Indulgences

[Billy]

I don't want to confuse ya.  billy is on a loooong natural high.  My 'lows' are decidedly some sort of highs. 
Detachment


  serloco..  I don't think you'll see this now (maybe someday); I want to say not one day passes without my remembrance of what balance (and miracles) you've brought my way.  I'll say here to others, the lumens of serloco's wisdom is brilliant in comparison to whatever light I may afford.

[Billy]

The humbling abasement that I draw to wants no sense of SELF value.  I mean, I can't help but sink into gracious worthlessness.  Nothing gets added or put on.  With natural balance and calmness of my heart, I despise that billy could exist.  That I am allowed any perception begets vile self-appraisal ...
   For billy to REALLY try and say to billy, "you are special; you are gifted," would bring inner laughter at the joke.  It is not conceivable that I have foundational value; I am not ever beyond worthless emptiness.  Yet, in/from that emptiness all controlled folly arises.
   billy is become a mirror of the emptiness.. much grace to PLAY.. mucho egoic fun.......   ...

  SMILE
 

ADD   I mean to reiterate, the lowliness is of genuine intent!  This is where it* is at!

*it (emptiness resource)

[Billy]

The humbling abasement that I draw to wants no sense of SELF value.  I mean, I can't help but sink into gracious worthlessness.  Nothing gets added or put on.  With natural balance and calmness of my heart, I despise that billy could exist.  That I am allowed any perception begets vile self-appraisal ...
   For billy to REALLY try and say to billy, "you are special; you are gifted," would bring inner laughter at the joke.  It is not conceivable that I have foundational value; I am not ever beyond worthless emptiness.  Yet, in/from that emptiness all controlled folly arises.
   billy is become a mirror of the emptiness.. much grace to PLAY.. mucho egoic fun.......   ...

  SMILE
 

ADD   I mean to reiterate, the lowliness is of genuine intent!  This is where it* is at!

*it (emptiness resource)

 Sometime I might provide the evolutionary context, which identifies awareness of an entity's isolation, and shows the logical value and principles of detachment.
..maybe specific practice tehniques also. 

I do not think it would be difficult to grasp either intellectually or empirically.

[Billy]

I am strange to myself, meaningless, just like you.

[serloco]

strange, sitting on a range of lunatics
seeing into their minds, the minds i have crafted for this time
and all along this show has been mine
i have a cake and i can cut you a slice
i can tell you to roll the dice
your empty words, your lies fulfilled
your void speaks to me, begging me for life
thats right
your wish is my command
i see here you stand hovering on the edge
life is and can be whatever it is you said
only you can make it real
their is nothing to believe in
and everything to begin
anything to sing
clear your mind and think
what is it that life is?
let it go
let it slip
ride the waves of fluidity
and watch the clock dance

[Billy]

C'mon s > Raven Chat

[serloco]

hey billy. hope yer well? miss you, talk to you soon. drop me an email sometim and let me know how yer doing?

[Billy]

You put your ass back on here.  Let it go..  Let it slip.

ADD:  I have been nicely playing with Kaomea, and she has a knack for saying the right things.  Very light, undemanding.

[Billy]

SMH I don't want to know you (plural) AND I don't want to be known.  I want to PLAY.

I'll try this one more time (why? I have not a fuckin' clue).  Find a way to the bottom of yourself which is to say EMPTINESS.  You are joking if you think anything or anyone cares about your image selves in a meaningful way.  So, quit protecting images.

[Billy]

Realize that indifference makes everthing you do lawful.  The amending of one's life is not a reality.  Put on your show as free person.

[Billy]

Of course you have pain, but nobody sees it.  Only you hold the pain.  Only you.

[Billy]

serloco, are you taking notes?

[Billy]

How do you think I am doing, since you asked?

I am working on what you have given me.
Smile




{I'm erasing ALL this **** very shortly}

[Billy]

You know derek, I won't forget that you wanted me to share with you looks into what is happening..  and I will.  I've got time to do.. eternity.

