04-26-2014, 12:00 AM
I do spend a fair amount of time wondering how messed up I am, how much of the time it is my problem and what I can do to change my approach as opposed to wanting others to do my bidding. I am finding at the moment a very strong urge to have conversations I would not dream of having with real people and by that I mean people I know. Is the internet a kind of shield from having to really face people?
One of my problems is I genunley think I am better than others. When I go to a music night these days I really do rock out. I try to give it my best when I perform and can usually knock it out the park and I think this must be a good thing. It always used to make me feel funny when people come up to you after a show and say how great you were. The only proper reply is thank you and a smile and I am currently thinking that people only say these things becuase I want to hear them. I beleive a large part of beleiving I am a good performer comes from the the approval of others. When I picture myself against the competition I genuinely think I am the best.
I do appreciate other performers and the paradox is I do not really think I am better than anyone else at all when they are playing. I never used to be this way, at a gig I would think only about myself for the whole night but being less selfish just makes life more fun so I enjoy giving attention and adoration to others.
For me the way I think is a wall. I had this once perfect image of what a warrior was going to be and then the point comes when you have to look at how you think and say hhmmmm the way I think is wrong. This is as far as I have got with this in 5 years or so.......
One of my problems is I genunley think I am better than others. When I go to a music night these days I really do rock out. I try to give it my best when I perform and can usually knock it out the park and I think this must be a good thing. It always used to make me feel funny when people come up to you after a show and say how great you were. The only proper reply is thank you and a smile and I am currently thinking that people only say these things becuase I want to hear them. I beleive a large part of beleiving I am a good performer comes from the the approval of others. When I picture myself against the competition I genuinely think I am the best.
I do appreciate other performers and the paradox is I do not really think I am better than anyone else at all when they are playing. I never used to be this way, at a gig I would think only about myself for the whole night but being less selfish just makes life more fun so I enjoy giving attention and adoration to others.
For me the way I think is a wall. I had this once perfect image of what a warrior was going to be and then the point comes when you have to look at how you think and say hhmmmm the way I think is wrong. This is as far as I have got with this in 5 years or so.......