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billy and grace..
Indifference discovered at the base of my isolation not only needs to be actualized by 'telling you' (as example), but evermore needs to be underscored as LOVINGLY low and base from my perspective. Thus, all the self-workings are knowingly, fondly derived from what is abject and contemptible. {MYSELF}
No doubt about it, in my case anyways, being despicably authentic is a chosen existential celebration; wherefore, all else falls into orderly line behind.
That said, I am NOT responsive to the world, and owe nothing.
Decidedly, there is only a sense of incompleteness when unable to move fluidly in the vast emptiness I've cultivated. I can easily live without positive reinforcement from the world.
I would suffer greatly if I could not disappear and become claimed as worthless billy in the purity of MY simple awareness.
I do control the world, but not because I exert energy. I control the world because I am intimate with energy. Energy (the universe) is way more puny than myself.
I reread this thread, "untitled;" It was written before its time really, and is often very refelective of my world now.
Before serloco, I had center in emptiness already; but serloco showed me what it meant to exercise decisionally within that void.
Synchronicity abounds. Cured all bodily illnesses. Fixed all relational matters. Made my immediate family wholesome. Re-engaged my vocation. Am sexually fun and dynamic. Everything worldly is easy, and shaped auspiciously. Many, many little miracles.
What would threateningly lurk as painful life experience to others, is what makes me most spiritually graced. I welcome that which can take me down into the merciful, pleasurable darkness. PEACE.
ALL THIS {manifestation}, is remarkable to even billy.
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I am now writing for sanity (smh). Awareness is painfully keen, and I am sexually charged. I wish I could cry (do something) for relief (smile). My 'time' is not structured with more consuming activity until spring, and energy steadily overdoses me.
Having to live with the knowledge of one's emptiness makes the existential experience very distinct from regular conditional living. It is of a different syntax. The markers that guide one in conventional activity are absent. To a large extent, I am to make up 'rules' by the moment in a flow.
Detachment is no longer a matter of material adjustment, it is how I am to exist decisionally. I am sure there are more ways than I have laid out to have the syntax I allude to. serloco, do you know anything about the pain of this syntax? LOL!!
more later..
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I say 'pain,' but the juices are as much positive than anything else.. still, too much is too much. Really, I'm writing this as diary form to simply deal with it.
I'm embarrassed to admit (big smiling) that my wife has offered an extra bonus day of sex tomorrow and I can't deal with the waiting. I am sooo fucking anxious (loaded happy anticipation).
How did this happen I could be so turned on by my own wife?
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I'll say this is true:
Five years ago I was at conventional measurement lows in health, family, relations, financial outlook, etc. etc.
Today I am a 9-10 on a ten scale in every measure.
HOWEVER, I am only resolving life because of emtpiness resource. The amazing thing about finding the familial existential 'bottom(less)': THAT is where I find joy and ease, and where I want to be.
Practice detachment with a philosophical eye on 'dying.' Figuratively speaking, you need to genuinely kill your self*/SELF {image self*, AND AUTHENTIC SELF}.
The intent/trust will carry the day.... SELF will rise up stronger and stronger; self images will become more useful and dynamic.
Though I derived my path independently in next regard; this annihilation of self is OLD SCHOOL Christian quietism/mysticism practiced ramantly in the 17th & 18th century monastaries. Those, who lead the way often mention GOD to appease the Church, but it is clear that many were attaining 'enlightnenment' by virtue of an attributeless 'God' (emptiness*).
*serloco often refers to this as void or indifference.
I believe Shamanka calls it the 'point of unconcern.'
In detachment I refer to this emptines as space or separation. The practice of detachment becomes this space or separation (emptiness) in a prolific way when you finally obtain to negating self/SELF as I describe.
When you are REALLY doing (intending) it, believe me, you'll know you are doing (intending it) {the idea/spirit will take root}
How do you eat an elephant?
Answer: one bite at a time
Take opportunity one step at a time, and especially concerning opportunities in relating to significant others. Believe me, you practice in this arena enough, you will see 'other' in a different light. It is important though, not to get stuck on how you affect 'other (as you definitely will), but always bring focus back to the detachment step(s). {holding separation must become the fundamental principle.. then eventually you will know to be set on 'killing' your SELF in a profound manner.
