billy's basic detachment practice

[Billy]

Instead of Dali's nebulous physics as to time, why not use the common syntax?  Afterall, every word written in the forum derives from standard tonal origin.  Transcend that?  Hmmm.  I don't think so.

When I'm ready, I am going to relay a life story vision of time and recap.

[Billy]

A caveat: This following story is about billy, his lovely (laughing) self-importance, personal history highlighted, and some irresponsibility to boot.  I don't have any ideas for you to dig through.  This is how I see IT (for now).

   I lived a childhood anomoly.  I had the best of family environs in a middleclass neighborhood conducive to positive experience; on the other hand I went to a Catholic elementary school for eight years, wherein I was pegged as stupid and bullied.
   I was popular enough with my neighborhood friends (to illustrate), that they frequently helped me deliver newspapers so I could be free to play baseball, football, whatever with the group.  I was very integral and had good self-esteem.  Fortunately, none of my neighborhood friends were in my school class, by virtue of going to public school or being a year or two younger or older than myself. 

  Still, I lived a fucking nightmare in elementary school, and it took its toll.  I remember one experience when 13 years old when I looked in a mirror and could no longer stand my despicable sense of worthlessness connected to school life.  Fear and adrenalin overtook me, and I took an unforgetable inward journey in a stunned daze.  I willed myself to disappear from existence.  When I came out of this a few minutes later, my mind would not function and I was petrified.  I did not know how to be billy.  I was at my grandparents' with immediate family on Easter.  When I was called to come where the others were gathered, I had to pretend to be real, and I avoided looking at anyone.  THAT I could not do; I was close to breaking down.  My grandfather was giving haircuts in the basement.  I hid by the furnace until I was called by mother to come sit in the haircutting stool where I would be the focal point.  Somehow I stopped the world I was in.. in that time and place nothing around me was real.   

   When I graduated to high school I was free from the bullying, and began to develop there, and then flourished throughout college and after-college.  The extensive damage from elementary experience was forgotten until about five years ago when I engaged recapitulation.  I had no fucking clue this stuff was ever in my life until the recap; I mean, it was buried.

  The recapitulation brought astonishing clarity and energy, and I kept that on a steady course via detachment practice.  I tried to re-live attempted self-annihilation I had as a boy, especially after I realized the very worst life experiences brought forth in recap could be objectified and would  render immense joy.  SADNESS is beautiful-- don't you know?  (...it is there to make you laugh-Don Juan).

   Now you begin to understand why I was able to continue on a 'radical' path through shame into an emptiness experience.  I'll say over and over, the philosophical negation of self-importance is a ruse to let you see unmitigated self clearly.  I am more self-important 'billy' than I ever have been.  Personal history spices expansiveness of the spirit and nuanced PLAY within a full scope controlled folly.. provided there is detachment and no self-importance images and personal history images to protect.

Note I say, "images."  I think I am very real.

   Soon I will describe more of the initial emptiness experience I had a few years ago, and relate what transpired thereafter, prehaps including 'overview' ideas.

[Billy]

When you recapitulate in earnest, trust me that the experiences which took your vital energy away were ones that involved resentment.  This is what has to be penetrated to clarify the simple presence of being alive and reclaiming a vital S E L F>  Capital letters S -E -L -F for authentic being.

   Marital disintegration, and the utmost magnitude of unbridled hatred was happening.  I wrote simply to maintain sanity, and this morphed into detailed recap without my conscious intention.  I quickly realized what Don Juan was talking about, especially that it only takes an idea, and the spirit will respond.  I had SO MUCH energy for months and months and months.  Seemingly INCREDIBLE energy.

   There were small 'effective miracles' taking place throughout the rollercoaster of my marriage sometimes gone raging crazy .   Mostly, on that count, my wife was totally rejecting me.  This was very, very, very, very painful.  Yet, recap showed me definitively the self-destructive, energy draining quality of resentment.  Recap showed me that nothing in my life is about other people; it is about my essence.  I began to feel connected to my own body; I could feel its radiance.  Thereafter, my marriage rewarded me more often than not.

