untitled

[Billy]

EVERYTHING     IS    a    decision.

[Billy]

Remember, I'm only 3 years old.

[serloco]

Lol, I told you i would keep a pc with me... I do not know how long i will be around.. if my business picks up then i will run it for a while, but nothing can keep me tied down for long.. the trip is inevitable. i want deeper magic and deeper nagual.. i want to be free of many things i am not currently free of..

yes the song is beautiful and right on the money,, the flow, the currentsee!

[Billy]

"EVERYTHING     IS    a    decision."  (what a fucking crock of ****)     I am going to have some of my freaky fun.  I am going down Derekh into this self-doubt.  I'll emerse so deeply that I slither out, if i surface at all.  Ego and a multitude of unknowns are to be part.  I really only want this for a few days, so I detect that this is not a complete abandon. 

   As i write, I am on my way.   I feel very peaceful but am already touching much of what self-doubt subsumes.  Elements of depression, self-pity, despair, hopelessness--I'm smiling because I find it so hard to trick myself--but OMG the flavors right now are yummy (a word i know you like to use).  

Ooh la' la' ...  la' la'    doubt is my only guardian---   i might destroy myself  (seriously).  


serloco---"yes the song is beautiful and right on the money,, the flow, the currentsee!"

[url]http://www.youtube.com/v/JYivAnh9rTQ&ve ... tube_gdata

[Billy]

You cannot take a word I say 'seriously' anymore.

[serloco]

Everything can be a decision. Anything may be anything. If you can reach the position where everything is a decision then you will have mastered controlled folly.

[Billy]

[Billy]

Good boy Derekh.

[Billy]

As you can see, I backed off (released) a little differently this time.

I created new space very quickly.    I deleted my sins.  (I like the delete button here).

[serloco]

C'mon billy talk to me. I am very bored, and I do not like your disappearing ink.. lol.. You must trust your actions and learn to make every action as it is.. Yes you are fluid and so you do change, but you must like yourself, and perceive your actions as purposeful and reach the state where you can flow and trust how you flow.. I am the same way, or used to be, I used to overthink things and perceive my past actions with regret. Learn self-trust and do not be so hard on yourself. You ARE very hard on yourself. A perfectionist indeed, but learn to see the perfection in yourself and in the moment now. Learn perhaps to play more, you do like to play I know, and so do not take your actions so seriously.. What does it really matter anyways?

[Billy]

Okay, yeah I will erase stuff here, (some of yours to maybe/lol/true).

It is like some times my wife's ****.  The stimulation is too much--too much pleasure--   so then she wants more, ONLY by being fucked NOW.  

Suppose I don't accomodate?

That's kind of what I am going through existentially.  I'm getting MORE than enough, yet my desire is excellerating at the same time.  What is good, is that I stay fairly wholesome.  I mean the trick yesterday... "drowning myself" (I'm laughing)   If I really did have pain--even tragedy--I am turning it!  (maybe not in that moment, say something happened to my daughter, but would turn even that nonetheless)  So when neither fear or doubt or pain has bearing, what then?  (BIG smile)

SEE Derekh.  Get used to disappearing ink here, LOL!

[Billy]

You KNOW i am resorting to taking myself off my edge.  I want no discipline, so yesterday I had some wine,  or  I masturbate, or I wash the floors, or I distract myself with SOMETHING.

I don't feel it as if I am cerebrally too quick, but I SEE I am outside the silent DESIRE, desiring indiscriminately, and I am willing to go with that for now.

Yeah, I am out of control.  So I write, or do ---I don't think anything is wrong--BUT i am impulsive now.  I like then, I don't like.

[Billy]

It is immensely pleasurable talking to you.  I can assume inferior, superior, equal--makes no difference.  Definitely erasing this later.

[Billy]

I have deadened myself too- A LOT.  Still, in my confined world, synchronicity is pointing to sorcery left and right. 

Also, my dreams are often of myself in power.

I mention these dreams because they are explicitly of power, and I never had such dreams ever.

[Billy]

So a few years ago there was a month that my wife searingly hated me with no abatement following all out war.  When I finally turned her rejection of me, there were a few weeks of complete reversal in Susan's demeanor, and she finally had sex with me a couple times, though hardly enough for the timeframe if you count MONTHS of Susan having frozen me out.

