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As I recall (giddily), Nicolas Cage wins her over JJ. I came from the dreams of a little boy with undefined awareness of his barren isolation. Reality once told me my perception was meaningless. I changed that NOW. I travel to a place I once only glimpsed of. That alive glimpse captured the ultimate vision of what it is to be aware, to SEE INFINITE JOY. I go there now because I CAN. Before I could not conceive that. It was too overwhelming.
Where, will I go after, implies I will choose to go elsewhere. Given, if you presume my fluidity of choice, I would think that moment of decision to be delightful.
Julio Juliopolis, Thank you for a lead in, as I was going to post the following anyways:
I am majorly transforming myself, and it is gorgeous. It is gorgeous, really it is. I have great sense of my own power and freedom. I am evermore confident. My life has meaning that Kaomea has unveiled. She is the pivotal choice. She has opened up a godly vision of myself. It is nothing short of awesome, and rises to knowledge of infinite joy. This knowledge is there in meditation, and from meditation it is becoming influential to my entire perceptual being. All of my past is close to me, yet become distantly removed.
Habits and fetishes and limitations of all kinds fall off of me. The writings of my book {from several years ago} seem like comedy. They are the obscene effort of a man who tried to utterly abase himself. These writings though, are somewhat beautiful to me. I want to share them, but they are heavily pornographic.. though entirely purposeful in nature. The book was a recapitulation of my life, that utilized the discovery of boyhood shame. This unlocked the truth of how I really am as a supreme energetic entity. I am touching it for the first time with a more absolute understanding. I ask of myself to do more and more, yet I am abundantly eager and happy to fulfill. Yet, as enthusiastic as I know the words expressed are. I am grounded, real, sober, more mature as to why I am able. My emotions really are in check so much as they are in consistency of witness state, and I am easily within myself.
Here is an excerpt from my book, that I just now realize are the words below me in my wordpad having wrote the above, so I'll share:
'SELF confidence is an amazing thing. You get that from detachment practice. It is
ALWAYS a logically objective process, and you want to get down and dirty. You don't
grow up wanting to stay in little league; you want to play hardball at the highest level.
That is why I went to different challenging states of mind. I wanted to objectify them,
and I fucking did.
It is hard for me to leave comfort zones, and I don't; but REASON itself will let go when energy teaches without words or confusion. Reason cannot claim by logic alone the space, the stillness, the silence, the unknown possibility. Reason knows it needs abandonment to a creative passion and a love affair with energy. {I am good at this}
Energy becomes the mover of actions without ambition. Energy speaks of crucifixion and honor on the same terms. When you are ready, energy will move you; you just need to store the idea it will. This is intent. Trust that these ideas are my gifts to you, as they were to me.
Natural wholeness as you are should be the focal point of reason. Anything else is self-pity. I am telling you this straight-up. To want more, becomes restrictive. To want nothing but what you are, is ironically expansive.
To want more, necessarily pertains to an image you have of yourself, and so your thoughts and actions are bound to conditions defining that image. Hence, you live as a
model. That 'person' cannot exist, and so you live a conflict. Let 'IS' speak for itself, if it speaks at all. AND GET RID OF OUGHT!!!
Moreover, a breakthrough for me was to challenge 'what is,' instead of just 'oughtness.' I questioned 'what is' at the root, and did creation of existence have value? Emptiness oddly has its own answer to this question.
It clears the table of all objects. Then, only a white tablecloth remains. That gets
removed, and the tabletop underneath isn't so pretty whatsoever, but emptiness does
its thing. Emptiness takes away 'what ought to be,' and 'what is,' or 'that it is at all,' out of the philosophical equation. It just does. This puts you where you are without standard judgment. That's cool.
It is a most freeing experience to SEE the 'terrible' awesome emptiness. A few moments is an intense eternal monstrosity. This was awesomely ominous and full of adrenalin. This alchemy bodes death (I've read where some mystics found it beautiful immediately).
