Battle of my life

[serloco]

I think the quest for freedom begins whenever you want. Not only do we seek freedom but we must choose to live freely, as if we are free already. We all have a certain amount of freedom to begin with and that must be sought, expanded and embraced. Live freely and also seek more freedom.

[glance left]

Yes, that resonates totally.  There's a link within, no matter the circumstances....racist or pious priest, natural born nagual or Joe Blow who grew up watching the Dukes of Hazard, spanking his wank to Momma's JC Penny magazine.  That acorn of freedom is in there somewhere and can be focused upon and can gain gravity once cohered around for however long it takes to gather critical mass. 

Movement of the AP....deep within.  To the epicenter.  The makes sense in terms of gathering oneself in a way around a magnetic center....all disparate parts being pulled into/toward that center.  Ah, jeez!  Here's that feeling again....the compulsion to pace around to get away from it....but I just have to sit in it.  I remember trying to press inward.....just to be done with it (my own Men Staring at Goats moment, I guess).  Impression was I would either burn with the fire from within or give myself a heart attack trying.  Of course, I didn't have the stamina for either.  This witch, off to the side was laughing at me, dancing around in her crow's feather cloak with bone rattle staff singing, "The only way out is through!  The only way out is through!  The only way out is through!"

This morning, in gazing meditation, I saw a cross section of the earth.  Crust....mantle.....liquid center within which the crystal ball of pressurized iron spins.  All those concentric circles aligned and spinning freely around one another, creating this magnetic field that, in my view, looked like a perfectly spherical nimbus of rainbow colors cloaking the earth.

[glance left]

Yesterday, gazing into the void.....I see a blue portal....a hole with blue energy shining through.  It was being pressured on all sides, around its circumference by this rock formation that was machine like in its organization.  i.e. it was tan rock....seemingly rigid....but when it pressed inward, it fractured apart and reorganized itself in a way that constricted the aperture down even more.  It was trying to close the hole altogether.  I felt compelled to prop it open!  So I broke myself apart and flew upward infiltrating into the seems between the machine like part of the rock iris constricting progressively inward.  Once stationed between the seems, I felt my being dilate....separating the rock fragments and restructuring it so the pupil of the portal again dilated outward.....not by much....but a little bit.  Then, I felt the intelligence of the force trying to close the hole change tactics....breaking the inner circumferential rim into triangular shale fragments which shifted, effectively side stepping the outward pressure I was previously placing on the seams.  I had to adjust, slipping into the new seams and again re-exert circumferential outward dilation force to keep the blue hole open.  This back and forth went on and on...constant adjusting and readjusting.....all to hold the door.......hold the door.....hold the door.

Hodor!

Hodor!

Hodor!

[rosygyro]

For me the known within recapitulation can become a sort of stalagmite which if I don't resolve becomes penetrative of my being.
It can be cellular and molecular or classically anal the way it does this.
Totality and recapitulation seems to contain this systemic stalagmite and I feel as though fluidity is stalagmite avoidance, but then if I try to contain my earlier knowledge it becomes stupid rock anal again.
I just try to make sure the stalagmite is my own earlier ignorance being powered by the systemic known and certain that it's not some fruitcake trying to expand his being across a divide that has natural organic rights written all over it.
I try to keep it pretty zen and my level of making sure I am not protruding stalactites into other people's caves is second to none- forebearance I call it.

[glance left]

I thought the recapitulation was all about going back and dissolving the rigidity/reactivity engendered within those moments in our past?  From what I understand, the first pass is "anal" as you say......a formal list, reverse chronological order. Nose to the grindstone stuff. But subsequent passes become more formless.  The progression becomes lighter....more gentle.....less of a death grip.  

DJ said something about that....something along the lines of the grip of the warrior is like iron in the beginning....but loosens and becomes light as gossamer as time goes by.  I can't remember the exact words 

"I try to keep it pretty zen and my level of making sure I am not protruding stalactites into other people's caves is second to none- forebearance I call it"

  No disrespect to all the hard work you've done.  But is statement is kind of funny lol.

