billy's basic detachment practice

[serloco]

What is death billy?

[Billy]

serloco wrote:What is death billy?

As you noticed, I refrained from description.  I am with you 100% for what it is not.

I have no plans for conventionally determined cessation of life.  For myself, death is the foreboding of 'doom' that empirically negates the confusion of worldly attachment.. it is the summation of fate to be faced, embraced, and detached from; then it is a reliable friend just as you are.

I would like you to say what you will about 'what death is.'   I'd like it very much.


MORE: 

I came to post a reflection of the billy 'pendulum' moving the other way.  I don't like that, so I won't.  Just suffice it to say I am humble enough not to take my own writing seriously.  On the other hand, if I look for guidance, I read my own stuff.  It is VERY good.  (I read serloco's stuff too)

[Billy]

I am just getting that I requested for a question, and that you considerately engaged with, "What is death billy?"

I should have expected no less, that you would oblige with that question.  Thank you.

Death (for now) is going to move my assemblage point a bit.  Also, you are very near right now; you will help me shift my attention.  Sorcery is beautiful.

[serloco]

so what is death that i will? I don't, well not really. I used to.. Death is described in my death defier thread.. However its energy are used for transformation, as well as shifting, and of course it is freedom.. where there is nothing anything may be.. it is free space and motion.. life flows into death..

[Billy]

the death defying thread is in the ART OF STALKING section.

[Billy]

I was at the funeral home tonight for the death of my wife's sister.  Her uncle addressed me, speaking of life being too short, and speaking also for myself about "our dying."  I matter-of-factly corrected him, "I'm not going to die."

After showing expression of surprise, he went on a minute or so about the prospects of living eternally and how miserable life is... etc.  I did not say anything.  Then, as if wiping the slate clean, he asked me about the thoughts on my death. 

I replied, "I answered that already," and walked away.

   I was with people I did not much care for.  I was easily reserved.  I did not put on the 'usual' societal faces.  I was myself.  I don't ever remember being myself before in such loaded societal environs.  It felt good to have such control.

[serloco]

I used to have that problem. See i decided to use my allies and ove the people in my dream to teach me death defying.. now the only death they speak of in when i have something in my awareness that could kill me, and then they advise me so I can change the awareness and the choice.. also my allies are strong enough to jack me away from danger.. However first and foremost are my wards tat say my perfect energy body will avoid all death.. fast and perfectly. But yes I once was in a world where they sought to make for me many different deaths.. It was sad. Whenever i started stalking death they would fly in and begin countering my shifts.. and trying to force me to intend my death .. i suggest calling them your allies.. and then they wil help you instead.. advise you, and change your body of awareness to countermand your death if you need it..

[serloco]

[serloco]

EVEN IF YOU SAY ITS WRONG

[Billy]

Going to watch some games, drink a little wine.  Talk later.

[Billy]

Ooooh, building a mystery and choosing so carefully.

[Billy]

So, in this Catholic church, as people sat and rose, and sat again in whatever Mass ritual, when the priest cued for people to kneel it is always the one posture I refuse (so I sat).  Ironically, I have no doubt that any attrative woman could raise up her skirt and have me on my knees in no time; otherwise, I have an uncompromising disdain of worship.  serloco knows God; I wish he would present this entity so as I could vent my disgust.

I enjoyed that irreverance. However, I have fashioned an image of God suitable to myself that manifests in/as/from worthlessness. {Really}

I have gone there this morning to examine what it is that makes myself connected and pure.  Better yet, I obtained to those affections of being connected and pure.  I sure do love that I am stupid simpleton/lol.

[Billy]

My two older sisters were gracious to attend (was no way expected).  I have referred to them as vampires, because they are conservative, proper, elitists who used to steal energy from me.  I have made one of them an ally, and she looks to me because I shifted attentions on our relation {seriously (a story for another time)}.