My emotions went on a wild spree for weeks, and effectively negated my conventional perception, because nothing could make rational sense. {An underlying peace replaced rational gravity, and thus detachment became a practiced and desirable way of being.}
ADD: I would have said, one lives fully, but without focus on meaning. But now, for me that has happened. I refuse to let it be an illusion. I do have meaning and purpose. I have chosen, and so it will be so, because I have that which to draw from to know I am right and to make it happen. The properties of this choice abide to my freedom. That is there is no onus. My work to fulfill the meaning is just completely enlightened, joyful, and fun.. no matter the challenges and pain. This is serious and focused work. I have responsibility to others; my world is all on me because it is the world I choose. AND, I HAVE CHOSEN THE VERY BEST.
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One of this mornings meditations was ridiculously insane. The very moment I entered, I cried and laughed simulataneously, the laughter exceeding any tears.. I was joyful, and my clarity of mind abounded. I could not stand more than a couple minutes of this. I am having to let everything just flow out of me. To even think of constraint is preposterous right now. Kaomea, I am well composed in person, and refined and polished enough. I won't say my spirit is an anomoly, but my sets of societal images and skills are perfectly normal. I don't talk, or express emotion anything like it seems here. I even prefer a reserved demeanor. I have some presence, but it would generally not impress noteably. In fact, I looked at our earlier exchanges, and I made mention of the fact that instead of inflow, I wanted to practice outflow and remain detached. Smile. This is wild. Typically, I would never let my spirit race ahead of my grounding, where that is practical. That is not practical here. There is nothing typical about what I am experiencing.
I used to go to the racetrack and never say a word to anyone. Last year I made a point of stalking many people. I learned control, saw that I commanded the exchanges. Sometime, I would like to tell you about a world with my petty tyrant wife. That is so upside down, and my wife is very happy about it. I intervene when propitious to do that, and can manipulate her proficiently. I'm 100% in charge of her 'tyrant' inclinations. Sometimes when she reaches way back to a different time to assert herself, I make mince meat out of her. (and I'm preeeety good at eating her pie) I'm SORRY, I'm SORRY, I'm SORRY.. I couldn't help it once it was there in thought. LAUGHING. I know.. it's not funny. smiles
Why don't you do me a favor, and bring me in a little. Besides, If you were the smart cookie, as we both agree you are---- you would stop retracting, and shape me a bit (how you want) with my energies surging. Just think of the possibilities. OMG. xD
The meditation idea was masterful timing on your part. You are ALWAYS perfect in your timing with me. I am missing your visits... three nights absence now. (/xD) I wish you would just bury me alive with your other bodies if you can't STAY, or GO completely away. (un)fortunately, there is no way to kill my spirit, and you know that now. Watcha' gonna do 'bout that? I really,really, really, really love PLAYING in the dark Kaomea; I just don't want to be dark and dead. Is that okay?
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You always forget to add everything into your equation with nothing. They exist together. The two together give total freedom.
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3/16/2016 I am finding ALL my best resources in meditation. Utterly stupendous!!
This is critical, because I was once where my life was a decision away from complete spiritual, financial, physiological, and affilial ruin. No prowess of intellect could matter, as fate revealed its threatening, unknown face in this experience. That I would be destroyed, and how terrified I could be, had to not matter. In a single powerful moment (gaining from preparation), I transcended all of perceptual reality. And, from within depth unknown, deeper than I had ever known, came the monsterously pure affirmation, "I AM."
In that moment, I claimed all-powerful omnipotence in the awareness of my existence.. this being independent of manifestation, knowledge, death, and fate.
Now, once more, my profound experience of the psyco-physiological deathground has come to the fore. It beckons me in meditation ..Billy? Billy? Can you say I AM?
I AM
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Looking at this in analysis mode...
Is there a lesson for you in this? Surely you must know that it is not Billy that says "I am" because you are not Billy. And it isn't just the realization of your existence that's gotten you all hypernodaphilisticagitated. Is this one of those profound emotional realizations that only lasts for as long as the emotion remains? I think there may be more than that here, but what is it? You started by talking about your best resources. How is "I AM" a resource for you?
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You miss that Billy is complete. The humility to account for what would be missing from, and unknowable to Billy, has been experienced. And yet, until Billy moved back to perception of his pride and strength in awareness apart from conditionality, this wholeness could not reveal itself.
