Journey of Billy's Spirit in Meditations

[Billy]

I Go to Purity of Heart.

Simplicity becomes PURITY...... I TASTE my GODDESS.

In the bold spirit of serloco, I will share bits of my celestial joy.

[Guest]

and we are listening

[Billy]

3/9/2016 3:00 AM
 Last night I committed to meditation.  This is to say also, I have never tried a program of meditation before.  
   I did not have as great a meditation as last night, but know I will practice 'religiously' in blocks of ten to fifteen minutes (or longer).  I'll experiment to find the best times, cues, etc. (and will gladly take guidance).  [Last night took me to authoritative origin, and how it is postulated!]



ADD:   Now my afternoon meditation was wholly different.  I could easily keep the mind still and void of anything whatsoever, a minute or so at a time.  I have never done that before--not ever.

[Guest]

Oh, I didn't realize you've never mediated. In that case, consider doing guided meditations. YouTube has tons of free guided meditations under five minutes. Guided meditations are easier for an occupied mind. Going from occupied mind to empty meditation is a leap. It's easier to make that transition with guided meditations so that you learn how to first hold attention on an idea, before holding attention to nothing. If that makes sense.

Yeah, moving the duration to longer periods is the direction this should follow. Speaking of cues, burning incense or even a scented candle can help you. A small ritual (like burning incense or candles) can help you fall into the mindset more quickly, if done regularly. Humans are trainable creatures. It's good you're taking advantage of that.

[Guest]

I was trying to find a Little Red youtube video I loved a long time ago. Couldn't find it. Though I did find this--and it related to what you were saying and your energy. Figured you'd like this, so tossing it your way.


This second video is my choice. I love the innocence for such a vicious exchange, outcome. It's really a heavy and dark story, but the song is so delicate. The contrast delights me:

[Billy]

3/10/2016
   
3/10/2016
So, so much is going on.   There was a shift that took place the night you intitiated chat (though I had a befuddled position as onlooker).  The sense of my own strength the next morning made it clear that I was in an invulnerable mode,  such that trust with 'vision' is beyond my questioning.  That is, I am essentially 'told' that nothing I do in the tonal matters at all (my tonal is near perfect), but that things I need to do in other attentions matters a WHOLE LOT.  This is not in the form of a pressing personal onus.*** Rather, I am being  'pushed firmly,' and I am unwaveringly being 'shown' what to do.  
  That you introduced Meditation to me was something you needed to do, and you did.  I am getting inklings that you are also aware of my 'job' to improve my dreaming. .  The display of inner 'faith' and energy is just plain getting stronger and stronger.  There is no waning, and self-doubts are snuffed by the magnitude.  The markings are all there; this is a freaky superb path we are on.   
   Throughout, notice I keep using accents on words, because these are all workings mostly beyond the conscious level; but the movement is experienced as very certain nonetheless.  I want to be clear to you that any suspicion you could have is understandably just, yet I assure you beyond my common understanding, that generally 'THIS WHATEVER' is not vague to my spirit.  It is fucking loaded that something good is happening.
   I mentioned to 'forget that' and just have fun around it, just as if we are going on a trip to NY.  However, several things on that.  You CAN anticipate as freely and greedily  as your heart desires.  Trust me, it is okay!  Get excited!  No harm will come of your moods one way or the other--not even emotions of doubt or disbelief.  
   Somehow that post about controlled folly came out of me automatically.  I recognize there are things you will be doing to prepare, and I believe you already are beginning to have a sense of this.  This is an area not to concern yourself with.  I want to addresss your possible uneasiness that you might feel somehow lacking.  YOU ARE NOT LACKING!!!  I would only suggest you get close to this path of your own heart and be warm (or cold) with that alone.  Your doings and not-doings will practically arise by themselves.  You will have whatever movements move you, and that will be more than sufficient without undue effort.  Obviously, AWARENESS is important, but that is what we do anyways.  There are to be no chains of your imagination here.  Be free to be Kaomea.  You will easily get beyond any fighting, liking, disliking, loving, connection, disconnection, anger, happiness, sexiness, stupidity, whatever between us.  These will not affect the unitive state.  Thank you for your videos.  I have a big smile on my face.  You are generous.  I ALWAYS am reading between the lines what is obscure to others ..your darkness is so delicious. You have disarmed me.  I AM the child of your deception. This is becoming more dangerously exhilerating.  I hope you are fully aware of just what you are doing to me.  I hope I am worthy.  This is exactly why I have the upperhand so to speak.  All I ever want to do is surrender.  But, I can't quite do it.  I'll try harder.   Oh no, I don't crave this light to come at all.  Yes, it is gloriously magnificent, but I WANT to be consumed by your dirty, obscene filthiness much MUCH more than any goodness in this eternity.  How is THAT for truth and detachment?
You CAN have your cake and eat it too!!