    I tell her of some things concerning my sorcery inroads; now and then (rarely) I like to tell her (and also my wife) about serloco.  With my sister, I simply refer to him as 'the sorcerer,' and with my wife I call him derek {my wife has full acknowledgement that he is a sorcerer, and a damn good (stupendously great) one}

    Now understand, my wife and this particular sister would be the last ones given to such 'nonsense,' which is to say they are affected enough now, to take it seriously.  This sister has asked me sincerely if derek would act in favor for her addicted son.  With little exception, I do not appeal to derek this way.  Where I make exception to ask, derek intercedes most effectively (fucking miraculously really).

   I am in the church pew looking up at the figure of Christ on the cross having just absorbed the fire of the resurrection concept (death defying).  Anyone here notice, I requested a question and only serloco responded..  "What is death billy".. preeeety rich there derek.  OMG I Doooo LOVE you.  {I CAN go so much deeper here into EVERYTHING/!NOTHING}

[Billy]

a billy TASTE of lovely billy aloneness......  ...

[Billy]

I am having the experience of seemingly profound enclosure by my own expression of emptiness.  Even in dreams, the wallls (figuratively/even literally) are compressing so as to leave no spiritual or bodily space.  This is not anything like a literal sense of suffocation, rather it is that my professed meaninglessness is actualizing > it is TERRIBLE, TROUBLING.. and yet I am sooo hungry for more.. 

(I know somehow) It is only showing me the surface (on some levels, I have reason to be afraid).  This meaningless is likely to rape me, and take away the comfort of my controlled folly.  I will be naked to real emptiness, and PLAY will take on different 'meanings.'

[Billy]

(whisper) it is very primitive and sexual to me.

[Billy]

s. I am moved to say I'm sorry for my insolence to your God.  Thank you for the kind latitude in all of my misgiving.

[Billy]

Someday I'm going to put forth a comprehensive and cogent piece, but not now.  I'm going to talk sh*t.  Not that I am being insincere, but I am scattered.  I'm drawn to perform a reverse self-pity thing.  Ya all know self-pity.....  imagine though, if ya SAW ya don't deserve 'better conditions/feelings.'  Imagine ya feel so humble, ya want to defer to everyone else, and ya even adopt a sense of being obliged to the ones closest, perhaps adopting even a comportment of obedience to them.  And, this 'I don't matter thing' is truly without weight of any self-pity.

     Let me say something first, Ive been meaning to say:  My life is easy and insulated right now; maybe it was my doing to put the tonal in proper order, but who knows what is possibly to come in the way of challenges?  There are people who have nothing, and slim to none chances for happiness.  I never forget that.  

   That being said....

Now when I do this reverse self-pity thing (as i am lightly fooling with now), the first thing noticed is the sinking inward feel that can be maintained.  I am not worthy.. there is not even formal surrender; i am nothing enough to assume such a meaning.  I am left to the world as an object to be discarded.  {I don't put myself out there for the world, so ALL of this is of sentiment in privacy (the possible exception is that I filter this into my marital life, and......  (smiles, lots and lots of smiles ... I never know exactly what is to happen there > but kinda like this >
{...this enters a power and sexual arena--while everything isn't what it seems--and who is in control?  Understand?}
The first time i've done this, the story was preeeetty wild with fantastic swings.  I don't really want to display here the low point (led to some unseemly theatrics I won't mention).  The high preceding (a couple weeks earlier), involved filthy, lusty, deliciously 'sick' intercourse.  {oh yeah, passionate, yes it was}.
I've honed self-control a lot since the last time I've played with this fire; but to do this optimally requires the trust to completely relinquish power and control (conferred to my wife to do with as pleases her).  
  I won't do this again, because I don't have the courage.

What I wanted you to see, is that this movement inward is... (shaking my head) POTENT.

maybe more to cum..

[Billy]

I am conscious at times to infuse awareness of sexuality into the picture.  Having researched human emotions, I discovered their roots were quite well formed in our ancestra chimp colonies, and even in ape harems before that.  The human cultures steadily moved along courses of sexual repression (I have good ideas as to why).  Know this- there are no human emotions that do not derive from three traits existing in virtually all species from the beginnings of life > ATTRACTION, AROUSAL, APPROACH.