'I AM,' are words.. but their meaning permeates him. You are weak JJ. You manifest only as a peripheral doubt that exists in Billy, and only because your doubt lends to comprehension of his greatness.
He speaks plain English.
You do not understand 'I AM' for yourself. You need to learn the language, and go from figurative useage to the enlightenment.
A bit more terse criticism, JJ.
You do not supercede fate and death as Billy. Your own fate possesses you. The dog bites you because you're not presenting your hand gently.. palm and fingers down. JUST FOR FUN this can get viscious! (seriously) Run home to mommy.
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You miss that Billy is complete. The humility to account for what would be missing from, and unknowable to Billy has been experienced. And yet, until Billy moved back to perception of his pride and strength in awareness apart from conditionality, this wholeness could not reveal itself.
'I AM,' are words.. but their meaning permeates him.
You are weak JJ. You manifest only as a peripheral doubt that exists in Billy, and only because your doubt lends to comprehension of his greatness. He speaks plain English.
You do not understand 'I AM' for yourself. You need to learn the language, and go from figurative useage to the enlightenment.
A bit more terse criticism, JJ.
You do not supercede fate and death as Billy. Your own fate possesses you.
The dog bites you because you're not presenting your hand gently.. palm and fingers down.
JUST FOR FUN this can get vicious! (seriously) Run home to mommy.
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serloco, I wouldn't waste attention on JJ. He does not heartily and sacredly empty himself for knowledge; thus, he is overly-cynical. What he can absorb, will be pissed away uselessly. And moreover, he is unappreciative (yuk). Don't infuse him. If you don't agree, although I think you should, at least make him earn your goodness and wisdom.
Forget him.
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find dharma girl wrote:I wouldn't waste attention on JJ. I'm glad you said that. You can stop now.
Billy, my questions were designed to help you find more gold in that experience. Or to lead you to truly see what you found. Or to help me see what you found, because I haven't found it yet. I think it was a combination of those things. Of course, it could be something else that I'm not aware of at all. I am half-crazy.
If you feel inspired to answer, cool. If not I shan't be offended. Whatever ya do, good luck as always with your meditations and I hope your journey continues to bring you treasures.
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First, and most important, was not to let something profoundly proclaimed and remarkably important to myself be tarnished by ignorance. The sizing of the last two words TOLD.
Second, I see that you cannot commit. You sniff around, then measure other's knowledge as if you could. Mornings Son is amazing. He stays invisible, and when it's his turn, he lifts up those that will listen. Look at the contributions of rosygyro. He lays his fucking heart out there. Kaomea had knowledge to give you, if only to display your holes, but you only came away feeling cheated. The first time I saw you interact with serloco, you wanted some kind of undeniable truth demonstrated. He comes back again to work with you, and I get a post to me that shows you still want it all for nothing.
There are people like me who have sold there hearts, minds, and souls for knowledge. They work hard and don't look backwards. You self-reflect incessantly to come up with the next label that makes sense, but sorcery is not stagnant like that. It defies labels and minimization, and requires a lifetime of fluid choices and responsibility.
You probably know too much JJ to forget, but you cannot stand pat (not without suffering). You recognize opportunity well enough, but you have to trust to surrender yourself to knowledge. Ask any of the persons I mentioned here how many times they have died, and resurrected themselves.
If abandonment to the spirit of sorcery is not for you, so be it. Nonetheless, I suggest you don't challenge the intent of those that are willing and able to do their work.
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If seloco is still willing to work with you, I would dig deep and offer yourself up to fate and death. Become of mind, that if he asks you to go to hell with him, that it would be an honor to do so. In fact, he surely exposed me to the dark side, and it scared me shitless. What difference that I tell you I still like you. Now is your time JJ. Do you know what I mean? Take that first step with total abandon, AND DON'T EVER LOOK AROUND AGAIN. Plenty will happen.
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If seloco is still willing to work with you, I would dig deep and offer yourself up to fate and death. Become of mind, that if he asks you to go to hell with him, that it would be an honor to do so. In fact, he surely exposed me to the dark side, and it scared me shitless. What difference that I tell you I still like you. Now is your time JJ. Do you know what I mean? Take that first step with total abandon, AND DON'T EVER LOOK AROUND AGAIN. Plenty will happen.