Now I will Meditate.

[Guest]

I read what you wrote prior to your editing your post to nothing.

Recently, I remember you saying you thought you were better at controlled folly. I rarely, if ever, remove my posts. I think I may have done so a handful of times, just because it was from MANY years ago and the thread itself was retarded, lol (it was a mashup of music videos). There was nothing relevant in it.

It's important to hold a state of awareness--controlled folly even, within our interactions. If you're looking back and feeling embarrassed or ashamed, then your controlled folly could use some attention. I know you believe you're more skilled than I am with controlled folly. Show me.

How did your meditation go?

[Guest]

billy wrote:3/10/2016
   
3/10/2016
So, so much is going on.   There was a shift that took place the night you intitiated chat (though I had a befuddled position as onlooker).  The sense of my own strength the next morning made it clear that I was in an invulnerable mode,  such that trust with 'vision' is beyond my questioning.  That is, I am essentially 'told' that nothing I do in the tonal matters at all (my tonal is near perfect), but that things I need to do in other attentions matters a WHOLE LOT.  This is not in the form of a pressing personal onus.*** Rather, I am being  'pushed firmly,' and I am unwaveringly being 'shown' what to do.  
  That you introduced Meditation to me was something you needed to do, and you did.  I am getting inklings that you are also aware of my 'job' to improve my dreaming. .  The display of inner 'faith' and energy is just plain getting stronger and stronger.  There is no waning, and self-doubts are snuffed by the magnitude.  The markings are all there; this is a freaky superb path we are on.   
   Throughout, notice I keep using accents on words, because these are all workings mostly beyond the conscious level; but the movement is experienced as very certain nonetheless.  I want to be clear to you that any suspicion you could have is understandably just, yet I assure you beyond my common understanding, that generally 'THIS WHATEVER' is not vague to my spirit.  It is fucking loaded that something good is happening.
   I mentioned to 'forget that' and just have fun around it, just as if we are going on a trip to NY.  However, several things on that.  You CAN anticipate as freely and greedily  as your heart desires.  Trust me, it is okay!  Get excited!  No harm will come of your moods one way or the other--not even emotions of doubt or disbelief.  
   Somehow that post about controlled folly came out of me automatically.  I recognize there are things you will be doing to prepare, and I believe you already are beginning to have a sense of this.  This is an area not to concern yourself with.  I want to addresss your possible uneasiness that you might feel somehow lacking.  YOU ARE NOT LACKING!!!  I would only suggest you get close to this path of your own heart and be warm (or cold) with that alone.  Your doings and not-doings will practically arise by themselves.  You will have whatever movements move you, and that will be more than sufficient without undue effort.  Obviously, AWARENESS is important, but that is what we do anyways.  There are to be no chains of your imagination here.  Be free to be Kaomea.  You will easily get beyond any fighting, liking, disliking, loving, connection, disconnection, anger, happiness, sexiness, stupidity, whatever between us.  These will not affect the unitive state.  Thank you for your videos.  I have a big smile on my face.  You are generous.  I ALWAYS am reading between the lines what is obscure to others ..your darkness is so delicious. You have disarmed me.  I AM the child of your deception. This is becoming more dangerously exhilerating.  I hope you are fully aware of just what you are doing to me.  I hope I am worthy.  This is exactly why I have the upperhand so to speak.  All I ever want to do is surrender.  But, I can't quite do it.  I'll try harder.   Oh no, I don't crave this light to come at all.  Yes, it is gloriously magnificent, but I WANT to be consumed by your dirty, obscene filthiness much MUCH more than any goodness in this eternity.  How is THAT for truth and detachment?
You CAN have your cake and eat it too!!