   I wanted to challenge the existential states of pain I recalled having as a little boy, and I set out to regenerate those feelings of worthlessness in myself and profusely attempted negation.  I'll tell you, though I understood there was an underlying detachment, I brutally abased my sense of being in privacy for several weeks.  I began having a short, recurring, ever identical nightmare.  I've never know such intense foreboding; it reeked of death.  About ten consecutive nights this happened.  One morning I woke up knowing this was over.  It was very strange in that I was free from the import of a world.  In fact I was free of anything whatsoever.  I had no clue what to do, as nothing mattered enough to reflect on.  My emotions began to run wild and without direction (they would settle after a couple weeks). Yet, underneath was a stupendous peace deep within.  I did not care that I had no direction or idea of control, as I could return at will to this underlying equanimity.  {I can draw on this even now as I write}  This peace, is the emptiness/indifference I often mention.  It has become a canvas for dynamic action.  It is also why am able to steadily post here.

   This quality too made me very receptive to serloco's ideas beginning just over a year ago.  It was as if I were waiting for him (or vice versa).

[Billy]

I'm going to go back to a day I was sitting on my bed as an adolescent boy.  I was using toy soldiers as players in imaginary football.  My pretending ended abruptly when angst pangs intruded and brought a stark fear about what my future would become.  I think it was the first time I thought about a projected future.  I apprehended that this was a bizarre experience to be remembered, and I grasped for a view of myself decades ahead  {Much adrenalin}.   This memory evolved from my recap four or five years ago, and I realized OMG > I could never have dreamed of the auspicious life I have now in every respect, even considering ominous world affairs and the struggles of other people. 

    My first two mentors in awareness predominantly grounded such awareness in the tonal.  My affinity for understanding meaninglessness was my own.  My non-theist view was my own, my predilection to Castaneda's writings was my own.  My sinking into the humble state was my own.  Yet, I would be lost without the help, ideas, and tools from others.  There is a treasure trove of that on this forum, and serloco leads the way as it concerns my interests.  I share what I can too.

    Pretending/imagining is a big part of what I've done.  The seemingly intangible ideas are effective, but I have balance.  I like Ayn Rand for cultivating reason, Castaneda for cultivating imagination and space, a' Kempis for cultivating heartfelt humbleness, and paraplegic Sanford for a reminder of conceivable pain.

   Add serloco to that list for the cultivation of sorcery.

[Billy]

I have just been reiminded by serloco the serious business of the mainstay practice of detachment.  Imagine holding a head of chilled iceberg lettuce in your hand.  Dig your fingers in and feel the cold, crispy sensation as you separate that bulky head into two objects. 

   This is a new idea to me..  that is to ascertain the qualities of coldness, crispness, focus, and concentrated action to pull substance apart.  That is, detachment should have these qualities.  Thank you for clarifying this serloco.

[Billy]

I do not invest myself in holding world and emotion. {detachment}

{detachment}

             {detachment}

Understand what to do with the lettuce.

[Billy]

This will be a good piece...   as implied other times, I overstate some sentiments etc., as what happens here is ongoing work of exploiting the possibilities.  Nevertheless, there is much truth to the actualization and spirit regarding my posts.  The other 'stories' people tell themselves beget misery from what I can tell.  Part of being on a path is the ongoing 'story' being told.  I'm tired of hearing the **** of leaving conventional stories for the ones that attempt ommision of self as the final outcome.  I certainly get the value of self-negation and moving around self-importance as a technique, but the story billy tells has knowledge of billy being the subject no matter how he edits it.

   That said, detachment practice is everything I say it is.  I alluded to how perfect my life is right now in any conventional sense, and of course I mean that.  I have everything I want.  
 
   But detachment has its own caveat..  if you rely on detachment to only neutralize 'negative' emotions and aspects of life, you are likely to have miserable results.  Avoidance of pain in favor of pleasure is natural, and a good thing.  However, nasty things happen in life, and 'unbearable' states of being can occur too.  So while I made the point to say how well I'm doing as concerns typical human wants, I can tell you my focus is mainly and necessarily on the detachment process. 

     Progressive detachment will make it clear that judgements about conditions, events, and typical pleasure status cannot rule the day.  I am safe and secure as can be, but only in so far as I have tempered myself.  I did that slowly and surely by examining perception with detached awareness (redundant).  I finally began seeing past self-reflected expectations.  More and more I SAW life's moments as a pure form of existential vibrancy.  I mean, I found joy and satisfaction however life presented itself, including those times it was most painful.  I knew to explore and savor mind states that normally repel.
This makes me more invulnerable as ultimately nothing can threaten me.  This is why I am now able to change the dynamics in my relations.  When I am aware, I am free.  There is no energy needed to protect myself. When I am aware, I act in world's folly authentically.  Nothing can stand against that.