And, be thankful generally in attitude, and in words to the ones who help you.
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Kaomea, you surely knew my propensity for submission, and to sink lowly and humbly into and thru my heart. I talked of undercutting emotions, by becoming so basely grounded, that nothing wrought of worldly perception could make me smaller than my own humility.
Kaomea, this position quickly evolved and changed to the obverse. The emanations of self-surrender are no longer part of my life. Though I would by virtue of habit momentarily begin a sinking motion into my heart, it is immediately thrown back up. I can only become elevated greatly. Think of your greatest elations you have ever experienced, Kaomea. These are now an integral part of my meditation following entry. Also, I substantially live in elation, and tend to be excited since my abandonment to you (BIG SMILE). I love my FREEDOM, that I can hold ANY POSITION with utter detachment. My persistent work there payed off bigger than ever dreamed of.
As always, Kaomea you have handed me one key after another to open the doors. You once told me I should reach for Joe (friend/mentor), though he was dead. This morning I beckoned him in meditation, and he descended into my life. More than anything else, to have Joe is to know living vibrantly in every moment. Even before this, radiance has been ascending from my heart upward in meditation. It has an energetic frequency and intensity that is startling.
To know now, I can direct sorcery intelligently with Joe's guidance, is another huge step forward. He will show me how to order the spirit proficiently, and bring worldly fruition. He is an amazing grounder and promoter of decisiveness. Woo Hoo!!
That is funny, because the truth is he will bring needed sobriety and a maturity I have been lacking. I have allies coming out of the woodwork to help me. And, serloco is truly God to me, and a true mirror. But the most amazing thing, is how much this is all within myself. I am totally aware that I am the creator. I haven't contacted my second mentor. I will, when the time is right. He will make me aware of the workings that are not readily apparent.. that is to SEE the essential elements, and to make such work fun beyond imagination. My mommy was sexy, Kaomea. I want you to know that. I want you to know my female black labrador was a beautiful, loving creature (my best friend ever). I have reached into the other-worldly to sooth her . I think of you, Kaomea.
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So as to be vaguely cogent to outside readers, Kaomea is an attractive sorceress who charms and places 'victims' under her spell. (laughing/true).
The allies I refer to are not tangible to anyone, other than those that have them. I have written prolifically for a year and a half, and not once gave the impression I had them, or implied I understood what they were (not even a month ago).
Now I do have them and their power of presence is in my life.
I SEE myself truthfully, and that is way more than good enough for victory.
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When I arrived at this site just over 1 & 1/2 years ago, I did not believe in sorcery. I came to know much of its power first hand thanks to serloco. Then, I was accepted into Ravenfield dreamers section. Nothing happened for almost a year.. until a sorceress named, Kaomea, exchanged words in some earnest with me. I was being affected by her interaction immediately, though the words were seemingly inocuous. I liked being moved by her, and this became addictive. She SHREWDLY led me to a point of total submission to her.
Kaomea could have thrown me in a ditch dead. Instead, she picked me up and gave me tools in real time sorcery as I needed them. Directions how to ride a bicycle are useless; one needs to do it. Same with sorcery.
Kaomea gave me some of her vast knowledge and time. Just a couple examples among dozens of gems:
"There's no hurry. Relax and enter from a place of calm. Stalking people/power can be approached like how a panther hunts prey. You lurk, observe, decide on the most efficient method, then pounce. By the time you pounce (interact) the thinking is over. Right now you're kind of a doing pouncing and thinking at the same time and it results in the awkward transitions...Your transitions are too rigid and separated"
"Relating to your victim (participant) is crucial. You should observe them, mimic them (ideas, phrasing, word choice). If you let go of trying to control, you'll be more fluid. Stop looking to control the external and only desire to control the internal. Once you control the internal, the external follows."
