Casual Conversation

[serloco]

//www.youtube.com/embed/z_vSRFODAxU

[Billy]

To Mornings Son:  I am not internet literate, and virtually never message.  I have read enough long before this to understand a little of your naugal 'task.'  Regardless of being circumspect or not, in matter of spirit at hand, I surely am not drawn to become expansive in ways that are perceivable to 'normal' persons, or normal 'seekers,' or naugals.  In fact, I retreat. 

As you might know, serloco has a deft touch with the spirit.  He has helped me to find my way to a forlorn heart, barren of meaning.  How do you explain to someone that the sadness there is beautiful and comforting?

And still, I am learning of your world and will manifest that in some form.  Ironically, the previous song video Steer is apropos.

[serloco]

The Spirit, very often, works throuh all of us.. the song i posted i did not agree with very part of it, but yes it surely can and often does cater to the moment an all within it.

[Billy]

You have taught me to have a fierce heart, one that knows what it longs for.  I can TASTE it.  This makes for a simple heart.  I can feel you right now and you magnify my desire.

[serloco]

funny cuz i was just pouring desire on a helpless little girl and she had to let me go to take a cold shower...

[Billy]

Do you know I can do 12345678910 GAP infinity and find that zone half the time and get a good blast half the time.  Typically do that a couple times a week (what does it matter if its pschology, or connection, or whatever?)  It's a nice little rush I get.  Cool.

[Billy]

By the way, you or her had to take the cold shower?

[Billy]

I don't just retreat well.  I project too.

[serloco]

billy wroteo you know I can do 12345678910 GAP infinity and find that zone half the time and get a good blast half the time.  Typically do that a couple times a week (what does it matter if its pschology, or connection, or whatever?)  It's a nice little rush I get.  Cool.Yes I know that about you... I see it.. I feel like it is me...

[serloco]

billy wrote:By the way, you or her had to take the cold shower?She did.. i do not wnt t calm down... but she sai it didn't work.. she sai she broke out the toys... i told her it woudnt compare.... she said she gives good head... i said I know.. hahaha! I am talking to two girls right now... another is away.. she wants my training she said.. poor girl doesn't know what she is in for...  massages and slavery...

[Billy]

As far as I see, my last 3 posts were gibberish.  If I could have erased, I would have.  Yet, I felt comfortable.  I knew I was subconsciously caught in a reaction to the 'ticket' offer.  Nothing on my part needs to be said.

[serloco]

Yeah you should feel comfy... I don't see gibberish really... not here anyways... I appreciate yer postins in all truth..

[Billy]

In sciences (esp. biophysiology), from early dna forms to the evolved animals, sex-life organisms have three acquired & required traits.
1) Attraction
2) Arousal
3) Approach
Every human characteristic and emotion HAD to evolve from these traits.  The success rate for possible life as from progenitorship is infinitesimally small.  Our own existence is practically a miracle.

In natural selection, most animals required an adaptation to trait # 3 (for survival).  This adaptation, converse to Approach (coitus) is Withdrawal.  
Withdrawal was necessary because typically the dominant or fittest male ruled a subset of species to the point of necessary compliance.

This is where developed philosophy concerning my existence found home.  There is the drive to recreate self & to live on, yet immediate survival overrules.  Withdrawal not only became instinctual in evolution, but also a physiological part of the human brain.  

I did a good amount of research on apes as our predecessors, and made the connection, that to approach or withdraw fosters all the other emotions.  (I believe Science supports this)

The two primary self-conscious emotions are pride and shame.  

CLEARLY pride evolved from the approach trait.  Its EXACT body language in apes is inherent in humans  today, and there is actually a specific genome discovered that distinguishes the dominant apes.

CLEARLY shame evolved from the withdrawal trait.  Its EXACT body language in apes is also manifested in humans.

Besides study in neuroscience, studies of the blind also show that pride and shame are not electives that are learned.  Humans are naturally wired for both.

When I did recapitulation, I began to observe withdrawal.  (I already had a bent against approach, and realistically based on facts, very very few human males are majority alpha.  By and large, both female and male humans are recessive). 
 