    Now, I'll say this again..  I have not arrived at some 'super' level.  I am right where you are.  I have the same challenges.  Yet, I am richer than most in awareness, because my energy is not completely fettered away on useless evaluations in self-reflection.  Actually, I have lots of useless self-reflection; only now it has no weight and my body more often exudes sensations of simple presence.

   Even as I write this, I am nurturing the ideas.  Even if I am not enlightened, I am pretending that I AM. 
(smiling)

[Billy]

To serloco:  Please confirm if/when you receive content in mail, so I need not concern myself with that.

Let me put that another way; you should have gotten it already; let me know if you haven't.

[Billy]

When your sense is unsettled, a subtle anxiety that things are not going well in whatever moments, this is an imperative time to detach.  Now, this also reminds me the variousness of detachment.  The crisp, narrowly focused detachment akin to separating iceberg lettuce is not conducive to states of being that are not easily reduced as concerning specific causation. 
  I mean, if I have a definite resentment directed to something or someone, or if I have an identifiable pressing issue or emotion, I can rip THAT 'lettuce' and dispense of it just as described and kick off the pieces.  

   Forget the lettuce example altogether.  Detach however you do it, but I do mean to note one of the qualites of enslavement to your own emotions.  Notice as you catch on to apply detachment whenever, that your state of mind was in 'look, move, or escape forward mode.'  I mean if you pause, you'll notice a subtle (or not so subtle) hurry to your demeanor.  You may or may not recognize with some specificity the stimuli that are captivating you.  I'll reiterate that it is important/necessary only in the earlier stages of practice to understand what attachments or mechanisms of mind have hold of you.  I know from empiricism, that nothing is compelling enough to enslave me, and that whatever attachment exists is bogus.  So if, when and however I am held, I know to separate.  I create space; I breathe (note how often a big, natural sigh occurs).  Life is 'unfair?'  So what of it?  Attachment sucks!  

   What if I detach from a known emotional culprit and it persists holding on?  This is not uncommon to me.  However, any state of mind is what it is for now.  As with any broader experience that is not desired, I have to absorb with my broader resource of indifference.  This cannot be fake.  You must know this emptiness first hand.  If what you learn here is to protect you from insecurity of fate, forget it.  This gets confused in the false mysticism of enlightenment; your reason needs to step forward to reveal the time/space quality of your essential beingness.  You will then understand CHOICE clearly.

   If you are unnsure what I am saying, refer to Don Juan's seven principles of stalking.

[serloco]

yes, but dont worry my frined and ally. if i need space and detachment i know it will be there.. lets detach from the old way and the old sayings and embrace connection and purity..

yes i got the flow my man and thank you it paid my rent and kept me off the streets..

[Billy]

omg, I could have done so much more.  However, I spent half the race meet finding stability and was betting very small amounts.  Next year I will reach a different level in that regard.  I may do some more playing via internet, but it really is difficult to be tuned into details and subtleties the way that is needed to make a profit.

I'll erase the personal posts.  Of course, you may do as you please as to yours.  I don't really care.  I Love you derek

[serloco]

you should past as you do, but please do not solely be attched to me. i welcome your help and your eyes that see so very well, but i would never want to hook you to me, and need you to live life for yourself too.. i wish you could use that controlled folly to embrace better the love of your wife. and better enhance your relationships with people around you.. i am trying to do the same but have been failing because i am so mad at iobs and disappaointed with my own people. sorry people.. i love you all still i am just sad and alone. thank you all though for your efforts.. you too billy.

[Billy]

Okay... billy wants to be alone too. (for now)

[serloco]

sorry if i upset you my friend. i just realized that within everyone, including your wife and friends although you say you have few is a host, a reality, like a living god or goddess that knows you and knows your heart aand can be anything you make of it. i just dont want you to miss out on life and relationships and making them all you can make them into for you and for your peeps.. much love to you billy.. you are beautiful.

[serloco]

billy come back!

[serloco]

I sure do love self importance.. my energy and knowledge is pretty amazing yes but not as much as I would like. my reign over time is fun and beautiful but often love and allowance is greater. keep that in mind with your wife... keep emitting loving energy.

