absolution

[Guest]

i was meditating last night attempting to have an experience of oneness with the absolute, my mantra became 'become one with the absolute' and i felt this energy spiraling upwards and in time with the rhythm. i intended the absolute to be all powerful and i gave God the power to move me and guide me.
i felt and saw my energy body, it was like a blueish energy, a fleeting almost shadow like texture and i could perceive that it was particles loosely bound together, but with tiny gaps in between, that was perfect and felt like it formed the perfect shape around my body yet could be anything it wanted, im aware that it is me as everything that it did i did in unison. it smiled and i did, but the most perfect smile and one that i can even feel and produce at will now. for a long time i set a frown and it might sound silly but i need to remember to keep this smile going.
i fully understood the remark that dj makes when he's instructing on dreaming, 'let your energy body do it!'
i see how this is done, i smiled without a thought, it wasnt a command, it was something else, i let my energy body do it. i gave my energy body the power to heal myself and i felt this happening in real time. i felt what it would be like to be in the presence of the absolute, and the security that pure experience brings. i need to do more meditation in my daily life to enhance this experience and make it active within my daily life. i also realised that the energy body is our connection to the abstract, the absolute, it is the mediator, and i am always trying to derail its intent unintentionally, my connection with spirit is not quite perfect as yet, yet i know that it is off balance but now i feel that i have the power to make this connection permanently active.
i see how sorcery is like a progression but it isn't, it seems like learning techniques really im only learning to move my ap, and to have cohesion in new positions, it seems like i came from a mundane world without magic and am moving into a world where magic is active and all around me, yet, it isnt a progression like learning how to tie your shoe laces, im learning to be fluid enough to move and work with my energy body, im moving my ap, the world conforms to the description imposed.

[Guest]

im reading a lot of the previous posts here, there's a lot of info and it's helping me a lot.in meditation last night i saw how it was utterly easy to notice changes in the environment through halfclosed eyes / blurred as DJ suggests, there was all sorts of strange effects and i could see what i can only describe as fleeting trails of energy. i am attempting to go from sitting meditation/inner silence to dreaming seamlessly and i found that as i was trying this all sorts of intent came to me, the first of which was trying to see energy as it flows. there are a lot of things i want to work on based on the posts i've been reading and what has been interesting to me is the fact that all i had to formulate my ideas on all of this was the work of CC, and what if i got stuck following a didactic device instead of the real instruction.
i got this from http://sorcery.yuku.com/topic/3190/Sorc ... n-reviewed
so what ive been attempting to do is get back to the basics, 'we are perceivers' is something that has struck me as important, it is the basis from which to work from, and can be applied if you're talking about 1st, 2nd or 3rd attention.
im not going to claim to be a super warrior / sorcerer / master of 3rd attention. my goal is to achieve the totality of myself having only a vague idea what this means, i see how this is a good goal to work towards.
i want to frame everything that im doing within the context of 'perception' and what i am doing is moving my ap in different ways to perceive differently. i want to learn the art of perception so to speak, and become adept at shifting and holding.
this is the best course of action for me, i feel that as long as i stick to learning to move ap then all of the rest of the things i want to achieve will happen by themselves as a effect of moving the ap.
i am asking ally to help me move my ap and show me what is happening, and i am receiving intent coming to me voluntarily.
i walked past some new signage placed directly on my way to work, 'the best thing about memories is making them'this has many implications within my world, memories are becoming more fluid (i used to see them firmly fixed in the past with no possibility of affecting/altering them), and i see how even though a memory has already been created that  i can still make them conform to the way i want to see them, i can alter the way i view the memory or alter the memory completely and i can create new memories in the past that affect my future, the possibilities are endless. and also this applies moving forward, to create new memories in the moment, like the original post here, i created those memories using intent to perform a particular feat, i mean i had no previous experience of this and now i have made these memories i can apply what i have learnt in the future through recalling these memories.
like when dj shows cc how to start dreaming, he says
"In this particular instance, since we're talking about the first gate of dreaming, the goal of dreaming is to intend that your energy body becomes aware that you are falling asleep. Don't try to force yourself to be aware of falling asleep. Let your energy body do it. To intend is to wish without wishing, to do without doing."Accept the challenge of intending," he went on. "Put your silent determination, without a single thought, into convincing yourself that you have reached your energy body and that you are a dreamer. Doing this will automatically put you in the position to be aware that you are falling asleep." from art of dreaming
this is making memories in the moment, i see how intent, dreaming and memories are all connected.