[Billy]

..AND, yes   I am very happy

serloco said: Yes, controlled folly. The people in my awareness, in my world, are mostly flipable. I can voice my intent inside of myself and control how they feel, and what they know. Indifferent is the key to controlled folly. When you have judgments about what they feel or think then they manifest, and yet in the sorcerer's controlled folly it is ultimately indifferent and the dreamer dreams the dream. They simply learn to control their perception/judgment/knowledge/awareness. Many do not like it after years of being a normal human because it can be rather cold. Of course one can use their control to make it warm.


I like life as it is.  To mean, I do not construct a positive interpretation when a negative one comes to mind; yet, I have the ability to flip anything.  Life need not be anything in particular.  That is, identity is less important.  Dark cavernous nothing is okay, if that's what I am aware of.

serloco once said to me, 'he surely does love his depression,' ..  I understand this.

[Billy]

POST TO BE ERASED WITHIN 24 HOURS; I WON'T EXPLAIN WHY, BUT THIS MUST BE HERE NOW

    At times I have implied a bare, unflattering societal picture of myself on the forum.  Yet, there is this part of my life--->  From high school wrestling awards onward, I would  increasingly flourish, though I was late manifesting sexually.  Once that was done, I possessed allurement. There were many unusually erotic encounters during my life, not the least of which involved Susan (my wife).  Anyone of these stories were flavorful, complex, and uniquely titillating.
  Out of college, I secured a permanent substitute job in the largest Cleveland inner city high school.  The nationally reknowned Glenville racial riots had ended a few years prior in that impoverished district.  I immediately became assistant wrestling coach, and I had generally good rapport with the black males.

    Susan, just out of college, was also teaching there when I arrived.  Susan, far and away, was the most beautiful, voluptuous, and sought after female I would ever know, and I have rubbed shoulders with Pamela Anderson [TV Baywatch (pic below to give an idea)].  Susan was in college at age 17.  She was smart, poised, witty, shy but commanding, and sexually precocious.  Susan exuded classy sensuality without trying.  Her physical beauty and 5' 7" figure with measurements of 37/23/36 were gorgeous to the eye.  I only have some paper photos, but would not post anything here that way regardless.








   In my first persistent approach, Susan agreed to date me, and I would be the first and only of at least a score of male teachers who had unsuccessfully asked her out.  Our cohabitation came quickly.  That did not go unnoticed at the high school as we arrived each day together in her Buick Skylark.

    I once mentioned this.  Susan, at one point early on, wanted to end the relation because I was not a suitable marital prospect.  She was forcing the initiative on me to leave.  I would pack my clothes; when I was ready to walk out her door, we would hug goodbye.  This occurance inevitably warped into a sex ritual with Susan on top, beating me because I had nestled my face between her tits to find a wanting nipple, thus aborting my departure.  

   Imagine, a sexy female flaunting her generous tits (quite as depicted above) and wielding power.  Susan tortured me in an excruciating tease while riding in coitus, where when I succumbed to my desire and tried to suck her tits, she slapped me senseless.  When I would keep my head still, Susan would stare me down to let me know she was fully in control.  She always slapped me once more hard for reinforcement.  Keeping the same stare, she would wordlessly press me with her gaze, and I utterly succumbed to her ownership.  This communication was surreal, and I would literally feel a twinge of my penis in surrender.  
   Then she would torment me by grazing her nipples across my mouth.  If my head would rise, it would be banged to the floor and I would be slapped again.  I would cry deleriously, but not from being slapped.  No, it was from the primal denial of her nipple brought to my mouth and pulled away purposefully.  Susan guided me to a trance where my lips would part involuntarily; she would put her nipple inside my mouth only to cruelly withdraw until I was hysterically distraught.



   Susans was very instinctual about when to give up her tit too, and she would become forgiving and maternal.  With Susan's nipple in my mouth, my tears would stop, and I would draw in deep spastic intakes of breath between uncontrollable snivels.  My greed for her tit was insatiable.

