell. Nothing matters. I sleep and don't want to wake up. Still have no words.
I actually looked up how to erase my profile here on the site. I sit there looking at it, struggling to understand the words. I don't even have enough energy to perform the action. At several points i having a fleeting notion questioning if i should try and shake the state off, but have no will or sense of self that can even act. There is nothing to even push 'from'.
The state lasted two days at this sort of intensity. As it subsided my mind cycled through numerous explanations such as depression, bi polar, psychologically weak, a failure etc. I tried not to trust them as they arose but the seductive quality of actually having a working mind again, a center that i could think and feel from less numb than the waking death of before, weaved its charm momentarily and i briefly had a love affair with each rationalization. I wonder if these moments of clinging to the first faltering foundations of certainty are merely making psychic scar tissue. Scars i will pick at again later.
The state has gone now, for now, but everything is always shifting. Right now, which is all i actually have, i am vigilant, but everything changes in this sea of awareness.
Posts: 0
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
Is this some kind of a flyer recapitulation technique?... If so nowonder noone really recapitulates, them are disgusting and boring to death.
Posts: 92
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
Your story touched me, I related to it, though my own experiences varied to your, same results basically. Shows we are all the same, both in form (human form) and also, in power. Power of course would do this to us so that we grow towards power. The world is like this because it forges us and shapes us this way. But what it shapes is 'no shape' odd paradox, because...it's form that causes us to hurt. Fixed ideas that strain. Even if they potentially made one happy at first...like, the beginning of any relationship is happy, otherwise we would not continue with it. However, its fixed, and over time the changes strain it's fixed state. The flier, well the whole perception of the flier, plays upon this dynamic.
You see about changes, so you are far along in your understanding, which is good. It's the same for me, I can see how awareness changes. The moving into 'no shape'.
Posts: 0
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
I have a very different point of view towards this thread. At first it was compassionate and I spent some time rereading it so i could respond in a kind manner and maybe offer some help to defeat these negative thoughts. Then I read what was posted in the new members thread pointed at people without the almighty sorcerers knowledge and have come here to learn from us experienced ones. Get out!! Not very kind nor understanding, also not in tune with the actions of Spirit who has directed all of us here. If you do not believe that the Spirit has directed these souls here for some warriors purpose maybe you should get lost. You want a warriors view fine I'll give you one. I have been in sorcerers circles for years watching the weak get cut down by over grown self importance. Since I already know that you deem yourself to be impeccable and the lower beings around you as not even worthy as being here in this forum it would seem redundant to ask you if you actually believe that your post here is an act in impeccability? Whining and complaining about dance lessons as if they are the pure torments of hell, and that you dont want to live anymore because of them! It occurred to me that you may be just another attention seeker trying to garner attention and pity for yourself from others but then i see all the self-pity you are already carrying and expressing and it is appalling that you should want more. Oh poor you had a break up. You are very fragile, maybe you should just leave? You have a lot of work to do regarding your self-importance and self-pity just like many here do, but instead of feeling good about it myself, or feel that i am better then you, i will offer you some advice. Stop indulging in your pity and your complaints, start redirecting your thoughts and your feelings to the point where you can enjoy any act you are carrying out without feeling pity or importance. Until you reach that level of awareness and controlled folly i suggest zipping your lips shut about being impeccable. There is nothing worse then a blind hypocrite.
Posts: 92
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
"Start redirecting your thoughts and feelings to the point where you can enjoy any act you are carrying out without feeling pity or importance." -serloco
Yes.
Plus, there are some actions we can choose not to do. We need not do things simply because 'others want us to'. So we can examine that and see what our own motives are for carrying out another's will or wish, if that makes us unhappy to do so.
Posts: 0
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
seesaw wrote:I dont want to be here at all.
intent clearly declared. then why you're here? or there?
your action harshly contradicts the very basics of impeccability, dude - remember DJ's explaining it to Carlos? saying something to the effect - take all the time you need to hesitate, doubt, puzzle - but once you decide, no way back! no regret!
practically, once you mastered that, you will never again be where you don't want to be; you respect your own decisions which brought you there, be it expert navigation or awkward falling in a trap; you take responsibility for it; from now on all your energy invested in navigating from here-and-now towards your next destination > infinity.
which means - depression, like fear, is but a defeated enemy. they are physical sensations, which leaves you neutral - to use fear as alarm for danger, depression as alarm for stressing conditions of some sort. they don't block you - they energize you. elating!
so - if you care to be impeccable, either leave that tango class, or decide to stay in spite of the inconvenience, and tackle the challenge - whatever it is - for which you chose to go there in the first place.
seesaw wrote: I actually looked up how to erase my profile here on the site. hmm... not such a bad idea, and this was my advise to you on the "go go go go go!" post - this sock sucks, why stick to it? get a fresh one!
see saw wrote: I sit there looking at it, struggling to understand the words. I don't even have enough energy to perform the action.The state lasted two days at this sort of intensity...
and you choose impeccability as your issue to start a battle?
told ya, in my reply to your PM - impeccability is my best grade. sure you have your own strengths and i have my weaknesses - but, my impeccability fails to reach your high standards? pathetic!
i'm sure you're great with "hunting for power", for yourself and\or for those who send you as messenger (DDs? banderas? ) . and actually, this stoty is obviousely made-up for "stalking" sake. but why choose a subject you don't understand at all?
with all my theoretical ignorance in hunting power, i can tell - or be more humble and guess (but this will be "leaking energy" as shamanka defined? meaning my defenses are awkward?) - this story intended to pull the audience, create a circle within this mood - heavy indulgence, depression, fear. or is it a manifestation of a plan "flesh mob" performed in the safety of darkness?
anyway - the intent was to paralize my circle, rather then celebrate impeccability.
well...
try something else, preciousss.