   I planned this short vacation for a fabulous Marriott resort on Marco Island. {EXPENSIVE}  So, a few weeks before, I got on my knees and meakly asked if she might have sex with me once sometime in the next weeks before leaving.  To let you understand my station at this point, Susan exploded on me, and even used a dagger to say, "if I was expecting her to have sex with me on the Marco Island vacation she would not go."
   The WHOLE point of this {EXPENSIVE} luxuriously ROMANTIC resort was some intimacy.

When she said that, I flipped out---the pain was unbearable.  I went and got a revolver, (adrenalin gushed and I was really scared with it in my hand that I might commit suicide), I went out in front of Susan and put it to my head.  (I tought better of it immediately, but too late)  I NOW was in much worse relational position.  I told her how sorry I was and that the gun wasn't loaded (which was a lie). 

   I was sooo fucked.  I could not do any detachment because it meant accepting I was not having sex with my wife on Marco Island (or anywhere or anytime).  My mind refused to accept THAT reality.

I had to go with accepting 'I could not accept' and to know I was going to suffer excruciatingly.

[Billy]

https://www.google.com/search?tbm=isch& ... 1200%3B766

So, I have done everything.  Limo from airport.  Best of rooms with spectacular view.  Pre-arranged Dom Perignon brought to our arrival beach lunch. 

Susan conspicuously brushes away any of my subtle affections.  We have moved to the area in featured pic.  Sun is setting.  There is a romantic tiki bar area just to left off picture.  I have had tons to drink and the couples around all obtaining to the signs of intimacy the environment calls for.  

  It is incongruous to me, and I am wishing to not be here in this paradise-- I am out of place with Susan refusing simple touching gestures.  I am ready to cry and finally practically blubber having lost constraint in a mini-tirade.
  Susan, pauses for timely affect.  Locks eyes with me.  "Don't worry, mommy will give you exactly what you want."   Do you realize she turned my world to paradise instantaneously?

[Billy]

From my book:  
For anonimity called Susan-'Sharon'

"Sharon's three younger sisters all were, or would be high school Homecoming Queens.  They were all smart and beautiful. 
 
   Sharon stood well above them; she had what they had in spades.  (I ask what her measurements were.)  They were an incredible 37" 23" 36".  And, let me tell you the 37'' was to a slender upper body and shoulders.  OMG her tits were gorgeous.  Sharon's 5' 7" figure was STUNNING!  


   Sharon had generous facial beauty, and a gracious carriage.  She had faultless language skills, charismatic expression of her uniqueness, and always, without fail, was poised and impeccably presentable.  She took care of herself.  
   On top of that, Sharon was witty and precociously intelligent; she was in college by age of seventeen.  But more than any of these, Sharon was voluptuously, sexually attractive.  Men that were allowed within her purview, doted on her, and fawned all over her." 



   I was in awe of Susan (and so were most men), and she was faithful.  It was quite a prize trophy I wore.  Females were irresistably attracted to me with her in the picture.

[Billy]

So when Susan temporarily disposed of me the first year, I was devestated.  Fled police one night and crashed.  I Called Susan from jail; she reluctantly took me back in.  The day I adjudicated doing 70mph in a 25, running all stop signs, and leading police on a high speed chase I met my 'teacher.'

Susan became possesive, and he would try to free me of all my bonds (her in particular).  Oh, and I turned the table on Susan too (where she begged for me).  Yet a dozen years later he was my 'best man' and only person at our elopement far away.

[Billy]

You are right to rise above evil.  My teachers had failings, but were genuine--- and they were ultimately persons to trust.  Their hearts were bigger than their flaws.  It makes sense you should be like that also.

If so, this is three persons and myself-makes four.

That's it after 62 years on earth.  People lie to themselves.  There is no one behind who you are actually talking to.

No one can threaten my relation with you.  I KNOW THAT

I could make fun of you, or conversely in 'lover's' quarrels--smiles and smiles. 

Hey, I am practiced in dependency relationships that hold water.  When, I first introduced PLAYING with your mind, I knew I could--as you could with me.  I do NOT worry about you running off forever.

So, you like the way I can flip.  It would be boring if I wasn't capable.  It isn't the time yet, but trust me it IS there for you.  I don't care how fucking (saying nicely) nagual or detached you are either.

AND, don't think for a second I underestimate your power as nagual.  THAT is why I am so sure of myself that I will do these things-- because you ARE FUCKING WORTH it.

