Just. Do. It.

[Kristopher]

~I’ve been asked several times in the past couple of months
in regards to recapitulation, “I can’t find anyone or anything to recap.  I don’t think I have any reactions or
emotions to much anymore.  Am I done?”  


This, of course, is just egoic self importance talking.  When you are done you will know it and you
won’t be asking yourself, me or anyone else if you are done.  


Autolysis and recapitulation involves critical thinking.  This takes time to develop; the attentive
capacity needed to really dig into ‘you’ must be deepened and exercised, worked
like a muscle in order to be fully used effectively.  I’ve the suspicion that most are not using
critical thinking in recap, but that’s just my opinion.  If you don’t know what critical thinking is,
I’m sure there’s a ton of information on the ‘net explaining it.  


Recap when you can, yet its best if you can do it for
extended periods of time.  Progress from
minutes to hours, hours to days, with only minimal breaks.    Obviously this depends on ones attentive
capacity and unbending intent.  I was
fortunate enough to be able to basically ‘cease’ my life and perform this one
task.  Took roughly 27 months,
approximately 11,918 hours, straight. 
Burn it all.  


If formal recapitulation is supposedly ‘done’ for you, then
start paying attention to your internal dialogue and see what it’s saying while
you are awake.  Every thought is a
mini-belief that need be unraveled.  Make
a list of your thoughts.  If you have
been performing recap properly you’ll see a pattern develop; the pattern of the
supposed ‘you.’  


Also, it’s been said before, but I’ll say it again:  It’s an uncomfortable process.  Those who question about this process don’t
seem very pissed off, and this shows me that they’re not doing this
properly.  This isn’t a ‘skimming’ as Don
Juan mentioned to Carlos.  If you don’t
become a raving loon a month or two into the process, again, you aren’t doing
anything. 


To kick it up a notch, begin your recap by asking yourself: 


“Why shouldn’t I kill myself right now?” 


Not metaphorically, but physically.  Take the thoughts and emotions that arise
from that and begin again. 


Kristopher

[watergaze]

Hey Kris, thnx for the helpful info.

It is clear that one goes at things with the reasoning capacity. Emotion, however, has always been very helpful to me for spotting things. And now I somehow arrived at a state where nothing much spikes my emotions any more in a sense to be useful to my self-stalking. So I actually look at habits, patterns and Internal Dialogue (but again the ID was what i looked at before too, it linked to the emotion spikes). I still find it really slow in comparison to the emotion approach. I go at it with reason.. as X is a big part of my life, why, what does it mean to me, why do i do it, what if i did not, am i attached to it or not, if yes why etc. Family is something everyone has to look at obviously, dont need much emotion to figure that one. I also look at what I would not like to lose, if anything, and work on that (this linked for me also to the question you gave about why not kill oneself).

I found something with methods like this to work on. But again in comparison to the emotion spike approach it is much harder because with the emotion spike you know for sure and you see it clearly when you drop the thing.

I of course do not conclude that I am done. no need to think about that, it is silly. there is always stuff to do. I might not be able to imagine being done . Wtf would I do then? hahaha (now Im not sure I want to be even, cause really what then? )

Knowing I am not done nevertheless does not help me keep the same pace as I had before at clearing up bs stuff. Recently I experienced a state of, well, uncaring. I am not saying this lightly at all (as I see people throw stuff like that around on regular basis. not me, for me actually first ive said this). I literally did not care about anything and had no emotional response to things i would have at least some just a week or two previous. If nothing touches me it seems as if I had nothing to drop. If there was a sibling i had issues with normally, at that moment id have no issues with them. Does that mean i am over the issues, I surely think not! Why? Obviously because if I move back to previous spot the issues would need to be gone for me to consider them gone, just cause I shift state dont make stuff gone for real. But having shifted it is much harder to see what one has issues with, cause then I dont feel them. So rational mind/critical thinking is really the only thing of help there. the thing though is i dont see results same way as when i was working on emotion spikes.

what does one see results on? (this is a question Id be interested to hear your answer on)

I often have a clear indicator of having dug up a bigger vein of bs. so i know when i hit it, at least for now i do. I do not always have it, but often enough. I also saw results on changes of emotional reactions and ID process, which also influenced my general state. But if one has no emotional reaction (and no connected ID) what does one see the result on? if one was not bothered before and is not bothered still, what is the difference? Some of it is still seen on ID and different patterns of course..

When emotion spikes and brings me to self-stalk and recap I can work on it for days/weeks. but when no emotion drives me i seem to lose the impetus to keep at it a lot easier. As it seems to me Im fine, im not reacting so for all practical purposes it looks like I am. So then the question does come up: what issue should I work on? Something Im not bothered by? That is actually hard... that takes a different type of self-discipline. and yes i agree it needs to be honed.

what do i do with the pattern of the supposed 'me'? Way I did it before is the pattern would actually show me something, like me putting weight on being proper and others being proper. If one does not figure out or see a pattern then does one have a problem (as in a problem of not being to able figure out what to work on)? How long does it take to go from one pattern spotting to another? If one clears something and patterns change then it probably takes some time to see more.. though with the emotion spike approach it sometimes was really instant, one thing uncovers another etc. with patterns i sometimes come to few linked that i see. but right now id say i jut have one that i see (which i see has tentacles linking to a few things) and then nothing.

I dont think one needs to be pissed off to do recap and self-stalk (but yes it helps a lot, almost wish i had that). I did a lot of work on myself, emotional reactions, hurt, self-pity, all sots of things and I was not pissed for almost any of it. but also since little i am not a typical person what concerns anger and being pissed off.
at one time i was desperate with my situation and that led to a lot of self work and at a point here and there I would be angry but nothing consistent. In general I am not angry to recap. Maybe in my own way I am pissed off when I get frustrated with things/myself. Anyways even when I am not pissed off id say it is working, at least for practical purposes of living it looks like it is. if one day I get pissed off I guess I will be in Ahab mode for real lol.

If you are pissed off of course you have the self-discipline needed to recap 3 days straight or however long the pissed off state lasts. the fire is burning. Now to work without the fire that really needs self-discipline of a tougher kind. Not that it matters which kind you have if you get it done, so Id kinda prefer the first. Being pissed off helps a lot. Now how do I get healthily pissed off?



The 'Why shouldnt I kill myself?' question. hm. I suppose this is with the idea that if I have something that I want to live for that I got to recap that, yes? Right now it confirmed something for me. Good question I find.

Thinking about how to get pissed off... it is frustrating when I cant figure out what to tackle.. maybe if that lasts for a while I will get pissed off . Either way by being frustrated by it I know clearly that Im not done, id not be frustrated if I was . Or I tend to think so atm .

P.S. Another thing that I found helpful for spotting stuff to recap/self-stalk is looking at my dreaming..

[Guest]

Quoted from Kris above, "If you don’t become a raving loon a month or two into the process, again, you aren’t doing anything."

Heh. Some might just not show others the mental breakdown. Others might do it so slowly it doesn't have the chance to make such a large impact which would create a raving loon.

Good thoughts, Kris! Great digging, keep going. Further. Push that thought, you're almost there.

[Guest]