    Susan would tenderly stroke my face and sooth me with her soft shushing.  
   She made me secure and to let me know she loved me.  Then her shh, shh, shh's quickened in sync with the rhythm of her body until we were violently engulfed.  The tremendous orgasm was always simultaneous, and really, it was as lurid and as intense as it gets.  Obscene, I know.

   This silent sado-masochistic act would become more pronounced and brutal each of about nine times, until she actually made me leave.  We were together again about a month later after I was nearly killed in a police chase car crash.  Susan would never slap me again.  
   The dominant disposition became alternate; there were  times before our marriage that Susan was on her knees begging for conciliation in our numerous separations.

     For my two year duration at the high school, I was in an optimum social situation as a reproductive male, and without any question I was the most physically touched man there.  In my position as substitute, the absentee teacher had occasion with me to personally inquire about their classes when returning.  Many of the females flirted and sidled to me.  Their gestures were sometimes intimate if I was open, and there were a few not so subtle passes.

   I put a wall between myself and the black female students.  Still, a crazed girl once sat herself on my lap, arms around, and completely engulfed me in passion.  She was literally in tears, begging me to see her, to *** her, handing a note with where and when to meet.  It was a soulful, utterly desperate plea.  Two of her friends dragged her away from me in delirium.

   During summertime apartment building renovating jobs those two summers, I had a couple of noteable affairs.  

   Then, in a supplemental pizza delivery job that lasted a month, I had occasion to decline a bizarre mother-daughter proposition.  It was not unusual for customers to exchange money for their pizza inside a doorway and engage cordially.  A few weeks later, a young wife proceeded to unbuttoned her blouse, and told me she was going to teach me how to kiss.  She taught me a whole lot more than that /LAUGH!  
    The restaurant owner feared I had met harm, so the police came knocking at her door a couple hours later...  
    (No need to mention I was fired, excepting that over a decade later, I coincidentally went to another of the owner's restaurants with Susan.  He recognized me, and made a huge smile and began chatting with us.  He was effusive and brought us complimentary coctails.  I told Susan of the episode for the first time.  I relate this affair because of my fondness of the fact the woman had cuckolded her husband who was away.  Cuckolding is a great humiliation fetish.)

    
   Susan herself was HOT in every sense, and we had sex anywhere at anytime.  On school lunchbreak, Susan sometimes would pull me to the back of her classroom to have me suck her tits and finger her.  When she moaned, and especially in orgasm, I think the young female math teacher with her desk to that wall of the adjoining room, was privy to it all. 
   One day this girl approaches me in the hall with explicit detailed instructions to come to her home some evening;  I was to enter an always unlocked side door, come in, and take her to (or find her in) an upstairs bedroom, and ravish her.  Nothing was left to my imagination.  From address, to entry and purpose, and even her exact bedroom location.. it was all spelled out for me.  It had taken every fiber of gumption for her to approach me like this in her one minute rush.  Her adrenalin had to be surging, and I saw that she walked away from me somewhat in shame.  This was a few months after my car crash.  With Susan, and also being without my own car, nothing happened (also I wasn't a playboy).

   Susan had  three younger sisters.  They were popular, nice looking girls-- each the high school homecoming queen.  It took all of me to operate with my brains and not my dick dealing with their advances throughout the years at various gatherings.  

   Concerning my family, Susan complained how all my four sisters doted on me.  My older brother looked up to me.  He filmed some of my college wrestling matches, and both his two sons became state wrestling champions.  

   I won't expand, but I was largely directive/influential in the course of lives of those in contact with mine.  Also, excepting during a couple of the teaching years, I worked for myself and no one else, and this included a decade betting of betting thoroughbred racehorses as my livelihood, and fifteen years in my own house painting business.
 

    
 I am working on telekinesis using a marble in conjunction with gazing to generate youth, and possible shapeshifting later.  I think serloco loses his marbles because he cannot keep them centered in the tonal/ jk / lol.  Still, I had written a piece to the effect of spirituality being grounded in the tonal.  I can move effectively from the tonal station.  I am trained to be grounded, and am positioned to defy death.  I will work the dreaming art to make my commands more fluid.