[rosygyro]

There is a level of human sexuality which seems to deduce that boys are born penetrating girls, that girls are born penetrated by the male, as if there is no tantric edge to sexuality.i.e no natural virginity.
This is the result of aeons of heterosexual reproduction, the habitual assemblage point over time has created a ghost pattern of the heterosexual lock which effects the next generations tonal.
Those who reject outright this systemic heritage eject the ghost protocol, but by default fall onto the deep west of lesbianism and homosexuality by polarity. They find escape from the corporeal heterosexual ghost but instead find two stream also aeons old of non reproductive sexual heritage.
Frued would call it a rejection or resistance to sexual attraction to the parents.
My own area of research is within the ghost itself and where the habitual sexualities of rape and child abuse exist.
The sorcerers world is a way to change the systemic patterns within the mass habitual.
But it drives you insane to try. Ahh well.

[glance left]

Yikes!  I have difficulties enough having to face my own personal inner issues....my distortions of sensuality, all born from being molested as a child.  I can't imagine diving into the heart of darkness and dealing with the predatory force on that scale. 

I wonder if dealing with the energies involved on an abstract level....on the level of "energy as it flows in the universe" would help diffuse the whole-sale nightmarish element of the task?  To unravel the perfusion of hellish 2nd attention imagery which must be inherent in being engaged in something like this?  IDK...just thinking of ways to be effective without the perpetual horror show....if something like this is even possible.

[rosygyro]

It is horrible.
I pioneered the path out of a kind of guilt, friends were molested or raped and I could " see" the intent of those who had done it as a kind of thorn, I wanted to pull the thorn out. This led me to stalking, but as I couldn't rape or molest in order to fashion an actual thorn to withdraw, I had to take it down from the inside.
It created massive psychosis for me.
If you imagine for a moment that I have been stabbed with a crystal clear thorn , the hilt of which is a kind of glass window through which you can see my insides. Now imagine the rage and pain ( primal scream) of every cell of me that is touched by the thorn, displaced from its natural peace as screaming through that viewing window.
Well I walked up to rape and abuse victims, up to that little window and felt all the hate as I tried to pull a thorn I never manufactured out. (Shivers)
What I was trying to achieve was a kind of selective exorcism , but as all possessed cannot differentiate where possessing entity and authentic self exist separately , every single strike I beckoned through the viewing window hit me squarely even though I was not in personal history GUILTY.

[rosygyro]

So basically I felt like a deranged piece of **** for quite a while.

[glance left]

If you don't mind me asking....what shifted for you during this process of diving into this hellhole?  In terms of "that was then and this is now" kind of thing.  Implication seems to suggest that the whole endeavor has become more bearable for you, somehow? 

A story came to mind, reflecting on your endeavor (I got a brief taste of what you've endured, I think, upon reading and looking into it with what capacity I have as a nascent seer (a clear blade pushing past/through a tightly packed crowd of screaming mouths/faces...and then the feeling with it.....pretty shocking/horrific).  Don Juan mentioned the pressure upon watching his son die, if I remember correctly...down in a pit crushed by construction equipment....bleeding out (is this right?  I swear I read this somewhere in CC's books but I can't find the story now).  He witnessed the whole scene, watching impassively, but did so by shifting his awareness between seeing the 1st attention presentation and seeing the 3rd attention presentation of what was happening....as "energy that flows in the universe".  I'm not trying to be flip.....or offer something which may represent a cop-out.  Its just that, from what I understand, seeing energy directly....as an abstraction....is really the "truest" representation of what is actually going on.  And also has the benefit of removing the psychic "horror" of what is going on in these extreme circumstances.  From that perspective, it may be kind of the "Zen" version of resolving "suffering" from a Buddhist point of view.  A way of penetrating through perceived suffering to see the "liberated" view which deals strictly with the energy of suffering instead of the nightmare of suffering. 

IDK....again, most of this is speculative from my view.  I'm not sure if being able to shift views like this would be beneficial.....or would actually diminish/dilute what you are trying to do.  It just seems like its too much suffering for any one person to endure in order to help humanity....to help usher in the shift you seem to be speaking about.

[funnyguy]

How would one help humanity by suffering himself?

From my experience I've learned to endure pain through suffering and learned a thing or two about dealing with states such as those in myself and others. Having space around those states helped me see that I can indulge in them or watch from the back and not get affected by the feelings and thoughts and others around if that's the case. It is a way towards achieving something but I'd say there is a better way. After all what should be pursued is the opposite of indulgence and abandon in the face of forces such as those.

There's no doubt hunger, suffering, love or even hate can move the AP, however, I tend to think the best approach is unbending intent.

