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[Billy]

serloco:  "I do not want to generate shame without reason and do not find it a pleasent emotion to intend into me without purpose. It is a tool for me, an awareness generated from a violation of my perceptions of right and wrong, and as such I use it for that purpose alone, to learn from and to bring to my attention the acts that generated that feeling."

billy:
I generate shame purely from reason.  It is a tool for me also, but you are using this tool backwards because of social conditioning.
What is called shame, is the phenomenolgical recognition of separation and withdrawal from the world and other entities.  You yourself had nasty descriptions of rotting humanity and saw that it was part of you too.  Yet, no matter how expansive, you ultimately get those fumes.

   I have several techniques to empirically grasp my own rot & meaninglessness.  First, to make it more tangible I often use the word worthless.  The idea of being worthless is yummy to me.  Understand, I maintain conventional images of pride, self-esteem, standing, etc., but I draw to the reality.  I SEE myself as an abased object.  When I finally conceive myself as a worthless piece of **** excreted out of  a world from which I do not personally want to be retained, something amazing can happen.
   I coax my own negation, and fulfill the sense of abandoning self.   There are falls into wallow of super-generative euphoria, rapture, melting, ecstasy.  This is so empty, so pure.

  I also can do this via an imagined inward tunnel with want of self-annihilation.  I go deep into my impotence and darkness.  There is greater and greater effects of hopelessness and despair because I am unable to disappear from the world.  So deeper and deeper I go.  The expansive void is a deadening cold and futile emptiness.
Comes an acquisence in being where I am.  Do you imagine that?

I also can do a pretty good logical reduction using reason to tell me how I could not possibly have pride if I were GOD or created by GOD.  I SEE I have no value in infinite energy no matter how many possibilities of design.

   So why is my position an advantage?
   I have learned to make my position a foundation of my perception.  I draw to it, I feel it my heart and whole body too.  My position permeates, so as to be true.  I easily traverse with its resource to conventional ego.  This resource is limitless.  I had to adjust directing the surplus energy (a continuing process).  I am becoming powerful and invulnerable.
  Invulnerable, because of that crazy universal law of reverse effort.  I have come to LOVE my self-criticism that springs from wrong actions.  I get a boost because I can more easily access my emptiness (This is SO positive that there are virtually no wrong actions).  
   Instead I am 'stuck' with pride and 'too much' self-worth.  I laughed for five minutes when I thought to tell you this.  You know I am not contriving anything here.  I have fine-tuned this over the last months.  I don't obsess either.  I need only remind myself the position exists (a heart's love of my own dirt).  {note* gaining the effects early on will make practice 'addictive'--this is okay}

    I know the rational principles behind this, and it is not difficult to show someone.  This is not masochism; simply acknowledge self-detachment beforehand and let yourself go.
  Practice here becomes a very solid, dependable grounding for every other thought and action in life.
  The humbleness of your self-evaluation that you are truly disgusting (and believe me, spend ten minutes with me and I'll show you), will serve you.  It lends itself to make every 'face' you wear fluid, strong, confident, poised, and fun.  (You will find yourself laughing and joyful.)
    The one trait that never leaves you, the best one, is an underlayment of peace and equanimity.

  I tried to reword shame as withdrawal (which it is) to make it more palatable to try, but isn't that missing the point?  Experiment a little.  If anyone has questions i will help.

[Billy]

It is too much energy upholding the world as beautiful, SEE its desecration to the full in your mind until it is empty of good. 

THEN, awareness will find beauty in even ugliness.

  I not only go to the sacred silence within, now it is outside of me--IT IS EVERYWHERE IN EVERYTHING........... in nothing.

[serloco]

With all the great and fantastic dreams (waking dreams) I have achieved it is hard for me to view myself as small or worthless. Unless I am comparing myself to th vast infinity that is the potential I draw form, the God of all creation and destruction I can not fathom my worthlessness. No I am too great. I am far beyond th mortals of the world I have come from, and yet when I give power out to the mortals then they do become great but alas they have been the worthless diseases that I offten have come to witness them as. For when I give them power they have always sought to abuse it and in my mind are not to be trusted with real power. Only my lly and friends get real power and if the violate it then out comes my clippers and onto their balls. The power is in y mind and choice, my decision and my intent. The knowledge I have is controlled folly. I make myself as big I desire and I desire to have power over the world and all within it. I am nothing compared to the infinity of all and yet this Infinity has made me great, able to stand within it and attain my heart's desires. Infinity has been my master and servant both. I am it's conduit, it's vessel, and it works through me. I am great because of this Spirit. Worthlessness is reserved for me to the inferior beings that I defeat. They are like putty in my hands to shape and to mold to my intent/will. They do not compare to the high levels of awareness I attain and sustain, and they are like empty vessels that I channel into motion from the Spirit, and yet when given power they **** all over the real source of this power for their own gain and benefit, and I laugh as the Spirit then craps onto them and leaves them high and dry. FOr they would destroy themselves for the chance to destroy another.. Give by the gun die by the gun. i am just ranting because thy peope have again sought another foothold over me and my power to control the weather. They think they can just tell me what the weather will be and control great destructive storms to come and wipe out humanity. Oh if I was small and worthless I would have no say in it, but alas I am great and powerful.

