08-31-2015, 12:02 AM
I am not at all preachy from my side as to demeanor. I am telling what I know rationally and empirically. I thought to start writing with more color. I DO have a personality.. lol. Cold detachment enhances 'it.'
A clarity about recapitulation struck me today. I don't believe it's as important to recap everything, as it is to recap in detail the experiences in life that were/are most abhorent to normal sensibilities.. I mean the things that really hurt and that drained you of will to live. This is where the recouping of premium lost energy should happen.
And so, recalling in vivid, detailed memory the fallout from being picked on by classmates in a Catholic elementary school throughout {it was devestating at times} was very, very sad; but, because of my intent (what recap is) to penetrate the worst moments, I found infinite joy in the sadness. The energy retrieved from my recap was enormous.
In elementary school they had learning groups with kids called Bluebirds, Cardinals, etc. I was in the group called Stupid. I had the unique situation of being very popular with the public school kids I lived with in my neighborhood, and that saved my ass. I was pretty good in sports, and the move to high school luckily changed everything.
You understand my point here. It follows that shameful moments should be the crux of recap. It is not called shame for no reason.
So then, it follows that objectifying the most intense shameful moments in the process of recapitulation should free you from the insecurities of societal judgments, self-judgements, and doubts about what you can stand. It also follows that if you gain energy here, to make sure you get the most from it. I wanted to hit a homerun. I went back after a few months, and decided to trust that I could put detachment aside, and really get the brunt of what that little boy billy experienced when it seemed hopeless. It was a brutal exercise, and I wanted no reprieve from my own self-contempt.
A few weeks in, foreboding emptiness visited nightly with the exact same startling nightmare for two weeks. As I said, I woke up one morning realizing a rather profound underlayment of peace. I knew I could never be drawn to conventional status again because that was totally unreal to me. It was not a choice at all. IT WAS GONE! I was very confused too in terms of my mechanics in the world. I was kind of lost, but the peace from within overuled my confusion. Then I SAW what a gift I had been bestowed. I was fucking detached from the world big-time, and then this way of the Warrior all made perfect sense. When sorcery was suddenly there in front of me exactly a year ago, I knew immediately something amazing was happening.
A clarity about recapitulation struck me today. I don't believe it's as important to recap everything, as it is to recap in detail the experiences in life that were/are most abhorent to normal sensibilities.. I mean the things that really hurt and that drained you of will to live. This is where the recouping of premium lost energy should happen.
And so, recalling in vivid, detailed memory the fallout from being picked on by classmates in a Catholic elementary school throughout {it was devestating at times} was very, very sad; but, because of my intent (what recap is) to penetrate the worst moments, I found infinite joy in the sadness. The energy retrieved from my recap was enormous.
In elementary school they had learning groups with kids called Bluebirds, Cardinals, etc. I was in the group called Stupid. I had the unique situation of being very popular with the public school kids I lived with in my neighborhood, and that saved my ass. I was pretty good in sports, and the move to high school luckily changed everything.
You understand my point here. It follows that shameful moments should be the crux of recap. It is not called shame for no reason.
So then, it follows that objectifying the most intense shameful moments in the process of recapitulation should free you from the insecurities of societal judgments, self-judgements, and doubts about what you can stand. It also follows that if you gain energy here, to make sure you get the most from it. I wanted to hit a homerun. I went back after a few months, and decided to trust that I could put detachment aside, and really get the brunt of what that little boy billy experienced when it seemed hopeless. It was a brutal exercise, and I wanted no reprieve from my own self-contempt.
A few weeks in, foreboding emptiness visited nightly with the exact same startling nightmare for two weeks. As I said, I woke up one morning realizing a rather profound underlayment of peace. I knew I could never be drawn to conventional status again because that was totally unreal to me. It was not a choice at all. IT WAS GONE! I was very confused too in terms of my mechanics in the world. I was kind of lost, but the peace from within overuled my confusion. Then I SAW what a gift I had been bestowed. I was fucking detached from the world big-time, and then this way of the Warrior all made perfect sense. When sorcery was suddenly there in front of me exactly a year ago, I knew immediately something amazing was happening.