07-12-2015, 12:01 AM
About a dozen years ago I thought with my dick, paying a prostitute and disregarding sensible behavior too. I had much consternation as to contracting an STD (went to doc). Instead of somehow easing my mind, I decided on castigation (not castration-lol) for my stupidity, and willingly entered a spiral of despair that was dropping me hopelessly deeper and deeper. In some twisted original notion, I trusted I should give no thought to any action to extricate myself.
Being billy, I want as habit to trump the conditional and stay on a chosen path. True, the **** and carelessness was effectively a cause. I am NOT at all immune to the conditional, so the habit is impotent concerning the conditional.
So, what gives here?
That's the thing about controlled folly; it is not a figurative thing. It's a fact that points to my meaninglessness actions. Still, the art goes to emanations bombarding me, and yet SEEING to my dispatching of them as the single choice afforded. CHOICE is reduced to my detachment as its essence. This is very powerful.
So here I was choosing not to detach from my despair, but at the same was oppositely aware of having CHOICE not to detach, and yet {AND ONLY} DETACHED from clinging to my own despair by empiricism of my choice's essence.
In this episode, it surely seems the emotional state is reaching the point of my being suicidal. (I mean to say, I did not pull back from the sorrowfully, horrific spiralling despair (nor could I as deep as I went.)
THEN, this happens: I awaken to a nightmarish phone call that comes at 3:00 A.M!! My wife's sister is crying/wailing tears and tells me that Susan's brother just committed suicide. I am immediately startled 100% out of my own depair just like that. DONE
Turns out, he did not commit suicide. This was the sich prank of one of Susan's sick sisters who belongs in an assylum. She had effectively impersonated and had identified herself as one of Susan's other sisters.
Having allowed myself this deep journey, paved the way for further exploring and comprehending that I am deeper than life itself.
Words have helped me with understanding, but I convey here words are near useless relative to the connective experiences. The abstractions need the work of practical manifesting. I LOOK for my opportunities to do this. Those adversities that are woeful to me are only so because I'm not SEEING to the choice of potentially complete detachment.
Do I take some effort to understand this, do some juliofacepalm? When I make the connection and celibrate my own sense of being, THAT is a victory over the conditional. I habitually hone this sense of my own presence using detachment opportunities, and is how I became enlightened.
By the way, turn in your report cards, or I will only write to myself. (oh yes-----i forget sometimes----- i am writing to myself)
Being billy, I want as habit to trump the conditional and stay on a chosen path. True, the **** and carelessness was effectively a cause. I am NOT at all immune to the conditional, so the habit is impotent concerning the conditional.
So, what gives here?
That's the thing about controlled folly; it is not a figurative thing. It's a fact that points to my meaninglessness actions. Still, the art goes to emanations bombarding me, and yet SEEING to my dispatching of them as the single choice afforded. CHOICE is reduced to my detachment as its essence. This is very powerful.
So here I was choosing not to detach from my despair, but at the same was oppositely aware of having CHOICE not to detach, and yet {AND ONLY} DETACHED from clinging to my own despair by empiricism of my choice's essence.
In this episode, it surely seems the emotional state is reaching the point of my being suicidal. (I mean to say, I did not pull back from the sorrowfully, horrific spiralling despair (nor could I as deep as I went.)
THEN, this happens: I awaken to a nightmarish phone call that comes at 3:00 A.M!! My wife's sister is crying/wailing tears and tells me that Susan's brother just committed suicide. I am immediately startled 100% out of my own depair just like that. DONE
Turns out, he did not commit suicide. This was the sich prank of one of Susan's sick sisters who belongs in an assylum. She had effectively impersonated and had identified herself as one of Susan's other sisters.
Having allowed myself this deep journey, paved the way for further exploring and comprehending that I am deeper than life itself.
Words have helped me with understanding, but I convey here words are near useless relative to the connective experiences. The abstractions need the work of practical manifesting. I LOOK for my opportunities to do this. Those adversities that are woeful to me are only so because I'm not SEEING to the choice of potentially complete detachment.
Do I take some effort to understand this, do some juliofacepalm? When I make the connection and celibrate my own sense of being, THAT is a victory over the conditional. I habitually hone this sense of my own presence using detachment opportunities, and is how I became enlightened.
By the way, turn in your report cards, or I will only write to myself. (oh yes-----i forget sometimes----- i am writing to myself)