Hope

[serloco]

Yes I understand that without a self you have no true volition. That is why Silvio Manuel had don Juan to guide his volition. Being the full will of the world removes such volition. He found himself not wanting to do anything at all even tho he could do anything. He had no desires and no wants. I have been very close to this position however I always leave myself a small amount of volition.

I am happy because I have great things to look forward to in my life. Things I want to do and things i want to accomplish. I wouldnt want to lose that. I was King of my world for many years. I can control people and make them move to my will. I have a great deal of personal power. HOwever as you say I lost the desire for power. I dont want to control someone anymore. I dont want to create new worlds. I have lost all my desire for the things that used to drive me. I want a long and healthy life. I am sick of seeing people "move" under my command. It makes me sick. Its ugly and its wrong. I dont enjoy working with volitionless allies anymore although in the beginning it brought me total control and power. I loved every minute and taking over the world was a daily routine. Seeking power over everything was what used to drive me. Nowadays I want to meet someone and love them for who THEY are. Not because of my will to make them what I want. It sounds like a dream to me. I have been telling people for so long what to do , what to think, how to be. Nowadays I am repulsed by all my old powers.

Truth is I dont feel love for any woman. I do not crave it anymore. It is a novel idea I know, and I think I should but truthfully I lose interest so fast. The fact is I am a seer. I see most often. And when I am seeing I have no desire to mate. I have no desire for companionship. I feel the spark sometimes, the excitement, but it never lasts. I think the long years of being in the iob world has ruined my love for women. I see them now, as pure beings, and they alienated me severely. I dont want my girl to know everything about me, all my secrets , my thoughts etc. Yet my awareness has been so long embedded into the iob world that even outside of it my awareness can get trapped into my old ways. I have spent the last two years fighting to remove my iob awareness and it has been tough. A real struggle. I am so alienated by people. Yes, that is why I have no desire to mate. I found the iob women to be.. well... not my type. I just am not attracted to movers. Oh I do hope that i can remove the rest of iob awareness from my mind and body. Like you say, I have hope.