[Billy]

I do understand now, just from a day ago.  I sometimes write for my own clarity also, but actually put this in New Seer to help anyone else.  I have applied the physics and built the frame solidly.  As I fly now, there are no misconceptions about how to fly.  I think other 'seekers' generally turn away or crash because the machine's body is flimsy or/and there is lack of basic training. 

For others to experience what I am now would be 'mystical' to them.  It is not that way for me, this is not some kind of magick.  Later, as you give me more and I learn more, I will know.  To use analogy, I was an infant when I came here.  Yes, I think I have grown fast, but I am barely a two year old still.

And, you are expertly seasoned, and will bring me along so that I do more and more.  What has helped me most, was your gift to me of my perceived immortality. 

What a joke for me to try and thank you.  How could I possibly match that.  Others, may think they can believe immortality too, as if a joke.  It is quite different than the empirical experience of knowing what is given.  It is not even relevant if this 'pill' was a placebo.  I was ready and it made me strong.  OMG my 62 year old body has become spry and agile.  I am younger.

[serloco]

I liked right away billy, and when you told me your age the spirit was then set to show you this immortality to speak of and begin to move your body in youth and vitality. It was my choice for you as well the gift of the Spirit. I do not accept weakness or curse upon my friends. However you to have an abundance of energy and can make leaps and bounds on your own, you have a gift of taking words and making them into power for yourself, and even stretching them further for your own benefit, taking them into positions beyond what the spoken intent initially was set upon.. A great gift. I too am imaginative and can leap, but my self-importance has often left me to perceive others as lower then myself, and over the years of being abused and the mistrust gained from making others greater then myself I have at times lost this perception. Being the greatest in the world has left me knowing everything and controlling everything but has left me with nothing to gain from my fellow man aside from their weakness and servitude. However I do at times break free from my greatness and fli the world into the position of the Ally, and here I can trust them and they do still teach me. I am coming back to my smallness in this.. And their perceived ability will again suit me, and I shall again listen and be humble. However as they know if they cross me then it is on.

[Billy]

One thing I will tell you about my two friends/teachers.  They doted on me.  They saw in me attibutes and manifestations they shared vicariously.  As time went on they looked to me.

I don't need for you to be humble, if you don't need that.  I will learn and become as your equal, which you will really like.  That we are different personalities is all the better.  I don't WANT to be like you, I don't WANT you to be like me.

[Billy]

Do you know, that just knowing there is someone in this world I know as Derekh, makes a whole lot of difference.  Just THAT.

[serloco]

No feigned humbleness on my part.. Just something I learned about seeing the world as higher then you, and lower then you. Your mentions of being small and worthless brought that out in me.. Turning the tables from the superior tonal to the humble tonal is a very powerful and beneficial practice I have learned. It makes small thing large, and large things small. Shrinking the tonal can make the world seem very vast indeed.

[Billy]

Make no mistake, I put any childhood shame aside.  I was well-liked by my peers in college.  I was the alpha to get my wife.  I had a huge influence on ALL of my older sibling's sons, my wife's brother and many others.  I coached a tough, poverty stricken, all black wrestling team to a championship when they had never known winning.  I NEVER played the wimp.  Now my marital manifestations were different; yet even in my book I stated, "Susan was a little girl to me," ---I held the balance power in the marriage (which of course was/is true).  I liked being a bottom to my wife a whole lot, and now I am fully in control whatever the disposition.

   So all I'm saying is,  "I learned in recapitulation that my boyhood shame could be tapped for incredible power/energy."  I don't find fault with myself that I was personally secure enough to explore that.
Just the opposite.  And it is true you know that I am sharp now and invulnerable in large part from what I learned there.

   No Derekh, get the idea out of your head I am (or have been) weak (relative to a standard).  Consider the weakness you perceived as a combo of my unwitting posturing or/and temporary form.

