10-09-2015, 12:04 AM
I am making connections right along as I write this stuff; much synchronicity for me. I haven't had a hostile fight with my wife for many, many months until the day befor yesterday. I dug in my heels knowing I had no patience for this sort of ****. So I am pretty much in the setting where I'll be out of control with anger and resentment. Still, I can temper this mess somewhat simply by my working knowledge of what this is. As conflict is tailing off, I am aware that I am still with baggage today as I attend the racetrack to bet. I have tried to be cognizant of my own compromised state so as to moderate the amounts I'm dealing with. I am not ideally tuned whatsoever, and it reels me into a mental toilet of sorts, so as I lose a considerable amount.. even as opportunities presented good chances for a positive outcome. Of course, I am resentful of my wife having put me to the test to be in such an undesirable state of mind. I was this way throughout the day even until now as I write.
Again, I have goodly amounts of space to watch apart in a certain manner. Here is the deal--- it does not matter that it was this particular unruly, nasty circumstance that visits me. Stuff like this is a dime a dozen in life, and I find myself carried along at times. Though it is my PLAY to direct and act in, I can be caught up in a part. This is the way it is.
The parts of my PLAY where there is more energetic activity, especially when the parts entail tension, stress, torment, or/and consequential choice, I have to have self-knowledge> I am not going to wake up one day and not have the tension sustaining my life--THAT'S not real.
The detachment herewith, has a quality of absorption. The waves of tension and involvement are recognized FULLY > there it is > then in wisdom I move inward with this as a consumptive motion. I eat what I see. This is a substantial action of ownership and responsibility. The intent is powerful with this practice, as nothing can own me. The whole truly is other than the sum of the parts. To say 'greater' would be to miss the point > content is irrelevant to authentic me.
These tensions I speak of, are a level above common identifiable detachments. These colour life with sentiment that often is hidden, and all the intended separation from obstacles will still leave you short of self-control. Joe (friend/'teacher') talked about this for years; I now empirically get his thrust. This probably will not be accessible to someone until after lots of detachment acumen.
I'm trying to reiterate also that my life does not significantly change. I am looking at what I will ever look at right now. I am not living in a fucking monastery. I'm billy....... ....
I will revert back to 1st person in relating things for the most part. Identify with being the one in the first tense; you'll see better.
Again, I have goodly amounts of space to watch apart in a certain manner. Here is the deal--- it does not matter that it was this particular unruly, nasty circumstance that visits me. Stuff like this is a dime a dozen in life, and I find myself carried along at times. Though it is my PLAY to direct and act in, I can be caught up in a part. This is the way it is.
The parts of my PLAY where there is more energetic activity, especially when the parts entail tension, stress, torment, or/and consequential choice, I have to have self-knowledge> I am not going to wake up one day and not have the tension sustaining my life--THAT'S not real.
The detachment herewith, has a quality of absorption. The waves of tension and involvement are recognized FULLY > there it is > then in wisdom I move inward with this as a consumptive motion. I eat what I see. This is a substantial action of ownership and responsibility. The intent is powerful with this practice, as nothing can own me. The whole truly is other than the sum of the parts. To say 'greater' would be to miss the point > content is irrelevant to authentic me.
These tensions I speak of, are a level above common identifiable detachments. These colour life with sentiment that often is hidden, and all the intended separation from obstacles will still leave you short of self-control. Joe (friend/'teacher') talked about this for years; I now empirically get his thrust. This probably will not be accessible to someone until after lots of detachment acumen.
I'm trying to reiterate also that my life does not significantly change. I am looking at what I will ever look at right now. I am not living in a fucking monastery. I'm billy....... ....
I will revert back to 1st person in relating things for the most part. Identify with being the one in the first tense; you'll see better.