[Guest]

yesterday seemed to be a day of death of the old / birth of the new, seemed to be reflected everywhere i looked. was very interesting as some things happened which gave me a completely new perspective on life. as well as things ending i caught glimpses of the birth of new things, people in love, new opportunities, new things.
i opened the curtain and startled a fox, quite a big one, just milling about in the street. i became aware of all my movement and started meditating, i knew that he had only ran down the alley and seemed to want to come back. i waited as i watched him moving further away down the alley til almost out of sight. i could see him turning his head every so often. i distracted myself for a bit then moved silently to the window and sure enough, he started coming back. i remembered what serloco mentioned about how animals can be allies, and so i intended communication with the fox. he seemed not to be aware of me, i got the idea of going out into the street but thought i would probably just scare him again. i watched as he sniffed the ground then jumped thru a fence.
animals and people, in fact everything is not the same in my world. as i have become a part of the mystery, people are no longer fixed, people are fluid magical beings who have the power to see my situation and speak to me directly. as opposed to before where i was just a guy wandering round a mundane world with people who i (cringe) cast as 'idiots', absolutely shocking. i learnt a while ago that everything we say and do is of importance because we shape our worlds this way, obviously, but it wasnt so obvious to me, i was very judgemental and carried on even when i learnt that this is not impeccable, it was a hard habit to shake. i never really consciously dropped this habit, my world just changed completely and now everyone i meet is a magical beautiful being and i am in awe of people now. i listen intently to what they say as it speaks to me in ways i cannot describe. like last night i was hanging out with some friends that i previously explained i had a strange old time with at one point in my life, now that my perception has completely changed i feel much better in their company and have only ever had traces of what was, fleeting memories of the weirdness of it all, but it doesnt affect me now. im totally calm and collected and i dont repeat the same mental processes which caused the weirdness, therefore it doesnt manifest any more. sometimes i see how the world tries to trick me into falling into my old patterns, but i am aware of this and simply do not act upon it, i let the thoughts come and go without attaching importance.
and remembering what serloco mentioned, i sort of got an idea of how these magical people move me, and how i can move them through intent. the universe placed a beautiful girl in my world with the same name as a previous gf (one that lasted most of my life, it was love but we both had many problems, it wasnt working), how could i not fall in love at first sight? this is not the same as anything i have felt before, as i am completely detached, i have no need to pursue a relationship or even to take any action, i have never been in love with someone and simultaneously had no desire to 'go for it' if you will. at first it was different, i did fall into old patterns but quickly realised my mistakes and stopped. now i will just let her be who she is, not trying to move her at all, i know she is a magical being and potentially could be a great seer / telepath (i dont know how i know this but i do, without any doubt), i see stars in her eyes, she could be the most famous woman on the planet.
sirius was so bright and flashing beautifully all night. since i started mapping the sky at night (recognising constellations etc), i am in awe of sirius, it really catches my eye, changing colours and always so big and bright. i intended communication whilst in meditation and perceived some unusual effects but nothing amazing as yet. it is something that im interested in and so i will continue whenever i get the chance.
as i mentioned before, i was reading a old post (sorcerers explanation reviewed) and thinking about the way i have been moved by CC / DJ, and to what extent i have misinterpreted the teaching there, how it couldve been compounded by my research into other magical traditions, in short, what have i done, what am i doing, what has happened, and what should i do moving forward. and i was thinking that after reading this forum for years, and sorcerers world (QS forum) before that, how i have been changed by all of your thoughts/ideas/mental processes, and everything all became a little clearer to me.
i see that the universe will provide answers to my questions, its not that i have or am misinterpreting things thats the issue, i will learn in my own time and will be guided in the unfolding of my own path, i neednt worry about such things. all i need to do is intend to progress and continue to act on the suggestions of spirit. in a way i can't go 'wrong', even if i take a wrong turn, 'things always turn out for the best', and i will learn even more sometimes through this.
i mean i was even worried that what i was saying here was just copied from other people (as a lot of things i say seem similar to things that i have read) and it was irrelevant, etc, etc. i now see how using this forum is very beneficial to me, i even feel others sending me positive thoughts...i have never really consciously developed my telepath abilities, but it is something that i feel being enhanced within my experience, and that i am getting there.
i am still unable to recall my dreams that well (i had fleeting memories of some amazing things i was doing in dreams last night this morning tho), and am not sure that i have even crossed the first gate yet. i realise how my meditation is helping to bridge the gap between my waking life and dreaming, and i will continue to practice every night until something gives, but the solution i feel is that i need to focus on intending to dream during this meditation time, i need to drive the point home that i want to be aware of falling asleep and direct all my effort towards that. i have realised that intending something is sometimes a matter of just doing it, even if you never done something like it before, and i feel that i will make progress some time soon.