Now I will Meditate.




 
I appreciate your expression of your inward experiences.  As far as me getting excited and being eager, that's just not who I am now.  Think of the devil, can you imagine what he would look like if he got excited like they way you do?  It's refreshing, sure.  I think it's great on you.  There's a youthful virbrancy about that energy and I think you should carry it for as long as you're able.  You have a love for life--keep it that way, youthful.  I've experienced and witnessed many heavy experiences; so I just don't get excited the way you do.  I feel excited, definitely.  I'm often flooded with feelings of appreciation and amazement, I intensely adore many moments of closeness between people and their environment.  I still feel; but my expression is a shade muted.  So.  I do get excited.  I just don't show it the way you do.  Be assured it's there.  

Hmmm.  On lacking.  I think for anyone in a stage of growth, progress, or expansion there's always a feeling of lacking only because there is more to do yet.  I don't think I'll ever be finished either.  I appreciate your desire to make me feel like I'm enough; I do feel that way though.  Yet--there's always more to do xP so in a way, it's a constant state of fulfillment and lacking.  It's nice though, it doesn't bother me.  

I'm glad you're engaged, there's a lot happening Oh speaking of that.  There's a responsibility I feel toward you as you're shifting (as I'm sure Serloco feels as well).  I could completely disregard that responsibility and let you spin-out wherever your energy takes you.  However, I'd rather move chairs, tables, buildings, and people out of your way so that you do not accidentally injure yourself or others.  Why?  So that you may spin freely and completely immerse yourself in the experience.  It's beautiful to watch, even if I'm not a part of it.

[Billy]

I surely expected that you read that post.  I erased because of this being the open forum, and wasn't sure how you felt. Yes, I have erased at other times in different reasoning.  However, I will not ever erase a post again without great exception.  Thank you for the advisement.

I want to say heartfully that I hope you will feel better.  I saw that you weren't feeling well.  I will be more delicate > NICER!    (for now/smile)  PLEASE kaomea, take care of yourself!!!!! I will send the best healing vibrations I can in my meditation this afternoon.



 The further on this relation goes the better.  I like it that there is so very much to lose and gain.  You will make me cruelly suffer should you ever abandon me.  That is torturous beyond my comprehension, and I like that you should own that power to test my spirit.  I would imagine there is a twisted euphoria in such pain.  Oh, Kaomea... have mercy on me.  Even your little respites cause me exquisite compunction of heart.  Conversely, the promise of spiritual union and intimacy involves nothing short of sublime joy.  

     I find it freeing to know I cannot lose value from you either way. I wish to know you are gaining equally. I do think it is okay to keep each other tested in clever dialogue, to keep each other sharp.  I would always want to know if I am stressing you negatively, so I don't repeat the offensive cause. Please tell me in a separate post by itself or a PM where I can do something differently if I ever hurt you or my behavior that would hurt you.

I meditate with ease now.  Why is this?  Well, because in my spirit, NOTHING matters, but that I please you.  So frankly,  when I ask myself why should there be any other thoughts but those that concern you, it comes to be NOTHING at all is in my mind.  If I should happen on rememberance of you, this gravitates to two words, "Please (or worship) Kaomea."  This is rather awesome, because my mind/body/spirit becomes ignited with bliss.  Shaking My Head because of the intensity, consistency, and certainty is nothing like I have ever experienced.  And, I've experienced a lot!!  Not just in Meditation, but very often in my routine actions.  It permeates my life, yet it is light and free.