[serloco]

I don't think you are weak billy. I know you are not. You have great strength I see.

[Billy]

Thank you for seeing that.

It is  a very positive feel to send out to you right now.  I have started counting 12345678910 101 to send to you, as well as emanating to you.

[serloco]

Yes billy, I learned long ago that upon reaching the place of no doubt that any intent may be set and accomplished. It has been a great position for me many times. Once I realized that I had certain weaknesses upon reaching that position and seeing my previous self that was often struggling and burdened with doubts and insecurities. I stated my command then that I will draw power from my weaknesses and turn them into strength. I did not know how it would be done but merely knew that it would be since infinity can do anything. I then set aside the intent knowing that it would be met. I saw great things happen from that intent in many numerous ways however the one i recall at this moment was of doubt itself. I saw that t was merely an energetic projection, an emanation if you will. It says you can not do this or that. You do not have the power. I knew the mastery of definition and that infinity is definitive journey. Meaning that whatever definition you assign something is the form you reap. I used this to redefine many poisons and diseases in my world, even to the point of altering the historical form. Anyways I came to see from shifting from doubt into no doubt and attaining power to do anything that doubt should not even be real or have any power at all. After all I had been doing great feats of power continuously and then entering into doubt where I could not do them, and back and forth between position that can and can not. it seemed silly to me to have to shift and recollect power in order to keep the abilities I had found. So one day I realized that doubt need not hold you back at all, and one can succeed even i the face of total doubt. It was a great piece of knowledge for me and after all knowledge is the what becomes active, it is the awareness of something that makes something what it is. So after assimilating that piece of knowledge and making it active through realization I began having my normal doubts, in my 1st attention, that usually held me back from succeeding in my feats of power only this time I knew that doubt was not holding me back anymore and my feats began succeeding even in full faced doubt. I had removed the power of doubt that i had previously assigned to it. Not only that but I began to get used to doubting and succeeding to the point where doubt became common place and I knew I would succeed anyways despite it. SO doubt became for me a position of power for when I doubted I succeeded ayways and for awhile it became habituated.

[Billy]

You have to know I understood how to use that postition of doubt as you stated.  If you did that really yourself, or set that only for me because you knew it was in my strengths--EITHER was superbly masterful.  I excell at  turning something upside down.

THAT could be the monster of monsters to help me.

    I am finally a bit empty/tired.  Weeks of only a few hours sleep, shovelling snow, and learning non-stop leveled me.  The entirety of who I am and what I do--it's ALL good. 

This piece might be the best you've done, though it will take a mirror reflection (soon to come) for me to SEE it.

[serloco]

Glad you liked it, I knew you would. I been kinda lazy with my magic and so have been recapping and recollecting power. Remembering different states of awareness. I just made my hand disappear after about 20 seconds of trying. If I practice more I will be able to reach a state where my whole body vanishes most likely. But I am tired and going to head to sleep.

[Billy]

!!@%!!*!  I TASTE it already. 

Oh ***, I SEE how easy it will be to draw to my own doubt as the ultimate gift.  To make love to my doubt?  Who can do that??  I can. 

ooohh- it oozes.  
what will become of me with practice, lol? 

I already built the format with shame-- this is a simple transfer.  Stay with me here--look at the possibilities of falling into doubt as my go to position of abandon and strength.

This is so funny.

[Billy]

Did I forget to say thank you???  Answer me D, lol and lol !

[Billy]

Who could have thought that but you, that I should CRAVE my own doubt?

[Billy]

AND--doubt is inclusive of fear.  I will love THAT too......such is simply the bonus of loving my own doubt.

[Billy]

Just put into practice.  Touched my wife (not nefariously or even intimately) in a way which provokes her to be annoyed and angry {though I am only trying to be playful, this typically leads to wife grabbing knife, scissors, or blunt object--lol)}

I knew to be wary (doubtful/afraid) of what i was doing.  Made the connection too, I WAS really wary and afraid, while bringing the awareness to my doubt.

  Ahh, this, felt very weak--and I gave myself to it (I clearly was in doubt of myself).  The result was opposite what it was 'supposed' to be.  I pushed my wife further than ever before and reached her levity.  I tell you, I tell you, I tell you...

[Billy]

There is a logical explanation too.  In basis, I have learned to objectify in past events.  I allowed despair, 'dark night,' rejection, shame, etc. and went to the point of origination (nothing).  I SEE truth, thus become more authentic.
     Integrity is what cannot be threatened.

