12-08-2015, 12:08 AM
I really should write a book so development is in a fuller context, but I don't want to. I am inclined to share things here I deem inappropriate to do elsewhere. I have a combination of experiences unique to most others. My life was often on parallel tracks of opposite self-esteem stimulus. I was praised; I was mocked. I was chosen first; I was rejected completely. I was loved; I was hated. I amazed; I choked. I succeeded uniquely; I failed in common. I was around persons who tore me down, and I was around others who profoundly reinforced me and built me up.
But I want to talk of specific 'spiritual' (that fucking word I hate using) manifestations out of context. In high school I was coaxed by a priest to attend an overnight Catholic retreat with a few invitees.
This turned out to be one of these happenings where people speak in tongues and finally all the persons there 'melt' (wash over with incapacitating joy) enmasse upon the descent of the 'holy ghost.' In hindsight, I have disdain for this kind of experience because I want a billy in control, yet I can acknowledge this is as an extraordinary perceptual shift.
The mind's door was opened my senior year of college. I was feeling down, and a bible on someone's desktop beckoned. The words spoke to me with an underlying force I could never explain, especially given I disliked the bible.
I had something like an immediate transformation. When I woke the next morning I knew something was different.. I had this unwavering certitude. Zen and Zen-like literature was suddenly there before me and I moved the spirit (or it me) for many many months. There was love at first sight, a few LSD trips, and many inexplicable occurences involving the moving of those around me. When the love affair with Maureen ended a half year later, my mind gradually was lost, and I sunk.
I graduated college that year and got a substitute teaching job in a large high school where I met Susan. She was stunning to see.. so gorgeously endowed. {I mean, her 3 younger sisters were all to be beautiful high school homecoming queens, and she made them pale by comparison. (Then there was that she was exceptionally intelligent and in college by age 17), but more than anything else, her voluptuous 37-23-36 figure and aloof aura exuded sexuality.. OMG, she was way more than the appearance or imagination too. Oooohh.
Though reserved, Susan had natural grace and was witty and comfortably in control all of the time.
She was just out of college. She attracted the men. The male staff at the large high school numbered about sixty or so. I would learn in bits and dribbles that nearly half of them (many married too) unsuccessfully hit on her.
When it became assumed I was Susan's boyfriend, it brought perks. Being a substitute teacher led to lots of natural interaction, you know.. inquiry about class behavior and that sort of thing. There were many teachers that would come to me the next day. I was flirted with and touched constantly. A few were quite bold (asking to meet). Now I just cannot leave out this next story.
One day this smallish, timid looking female approaches me in the hallway. {her math classroom happened to be next to Susan's English class-- and I don't know if maybe she heard through the walls or what-- since, a few time Susan had locked the classroom door and pulled me into the corner so I could play with her ..... (though windows to the parking area left no cover there)}
Anyway, the math teacher had it all thought out. She does no introductory small talk, no hello, no nothing. {animated, smiling, terribly nervous} Here is what she tells me:
"I am (full name). I live_ _ _ _ (address)
You don't need to remember. I am in the phone book. It would be romantic if you climbed the tree next to my room and came through the window some evening. (nervous laugh) I don't think you'll be able to do that. (pause to look at me) I always leave the side door open. My upstairs bedroom faces the east."
She turns and walks away. I know she has spent much of her energy to say this. She wants for me to visit, and enter unannounced, to ravish her.
Now taking a step back. Susan actually laughed under her breath when I first asked her to go out with me somewhere. I persisted at first asking, and she then accepted and gave me her phone number. The date did not go well, and I saw Susan as being way over my head.
I expected her rejection next ask, but was able to coax a date. Susan cut this meeting short. Politeness was correct, but dry. I have not even kissed her.
I had begun praying to God. It is not something I have ever done in earnest. I have this painful desire for want of Susan. I am coming apart, not sleeping. I beg God if only he would give me Susan or take this misery of desire from me. I cannot bring myself to call Susan after the way I was left to hang out to dry. It is like asking to be shown the most luxurious piece of jewelry at NY Tiffany, when all I have is ten dollars in my pocket.
I ask anyway.
Susan refuses my offer. I am embarrassed, but I am somewhat relieved of the obsession, though the hurt. I think I have managed to get 'k (okay) out to say goodbye.
As I'm to hang up the phone, Susan truly DOES STUN me, "You can come to my apartment Friday night at 7:00 for a couple drinks." She does not say more, I CANNOT say ANYTHING. Susan then hangs up without a word.