    Having more bliss than is already present to me is amazeballs (God I hate that word).  Laughing.  I understand, you would rather I contain my enthusiasm.. that I be more subtle.  Tough ****/lol.  You can rein me in with minimal effort, and we both know that.  You are doing what is right, aren't you my little puppy?  [meant so affectionately you would have tears in eyes, and yet with intent of double entendre]
   You are a very, very smart cookie Kaomea.  Have you done the figuring?  Yes, the darkness and light makes for some interestingly potent shadows.
 I don't think I am 'allowed' to be your pathetic bottom anymore, though sometimes I think I would like that.  In fact, I must get strong and lead you, as you too get strong and lead me as well.  That is the kind of the feel I am getting.  I will work diligently where my spirit asks of me.

    
I'm really excited you want to work with me! That makes me feel so good, like what I do actually matters here. Teaching is like a constant stroke to my ego, it truly is a flattering and amazing! Just think of all the awesome and amazing things we'll do together, just the two of us, it'll be fantastic, like one long whirlwind of euphoria in a space crafted for just our energies.
Without Serloco.
Without anyone else.
It will just be Billy and Kaomea.
How does that sound?
    
Then imagine this post expands on the prior one, at least five paragraphs long, going on and on about how we'll be doing cool stuff.

Now imagine this post branches off  [a million ways]...........................    ...........


I turn your sarcasm on its funny head, Kaomea.



Kaomea, get well!!

[Guest]

I'm not sick, lol. Also, don't be pathetic. Be strong and intelligent. I do gain from our dynamic; tis my community service xP actually, I've had people help me along my path. I think it's important we support others on theirs. "Education is not the filling of a vessel, it's the kindling of a flame." -from multiple authors. It's important we pass that on; to help when we are able and to guide when we know.

Eh, I was kidding and making a point of how irrational and impulsive you were being when I said those things to you. Taking it out of context is misleading.

Ah and yes, I know I'm smart. I just don't tell stories of my greatness. I mean, I like to surprise people. Telling people I'm awesome is stupid. I'd rather show them.

[Billy]

Kaomea, I have my strength in every position, I can do pathetic as well as anything else.  How else would I put my own dog collar on for you, without knowing confident detachment to protect myself. Not to say I would not have great pain if we were to disengage, but I have set that for myself willingly.  For me, turning the hurt of rejection into personal power (even pleasure) is something I already know.  I CAN manage my own states of mind quite niftily.  I play on your 'ownership' because I snatched that position out of infinity with abandon, given your supreme artfulness to procure that. [Thank you!]  There is infinite power there for me. You should understand this better than anyone.  I may where a collar, but I assure ya, if there is barking, it will be from you (another double entendre)  LAUGHING!!

   I do this stuff going way, way over the top here without too much restraint obviously.  Yet, let me say for your relief, I am also plenty within myself.  And truthfully, given the heights of interminable joy, this actually surprises me.  And, I don't see any limits anywhere, any time.  This started with the solidly profound recapitulation about four years ago.  THAT energy was astonishing!!  I went back after the key shame elements of that to brutalize (recap) myself again with refined focus.  I was merciless on myself.  I ripped my own heart out, and finally emptiness approached me.  That was a crucial turning point for obtaining my freedom.  When I came here, I was ready for serloco to open the doors. Then, with his help [Thank you, serloco], I was READY for you, Kaomea!  Smiles
  And, I am definitely not anywhere near topping right now concerning focus, energy, clarity, etcetera.  I am likely to become very sharp-minded after getting into my racing season.  Yes, you are right on how much more powerful it is to show someone, than to tell.  Then again, I doubt many are receiving this endless 'intrusion' of energy.  I would like to enjoy some depression (deflation) that comes from letting it out.
  
Stick around Kaomea (my fucking Goddess), this is, and is going to be unimaginable fun.

[Billy]

From Billy's book, "SHAME OMG DELICIOUS," written several years ago:

I have come to the point of knowing I am without center, without real worth, and lost.
I am nothing, but I find freedom and joy in this emptiness. {This is not disingenuous in
any way, nor hyperbole.}
This is a new experience for me. It seems, the empiricism of SEEING the terrible
emptiness is to spirituality, what winning the lottery is to temporal desire.
In time, and with no effort of conscious detachment, I became deeply seated in Peace.
I often live with presence of BEING. No quality or descriptor of perception matters; I
simply LOVE BEING and PLAYING. I am conscious of entertaining a total Freedom.