LAUGH

Oh my, I never dreamed life could be so much fun.

SEX HAS BEEN TOO DE-EMPHASIZED IN THE WARRIORS WAY.  I AM MAKING A STATEMENT !

POST WILL BE ERASED SHORTLY TO RESPECT UNWANTED FLIRTATION WITH FORUM POLICY

[Billy]

Will erase this evening.

[Billy]

to be erased this evening

[serloco]

As you probably know billy as I think I have mentioned it before.. my allies, my world, used a code when speaking to me.. i had this energetic action that filled a shell for people to be. They were empty until i set them, filled them with creative energy. It made people be what they were. It told them what they were, and made them into the role you cast. I perceived this energy as an act of creation, sexual energies of discharge, filling the hole with form. With purpose and direction. It was when I was filling the roles of reality defined as an act of sex. Living life and everything in it were but a reflection of an energetic reaction, fueling time. Making time, and creation. The act of filling a being with this creative essence was akin to sperming into an egg.. Our lingo refered to our sharing of creative energy an act of creation akin, in resemblance of the act of sexual creation that also creates life. I had people lining up for me to fill them up with power, awareness, and form. They all would say they want me to *** them. Put my creative energies into their bodies. Of course you could say it was merely a nagual displacing the habitual assemblage position to a better location, but our awareness saw it as an act of love, and sex. It was a supreme act of indulgence.. I thought I would share. I even had men coming up to me asking for me to *** their brains out. I took it off though. The code. It was dirty. It was fun though. People would do anything for me almost, because i would weave continuous gifts of power.

[Billy]

Billy's Grades for How Much of Kaomea's **** Nagual Forum Members Put up With

50% =  Demonstration of Personal Power
50% =   Assessed Intangibles & Qualities

(in alphabetical order w to b)

watergaze    (B+)  I like her discipline, objectivity, open-mindeness.  She is unobtrusive. Her few posts in matters I was interested in, were on.  (probably marked down for not sharing Power with me/smile)

transitions4  (B) He is upwardly mobile, and will expectedly improve.

Silver Wind   (B)  I don't think she has as much power as some others, but she should get at least this for putting up with my mentoring.  She is well-mannered and generous to share personal experience.

Serloco  A+ + +..not a just a regular and notable, but a God among children.  A+ would be silly.

Senear   (B+)   This is likely too low; I don't get to SEE enough of what he CAN do.  He is powerful enough to get an A, and I certainly do not subtract points for differences.  
Again, he is strong and versatile, but I wanted more sharing.

rosygyro (B)  Hey, just on the artwork alone!

Mornings Son  (A-)  For demeanor, fairness, insight, timing, knowledge, understanding, and helpfulness.

Kaomea  (A+)  See comments
 
Julio Juliopolis  (D)  Attribute this to fairyland nepotism

Finwe  (C+)  Smart, but he confuses issues naturally.  I don't like that.

Dreamlyn  ( B )  Sorry.  My fault for no effort to know you.  Now I'm outside RF.  I want to know you, though. If you are in RF with Kaomea that is a B right there.

bit shiny  (C+)  Needs to come back here, and then he might get an A.

Billy  (A+)  I'm Billy.


Some, like shamanka, glance left, delawaredan & Dan Jones, are ungraded becaue rarely here.  jotamax just started.

[Billy]

Kaomea (A+)  Regardless whether she is well-rounded in her full knowledge (and not to say she is not), her acumen in her chosen arts are superb.  She interacts and shares power.  She should get a higher grade than the one given, especially since I like her so much.

  I have had the most fortunate life with lots of big-time and amazingly fortunate occurrences and gifted, loving persons, but Kaomea, you are the best of all that ever happened to me. 

  Regardless of your means, your intent, or whatever.. you have brought me one pleasure after another, one learning experience after another.  Kaomea, you are the joy of all joys.  I am sorry when I unintentionally have been a jerk to you.  I am touching energies of yours without the dressings, and I can get confused trying to reconcile that with tonal thinking.

