11-03-2015, 12:05 AM
When you recapitulate in earnest, trust me that the experiences which took your vital energy away were ones that involved resentment. This is what has to be penetrated to clarify the simple presence of being alive and reclaiming a vital S E L F> Capital letters S -E -L -F for authentic being.
Marital disintegration, and the utmost magnitude of unbridled hatred was happening. I wrote simply to maintain sanity, and this morphed into detailed recap without my conscious intention. I quickly realized what Don Juan was talking about, especially that it only takes an idea, and the spirit will respond. I had SO MUCH energy for months and months and months. Seemingly INCREDIBLE energy.
There were small 'effective miracles' taking place throughout the rollercoaster of my marriage sometimes gone raging crazy . Mostly, on that count, my wife was totally rejecting me. This was very, very, very, very painful. Yet, recap showed me definitively the self-destructive, energy draining quality of resentment. Recap showed me that nothing in my life is about other people; it is about my essence. I began to feel connected to my own body; I could feel its radiance. Thereafter, my marriage rewarded me more often than not.
I wanted to challenge the existential states of pain I recalled having as a little boy, and I set out to regenerate those feelings of worthlessness in myself and profusely attempted negation. I'll tell you, though I understood there was an underlying detachment, I brutally abased my sense of being in privacy for several weeks. I began having a short, recurring, ever identical nightmare. I've never know such intense foreboding; it reeked of death. About ten consecutive nights this happened. One morning I woke up knowing this was over. It was very strange in that I was free from the import of a world. In fact I was free of anything whatsoever. I had no clue what to do, as nothing mattered enough to reflect on. My emotions began to run wild and without direction (they would settle after a couple weeks). Yet, underneath was a stupendous peace deep within. I did not care that I had no direction or idea of control, as I could return at will to this underlying equanimity. {I can draw on this even now as I write} This peace, is the emptiness/indifference I often mention. It has become a canvas for dynamic action. It is also why am able to steadily post here.
This quality too made me very receptive to serloco's ideas beginning just over a year ago. It was as if I were waiting for him (or vice versa).
Marital disintegration, and the utmost magnitude of unbridled hatred was happening. I wrote simply to maintain sanity, and this morphed into detailed recap without my conscious intention. I quickly realized what Don Juan was talking about, especially that it only takes an idea, and the spirit will respond. I had SO MUCH energy for months and months and months. Seemingly INCREDIBLE energy.
There were small 'effective miracles' taking place throughout the rollercoaster of my marriage sometimes gone raging crazy . Mostly, on that count, my wife was totally rejecting me. This was very, very, very, very painful. Yet, recap showed me definitively the self-destructive, energy draining quality of resentment. Recap showed me that nothing in my life is about other people; it is about my essence. I began to feel connected to my own body; I could feel its radiance. Thereafter, my marriage rewarded me more often than not.
I wanted to challenge the existential states of pain I recalled having as a little boy, and I set out to regenerate those feelings of worthlessness in myself and profusely attempted negation. I'll tell you, though I understood there was an underlying detachment, I brutally abased my sense of being in privacy for several weeks. I began having a short, recurring, ever identical nightmare. I've never know such intense foreboding; it reeked of death. About ten consecutive nights this happened. One morning I woke up knowing this was over. It was very strange in that I was free from the import of a world. In fact I was free of anything whatsoever. I had no clue what to do, as nothing mattered enough to reflect on. My emotions began to run wild and without direction (they would settle after a couple weeks). Yet, underneath was a stupendous peace deep within. I did not care that I had no direction or idea of control, as I could return at will to this underlying equanimity. {I can draw on this even now as I write} This peace, is the emptiness/indifference I often mention. It has become a canvas for dynamic action. It is also why am able to steadily post here.
This quality too made me very receptive to serloco's ideas beginning just over a year ago. It was as if I were waiting for him (or vice versa).