It was understood I was coming.
It was understood really who was in control.
She knew I would come and ........
This can become as lewd as I would want to tell the truth.
Oh My God
to be continued...
But I want to talk of specific 'spiritual' (that fucking word I hate using) manifestations out of context. In high school I was coaxed by a priest to attend an overnight Catholic retreat with a few invitees.
This turned out to be one of these happenings where people speak in tongues and finally all the persons there 'melt' (wash over with incapacitating joy) enmasse upon the descent of the 'holy ghost.' In hindsight, I have disdain for this kind of experience because I want a billy in control, yet I can acknowledge this is as an extraordinary perceptual shift.
The mind's door was opened my senior year of college. I was feeling down, and a bible on someone's desktop beckoned. The words spoke to me with an underlying force I could never explain, especially given I disliked the bible.
I had something like an immediate transformation. When I woke the next morning I knew something was different.. I had this unwavering certitude. Zen and Zen-like literature was suddenly there before me and I moved the spirit (or it me) for many many months. There was love at first sight, a few LSD trips, and many inexplicable occurences involving the moving of those around me. When the love affair with Maureen ended a half year later, my mind gradually was lost, and I sunk.
I graduated college that year and got a substitute teaching job in a large high school where I met Susan. She was stunning to see.. so gorgeously endowed. {I mean, her 3 younger sisters were all to be beautiful high school homecoming queens, and she made them pale by comparison. (Then there was that she was exceptionally intelligent and in college by age 17), but more than anything else, her voluptuous 37-23-36 figure and aloof aura exuded sexuality.. OMG, she was way more than the appearance or imagination too. Oooohh.
Though reserved, Susan had natural grace and was witty and comfortably in control all of the time.
She was just out of college. She attracted the men. The male staff at the large high school numbered about sixty or so. I would learn in bits and dribbles that nearly half of them (many married too) unsuccessfully hit on her.
When it became assumed I was Susan's boyfriend, it brought perks. Being a substitute teacher led to lots of natural interaction, you know.. inquiry about class behavior and that sort of thing. There were many teachers that would come to me the next day. I was flirted with and touched constantly. A few were quite bold (asking to meet). Now I just cannot leave out this next story.
One day this smallish, timid looking female approaches me in the hallway. {her math classroom happened to be next to Susan's English class-- and I don't know if maybe she heard through the walls or what-- since, a few time Susan had locked the classroom door and pulled me into the corner so I could play with her ..... (though windows to the parking area left no cover there)}
Anyway, the math teacher had it all thought out. She does no introductory small talk, no hello, no nothing. {animated, smiling, terribly nervous} Here is what she tells me:
"I am (full name). I live_ _ _ _ (address)
You don't need to remember. I am in the phone book. It would be romantic if you climbed the tree next to my room and came through the window some evening. (nervous laugh) I don't think you'll be able to do that. (pause to look at me) I always leave the side door open. My upstairs bedroom faces the east."
She turns and walks away. I know she has spent much of her energy to say this. She wants for me to visit, and enter unannounced, to ravish her.
Now taking a step back. Susan actually laughed under her breath when I first asked her to go out with me somewhere. I persisted at first asking, and she then accepted and gave me her phone number. The date did not go well, and I saw Susan as being way over my head.
I expected her rejection next ask, but was able to coax a date. Susan cut this meeting short. Politeness was correct, but dry. I have not even kissed her.
I had begun praying to God. It is not something I have ever done in earnest. I have this painful desire for want of Susan. I am coming apart, not sleeping. I beg God if only he would give me Susan or take this misery of desire from me. I cannot bring myself to call Susan after the way I was left to hang out to dry. It is like asking to be shown the most luxurious piece of jewelry at NY Tiffany, when all I have is ten dollars in my pocket.
I ask anyway.
Susan refuses my offer. I am embarrassed, but I am somewhat relieved of the obsession, though the hurt. I think I have managed to get 'k (okay) out to say goodbye.
As I'm to hang up the phone, Susan truly DOES STUN me, "You can come to my apartment Friday night at 7:00 for a couple drinks." She does not say more, I CANNOT say ANYTHING. Susan then hangs up without a word.
It was understood I was coming.
It was understood really who was in control.
She knew I would come and ........
This can become as lewd as I would want to tell the truth.
Oh My God
to be continued...