Q & A

[Tiff]

Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?

A: Because they have no attachments.

(Contributed by Randy Jewett)



Q: What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

A: Make me one with everything.

(Contributed by Kevin Allen)



Q: What is the name of the best Zen teacher?

A: M.T. Ness

(Contributed by Geichle)



Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, they are the light bulb.

(Contributed by J Arkle)



Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three -- one to change it, one to not-change it and one to
both change- and not-change it.

(Contributed by Graeme Dawes)



Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Tree falling in the forest.

(Contributed by Will Sandstead)



Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with
the computer he is working with?

A: He enters Nerdvana.

(Contributed by Toh Han Shih)



Q: What did one Zen practitioner give to another for his/her
birthday?

A: Nothing.

Q: What did the birthday boy/girl respond in return?

A: You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.

To which the giver replied, "Thank you."

(Contributed by Zach Rosen)



Disciple: "Master, why did Bodhidharma come from the West?"

Master: "Ask that post over there."

Disciple: "I don't understand"

Master: "Neither do I."

(Contributed by Thomas Asche)



Q: How do I become a Lama?

A: Go to a monastic university and study for twenty-five years.
Begin by memorizing Vasubandhu's Abhidharmakosha with its commentary (500
pages or so). Then study what you have memorised by hearing lectures on
it and debating the contents with other candidates until you can argue
every side of every controversy equally well. Then memorise several works
of Nagarjuna, along with their commentaries. Then memorise the seven treatises
of Dharmakirti. In additional to that study, you must master several forms
of meditation and study tantric rituals for about two or three years.

Alternatively, you can come to America and just call yourself a lama.
Billions of nubile virgins will follow you everywhere and give you money.

Q: How many wives does Buddhism allow?

A: You may have as many as your tolerance for misery can bear.

(Contributed by mubul@aol.com )



Q: Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands?

A:  Because Buddhists don't have any soul.

Q: What does a Buddhist wish someone on their birthday?

A: May you have many happy returns.

Note: these both appeared years ago on the Well

(Contributed by Yeshe Dorje)


http://www.serve.com/cmtan/buddhism/Lig ... y.qna.html

[YouCantHandletheTruth]

Tiff wrote:Q: How do I become a Lama?A: Go to a monastic university and study for twenty-five years.
Begin by memorizing Vasubandhu's Abhidharmakosha with its commentary (500
pages or so). Then study what you have memorised by hearing lectures on
it and debating the contents with other candidates until you can argue
every side of every controversy equally well. Then memorise several works
of Nagarjuna, along with their commentaries. Then memorise the seven treatises
of Dharmakirti. In additional to that study, you must master several forms
of meditation and study tantric rituals for about two or three years.

Alternatively, you can come to America and just call yourself a lama.
Billions of nubile virgins will follow you everywhere and give you money.

Q: How many wives does Buddhism allow?

A: You may have as many as your tolerance for misery can bear.
LMAO!

[Gonzo]

The hot dog vendor one isn't complete.



Q: What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

A: Make me one with everything.



and paid with a large bill and was ignored, and said



Q. Where's my change?

A. Ahh....change must come from within.

[ninth octave]

An anecdote will explain this apparent ambivalence between denying and asserting the soul. 
The Buddha was once asked by his disciple Vacchagottagotta whether or not there was a self. The Buddha declined to answer, and the disciple left.  He later explained his refusal to respond:  "If I had answered 'There is a self,' [that would not have been] in accordance with my knowledge that all things are without a self...If I had answered 'There is no self,' then that would have been a greater confusion to the already confused Vacchagottagotta. For he would have thought! 'Formerly indeed I had a self, but now I haven't got one."

[Tiff]

"change must come from within"... lol.

[Tiff]

Chao-chou: “I am nothing but a donkey.”



Wen-yuan:“A donkey? You’re SO lucky. I am merely a donkey’s buttocks.”



Chao-chou: “Actually, I dream that I could one day be a donkey’s buttocks. At the moment, I am what comes out of the donkey’s buttocks.”



Wen-yuan: “You’re privileged. I’d give anything to be what comes out of donkey’s buttocks. For I am but a worm living in what comes out of a donkey’s buttocks. And do you know why I’m there?”



Chao-chou: “Why?”



Wen-yuan: “Because I wanted to go somewhere special for my summer holidays.”



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1) A student is on one side of a raging river. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the master on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?” The master shouts back: “You are on the other side.”



2) Master: “You stop being a young student and become a great master when you realize that you don’t exist.” Student: “To whom do you speak, young student?”



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“Things are not what they seem; nor are they otherwise.”



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“A Zen master once said to me, ‘Do the opposite of whatever I tell you.’ So I didn't.”
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http://mrjam.typepad.com/diary/2010/02/ ... jokes.html

[Wei Shan Yang]

Compassion with an umbrella



A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.



The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."

[snowblind]

Two Buddhist monks walked into a bar...you would have thought one of them would have seen it.

[Guest]