[url=

Dream Queen Lyrics      (from That creepy, corny guy Shawn Phillips--- Please listen to the whole song, Kaomea) 

She's the queen
of a castle she cant see
uhuuu
She's the queen
of somewhere in her dreams
uhuuu

And she's the most
unstable queen
her mood erodes
her given dreams

I gotta say that's a problem she's been working on
I gotta say she's afraid one day she'll be alone... with
her paper crown, her paper throne

She's a queen
of lovely integrity
uhuuu
She's a queen
of tangled insecurity
uhuuu

And she's the most
romantic queen
longing for
a perfect king

I hate to say she's been living with no open doors
will pass her by while she's looking for something more... than
real crowns, real thrones

Dream queen

There she goes
making plans
with somenone
she hasn't met
and may never

She may trade
her today
for anything
Tv-made
can't see what's real

Just give her a time
let's hope she doesnt hit the bottom hard
Giver her a time
we're staying close for her to realize
Give her a time
we'll always be around in case she cries


Billy Loves You, Kaomea

[Billy]

From Billy's book, "SHAME OMG DELICIOUS," written several years ago:

I have come to the point of knowing I am without center, without real worth, and lost.
I am nothing, but I find freedom and joy in this emptiness. {This is not disingenuous in
any way, nor hyperbole.}
This is a new experience for me. It seems, the empiricism of SEEING the terrible
emptiness is to spirituality, what winning the lottery is to temporal desire.
In time, and with no effort of conscious detachment, I became deeply seated in Peace.
I often live with presence of BEING. No quality or descriptor of perception matters; I
simply LOVE BEING and PLAYING. I am conscious of entertaining a total Freedom.

Billy Loves Kaomea

[Billy]

From Billy's book, "SHAME OMG DELICIOUS," written several years ago:

I have come to the point of knowing I am without center, without real worth, and lost.
I am nothing, but I find freedom and joy in this emptiness. {This is not disingenuous in
any way, nor hyperbole.}
This is a new experience for me. It seems, the empiricism of SEEING the terrible
emptiness is to spirituality, what winning the lottery is to temporal desire.
In time, and with no effort of conscious detachment, I became deeply seated in Peace.
I often live with presence of BEING. No quality or descriptor of perception matters; I
simply LOVE BEING and PLAYING. I am conscious of entertaining a total Freedom.
From Billy's book, "SHAME OMG DELICIOUS," written several years ago:

[url=


Billy Loves You Kaomea   Okay, I'll take you home

[Billy]

Alright, Kaomea.  I have extracted what I can selling my picture.  I trust I can be done with that now.  I'll inhabit a much calmer disposition.  You have great insight into me.  Thank you for that.

[Billy]

3/11/2016

I do not sleep much anymore. A few hours at most.  So, I am up 2:30 AM, and I meditate.  I never was able to have a mind empty of thought before this. Now I can obtain to that easily.  My morning meditations are not as desirable to me as ones later in the day.

    It is bizarre I actually look forward to to these afternoon meditations.  I am finding the right 'quality' too, and where to set my point of unconcern.  I am paying attention so that indifference and non-volition can generate a flow to create form.  For me this 'how to' is more important than the calming stillness.  I am not going to restate my intent of Meditating this particular post.  Do you hear me?

From now on (for now), I am going to go downward when you do.  I think I will even temper myself to evoke subtle darkness rather than light always.

[Billy]

3/11/2016

I do not sleep much anymore. A few hours at most.  So, I am up 2:30 AM, and I meditate.  I never was able to have a mind empty of thought before this. Now I can obtain to that easily.  My morning meditations are not as desirable to me as ones later in the day.

    It is bizarre I actually look forward to to these afternoon meditations.  I am finding the right 'quality' too, and where to set my point of unconcern.  I am paying attention so that indifference and non-volition can generate a flow to create form.  For me this 'how to' is more important than the calming stillness.  I am not going to restate my intent of Meditating this particular post.  Do you hear me?