I am what I am.  So I followed my logic and withdrawal at the phenomenological roots onward.  OMG, approach (pride) and withdrawal (shame) are so effing primal, so effing deep.  The extent of existential feel I explored would blow most person's minds (AND, I visited pride and shame at both extremes).   Approach requires much more energy in maintenance, but I DO love it too.
Withdrawal at the phenomenological level brings the existential equation to the forefront.  IF staying alive NOW is more important to most species than procreating, could it not be true also that one is better off choosing non-existence?  
   The way to make the equation tangible is to reduce it a concept labeled worthlessness.  In conventional understanding, I would be 'worth more' if I am capable of creating life, I would be 'worth less' if I were inadequate to do so.  To become 'worth less' this way and then all which ways in imagination engenders a sense of true worthlessness & ultimately EMPTINESS (Emptiness of purpose definitely, and of emptiness of meaning existentially).  

You go out in phenomenolgy (approach).  I reduce it to nothing (withdrawal).   

BOTH can be very powerful energetically, energetically, energetically.  WTF!?  (wink)
We are not going to be friends serloco.  We are going to be, and 'Do' or 'not do' as you eloquently say.  I do love you though--as you understand that the same way I do.

I could be very penetrating of your conceptualness to suit your own devices.  You are a great and generous benefactor.  Per Juan Matus: I am 'wide awake', have balance of 'fear and respect' and have 'absolute assurance.'  I could not have said that the same way two months ago.  Thank you.

P.S.  To those 'friending' me.  I don't WANT friends lol.

[Billy]

Okay, I'll be your friend (laugh).  You are as coldly detached as they come serloco.  Can you have a warm heart too? (hmm)

The dominant ape of the harem has about ten females and ten submissive males.  The dominants account for more than 80% of progeny.  Submissives risk harm or brutal death if they touch the females the dominant prohibits them.  The dominant goes to any female to insert his finger in her vagina to TASTE if she is ready or/and fertile.  Imagine the submissives, who can be every bit as much attracted to and aroused by the females, but have to accept denial and withdraw.

[Billy]

So, why this talk about withdrawal?  Where is the power payoff?  
   Withdrawal is a consuming self-conscious state.  It is still conducive to objectivity in the moments of its occurence.  Withdrawal can draw on its relation to ALL of the world rather than limited identities as with other emotions.  Withdrawal also can be very specific about what it retracts from.  In unencumbered state (free of conventional forces), withdrawal is accompanied or followed by clarity of existence specifically and generally.  Such clarity in withdawal gives premise to profound emptiness, from which ALL WHOLENESS is realized.  Withdrawal can be simply intended, and it can become immediately pure.  Empiricism in pure withdrawal is graceful--full of peace, joy, and at times rapture.  
   I am a dreamer, but I have my TASTE often enough to say I am an 'expert.'  I am able to 'teach' it.

[Billy]

You are a once in a lifetime find serloco.  The affinity is indescribable.  I can imagine what can be done with you at my flank.  I will return the favor, by at the very least acknowledging your force while connected.  If you receive too, you need not even say so.  I am closer to the ways of unbending intent, and everything I do is gaining the quality of being the most appropriate act.  If nothing else, I SEE my 'mistakes' have no weight and I move forward.
   I am always aware that the winds of change can bring something different, but I view challenges right now sobery and often akin to pleasantry.  There is no reason to lose that quality.  Talk to me dear serloco--tell me what you want me to hear--I know my own doing and not-doing.  Maybe I am 'stalling' a bit perhaps from your view.  Maybe not.  I am asking, do you want something? 

   I hope not.  Because, I like what I can do with THIS.  I hope THIS is right for you too.

[serloco]

I am cold.. yes. I feign warmth, can even make it real, but underneath me is cold icey infinity.

I do not need anything no, I have what I desire. I can go out there and conquer or I can make my own way.. I am satisfied. I get loads of attention and dream my way.. My allies are cold, and they give me warmth when I feel like I may need comfort. I was a warm person in my life, submissive and gentle, giving. Years in Infinity an in the iob world changed that. IOB's, don Juans IOBS, are colder then ice. I think they invented ice. lol. It is no wonder he didn't like them, I hate them personally.

I liked the stuff about apes and being alpha male. I can relate to it. I do not think that pride and shame are the most primal emotions but are indeed close to it. I think love and sorrow are. That's just me though.