 The only thing I know to stop my inadvertent offences, is to be nice to you.  I know that is not very exciting, but I don't care.  If my blessings from you end, I do not want them to end because I hurt you.
And, I don't care so much about the blessings, I care about your well-being.

   I cannot explain why this sense of remorse now, only that I have it.  For my wrongs, I am very sorry, Kaomea.

[watergaze]

Billy, I guess the art of non-judgement is not something you practice . It does wonders for me.. no kidding..

[watergaze]

Billy, I guess the art of non-judgement is not something you practice . It does wonders for me.. no kidding..

[Billy]

watergaze:
Billy, I guess the art of non-judgement is not something you practice. It does wonders for me.. no kidding..

Thank you, watergaze     nonetheless--
     
    The art of non-judgement is something I excell at, watergaze.
    The art of non-judgement cannot bear the meaning you would want to imply without particpation in judgement.  That is, non-judgement would merely disappear into void, if not for its opposite manifesting in freedom (what some term controlled folly).  

   Recreating authentically is not negated because it is reflected in judgement.  Judgement (especially by virtue of one's intent) enriches life.  You are assuming incorrectly that my judgements do not arise from the point of unconcern or indifference.  AND, it is in that dedicated state of non-judgement where I intend in favor of life, and against death... in favor of love, and against hate... in favor of expression, and against censorship...  and onward....

    With judgement, I can move in any direction, any time, any way, and with or without notice to YOU watergaze (smile)
   I get the alpha bet backwards. 
   I love double entendre.



    Something else here:  Certain Persons artfully synthesize finesse and subtlety in work with the immediate composition.  The alchemy of psychological manipulation in the current moments produces wonderful results. 
    Being typically overt, I fall short of some delicious treats afforded by subtleties therein, but then I don't lose sight of the larger PLAY.  

   I do movement and rhythms that are increasingly captivating (keeping interest), and bring healthy friction needing resolve.  I constantly reinforce one's CHOICE of climbing a ladder until it is habitual bravery.  There are sensations of rising up and falling; this, along the way to higher places to rest and affirm.  

  The PLAY definitely hinges on climactic SELF narration in more crucial, rather painful challenges.  Does one act, react, or withdraw?  In all of the possibilities there is abundant knowledge and learning of SELF, and hence improved mastery.  [My friends were not ones to abandon.  I would not leave one under my auspices in trouble.]

[Billy]

To clarify about judgement arising from indifference:  I don't need to be using the emptiness or indifference hardly ever.  If I am in NY NY (emptiness/indifference) as the ultimate vacation destination, I don't have to keep drawing on the basic realization of that consciously.  I trust myself once and for all that I am in NY NY (emptiness/indifference).  I trust myself enough that I won't spend an entire week in Washington Square mesmerized by artists performing (unless aware to do that).  When hungry, I won't stop and eat food for a week from the plethora of street venders (unless aware to do that).  I mean, I have knowledge that there are amazing sights, spectacles, theatre, and eclectic eateries everywhere NY NY.  So I am aware of being in NY NY (emptiness/indifference) without stalking myself.

    I experience emotions, societal convention, occupation, wearing images with self-importance like anyone else.  Only I am experiencing them with the transformative underlying awareness of being in emptiness/indifference.  I AM IN emptiness/indifference as I AM IN NY NY, why would I keep telling myself that unless as you say, 'I am not there yet, not aware yet.'

   Another thing about trust, is in the commitment of trusting.  Four times in my life (not counting my wife, Susan), I have more or less unconditionally given my trust over to another human being.  The last two being serloco and Kaomea.  I AM LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY!!!!!!!

     The trust is located NOT really in trusting THEM, but in trusting MYSELF to trust them.  I soared forward 'spiritually' in all four cases.  
   There is huge risk/reward involved to be sure, in giving up your SELF to be fully absorbing the knowledge of another.  I think you know this already:  each time you can kind of die to yourself, you become more powerful SELF without losing anything that matters.

    I am not promoting anything here.  I KNEW to risk those trusts to others.  It is the only sensible way to do that sort of thing.  Something in you tells you when, and then you GO!