[Billy]

This first 'teacher' Joe was a character.  His uncle was higher-up mafia.  I met him after he got out of the penitentiary after serving six years.  I told him I thought his nephew Joe was a nice guy.  He was dead-pan replying, "he is a nice guy when he is sleeping."

  Joe had a lifelong gambling problem.  As a boy, he had borrowed money from a small-time loan shark who put the screws to him with bodily threats when he could not pay up.  His mom talked to her brother, and the loan shark and another with him were offed on a golf course. Joe was in Catholic seminarian training later in the Catskills.  He actually was a lover with one of John Gotti's mistresses.  OMG, she was the toughest, most irreverant woman I ever met.  She spoke whatever she felt.  She had a son, who was a very very handsome and likeable boy.  Joe ruined him--he became a gambling addict and could not stay above water though he had sales jobs doing well over six figures.
   Joe could help anybody who had problems.  He knew what was what.  Many people came to him for help that way.  But, he was a power player too, and I knew him to cruelly diminish someone in other relationships a couple times (but NEVER family).  Where I was concerned, when I was a pitiful and inconsiderate human being, he always rose above and opened the door, again and again and again.  He was demanding that I learn.  When I did not want to learn, he left an empty cavern and disappeared physically.  When I was ready again, he put me first.  He really did that.  I'm not lying.  He made sure I was safe, though he himself was vulnerable.  His mark: BE DECISIONAL.

[Billy]

I spent more Chrismas Eve's with him than my with my wife or own paternal family.  He was alive.

Joe said I had an uncanny gift to take (knowledge, arts, etc.) from others and make it my own.

[Billy]

What?  Now you're being hard to get?  I'll leave out the smile, the lol, an indicator, and from now on you'll have to guess my tone or be omni.  This one time i am sincerely begging you to talk to me.  Hmm, or maybe not.

Oh screw that.  So, I want to tell you a step I just took this last hour.  I realize rationally that everything you talk about is the only sensible position I can have.  I mean I was leaning so empirically, but the rational element now makes everything more digestible.

[Billy]

I have not entirely lost the position that talking to you is talking to myself.  I suggest you draw to this too for yourself.  That will make things easy.

[Billy]

serloco wrote:C'mon billy talk to me. I am very bored, and I do not like your disappearing ink.. lol.. You must trust your actions and learn to make every action as it is.. Yes you are fluid and so you do change, but you must like yourself, and perceive your actions as purposeful and reach the state where you can flow and trust how you flow.. I am the same way, or used to be, I used to overthink things and perceive my past actions with regret. Learn self-trust and do not be so hard on yourself. You ARE very hard on yourself. A perfectionist indeed, but learn to see the perfection in yourself and in the moment now. Learn perhaps to play more, you do like to play I know, and so do not take your actions so seriously.. What does it really matter anyways?
OMG help me.

[Billy]

Trust my actions and like myself, huh?  I'm a fucking twerp.  I had to break into an office to steal tests to graduate from college and I'm proud of that.  I was going to tell you a long list but what does it really matter anyways?

I DO like myself, especially when I can attain to fantastical mind-generated pornography of perversion and being little and belittler.  Despite conventional wisdom to the contrary, like thinking I did not have to work from age fifty on, I DO like myself.   I am riding natural highs--I CAN'T COME DOWN (not that I would want to!)-- and I feel compelled to say I am without redemption, because even the fucking devil parted ways with me.

   Oh I'm sure there are a list of GOOD things too---what for?  Good for who?  I read that quote and SAW unadulterared truth about the things I need to fix.  I'll fix them SEE SEE.  I SEE that I should become crazier than I am.  It isn't like getting something off my chest here... it is who I am.  I LIKE it too, and I want no restraints.

   When I took calls from sisters reminding me of a summer lunch they will take me to, I thought, I want to go alright, but I am going to tell them I won't sit with them.  The prospect of sitting with stupid unaware (DREAMING) people is loathesome to me.  I like my wife and daughter, and can tolerate a dying Russian who worked for me long ago.   I don't like people.

The universe is a giant ****.  I like CUNTS a lot.  I don't even want to be consistent anymore; i can contradict myself.  I AM SHARP.  When I go out I watch how I can move women now.  Have not done that consistently in over thirty years.
     I am not being Being hard on myself now, am I?

BUT, you were EXACTLY right---you ALWAYS are!