Yesterday I met an IOB female and I said she is loving, warm, n telepathic. She caters and sees. I said she knows the perfect answers. Dangerous. I fell. I a a **** who should know better, but she feels so good... Mixture of pride and love there, and a hint of shame.

[serloco]

Submissive lil bitches.. everyone of them.. do not stand a chance!! Mop my floor !!!! CLean my house... bring me presents. make my sciences for me.. sing my songs!! I dont want no lip either.. just do it and stop bthcing,, you like it. I want to see that love and that enjoyment too..!!!

[serloco]

I am mostly kidding.. I love my allies, and feed them mostly love.. I do slap them in place from time to time.. but I feed them my love mostly... i found it better then fear, all though at times i do get them to scare me. Terror is humbling.. and it keeps me in check, also gives me great power. all the terrifying allies become mine, i claim them and their scary feats too... people fear me often..

[Finwe]

Silence.

[Xlyer]

its bait.

[Billy]

Ha, "hint of shame."  You make it a dirty word.  I won't use it any more.  Besides, you miss the point.  Maybe I have gotten off on relating to the conventional definition, but now I want the foundation--THAT has not a thing to do with the societal interpretation.  (alternate word) Withdrawal is about an organism's disposition for survival.  Do you think the dominant ape could ever achieve pretense and detachment?  No way!
   The non-dominants were not ashamed as in its current usage.  The gestures of appeasement and deference were simply instinctual & eventually objective tools, and the basis for the wise man's 'positive' pretense and detachment.  Humans, in the cycles of non-stop self-reflection and 'unnecessary' self-imaging twisted withdrawal's capacity backwards.
    Virtually every animal is aware of its particular isolation from world, but leave it to humans to become more like communal ants than individuals.  You had better belong or there is something wrong with you, but the reality is no one can belong, except in awareness that we share the common condition of being isolated.

   When I was a very little boy I was the family's adorable show-off.  In pre-adolescence I was very popular in my neighborhood and competitive in sports.  However, in pre-adolescence (1st grade on through 8th), I was also humiliated big-time in Catholic school because I was considered stupid (a whole different set of kids).   I lived in terror that my 'stupid' image would infect my homelife high-esteem by intersecting.  But worse than anything, my only visibility to girls was one of mockery at school.   It really fucked me up even as I became accomplished in high school, and had the best of fraternal college life.  (I was a good wrestler too)  But, I did not even copulate even though I could get girls, because that's how repressed my sexuality was from childhood derision in front of girls.  When I figure that out, I became especially attractive to females.
  I could go on, but one point is that I manifested both ends of the self-esteem spectrum.  AND, I became very lucky to find those things that made me aware & 'spiritual.'

  Recapitulation took me back to my worst memories.  I had an incredibly painful experience of wanting to self-negate myself.  I came out of a trance and was petrified because I did not know how to function and was frozen for several minutes.  Immediately then, I unavoidably had to interact with my family, but couldn't, so I hid myself by turning away even though I was being spoken to etc.  I was a mess, but staring at coals in a furnace calmed me, and when I was called upon my brain stopped the world; it became an unanimated object.  I came out of it as my granfather began cutting my hair with electric clippers.  The hum, vibration, and feel brought some ecstacy and then some normalcy.

   Early on, I could not handle the stress of leaving a good world to a bad one on a daily basis.  I had stomach aches often.  Subconscious dreams gave my mind reprieve at times.  The girls of my class would come and let me know they saw my condition, and let me know I was disrespected, and then piss on me--that was if I was lucky they would do me such a favor.  If that happened I had fantastic rapture.  But other dreams were not as kind-- they showed me just how mechanical, and meaningless my life was, and how alone I was.  When I revisit that state now as best I can, it is a spectacularily comforting glimpse into the 'worst' isolation.  THAT is my home.  Love Phildel's Switchblade.  I know the landscape and the dusk.

[Billy]

Don't tell ME you don't have a warm heart, it is one of your favorite masks.  You do know, on that account> masks  I AM IDENTICAL.  You get it; I get it.  You 'do' or 'not do' it-- I 'do' or 'not do it' (by pretending, of course)

[serloco]

I DO like you though... much love billy boy! Big ol sloppy mushy hug for you!

[Billy]

You can tend to your 'suitors.'  This **** on the board is unnecssary anyway.  I can guide my intent to get what 'I want' --as you can.  Spirit