12-22-2010, 12:00 AM
Its like I have 2 completely different minds. One is completely unafraid
(even of dying) and the other one has a multitude of fears. And there
is a constant battle between them. I know which voice is closest to me,
more real to me and it is the fearless one.
However
there is a part of me that wants to belong here in the community, to
society, to share and be part of what everyone else is experiencing.
Because of this desire I try to walk a path that includes both. So I
still listen to the mind that appraises everything according to the
shared reality, values and judgements held by society. Its the part of
me that wants to remain 'sensible' according to the wider social
paradigm in which I live and run a business. But so often the commentary
of this mind is at odds with the other voice, the quieter wiser and
deeper one.
Take
this weather situation for example. The 'sensible' mind is having a
freakin' fit at the negative effect on the cash flow, at me continuing
to employ the men through this who are working at about a third of the
pace due to it being minus 8 today!!!! But in my heart of hearts I know
we will get through this, that there is nothing to fear, everything will
be alright....I can spend the spring making up for it, and pay the
bills then. Giving them work right now is more important. Because I care
about them deeply.
However for that deeper part of me, the scary thing is for me, is that
'alright' for it might include the business ceasing to exist!! Yes! That
part has other ideas about what thriving constitutes. In fact according
to it, letting the business go might be the best thing. And I don't
want that. Not that I think it does think that right now, but that's the
sort of disregard it has for the material world. For it nothing stands
in the way of progress, that of living a fully authentic life.
So
the 'sensible' mind is terrified of giving up itself to this fearless
mind. I am scared of giving it up, because it is unpredictable where it
will take me, and may have me make decisions that
So here we have the crux of this conflict for me. Following spirit means
not holding onto anything at all. And I want to hold onto some things
that I like. Does that mean that I am living a compromise? Yes. Does
that sit well with me? No. I want to follow spirit wherever it leads me
in full trust. But I'm scared to. I'm scared of the changes this will
create in my life. I am again reminded of TS Elliots words.... "a
condition of complete innocence, costing not less than everything".
I have had so many many experiences of listening to the loud voice of
the socialised 'sensible' mind screaming at me with its fears and
concerns....only to find out that that was all they were, fears, and in
fact everything turned out perfectly and those fears were based just on
fearful imaginings. So I have progressed in that I dont listen to it
much now, though I give it a say when I am seeking inner counsel on
things.
It sees everything in black and white and always misses the subtle
nuances. And because I dont listen to it it means I am alone and have to
keep my own counsel. Being alone is a challenge for me. I know inside
we are one really. But I dont put as much weight on the rational ma=ind
as everyone else. And I cannot seek counsel from anyone around me on
most matters because they all share the socialised fearful mental
concerns that sound oh so rational when you give them a chance to air
their views. And when I do forget this and listen to them, then it only
strengthens that part of me I am trying to subdue beneath the wiser
voice and directives I have.
Its
a raging inner conflict. And business brings it to the fore. I am
trying to exist in 2 worlds simutaniously. In this business I am like
the mother, that cares for and nurtures the guys. Can I afford to care
and still follow the promptings of spirit? I am scared to follow spirit
more than I am right now. But I want to. And I know it doesnt
necessarily mean 'giving up' anything.....but........it might.
On this issue of feelings. I like caring. But I'm aware it can and does
interfere with economic progress. Can you be a boss and really care?
People keep saying to me, 'you're in business to make money at the end of the day'.
That is the type of counsel one gets from those who only have one mind,
the mind of the dominant social paradigm. That's not why I am in
business actually.
I
like creating beautiful gardens. I like the learning opportunity in so
many ways - of making friends with responsibility, of making decisions,
the challenge of having a foot in both worlds (inner and outer,
spiritual and material), I like not having a boss, I like the whole
experiment of it. I like getting better at it. I like how my time is
free. I like how every garden is different. I like dipping intimately
into peoples lives out there (the clients) and I enjoy seeing how people
live. Oh yeah! and I like having money. See, its the last thing I
thought of there. Its hard for me to get motivated or excited about
making money. What does excite me about it is that having more money
would present a whole new set of variables to deal with and enjoy
exploring.
