12-08-2015, 12:08 AM
Just let's say, Susan became the perfect petty tyrant to learn from (almost literally from the bottom up/ smile) Susan's parents and close aunt had high aspirations for her. I was a substitute teacher and unstable horse player. Susan saw no future with me and became conflicted as first I lived with her. She wanted me to leave/and not. This led to exquisitely insane (almost sado-masochistic) sexual dynamics) I am tempted to print the descriptive detailed narrative from out of my book {from Enlightened Cuckold (1st version) to SHAME OMG DELICIOUS}. If I do, it won't stay up here for mre than a day.
Anyway, as I pursued my desired vocation to bet horses, there were many shifts in the relation. Horse playing has been the center point of my tonal. My first mirror gave me the grounding and encouragement there too. Though I had the literal physical experience of death-ground, it was the physical/psychological experience in death-ground that happened in horse racing that I draw from most.
I was in the fire at a race meet (rented condo and all), losing all I had at a point in life that delineated clearly, that if I were to continue and fail, it would surely result in a most horrible life. Without question, Susan would have sensibly moved on without me. I understood in a compressed moment (just like seven principles of stalking, though I certainly did not think, "Oh Geez, I'll do the CC thingy.") that I was actuallyin the fight for my life. I recognized if I could not choose to risk profound failure then neither could I EVER choose a freedom to become..
My ONLY freedom was in that moment to CHOOSE. Fear dictating a decision at that point would be fear controlling the rest of my life. I SAW that. I remebered why I was there, why I rented a condo, my understanding of what grounding really is. I KNEW I was in deathground. That I live or die (fate), or how I lived or died no longer mattered. All of everything was my decision. It was a very powerful thing.
All of the negativity around me disappeared, and I was at peace. Then I battled and won.
Susan married me the following year; my Summa Cum Laude (smile) daughter was born the year following.
There are so many GREAT stories passed over, but I'm only wanting to give a skeletal frame.
I would meet my 2nd mentor, and I profusely advanced my awareness. Reason was so sharp, and the tonal was in near perfect order, and I would experience nirvana for several hours at one juncture. I was on an uninterupted super-duper high for over half a year. There was virtually no thing in my path that did not manifest auspiciously. When Alonzo left I could not sustain my course because I lacked the necessary detachment. Life was not at all bad per se, but slowly I slipped from keener awareness and I was not fully in control. This was made clear in a huge marital dissension a decade later that 'forced' me to recapitulate through writing (I hardly ever wrote before this). The recapitulation, as I say, brought FANTASTIC energy, which now that I think of it, was necessary to face emptiness.
Then a couple years later, I find serloco on this site. Over a year later, here I am writing this.
Anyway, as I pursued my desired vocation to bet horses, there were many shifts in the relation. Horse playing has been the center point of my tonal. My first mirror gave me the grounding and encouragement there too. Though I had the literal physical experience of death-ground, it was the physical/psychological experience in death-ground that happened in horse racing that I draw from most.
I was in the fire at a race meet (rented condo and all), losing all I had at a point in life that delineated clearly, that if I were to continue and fail, it would surely result in a most horrible life. Without question, Susan would have sensibly moved on without me. I understood in a compressed moment (just like seven principles of stalking, though I certainly did not think, "Oh Geez, I'll do the CC thingy.") that I was actuallyin the fight for my life. I recognized if I could not choose to risk profound failure then neither could I EVER choose a freedom to become..
My ONLY freedom was in that moment to CHOOSE. Fear dictating a decision at that point would be fear controlling the rest of my life. I SAW that. I remebered why I was there, why I rented a condo, my understanding of what grounding really is. I KNEW I was in deathground. That I live or die (fate), or how I lived or died no longer mattered. All of everything was my decision. It was a very powerful thing.
All of the negativity around me disappeared, and I was at peace. Then I battled and won.
Susan married me the following year; my Summa Cum Laude (smile) daughter was born the year following.
There are so many GREAT stories passed over, but I'm only wanting to give a skeletal frame.
I would meet my 2nd mentor, and I profusely advanced my awareness. Reason was so sharp, and the tonal was in near perfect order, and I would experience nirvana for several hours at one juncture. I was on an uninterupted super-duper high for over half a year. There was virtually no thing in my path that did not manifest auspiciously. When Alonzo left I could not sustain my course because I lacked the necessary detachment. Life was not at all bad per se, but slowly I slipped from keener awareness and I was not fully in control. This was made clear in a huge marital dissension a decade later that 'forced' me to recapitulate through writing (I hardly ever wrote before this). The recapitulation, as I say, brought FANTASTIC energy, which now that I think of it, was necessary to face emptiness.
Then a couple years later, I find serloco on this site. Over a year later, here I am writing this.