Yep, those traits are all about reproducing.  How does the human reproduce?

[Billy]

s. ..  So, I get that you are more tractable now with the derek/billy communication.'  I smile as I tell you I've needed you (smiles). 

   These hollows of transcending self-pity are interesting.  Yet, there is no difficulty reconciling 'meaninglessness' with the knowledge I step between my family and danger if need be.  I say interesting because, while reason is there, it moves aside for instincts and intuitiveness.

   The nagual stuff (if that's what it is) is open-ended.  The abyss allows no unsteady action.  (by the way, Susan said to me today, You're always looking at "NAG- goo- ALL" on the computer.  "Na- well," I said.

  There is really no connection between us whatsoever.  There, don't you feel better that it's been said? lol.  derek/billy is the simplest mirror.  I talk to you (though separate) as I would talk to myself.  Either's disappearance is irrelevant.  You already knew this.  I knew it too.

   Back to the hollowing out of life..

   Oh man, it is so bizarre.  Nothing will ever be the same.. LAUGHING >  all the way to the OLD TOWN > in a one horse open sleigh.. jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way..

[Billy]

By the way, why do you ask so many fucking questions?  What is time, billy?  What is death, billy?  What is love, billy?  What is hell, billy? What is billy, billy?  JK

[Billy]

Okay, so as the face to face with meaninglessness advances, the stark, unsettling arises with impetus.  The mind is fidgety.  When examined rationally, so as to gain space and objectify (detach from), it becomes evident that the mind's hurry is from existential angst concerning futility.

   I will realize that the futility is real {because it is}; I will realize 'tomorrow' (past/present/future all the same) brings the same futility.  I CANNOT make it not futile/lol- (really though).  The stickiness of repetitive meaninglessness stays (that is part of having to exist). 

   I enter the futility deeply enough so as to get an indifferent void, but my clarity is only become sharper.  Yes, I can create marvelously.  I can witness one miracle after the other (and do). 

   Yet, my sharper clarity in perfect detachment at the source (the void) knows of the essential futility also.

That is, .... my creativity and consequential miracles are ulimately more of the same > again, again, again, again, again, again, agai, again, again, again, and again, and again, and again, and again .......................................................................................infinitude of futility.

The negative aspects are allowed (must be allowed) to peek through and become part of the manifest miraculousness.


   So is being then poisoned by futility.  Well............ sure it is......             but (or and)  necessarily so.  Is this depressing to you?

   You see, in the conventional world, you go to a psychyatrist, a clergyman(woman), the medicine cabinet, etc. to cope, and most anyone will sell you stories of meaning.  Some (many that come here), comprehend not to buy the most convenient, accessible (useless) potions.  To be 'enlightened' (lol) is to refuse remedy.

[Billy]

serloco wrote:controlled folly and indifference, have ruined my life and gave me the most exiting and spectaculr life i could of imgined.. I am in great sorrow and i dont like it.. cold here. brrrr




billy > LAUGH

[Billy]

..I have told an honest story; it is my story.  I am free to tell another different story, and another, and another, again and again.. and again.............  
Isn't this fun?  
Well, isn't it?

Per billy > Don Juan: "There's no emptiness in the life of a warrior.  Everything is filled to the brim.  Everything is filled to the brim, and everything is equal."

AND..   "A warrior could not possibly leave anything to chance.  He actually affects outcomes of events by the force of his awareness and his unbending intent."

I am stalking myself.  Notice the highlighted words above, especially given the seeming incongruity with all of what I have said.

[Billy]

billy wrote:..I have told an honest story; it is my story.  I am free to tell another different story, and another, and another, again and again.. and again.............  
Isn't this fun?  
Well, isn't it?

Per billy > Don Juan: "There's no emptiness in the life of a warrior.  Everything is filled to the brim.  Everything is filled to the brim, and everything is equal."

AND..   "A warrior could not possibly leave anything to chance.  He actually affects outcomes of events by the force of his awareness and his unbending intent."

I am stalking myself.  Notice the highlighted words above, especially given the seeming incongruity with all of what I have said.