11-02-2015, 12:05 AM
A caveat: This following story is about billy, his lovely (laughing) self-importance, personal history highlighted, and some irresponsibility to boot. I don't have any ideas for you to dig through. This is how I see IT (for now).
I lived a childhood anomoly. I had the best of family environs in a middleclass neighborhood conducive to positive experience; on the other hand I went to a Catholic elementary school for eight years, wherein I was pegged as stupid and bullied.
I was popular enough with my neighborhood friends (to illustrate), that they frequently helped me deliver newspapers so I could be free to play baseball, football, whatever with the group. I was very integral and had good self-esteem. Fortunately, none of my neighborhood friends were in my school class, by virtue of going to public school or being a year or two younger or older than myself.
Still, I lived a fucking nightmare in elementary school, and it took its toll. I remember one experience when 13 years old when I looked in a mirror and could no longer stand my despicable sense of worthlessness connected to school life. Fear and adrenalin overtook me, and I took an unforgetable inward journey in a stunned daze. I willed myself to disappear from existence. When I came out of this a few minutes later, my mind would not function and I was petrified. I did not know how to be billy. I was at my grandparents' with immediate family on Easter. When I was called to come where the others were gathered, I had to pretend to be real, and I avoided looking at anyone. THAT I could not do; I was close to breaking down. My grandfather was giving haircuts in the basement. I hid by the furnace until I was called by mother to come sit in the haircutting stool where I would be the focal point. Somehow I stopped the world I was in.. in that time and place nothing around me was real.
When I graduated to high school I was free from the bullying, and began to develop there, and then flourished throughout college and after-college. The extensive damage from elementary experience was forgotten until about five years ago when I engaged recapitulation. I had no fucking clue this stuff was ever in my life until the recap; I mean, it was buried.
The recapitulation brought astonishing clarity and energy, and I kept that on a steady course via detachment practice. I tried to re-live attempted self-annihilation I had as a boy, especially after I realized the very worst life experiences brought forth in recap could be objectified and would render immense joy. SADNESS is beautiful-- don't you know? (...it is there to make you laugh-Don Juan).
Now you begin to understand why I was able to continue on a 'radical' path through shame into an emptiness experience. I'll say over and over, the philosophical negation of self-importance is a ruse to let you see unmitigated self clearly. I am more self-important 'billy' than I ever have been. Personal history spices expansiveness of the spirit and nuanced PLAY within a full scope controlled folly.. provided there is detachment and no self-importance images and personal history images to protect.
Note I say, "images." I think I am very real.
Soon I will describe more of the initial emptiness experience I had a few years ago, and relate what transpired thereafter, prehaps including 'overview' ideas.
I lived a childhood anomoly. I had the best of family environs in a middleclass neighborhood conducive to positive experience; on the other hand I went to a Catholic elementary school for eight years, wherein I was pegged as stupid and bullied.
I was popular enough with my neighborhood friends (to illustrate), that they frequently helped me deliver newspapers so I could be free to play baseball, football, whatever with the group. I was very integral and had good self-esteem. Fortunately, none of my neighborhood friends were in my school class, by virtue of going to public school or being a year or two younger or older than myself.
Still, I lived a fucking nightmare in elementary school, and it took its toll. I remember one experience when 13 years old when I looked in a mirror and could no longer stand my despicable sense of worthlessness connected to school life. Fear and adrenalin overtook me, and I took an unforgetable inward journey in a stunned daze. I willed myself to disappear from existence. When I came out of this a few minutes later, my mind would not function and I was petrified. I did not know how to be billy. I was at my grandparents' with immediate family on Easter. When I was called to come where the others were gathered, I had to pretend to be real, and I avoided looking at anyone. THAT I could not do; I was close to breaking down. My grandfather was giving haircuts in the basement. I hid by the furnace until I was called by mother to come sit in the haircutting stool where I would be the focal point. Somehow I stopped the world I was in.. in that time and place nothing around me was real.
When I graduated to high school I was free from the bullying, and began to develop there, and then flourished throughout college and after-college. The extensive damage from elementary experience was forgotten until about five years ago when I engaged recapitulation. I had no fucking clue this stuff was ever in my life until the recap; I mean, it was buried.
The recapitulation brought astonishing clarity and energy, and I kept that on a steady course via detachment practice. I tried to re-live attempted self-annihilation I had as a boy, especially after I realized the very worst life experiences brought forth in recap could be objectified and would render immense joy. SADNESS is beautiful-- don't you know? (...it is there to make you laugh-Don Juan).
Now you begin to understand why I was able to continue on a 'radical' path through shame into an emptiness experience. I'll say over and over, the philosophical negation of self-importance is a ruse to let you see unmitigated self clearly. I am more self-important 'billy' than I ever have been. Personal history spices expansiveness of the spirit and nuanced PLAY within a full scope controlled folly.. provided there is detachment and no self-importance images and personal history images to protect.
Note I say, "images." I think I am very real.
Soon I will describe more of the initial emptiness experience I had a few years ago, and relate what transpired thereafter, prehaps including 'overview' ideas.