The reason negative states and emotions work well is because they are easier to clarify and so execute identity detachment.  The point here is to make all experiences of perception desirable (a blessing).  I had an empirical understanding as to why murder and 'evil' behaviors are not desirable, but am at a loss to remember.

AND ALL OF THIS (of which i speak) pales with where you are.  If not humble, I am not stupid.  Hmm.  Now there is one.  Maybe I should try on stupid (smile). 



Instead of all the linguistics, I should have just said I am learning the art of controlled folly, sorcery.

[serloco]

Yes, controlled folly. The people in my awareness, in my world, are mostly flipable. I can voice my intent inside of myself and control how they feel, and what they know. Indifferent is the key to controlled folly. When you have judgments about what they feel or think then they manifest, and yet in the sorcerer's controlled folly it is ultimately indifferent and the dreamer dreams the dream. The simply learn to control their perception/judgment/knowledge/awareness. Many do not like it after years of being a normal human because it can be rather cold. Of course one can use their control to make it warm.

[serloco]

when I first learned controlled folly it was like entering into a alternate reality, a parallel dimension. The world appeared to be the same world and yet my judgement, my internal awareness of reality, was an echo that was manifesting, outward, the world around me. Everything I thought about the people and the objects manifested in real time. In a way it broke my heart because reality was a sham. Everything was merely an illusion, or appeared to be. All it took was a different perspective in order to alter the events and the flow, the roles of the people and objects of the dream. Now I do not say dream as normal people use the term. I use it to define reality itself, the 1st attention. One realizes quickly upon entering the 2nd attention that their view of habitual reality changes quickly. The habitual 1st attention can take on the values of the 2nd attention positions you discover. Which is to say that the new awareness of the world becomes cohesive and the 1st attention shifts. My 1st attention is often like a dream for me. Since I discovered many things in the 2nd attention and gained cohesion on them they became my 1st attention. That is not to say I can not free my awareness and perceive the world in a normal fashion, because I can. I am saying that things like telepathy and inorganic awareness I choose to make active in my daily habitual awareness. I stopped seeing people as I knew them to be once I discovered that it was my own awareness manifesting/moving them. My world is largly set with IOB roles now, as all i have to do is voice my intent to change them. I have seen my own parents become IOB's, clones, enemies, and friends that can manifest objects for me. As well as even beings that shift into other people. Seeing reality in so many different positions, even the normal relaity such as my parents has had a drastic effect on my view of reality. I can no longer go home and have it be the same as it used to be. I have tried to forget and often get close, just like Genero, but in the end the ally always shows me what i know.

[Billy]

[url=

Epitome of what you said, and so billy-like.   I was on my knees, hands clasped in 'prayer' to send my intent to you.  Am I not worshipping 'self' as I now perceive it? YES, yes I am.


How silent are your saints?
The lights are on,
Oh I have waited at these gates
For far too long,
Been running and running,
Away from my soul,
Though there's nothing coming, coming,
To carry me home...
In silence, the here and now,
I was your guardian, reaching out,
Oh and inside your head,
I'm here for now...
And everything you left,
Is dust and cloud...
If you were the night,
I'd be the sunlight,
We'd pass like ships through the sky,
Away
But the stars align,
And no union binds,
Leaving no sign of change,
And the silence, the silence,
Filling your heart,
Nothing like silence,
To tear you apart,
In silence, the here and now,
I was your guardian,
Reaching out,
Oh and inside your head,
I'm here for now
And everything you left
Is dust and cloud...
But you can't blame the moonlight,
I'm just deceiving you
It's dark on the inside,
Show me the meaning,
You can't blame the moonlight,
I'm just deceiving you,
It's dark on the inside,
Show me the meaning,
Of...
Here and now,
I was your guardian reaching out,
Oh and inside your head,
I'm here for now,
And everything you left
Is dust and cloud.

[serloco]

Thanks billy for the new phildel song, I hadn't heard that one yet.

[Billy]

serloco---"...when I first learned controlled folly... the objects manifested in real time. In a way it broke my heart because reality was a sham. Everything was merely an illusion, or appeared to be.... I do not say dream as normal people use the term. I use it to define reality itself, .... I can no longer go home..."

billy:  reread those Phildel lyrics Dust & Cloud

serloco--- "Indifferent is the key to controlled folly.... Many do not like it ...because it can be rather cold." 

Breaks my heart too.  NOT   (laughing---come on Derekh---OMG, we are twins of the same soul long abandoned)  

AND so what?  I let you go into nagual worlds leaving me behind in April without a say?  No way.  You'll break my heart (lol).