(even of dying) and the other one has a multitude of fears. And there
is a constant battle between them. I know which voice is closest to me,
more real to me and it is the fearless one.
However
there is a part of me that wants to belong here in the community, to
society, to share and be part of what everyone else is experiencing.
Because of this desire I try to walk a path that includes both. So I
still listen to the mind that appraises everything according to the
shared reality, values and judgements held by society. Its the part of
me that wants to remain 'sensible' according to the wider social
paradigm in which I live and run a business. But so often the commentary
of this mind is at odds with the other voice, the quieter wiser and
deeper one.
Take
this weather situation for example. The 'sensible' mind is having a
freakin' fit at the negative effect on the cash flow, at me continuing
to employ the men through this who are working at about a third of the
pace due to it being minus 8 today!!!! But in my heart of hearts I know
we will get through this, that there is nothing to fear, everything will
be alright....I can spend the spring making up for it, and pay the
bills then. Giving them work right now is more important. Because I care
about them deeply.
However for that deeper part of me, the scary thing is for me, is that
'alright' for it might include the business ceasing to exist!! Yes! That
part has other ideas about what thriving constitutes. In fact according
to it, letting the business go might be the best thing. And I don't
want that. Not that I think it does think that right now, but that's the
sort of disregard it has for the material world. For it nothing stands
in the way of progress, that of living a fully authentic life.
So
the 'sensible' mind is terrified of giving up itself to this fearless
mind. I am scared of giving it up, because it is unpredictable where it
will take me, and may have me make decisions that
So here we have the crux of this conflict for me. Following spirit means
not holding onto anything at all. And I want to hold onto some things
that I like. Does that mean that I am living a compromise? Yes. Does
that sit well with me? No. I want to follow spirit wherever it leads me
in full trust. But I'm scared to. I'm scared of the changes this will
create in my life. I am again reminded of TS Elliots words.... "a
condition of complete innocence, costing not less than everything".
I have had so many many experiences of listening to the loud voice of
the socialised 'sensible' mind screaming at me with its fears and
concerns....only to find out that that was all they were, fears, and in
fact everything turned out perfectly and those fears were based just on
fearful imaginings. So I have progressed in that I dont listen to it
much now, though I give it a say when I am seeking inner counsel on
things.
It sees everything in black and white and always misses the subtle
nuances. And because I dont listen to it it means I am alone and have to
keep my own counsel. Being alone is a challenge for me. I know inside
we are one really. But I dont put as much weight on the rational ma=ind
as everyone else. And I cannot seek counsel from anyone around me on
most matters because they all share the socialised fearful mental
concerns that sound oh so rational when you give them a chance to air
their views. And when I do forget this and listen to them, then it only
strengthens that part of me I am trying to subdue beneath the wiser
voice and directives I have.
Its
a raging inner conflict. And business brings it to the fore. I am
trying to exist in 2 worlds simutaniously. In this business I am like
the mother, that cares for and nurtures the guys. Can I afford to care
and still follow the promptings of spirit? I am scared to follow spirit
more than I am right now. But I want to. And I know it doesnt
necessarily mean 'giving up' anything.....but........it might.
On this issue of feelings. I like caring. But I'm aware it can and does
interfere with economic progress. Can you be a boss and really care?
People keep saying to me, 'you're in business to make money at the end of the day'.
That is the type of counsel one gets from those who only have one mind,
the mind of the dominant social paradigm. That's not why I am in
business actually.
I
like creating beautiful gardens. I like the learning opportunity in so
many ways - of making friends with responsibility, of making decisions,
the challenge of having a foot in both worlds (inner and outer,
spiritual and material), I like not having a boss, I like the whole
experiment of it. I like getting better at it. I like how my time is
free. I like how every garden is different. I like dipping intimately
into peoples lives out there (the clients) and I enjoy seeing how people
live. Oh yeah! and I like having money. See, its the last thing I
thought of there. Its hard for me to get motivated or excited about
making money. What does excite me about it is that having more money
would present a whole new set of variables to deal with and enjoy
exploring.