[serloco]

i am sorry i pushed you away, your advice an help i sound and thank you.

[serloco]

However billy you are lagging in your controlled folly.. nothing needs to be unbearable. you need not accept this nor give this form of power out. a lesson we both better accept straight away.

[Billy]

Oh! You don't mean nothing at all to me...

[Billy]

Infinite shades of meaning in everything.  May I please be flippantly droll?  'Lovely' meaning in the indifference?  (laugh) Then who needs detachment?

I have a genuinely cynical bent right now...

https://www.google.com/search?q=girls+j ... 8&oe=utf-8

[Billy]

Infinite shades of meaning in everything.  May I please be flippantly droll?  'Lovely' meaning in the indifference?  (laugh) Then who needs detachment?

I have a genuinely cynical bent right now... (and i like it)

https://www.google.com/search?q=girls+j ... 8&oe=utf-8

[Billy]

serloco ('unbearable'):  ...you need not accept this nor give this form of power out

[Billy]

serloco ('unbearable') " ...you need not accept this nor give this form of power out."

[Billy]

I am having abysmal lethargy.  I do not have an appetite to regulate anything; that is, I just absorb whatever comes along.  It is not something I am at odds with; I am acquiescing like never before.  I wonder at times how low I can go/lol.  So, I am talking straight-up to my friends here as to why this abysmal lethargy is different (non-threatening).

   I really have learned in detachment mechanics to segregate feelings from events {I automatically move past causation}.  I mean, experiences have their metaphysical impact whoever or however you are.  Now, the aftermath of emotions are a different story.  So, slowly but surely, I comprehended to contain only the state of mind, and reduce and separate.  There is tons of energy from the personal events I speak of, and that energy essentially is moved to the mind state because of my choice to isolate and confine it there.  This energy would likely be problematic without prior habitual detachment, but now it is stored in the vast void of my SELF {the imaged self would be rendered hopeless (I really do not have strong ties to the imaged self anymore, but if you've read serloco lately, you'll understand there are challenges to having the SELF be truly barren)}.

   Anyway, I am reminded when serloco once wrote, "I surely do love my depression."  Well, I surely do love my abysmal lethargy. 

   When you hone objectivity on states of mind, something very pleasant happens; you begin to observe them with simple awareness.  Most states are already energetically compelling to start with, so the unobstructed view is easy to maintain.  You will be amazed how states of mind that were painful and repugnant can become entertainment. 

   Worth adding here:

   Think of the advantage, if when challenged by events, you were to see opportunity in the derivative mind states. 

   Obviously, you take attention away from the challenge (separation/clarity), and bring openess/acquiesence to life.  Instead of energy lost, there is net gain of energy.

[Billy]

I am having abysmal lethargy.  I do not have an appetite to regulate anything; that is, I just absorb whatever comes along.  It is not something I am at odds with; I am acquiescing like never before.  I wonder at times how low I can go/lol.  So, I am talking straight-up to my friends here as to why this abysmal lethargy is different (non-threatening).

   I really have learned in detachment mechanics to segregate feelings from events {I automatically move past causation}.  I mean, experiences have their metaphysical impact whoever or however you are.  Now, the aftermath of emotions are a different story.  So, slowly but surely, I comprehended to contain only the state of mind, and reduce and separate.  There is tons of energy from the personal events I speak of, and that energy essentially is moved to the mind state because of my choice to isolate and confine it there.  This energy would likely be problematic without prior habitual detachment, but now it is stored in the vast void of my SELF {the imaged self would be rendered hopeless (I really do not have strong ties to the imaged self anymore, but if you've read serloco lately, you'll understand there are challenges to having the SELF be truly barren)}.

   Anyway, I am reminded when serloco once wrote, "I surely do love my depression."  Well, I surely do love my abysmal lethargy. 

   When you hone objectivity on states of mind, something very pleasant happens; you begin to observe them with simple awareness.  Most states are already energetically compelling to start with, so the unobstructed view is easy to maintain.  You will be amazed how states of mind that were painful and repugnant can become entertainment. 

   Worth adding here:

   Think of the advantage, if when challenged by events, you were to see opportunity in the derivative mind states. 

   Obviously, you take attention away from the challenge (separation/clarity), and bring openess/acquiesence to life.  Instead of energy lost, there is net gain of energy.

  Now back to my lethargy...