[Guest]

what am i even doing? my world is magic. my friend candidly spoke of his telepathy ability without even realising, he seems to be lost in science and i kinda want to tell him but why? everyone seems to have excellent potential, just unrealised, will they get there? or are they well aware, are they just hiding as magic is socially a weird subject, or are they aware and they want me to kno yet they dont want to openly speak? there are many possibilities, i dont even care about them. a lot of times i have to remember the power of letting go of questions. also, there is no generalisations, everyone i meet is an individual, an instance, a grain of sand just like me. just i see so much pain and suffering that people seem to be putting themselves through, i help in whatever ways i can, in the moment, i can be a teacher, but i have learnt so much on my own, i have worked and am working more than ever, i put in the time and if others dont want to then, all i can do is smile and wish them the best, maybe they will see that the effort is worth it one day. i like being a student a lot, i am a student of God, of the universe, of everything, and i learn so much all the time, i forget a lot, i forget to mention so much but there is no way i could. this is just a reference, something i will probably look back and laugh at , i already do.
i almost remembered things from my dreams, it will come with time. i got to a point where i know exactly what i need to do so i'll just keep doing that. i remember reading about Philip K Dick's spiritual experience where he mentioned that at one point something else took over, i see it as Spirit, check the toon version by Robert Crumb, it's great.
http://www.philipkdickfans.com/resource ... weirdo-17/

[Billy]

transitions, you are coming out of your skin.  I am smiling.  World is magic?   OF COURSE!!! I mean, I know how happy you can be.   I know I am.  LAUGH my fiend!

[Billy]

correction>  FRIEND  FRIEND lol

[Guest]

fiend is good as well billy. im well aware of how this is not the most exciting post in the world, it is fun for me tho. im learning of my ignorance. for a long time the world wasnt magic, or i should say it was magical but i felt that the magic was against me, and to be fair i was ignorant and depressed in years of self pity it was literally pathetic, so it was really the opposite, the world was against me cos i hated things. the one constant in my life is playing the fool, like dj said im a expert at fooling myself. i have only been reading castaneda for twelve years. this was the introduction to the world as a magical place. before that i was religious in the sense that i knew God existed and i found God would help me in some points in my life but most of the time i was deeply worried and would always be searching for a reason why God seemed to have put me in the positions i found myself. im sure that for a while i didnt believe that magic even existed, that this world was completely mundane, it is like i held two opposing worlds, but couldnt resolve things. so i had weird beliefs about God and magic, that masked the world that i lived in and made it seem mundane. it has been /is difficult for me to remember this and apply it, ive made a new intent to learn faster tho, as i feel i am way behind, in the sense that theres so much more i could have done over the years.

[Guest]

well this post is weird, but i guess i am learning, i laugh a lot at the stuff i wrote, ah well.
i decided to do more posting, and didnt know where to start and figured  a recap would be fun. my dreaming is getting better, im starting to recall a lot more, however i know that i need to focus more, and practice more. this is where dreaming attention comes into play, and im just starting to learn how to use this effectively. by this i mean that i feel that i can act with my energy body more, so i am dealing with energy in terms of energy, and i am able to shift my ap fluidly, i can hold whatever position i need to and am getting better at this. self-stalking has been the key to this, i am good at this and i like the archetype of the hunter, i see that these two abilities hunting and dreaming are constantly at play. letting the ap drift with dreaming and stalking the position. i do this in my waking life a lot and since it was made aware to me that i have a natural talent for it, i find it difficult to see why i find dreaming so difficult (even though this might seem obvious).

