12-20-2010, 12:00 AM
It has recently occurred to me that when I look around at my life that my life is telling a story. A story that I have formed and fashioned over many years and with the help of many people. In stepping outside of my I am I see that I am what I have created, and I am what I have believed. I have also noticed that I will go to any length to keep that story from being proven wrong. Subtly oh so subtly. This is why it is so important for me to recap daily, and to do autolysis. I can also see this in others, which is really just me seeing it in myself. I had a nasty bickering with my darling husband last night. I was so angry that he did not do what I had asked him to do. I was so angry that he did not take care of me...no one has ever taken care of me...then at 0330 this morning, I woke up...I had a terrible neck ache...I was so angry I clenched and slept wrong and got a kink in my neck. So to punish my husband I got up (who was I punishing again?) and I mulled the incident over and over in my mind. I felt how hurt I was I experienced the anger again and again...then, in a moment I knew what was the real issue. I was reinforcing my own story of who I am. Very subtly...very sneaky of me. I should never have left that responsibility with my husband...its not his job to make me safe secure or take care of me. Its his job to be him. Its my job to take responsibility for myself, for I am the only person that really matters, and the only person that I can control. This is but one example of finding Mu (which is my new thing btw) by rooting out the story that I tell myself, keep what works, shitcan the rest.