01-10-2011, 12:00 AM
Mystery avian deaths suggest God playing 'Angry Birds'
10-01-11
MASS avian deaths indicate God is amusing Himself with a celestial version of compelling iPhone game Angry Birds.
God's iPhone supports Flash Player
Inspection
of the thousands of tiny corpses discovered across America and Europe
have revealed rubber band marks, suggesting they have been fired from a
giant catapult in the sky.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the
Institute for Studies, said: "Angry Birds is a hugely popular iPhone
game about some birds whose eggs have been stolen by some pigs even
though it is never explained why a bunch of pigs should be interested in
eggs.
"What is important is that it's marginally more addictive than a compound of crack cocaine, strong tobacco and powdered orgasms.
"Inevitably
God has cottoned onto this, and has decided to try it for Himself but
using the world as His console instead of having to stare at a small
greasy screen that melts His retinas."
He added: "While the
notion of the Earth and all its creatures as little more than a 3D
entertainment for an idle and impassive Creator may seem the tiniest bit
terrifying, we can at least take comfort in God being too inexplicably
hooked on this nonsense to do tidal waves and sex plagues for the next
few weeks."
Kentucky farmer Stephen Malley, who discovered
several hundred dead starlings on his land, said: "They appeared to have
bounced off a large ramshackle structure of planks and giant ice cubes
which had mysteriously appeared overnight to surround my pigs.
"The birds had broken their necks without causing any serious damage to the strange building.
"If
God is playing Angry Birds he needs to aim lower to weaken the
foundations, then launch an exploding blackbird at a steep trajectory,
if He doesn't mind me saying."
10-01-11
MASS avian deaths indicate God is amusing Himself with a celestial version of compelling iPhone game Angry Birds.
God's iPhone supports Flash Player
Inspection
of the thousands of tiny corpses discovered across America and Europe
have revealed rubber band marks, suggesting they have been fired from a
giant catapult in the sky.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the
Institute for Studies, said: "Angry Birds is a hugely popular iPhone
game about some birds whose eggs have been stolen by some pigs even
though it is never explained why a bunch of pigs should be interested in
eggs.
"What is important is that it's marginally more addictive than a compound of crack cocaine, strong tobacco and powdered orgasms.
"Inevitably
God has cottoned onto this, and has decided to try it for Himself but
using the world as His console instead of having to stare at a small
greasy screen that melts His retinas."
He added: "While the
notion of the Earth and all its creatures as little more than a 3D
entertainment for an idle and impassive Creator may seem the tiniest bit
terrifying, we can at least take comfort in God being too inexplicably
hooked on this nonsense to do tidal waves and sex plagues for the next
few weeks."
Kentucky farmer Stephen Malley, who discovered
several hundred dead starlings on his land, said: "They appeared to have
bounced off a large ramshackle structure of planks and giant ice cubes
which had mysteriously appeared overnight to surround my pigs.
"The birds had broken their necks without causing any serious damage to the strange building.
"If
God is playing Angry Birds he needs to aim lower to weaken the
foundations, then launch an exploding blackbird at a steep trajectory,
if He doesn't mind me saying."