i know that i must use my imagination more (lol) and so i have decided to do more writing exercises, like philip k dick used to do - for his books he used to imagine these worlds and put the characters there, test out different situations, destroy the whole world and then bring it back in a different way, when i heard this described i knew that it was possible for me to do this easily, since id actually done things like this when writing in the past - and i am as always. writing lyrics and music. i played civilisation recently, on serloco's recommendation, and found that this was a great way to time travel (ie be completley absorbed in a game for around 12 hrs, and make it seem like it's only been 1 hr it has been a great game for me since the first one came out, i love it, and i was impressed by the evolution of the game. this game really helped me to use my imagination more, and i will be playing some more soon. i have a much more fun time with skyrim though, i think this game is great for sorcerers, even if it is 'tonal' ****. i thought it was funny reading back what i wrote on imagination / dreaming before, i know that most of the stuff i wrote is semi-legible madness but i felt that this part was interesting at least.

Feelings - wise, i am getting better at reading peoples energy and dealing with energy in terms of energy for example when i sing along to a song i am almost matching emenations i guess, as i listen to the voice and go for those particular inflections, i sometimes put on the accent and use the same textures as they do and match the voice more accurately but this takes away from my natural voice so i only do this to practice singing different ways and more importantly texture, as i want kind smooth but at the same time rough around the edges, the best example for me is billie joe from green day. i had a few singing lessons a few months ago and this really helped me to find my voice from the stomach.  i had been practicing for a while but it was only about a week ago that i actually made the intent firmly that i would learn to sing well and nice and that it would be easy for me, i used the energy of my negative thoughts (telling me my voice was never goin to sound good - HA!) into a intent that i would not give up and that i would focus all my energy into learning to sing well - Once and for all! it's funny i learnt that dreaming happens when you give it purpose, dreaming attention blooms when you give it purpose. it may seem obvious, but when it clicked for me i (rememberd/ knew) learnt how to sing in like a couple of hours, that night i was literally in heaven singing all my favourite singers and doing it so well.

[Guest]

[Guest]

my connection with God is amazing, and i feel the need to mention this as it is unusual, i mean cc was practically athiest. i remember a time when i was reading a lot of cc and didnt know what to do with this feeling that i have had all my life that God is here with me and has been looking out for me at all times, some times i just chose to ignore that. talking with serloco i have felt my connection with God enhanced, matured. my connection to God became a power or a source of energy, i feel like God has taken me out of time and space on a number of occassions, i have talked with God. this is not self importance, it is not difficult, and this is natural for me, i know that anyone could do this. i participated in an ayahuasca ceremony with a shaman and this was very much a unification for me with God and Spirit. i felt that aya, i see her as a female spirit, connected with me numerous times before the ceremony and gave me the strength to follow my own way and eased my fears completely. aya touched me, held me for a long time in her arms during that ceremony, and i felt that she is a strong protector of everyone. a powerful force that seems to be friendly with humans i guess. the shaman spoke of her as almost deity, and told us how her connection has helped humanity for a very long time, and she is just so subtle that she doesnt care to take the credit for the work she does. and so through the power of aya i saw the 'spirit world', i journeyed in the second attention, i have yet to recap the majority of the experience, it will come with time, what i was left with was a sense of protection. i know that aya is my protector as well as my ally and God, and i feel a connection with her - mainly through the hauntingly beautiful melodies of the aya songs (youtube ayahuasca shaman songs or whatever... there is usually a rhythmic backing which is like the footsteps - when Genaro walks funny, and dj explains that muffled footsteps make the ap move - and this is very powerful), i feel i have heard them before and know them, and as a musician i can appreciate the intricate melodies and i feel inspired just remembering. 
i recently read the alchemist by paolo coelho, this book is about sorcery and God and i recommend it to anyone. it inspired me and showed me once again that love is the driving force, i follow the path of heart and i am one with God, all my acts are acts of love as i intended. i have had a difficult time seeing this, and then i was randomly drawn to re-read this book (thank you Spirit), and it helped me connect with the path of heart very clearly. i say re-read, but i listened to the audio book on youtube read by Jeremy Irons (who is awesome, and really funny, i used to like listening to him reading on the radio when i was a kid - so this was pretty cool)

alchemy is a beautiful subject for me, and i have always been inspired by it. i know that it is the same things as what cc/dj say, its just another way of looking at it.