That reminds me of DJ saying that if a warrior needs to eat he finds a way because he is not hungry. To abandon oneself to hunger or suffering is essentially the same in my opinion and one is no longer a warrior if he makes that decision.

What's the difference between a man who does not feel bad witnessing misery and suffering and one who was not like that originally but learned to be so?

[glance left]

Unbending intent.....yeah, that's ultimately the answer.  And, of course, it looks good....so obvious!...on paper. 

Everything changes, though, when I'm actually in the thick of it, where the rubber meets the road.  When I'm being truly pressured....crushed, even. 

Confidence tempered with humility

[funnyguy]

If you mean your unbending intent changes when you're under pressure doesn't that mean that it's not really that unbending?

Don't get me wrong unbending intent doesn't happen off the bat but when it does it doesn't change unless you tell it to. I've heard it takes some people a lifetime to achieve it and sometimes they fail.

I'm not really talking about confidence in any form.

I mean you kind of repeated an example of what I was talking about above. Of oneself indulging or abandoning to the forces instead of opposing them.

[glance left]

Well, I guess you're right about that.  I can't really speculate about unbending intent unless I have it for sure.

[funnyguy]

From what I've seen when I'm truly against the wall anything becomes possible it is the time to act not take into account my feelings, thoughts or emotions. There is of course a choice yet I tend to think that a warrior would not choose to give up or waste his time in pettiness when the knife is dangling overhead.

Do you recall the story about the two cats?

We all have intent what makes it unbending is being consistent in the initially set intent that's all.

[glance left]

"Go, Max, Go!"  Yeah, I remember Max the cat...and his bid for freedom.  Something about "having to believe that he made it"....or something along those lines.  Even though nobody knows what happened to Max the cat when he dashed out of that car door

Thoughts?

[funnyguy]

I think Max had the knife to his throat and realized that and decided to act the first chance he got. Whatever happened after that depends on as DJ likes to say personal power. Choosing and having to believe were not in the context of what I was trying to express.

The idea of the whole story was to stop and consider that you may as well be like the other cat and not like Max. And that as I said we have the choice give up and indulge in pettiness or act.

[glance left]

So, one might say that one's capacity for unbending intent in the face of varying degrees of pressure inherent in circumstances depends on one's personal power at the time

[funnyguy]

I'd say ones ability to survive depends on personal power and that if you choose not to have an intent to survive at all you're most likely not going to.

And unbending intent to me is just like saying consistent intent but it sounds more dramatic saying unbending. It's the capacity not to let circumstances, pressure, feelings, thoughts or anything else affect your intent. Having personal power definitely wouldn't be an adversary to your (unbending) intent.

[glance left]

Yeah agreed. 

"The chance to have a chance"  What a phrase!  That's all that's assured.  Oh well...might as well focus the whole of my capacity, whatever that might...my growing personal power....on those seemingly impossible odds.  I think "having to believe..." is kind of the crux....but I can't explain why.  Humility is key, too, I know....filling in for that vast expanse and accumulation of forces out there of which I have know idea WTF.  Without question, I am outmatched.  And yet........

[glance left]

[funnyguy]

I like the way you said it, I just wouldn't call anything impossible but it clearly presents the point.

I do not think that having to believe is the crux either I think there's a lot more going on then just belief and humility but they're definitely a part of the process.

[glance left]

Sigh....I always paint myself into a corner with conversations like this.  I mean honestly, how important are these kind of debates, I ask myself.  Ego says, Are you sewious?!  It's life or death!!

Yes...it's not just about belief and humility.  It's about all of it, as you imply.

Its about....

Ruthlessness
Sweetness
Patience
Cunning
Sustained action in the context of unbending intent
Creativity/imagination
Fearlessness
Detachment
Being serious, yet not taking myself seriously
Humor
Flexibility
Formlessness yet remaining grounded
Seeing
Stalking
Dreaming
Being alone
Seeking help
Energy and form
Inner silence


And so much more, I'm sure.  All of these elements finding their place, revolving around an abstract core state of awareness.  I have got so much work to do.  Practice, practice, practice as you suggested to Warfcat. 

I better get back to it

[funnyguy]

I did not see this as a debate. I was just sharing how I see it. I agree.

[glance left]

I know....its my perception that I must address...thus the impetus to simply speak for myself. 

Onward!