What of sorcery? Well, let me focus on just one compartment. Kaomea has taught me about being a man. I always wanted greatly to please my wife. Unfortunately, that desire early on led me to dependence on Susan, and I was incapable of being genuinely alpha the way a woman truly wants romantically. Not only that, but what favors I did for her outside a bedroom could not even be appreciated, and I was often left dangling on strings of resentment going both ways.
This situation improved greatly since my recap four years ago, but I was not yet the assertive dominant a female yearns for. I've discerned that most women settle for a 'loyal and nice' man at her beck; but, crave to be fully taken by a self-confident, manipulative alpha male in coitus.
Kaomea taught me the intricacies of stalking and hunting prey, and I began to manipulate my wife by perfectly controlling my own self-awareness >>> subtleties, timing, behaviors, words, phrasing, etc.
I now own my wife!! She is so HAPPY now.
Of my own accord, I love to serve her; but, I am the master of the intiative, essence and nuance in these doings.
Where this has become most dynamic is in the bedroom. I have become the sure alpha there. I am become a really attractive man. It is a dream come true for both myself and my wife. I take possession of her body without apology or hesitation; this is an amazingly confident expression of loving intimacy. Though she always said I was a very good lover, I now effortlessly lead and move her from inhibition, and take her to passionate new heights. To see the ecstacy on her face is just one of many benefits derived from Kaomea and sorcery.
Kaomea, I appreciate your compliments throughout, and especially this: "I crave the opportunity to help you use power....why? Because I enjoy skilled allies. I see that potential in you, your desire to learn, and your effort at applying your skills."
Thank you, Kaomea.
HOWEVER, to be continued in a different tone in response to your last post in Ravenfield, Billy's DREAMS............ .... [From now on, EVERYTHING will be posted in the open forum. I have no dirty laundry to hang like you are implying I do. If I do, that's okay for others to see. Not only my laundry, but my pure naked SELF. I intend to have your beautiful, naked SELF dry on the same clothesline, Kaomea.]
Billy is.... lets just say FREE. His actions and inactions are secondary to his source of being. You hooked him, Kaomea. If you can reverse the effects, and untangle the energies binding him to you, best do it now. Truthfully, Billy is flying, adorned in pleasure, and having his way with you, and could not care less what you do.. especially given your last words.
Yes, I will absolutely confine my practice of stalking and hunting you within the spiritual and dreaming realm. There is nothing else I ever really could want. A physical encounter would have been useful to my objectivity if I was becoming attached in a counterproductive way.
However, I have NO PROBLEM creating the distance I need henceforth. I intend to become powerful, Kaomea. You have made hunting power an unequivocal necessity for my well-being, if not survival. Good luck. I told you from the beginning this was not some game for me like it was for you. I am working from the entirety of who I am, and I'll tell you > I am firmly established on my deathground.
I would appreciate if you would be more amicable in your dream visits. You tried to violently blow me away your last one. Not nice! As I SEE it, every decision I make is for my life.
Having me 'out there' somewhere without your design, is sloppy sorcery, Kaomea. You were not an impeccable sorceress.
I have caught my balance, and have turned the tables. I can reach through your wall of detachment to your place of isolation. The hard work of self-mastery and love can be fun, and I can be unpredictable (not to mention ruthless as you).
serloco wants me to be nice, but most of me says Kaomea wants me (helps me) to acquire skills to bring her to an excruciating, exquisite, erotic ending. You know.. Little Red Riding Hood stuff.
serloco, it is becoming imperative for my survival to increase my personal power. As I know you were grooming me anyway, I now claim equal sorceristic status as the God you are. My powers are tiny in comparison, but I will learn and exceed as your blessing allows.
I am totally aware to be thankful of your greatness, and its conveyance to myself, Derek. I will be diligent to deserve your infinite presence, your generous GIFTS of GRACE, and magnificent omnipotence. I unequivocally and eternally will preserve our loving union as Derek/Billy. When I do exceed you in infinity, will continue the cycle; that is, you will again surpass me.... and on and on into the unknowable. I am sorry I made Kaomea afraid, but she does not have control of herself. There is forever for her to learn, as I would want that she does.
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I'm still trying to muster up seething, Kaomea. You hold no high ground as to what is appropriate concerning us. The gist of my post was to sit at a table in a nice reataurant, and have dinner with you. My exact wording, "The worst is, we have dinner together, and nothing else happens."