[Billy]

So I do this alchemist by paolo coelho narrated by Jeremy Irons.  Mind you transitions, I've read all of three or four books new to me in the last couple decades, and I'm thinking why not a short one like Jonathan Livingston Seagull. (lol)
 
  So I've listened for about an hour..  I realize my connection.. then at two hours and forty five minutes in (pretty much without a break) I stop.  > I have cemented what I wanted.

I'll tell you transitions, that worked for me quite nicely.  You don't come up short whatsoever in your writings.  Thank you.

[Billy]

With right timeliness, I'll likely listen to the remaining hour and fifteen, but I'll be able to move from what I got already most amply.

[Guest]

thanks, spirit really wanted me to read it again recently, so really it was spirit. im glad you found it useful tho. 
i am grateful for the motivation to do some recap by the way- you were talking about recap before, thanks man

[serloco]

say ''i am an empath'', say ''i can see people's intent'' say ''i can see what people are thinking'' all it takes is the proclimation thatsays yes i can and do.. often times i thought i could do these things well then i stated my intent with people that i could, so i could THEN, thus turning the ability on, but then i found i could see even better then before, just because i called myself n empath or a telepath.. call yourself good things and stalk the position.. fake it at first, pretend, and then become that position.. ccohesion will settle.

[Guest]

its true, thanks man, i know that im pretty good at reading peoples energy, when i write im not so clear, i know that this will change some time. when i said 'getting better' i meant that i forget that i can do this, or i fall into some old way of seeing people and block myself, 'getting better' means that i am more often using my skills than not. the important lesson here is that this applies to everything, im not progressively becoming a sorcerer by getting better at abilities- im just learning to use my abilities, it's like you mentioned in another post that fluidity in perception using the mirror /water is cool but obviously you dont want everything to be fluid all the time, only when you practice mirror/water. it brings to mind dj's description of the second attention as a progression, 'being a by-product of a displacement of the assemblage point, the second attention does not happen naturally but must be intended, beginning with intending it as an idea and ending up with intending it as a steady and controlled awareness of the ap's displacement'

[serloco]

intent is natural, and if you intend something to be natural then it will become and be as natural is. in a way it is like intending your habitual awareness position to stop returning in the same way, but realize that even your old patterns change and gro and keep up with you, and thus in this knowledge is the way to reset your habitual placement.

[Guest]

yes, i see what you're saying. 
recapping i have realised that basically just judgements that i still held, and i get that sorcery isnt something you learn, in a way it is just awareness, not to demeen things. i see that i am UNlearning conditioning, judgements, like dj said you pit the two worlds together to get to the 'truth', and i see that entering the sorcerers world i am now stopping my judgements, not doing. it is much better not to write in the style i have been. i know all of this yet i didnt catch myself in time previously when posting. i write for two reasons, for my 'self' and for others, yet i have found that maybe its pointless to write for 'others', you see that in my world for a long time i saw that people were confused and weren't doing what their hearts told them, and it confused me, actually it used to piss me off that people were so stupid - and this is what i have stopped, and this has brought me to a weird place. other people just seemed stupid to me cos of my judgements, and i guess that i seemed like an **** to them, now i see that no-one needs 'my help'. i honestly did try to help people which just seems stupid to me now. i wasn't in a position to help them either. i guess that some people are not following their hearts, and the way i see it the only way to 'help' them is to be following your heart, and lead by example. i know that i wasnt following my heart truly until spirit descent. i have known for a long time that it was the right thing to do, yet i wasnt actually doing it. i know that hearts can be afraid some times and this is why i didnt follow my heart, and i know that i was wrong. i know that once i gave my heart strength and i started to love the world again that this was the turning point for me. 
so i dunno if others need my help, i dunno why i write other than for myself, which seems silly since i am fighting self importance, yet it makes sense to me cos i look back and laugh, i see the light in my words, and it gives my heart strength. 

maybe there are people who read this and they arent following their heart and this will, yet on this forum i guess that i must be preaching to the converted, i dont really know anything about you all, other than what some people here show me and so it does seem pointless some times, i mean i dont really know why people would read this, we all have our own worlds and yet there is connections, and so i write.

[serloco]

communication is enjoyable, and don't forget the mirror of our active judgements. Yes indeed, as you judge so to o you reflect, and moe the orld into alignment. this awareness is beneficial to see, it opens up your dreaming attention.. now you have suspending your judgements and so et th world be, which opens the door to the unknown. hen judging you see wht you know in the mirror of your dreaming awareness, yet when you suspend your judgements you get the unknown, and you get also/if/and/or your intent.

