11-25-2010, 12:00 AM
Well, the old jackwagon thread has contributed, along with some personal issues coming up just now and all the other forces that play into passing moments to some interesting developments for me in the arena of self stalking,other stalking, recap and fine humorous release.
I feel some resistance to writing this, some i don't know where to startness, some fear, and resolve to get it started.
I see myself beginning to speak what is on my mind from my heart in an arena(the forums as a whole) where it isn't always appreciated especially when it comes from a woman. Social rules and conditioning say we women aren't supposed to speak with authority so much as follow it. Social conventions lump us into a "we". Call it a Who Slot. All these Who Slots pushing together maintain the overall ap of humanity, it's not just women that are stuck in Who Slots.(it took me into the next line to see the dumbass and visually hysterical pun present in Who slot, i am leaving it because its lamely comic) So i am moving into a taboo, a liminal area with no established Who Slot and getting some resistance in the field. . Lol, I get ignored and called missy. I thank you folks who read them with an open mind, you know who you are. I thank you who resist when reading them the same(but don't let me kid ya, i dont feel thankful all the time) I also thank this situation, this feeling of tension when i go to post. I am having a hard time reading madman's posts with an open mind. I am angry because we had good conversations and then when I stalked you, you left. You are a constant stalker and you aren't used to anyone being as clever as you are. You don't like it much. The universe sometimes sends asses as lessons so I mock you. So what's your ass tryin to tell me and what kind of ass vision do i have?. One way to look at the situation anyway.
Lets see, part of the dynamic between us from my end of the view is pushing the buttons of the dynamic at play with the x step dad and me and my sisters when we were kids so this interaction is bringing up prime matter i am recapping as it comes. There is sound anger at you(the kind that keeps one from being a door mat) but also added tnt in it because this is bringing up anger from then plus projections are at play. It's the tone you take that brings him back, you often patronize and dismiss lately instead of considering what was said as in chat tonight when you asked me if i was going to start working in Morning's Mist and I told you I am working. You wouldn't take the answer as I gave it, you wanted it to be in your terms, you asked me to answer it as you put the question. In your terms it comes to your conclusions. I couldn't say I am going to start working when I am already steadily working. I told you that you knew that what is important is what one is doing not what one says they are going to do and you wouldn't acknowledge that. I know you know that. You dismissed me and began to talk to gonzo.
He was a controller and over us, he was very clever and we were children. So a lot of added force from my past. I am no longer a child and I won't be patronized and stay quiet about it.
I am a witch from the west rising in the east, an image that feels valid some of the time.
Lets see, i am getting tired but i want to write some more here, poke some more into my image of myself. I've said a lot about madman.I did read your first step post madman and i smiled when you wrote about not liking to admit you aren't don juan. I don't like to admit i am not somebody either. I catch myself believing in my narrative pretty regular, i let it go, i believe, i let i go, I believe and so on. I am a world better that way than i used to be, I didn't used to hear my ID it was so suppressed, when i did begin to hear it i didn't used to question it's validity all that much, and then for awhile i gave mostly lip service to questioning it and then two summers ago serious question and test of it, it lost, it proved shallow under weight of reality. It had me more advanced by far than I actually was for one thing. Certainly lame.It'sough habit to break. I am not as retarded as you think I am however, mr.madman
I will come back to this thread and post some more. look more into my comparing and competing.
I feel some resistance to writing this, some i don't know where to startness, some fear, and resolve to get it started.
I see myself beginning to speak what is on my mind from my heart in an arena(the forums as a whole) where it isn't always appreciated especially when it comes from a woman. Social rules and conditioning say we women aren't supposed to speak with authority so much as follow it. Social conventions lump us into a "we". Call it a Who Slot. All these Who Slots pushing together maintain the overall ap of humanity, it's not just women that are stuck in Who Slots.(it took me into the next line to see the dumbass and visually hysterical pun present in Who slot, i am leaving it because its lamely comic) So i am moving into a taboo, a liminal area with no established Who Slot and getting some resistance in the field. . Lol, I get ignored and called missy. I thank you folks who read them with an open mind, you know who you are. I thank you who resist when reading them the same(but don't let me kid ya, i dont feel thankful all the time) I also thank this situation, this feeling of tension when i go to post. I am having a hard time reading madman's posts with an open mind. I am angry because we had good conversations and then when I stalked you, you left. You are a constant stalker and you aren't used to anyone being as clever as you are. You don't like it much. The universe sometimes sends asses as lessons so I mock you. So what's your ass tryin to tell me and what kind of ass vision do i have?. One way to look at the situation anyway.
Lets see, part of the dynamic between us from my end of the view is pushing the buttons of the dynamic at play with the x step dad and me and my sisters when we were kids so this interaction is bringing up prime matter i am recapping as it comes. There is sound anger at you(the kind that keeps one from being a door mat) but also added tnt in it because this is bringing up anger from then plus projections are at play. It's the tone you take that brings him back, you often patronize and dismiss lately instead of considering what was said as in chat tonight when you asked me if i was going to start working in Morning's Mist and I told you I am working. You wouldn't take the answer as I gave it, you wanted it to be in your terms, you asked me to answer it as you put the question. In your terms it comes to your conclusions. I couldn't say I am going to start working when I am already steadily working. I told you that you knew that what is important is what one is doing not what one says they are going to do and you wouldn't acknowledge that. I know you know that. You dismissed me and began to talk to gonzo.
He was a controller and over us, he was very clever and we were children. So a lot of added force from my past. I am no longer a child and I won't be patronized and stay quiet about it.
I am a witch from the west rising in the east, an image that feels valid some of the time.
Lets see, i am getting tired but i want to write some more here, poke some more into my image of myself. I've said a lot about madman.I did read your first step post madman and i smiled when you wrote about not liking to admit you aren't don juan. I don't like to admit i am not somebody either. I catch myself believing in my narrative pretty regular, i let it go, i believe, i let i go, I believe and so on. I am a world better that way than i used to be, I didn't used to hear my ID it was so suppressed, when i did begin to hear it i didn't used to question it's validity all that much, and then for awhile i gave mostly lip service to questioning it and then two summers ago serious question and test of it, it lost, it proved shallow under weight of reality. It had me more advanced by far than I actually was for one thing. Certainly lame.It'sough habit to break. I am not as retarded as you think I am however, mr.madman
I will come back to this thread and post some more. look more into my comparing and competing.