From now on (for now), I am going to go downward when you do.  I think I will even temper myself to evoke subtle darkness rather than light always.  
   Holy Christ!  The first time from the sadness of indulging this down, the result was enticing pleasure in meditation.
   I do it a second time later ..  longer...   it was horrid really..  I got completely lost in the depth.. I trembled, and when I began coming out of being 'essentially unconscious' I returned to a more conscious meditation and heard an uninterupted buzzing sound emitted from the area of my navel for over a minute.  I stopped this.  I could not believe it could come from body, but it was so.  Very freaky.  I am thinking how terrible this experience, and yet I am most tempted to go here again.  This is very horrible and dark, and I feel a pain of my psyche. I have only known the light; I am led by my own desire to get to darker places that perhaps Kaomea knows from her witnessing heavy experiences.  I feel sick.

okay ..I got your message, but maybe more like hunting than fishing with lures, dearest, I will see the arrow sideways thru your guts like in a dream I posted.

[Billy]

3/11/2016

I do not sleep much anymore. A few hours at most.  So, I am up 2:30 AM, and I meditate.  I never was able to have a mind empty of thought before this. Now I can obtain to that easily.  My morning meditations are not as desirable to me as ones later in the day.

    It is bizarre I actually look forward to these afternoon meditations.  I am finding the right 'quality' too, and where to set my point of unconcern.  I am paying attention so that indifference and non-volition can generate a flow to create form.  For me this 'how to' is more important than the calming stillness.  I am not going to restate my intent of Meditating this particular post.  Do you hear me?

From now on (for now), I am going to go downward when you do.  I think I will even temper myself to evoke subtle darkness rather than light always.  
   Holy Christ!  The first time from the sadness of indulging this down, the result was enticing pleasure in meditation.
   I do it a second time later ..  longer...   it was horrid really..  I got completely lost in the depth.. I trembled, and when I began coming out of being 'essentially unconscious' I returned to a more conscious meditation and heard an uninterupted buzzing sound emitted from the area of my navel for over a minute.  I stopped this.  I could not believe it could come from body, but it was so.  Very freaky.  I am thinking how terrible this experience, and yet I am most tempted to go here again.  This is very horrible and dark, and I feel a pain of my psyche. I have only known the light; I am led by my own desire to get to darker places that perhaps Kaomea knows from her witnessing heavy experiences.  I feel sick.


okay ..I got your message, but maybe more like hunting than fishing with lures, dearest. I will see the arrow sideways thru you like in a dream I posted.

LAUGHING... I just realized if you are a fish, I will be more effective casting a baited hook into the bottom of the ocean.

Then I realized I already have caught  you ---  I can be preeety stupid, LOL   Now it is just a matter of when I decide to eat.

   The buzzing was from the candle. xD

Jeez, you thought this was a better idea that I lose my mind on the open forum instead of in RF???  WTF

I LAUGHED LIKE CRAZY.  lol

[Billy]

[url=

[Billy]

[url=

[Billy]

Respectfully on behalf of, and from the greatest sorcerer--don serloco.

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[Billy]

"Education is not the filling of a vessel, it's the kindling of a flame."  Yes, Kaomea. 

The flame you kindle is for me to form emptiness.. a vessel for you to enter and fill, so I may TASTE your elixir and drink fully. 

Such Erotic Symmetry that I will passionately enter and fill you in return.

[Billy]

My recent meditations are showing me guidance, giving me increased confidence every-which-way.

[Julio Juliopolis]

billy wrote: "Education is not the filling of a vessel, it's the kindling of a flame."  Yes, Kaomea. 

The flame you kindle is for me to form emptiness.. a vessel for you to enter and fill, so I may TASTE your elixir and drink fully. 

Such Erotic Symmetry that I will passionately enter and fill you in return.

[Julio Juliopolis]

What is this Journey of Billy's spirit? From whence do you hail? To whence do you travel? Why do you choose to go there? Where will you go after?