[serloco]

edit for spelling and addition - now you are suspending your judgements and so you let the world be, which opens the door to the unknown. when judging you see what you know in the mirror of your dreaming awareness, yet when you suspend your judgements you get the unknown, and you get also/if/and/or your intent. also control you judgment and you will control the elements of your world/dream.

[Billy]

You must just be a tease transitions.  The depth of your heart in the last piece is quite moving.

[Guest]

yes i have experienced this serloco, you're right of course, and thanks for writing man, more inspiration! there is much i forget to write and get a little lost when trying to write. its like i know more than i think. and what im writing is maybe things ive already figured out yet it sounds like im still trying to figure them out. im having fun, whatever. i do see that more cohesion is necessary.
haha billy, thank you for the kind words. i feel like saying that i am enjoying your indlugence post, you have a way with words - you amaze me. and i wanted to mention number 5 was very interesting to me. i will write as spirit moves me, and i dont feel like jumping in right now, im looking forward to hearing more tho. thank you for posting here, fwiw it helps and inspires me.

i know that i am confident now, i am making some beautiful changes in my world. my life wasnt so great before, and without serloco's help i dont know what id be doing now - thank you serloco for showing me Spirit. i did some recap recently as i was sitting in this same room around a year ago, and just the thought of comparison between the states was enough to jolt me. i realised that all that has changed is awareness, that the energy body does not change at all. i had the idea of transferring my awareness to my energy body a while ago and the more that i tried to work with this idea, the more illusive it got. i mean that somewhere along the line, definitely within the last year, i have connected my awareness to my energy body, this is the way that i explain how i have managed to do some of the things that i have done. i draw energy from God (or the unknown), i see what i need to do and i dont feel as confused or unable to act as i used to, this confidence is just the ability to act, to direct my awareness, to be aware, or to penetrate the Soul of the World (from the alchemist), it is the path of heart.

its funny that all that i really feel is helping others. i dont know how or why. it is why i made steps to become a teacher, and also why i got scared when i found out that in that state back then, i definitely wasnt in a position to help.

i made a good friend on the teaching course, one of our teachers, and he was exceptional with me. he embodies the teacher archetype, and is compassionate, but also ruthless. i remember the day he 'broke' me (as i insist on describing this event to myself, it was definitely necessary at the time), in the canteen after a particularly bad observation. he was so calm, and controlled, and asked me questions that just left me unable to speak. i didnt answer. i knew the answers, and this was what he was doing. i obviously was raging, simultaneously calm. i knew that he was right, and so my angry thoughts meant nothing and i couldnt give them any power, also that he seemed angry with me, yet i realised that this was because he was trying to help me and i was just acting like an ****. it has been a long time since that day and only recently i have turned myself round to the point where i would be at ease teaching, and i know that id be able to do it perfectly. i know that on the day that i start teaching i will be scared, for sure, yet i know that i will be fine. i know that i didnt miss this boat, the boat waited for me. i wasnt ready and there was no way that reality would allow me to teach until i was. its the idea of impeccability that takes over and i cannot act otherwise, or at least i have to be impeccable - some times i know that i am not.

throughout this post i know that ally is helping me, yet i dont really speak of it as this is obvious to me. i guess im trying to write to myself whilst also realising that other people read so its kinda weird. 

also i dont mean that i am trying to teach anyone here, or that i am trying to help with my words (i know that it helps me to write here, and i enjoy hearing what other have to say, as serloco mentioned communication is enjoyable, for sure), i know that whoever you are out there dont really need my help, i am talking about teaching as a job in the tonal. i know that this is what i want to do, and im looking forward to getting started.

[serloco]

good luck, with your teaching!

[Guest]

thanks serloco, i need luck with that!
arrived at a beautiful realisation today, that i no longer need to write here, and made a decision that i will be leaving the forum. im very grateful to all of you for your words of power, for all your help, and im thankful that there are places of power like this on the internets. ive never stuck around too long anywhere, a traveller i guess, so it was only a matter of time really.

all the best  
 
much love, transitions

[transitions4]

i changed my mind. this place is beautiful. im depressed, this is a difficult time for me, and i was just making myself sad by leaving, i thought it was for the best, but i was wrong. i know that i can work this out

[serloco]

good man.