How was forwarding, to sit in a public place and eating food together, to be considered a highly inappropriate gesture, Kaomea?? Christ, even sitting with Jack the Ripper was not a threat in that context. You disappoint me that you are small-minded. You have dreaming and this one little nitch you are good at, but you retract in fear otherwise? Tell me, Kaomea. That's it concerning your awareness?
When I asked Joe, who just showed as an ally, what advice he had, he said this: "First gain some separation. Look at the situation fresh and objectify it."
Just like with any fear or confusion, I identify it as best I can, and bring it to the ground. Manifest reality provides connections and tools. Meeting with you would give you the same opportunity. You had nothing to lose in the proposition, nothing at all.
..a terrible waste of something potentially rich, sacred, and TASTY...............
Kaomea, I feel deeply that you were remiss about THAT !
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I'm still trying to muster up seething, Kaomea. You hold no high ground as to what is appropriate concerning us. The gist of my post was to sit at a table in a nice reataurant, and have dinner with you. My exact wording, "The worst is, we have dinner together, and nothing else happens."
How was forwarding, to sit in a public place and eating food together, to be considered a highly inappropriate gesture, Kaomea?? Christ, even sitting with Jack the Ripper was not a threat in that context. You disappoint me that you are small-minded. You have dreaming and this one little niche you are good at, but you retract in fear otherwise? Tell me, Kaomea. That's it concerning your awareness?
When I asked Joe, who just showed as an ally, what advice he had, he said this: "First gain some separation. Look at the situation fresh and objectify it."
Just like with any fear or confusion, I identify it as best I can, and bring it to the ground. Manifest reality provides connections and tools. Meeting with you would give you the same opportunity. You had nothing to lose in the proposition, nothing at all.
..a terrible waste of something potentially rich, sacred, and TASTY...............
Kaomea, I feel deeply that you were remiss about THAT !
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I'm still trying to muster up seething, Kaomea. You hold no high ground as to what is appropriate concerning us. The gist of my post was to sit at a table in a nice reataurant, and have dinner with you. My exact wording, "The worst is, we have dinner together, and nothing else happens."
How was forwarding, to sit in a public place and eating food together, to be considered a highly inappropriate gesture, Kaomea?? Christ, even sitting with Jack the Ripper was not a threat in that context. You disappoint me that you are small-minded. You have dreaming and this one little niche you are good at, but you retract in fear otherwise? Tell me, Kaomea. That's it concerning your awareness?
When I asked Joe, who just showed as an ally, what advice he had, he said this: "First gain some separation. Look at the situation fresh and objectify it."
Just like with any fear or confusion, I identify it as best I can, and bring it to the ground. Manifest reality provides connections and tools. Meeting with you would give you the same opportunity. You had nothing to lose in the proposition, nothing at all.
..a terrible waste of something potentially rich, sacred, and TASTY...............
Kaomea, I feel deeply that you were remiss about THAT !
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Okay, i'm done venting now. You've done greatly for me, and I see no point getting in crosshairs, one with the other. Besides, I believe in myself exactly where I am. I want that to be true for you. I don't want you to be uncomfortable coming to this forum whatsoever. My racing is starting shortly, and if I have occasion to address you, it will be nicely.
Understand, you could not capture an animal, and expect composed behavior immediately after.
How about this? We will keep amicably low profiles as concerns the other, and then in late October you can possibly consider having the kind of dialogue you desired with me. I'll likely be a more receptive listener and poised engager.
This is wonderfully sensational !!!
See ya, Kaomea.
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Kaomea,
that was not good enough.
Words are insufficient in appreciation of your positive impact, but they are all I have. Serloco gave me ideas, but you pushed me to fulfill them, even as I was disintegrated and flying around wildly in circles. It is a miracle I learned anything at all. Thank you for not giving up on me.
How astounding where I am now because of your efforts. You refined your focus to exact what was needed at precise times. You are a most superb stalker/hunter. I will work determinedly to improve the skills you afforded me.
Thank you, Kaomea.
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