Posts: 0
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
/Interact
My Recent PostsMessage MeBlockingIgnore User's PostsReport Post
ReplyQuote
PerSydWhen late is late #7[url][-]
Visitor
Posts: 2
08/04/12 17:42:17
EXORCIST
When someone finds a dead being is late, cannot get later than that in my opinion.
...
a destroyed body will never be alive like it was before.
PerSyd
Humpty dumpty took a big fall #18[url][-]
Visitor
Posts: 2
24/04/12 21:12:07
EXORCIST
But you are darling, does not matter how much you dye or die your roots show, even
in dreaming because you are dead the hair growth is accelerated, blondie.
That is where we look for grey and natural color fur patches.
Denial does not change the obvious doll, nor does reality change cause one wills it so it is what it is dear dear, lupa latin for wolfette ciuciuva gypsy for nothing with a kyrilic accent.
I might have started early i closed you in with one kitten it does not like you much that is why it claws you
sorry about that was time yet none read when i wrote it, one deleted it cause it knew better like the sun father god
it is. See you cannot lie to one that knows me for real and that is kinda how i was as child in case your kin started missing my childhood years again, i was much worse i am afraid all i did was shred doubles all night and day.
...
That is why i am what i am, i know this and you don't the Rosseta stone is cr*p and the same is the Dresden codex only who spoke it and wrote it would know it if it would hear it or would be able to read it today. Do not search me to mumble in dreaming corpse same goes to the rest of your picky kin. When the sun in some's imagination grows poles and four is because some four morons will be nailed by it ... again and i mean four per session even if one hanged after he realised he did not save his pal he betrayed him for real. Multiple of four ... to make sure you understand what i mean.
(sorry, alex
http://dreamhackers.eu/viewtopic.php?f=17&t=2601)
Posts: 0
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 0
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
Excellent post seesaw, thanks for sharing here. I've been in the emotional state you describe, (for different reasons, but in the same place regardless), and I can feel exactly where you were at during the time you reference here.
Awhile back, shortly before I decided to revisit Castenada's works for the first time in 20 years, I spent some time contemplating the "proper", (or perhaps most wise), usage of emotions. I refused to accept the idea that any emotions existed without a purpose; we evolved every of them for something. Sadness took me a while to figure out. Eventually I did come up with an answer. Sadness, according to then me , is best used as an energy to destroy harmful mental constructs. I first saw this with the sadness one feels when a loved one dies. The sadness provides the energy to tear down our expectations of spending more time with that person, or any plans we might have for how future relations with them might go. Back then I saw this as necessary to "provide room" for new concepts, which would be more appropriate in light of the new circumstances. I find that part much more dubious today. As another example, I'll use the first example you give in which you were subjected to your ex-wife's poisoned pen. I would have suggested the sadness was there providing the energy for you to change your mental constructs of what success means as well as any construct suggesting you should compare your life with hers.
After reading your post and seeing that these "mental constructs" I used to refer to are just flyers, I'm now looking at sadness as a wonderful tool for destroying them. It naturally quiets the mind for us and provides us with a very watery, cleansing energy. Sure some flyers might be responsible for encouraging the emotion, but if they want to jump on their own sword who are we to question their impeccability in doing so?
I'm not sure where to go with this line of reasoning beyond to try some experimentation. Anyone else have any views on this?
Posts: 0
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
a nagual being, acts as a mirror to show the flyers of others. Those wishing to self stalk reactions, to this expression, are welcome to do so.
Posts: 0
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
Sometimes I feel despair that my life in the Tonal isn't working out. Then I consult my death and learn that for the most part I am irrelevant and the world is going in the direction it wants to go and not where I want it to go. I dethrone my mind and go about my way.
Sorry about my Dreamways debacle........
Posts: 0
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
Nagual cannot be stalkd, only dreamt.
Tonal - "the table" is the opposite way around.
Posts: 0
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 0
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
I have experienced every moment of what you described in your initial post, SS. Many, many times. Isn't it funny, I can look back and laugh somehow? It's like embracing the whole thing with an over-riding acceptance. An expanded awareness that feels affection for the part of me that gets temporarily blinded and thick..and inevitably becomes prey.....only to emerge to a different level of expansiveness....of awareness...of appreciation.
I'm not feeling much gripe with the flyers, these days...the ephemeral parasites. They're just doing what they were born to do....adding to the mystery of an infinite interplay that has such profound intelligence behind it, it boggles the mind. It's beautiful...and truly awesome! Even though it's horrible when, in thickness/stupidity I can't shake the sense of nightmare at being eaten alive. Somehow, my growing silence embraces and, perhaps, itself eats those moments in which I'm being eaten. I see myself from above
Posts: 0
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
Draco Fellicci wrote:Nagual cannot be stalkd, only dreamt.
Tonal - "the table" is the opposite way around.
I am sorry to say this but you obviously have no idea what stalking is. When I enter into a position of awareness I can stalk very intensely and uncover much unknown awareness about it. Like when I stalked my awareness to the area of telepathy I began to enter into that position and many things became familiar to me that i hadn;t previouslt seen. I even can stalk your awareness into visual form so I can see it with my eyes. You can intend a position of awareness that you have barely any idea of and then begin to learn of it in many ways. Having my attention shift from the tonal into the nagual is an easy feat for me now. Stalking unknown awareness is a common thing in my world. Its one the crucial points of stalking, to move to other known positions and to move into the unknown creating new awareness or expanding it.
Posts: 0
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
I ment it the same way, thats what that exact awareness for, unspokable...
Posts: 0
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
Message me if you need to talk. You know how to find me. Email. Facebook. If you need to. Skype
Posts: 0
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 0
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 0
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2019
|