You have to die. Really. (not referring to mortality either)
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I use severe words because the intent at the turning point of moving from everyday detachment practice to a more profound and permanent existential objectivity has sobering magnitude.
I mean, I need try and objectify my SELF. That is, treat my SELF as an object in the full scope of existential awareness. If this is done purely in the meaningless abyss of being, one sees SELF as worthless because there are no valuations in the void.
Yet, it is not possible to become an object. One fails there, and also fails to personalize by forfeiture to the abyss.
What is left ? ?
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You will now know empirically the meaning of controlled folly.
This creates untold diversification of previous manners, which by definition were all kinds of foolishness; and, that is now seen in truth.
So..
You are free to choose and act differently. You discover that the world responds to you. It would be mind blowing if not for all of the work of 'self negation' preceeding.
You become your dynamic SELF (more yourself, ego and all).
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I emphasize over and over the focus is not on the new and improved autonomy and manifesting. These are understood as what you call around here 'putting the tonal in order.' This is necessary for sure, but only in so much as they show me what I am. That is they don't make me what I am; they are to be SEEN as a reflection of my stillness and purity made manifest by my emptiness (from having died).
What death actually had occured? Answer: the cessation of illusion {illusion of selves (perhaps even SELF)}
I CANNOT explain the paradox of SELF and even selves arising truthfully. I mean, I (billy) is freely authentic and REAL. And still, I have not improved or changed hardly whatsoever. HERE is the point of this one entry..
EVERYTHING I have talked about (including the use and objectifying of my shame earlier).. EVERYTHING is reduced to trusting billy.............. which is peculiar to me, because all the words and empirical experiences now tell me that this was a choice always available to me. That is, it is a choice to me now too. I mean, when I wake up tomorrow I will choose to trust myself.
This is not onerous and chimerical as it seems to imply (in my case), because now this self trust is fixed in my intent. The resource of emptiness allows the capacity of intent to be used willfully, and rather easily once I have gotten the hang of it.
One thing is certain, the emptiness is NOT an illusion. It is as good as gold > and laughing at how words are silly, but the only avenue I knew to get where I am. Where am I? HERE, HERE I AM.
billy deciding to write here is mysterious nonetheless.
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Aren't I marvelous? S--M--I--L--I--N--G
serloco, who said I have to die ?
no, no, no..
laugh
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serloco, who said I have to die ?
no, no, no..
laugh
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billy wrote  erloco, who said I have to die ?
no, no, no..
laugh
ADD: I know how to cultivate the words given me. Nobody is doing what you are in pounding home the limitlessness. DO NOT STOP.
The songs reflecting my thoughts did not go by me either. Thank you.
P.S. In 40 years, not once did Susan use the word 'honey' and myself in the same realm. A few weeks ago she said, "Thank you honey" to me. I asked Susan if she had lost her mind.
Remember the stuff with my daughter? Completely different now..
(for others---It would be insane to explain how this works, without a person actually doing it, but serloco does a really good job in some earlier posts)
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serloco, who said I have to die ?
no, no, no..
laugh
ADD: I know how to cultivate the words given me. Nobody is doing what you are in pounding home the limitlessness. DO NOT STOP.
The songs reflecting my thoughts did not go by me either. Thank you.
P.S. In 40 years, not once did Susan use the word 'honey' and myself in the same realm. A few weeks ago she said, "Thank you honey" to me. I asked Susan if she had lost her mind.
Remember the stuff with my daughter? Completely different now..
(for others---It would be insane to explain how this works, without a person actually doing it, but serloco does a really good job in some earlier posts)
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In most, pain enters (when it does enter) with tinges of self-pity. In my awareness, self-pity happens likewise; and, I let it be what it is. I consciously surround it with infinite space {detachment>emptiness}.
This essentially makes the pain a smallish object; billy likes (laughing hilariously) playing with objects.
ADD: OMG, I gots sex on my brain. Susan...
Can I talk about details here?
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It is customary for most persons to think of highs and lows in rollercoaster fashion, whereas now, I have these compositely as an even experience. {Truthfully, I am high all the time (lol). (no drugs, just being billy)}.
I knew as detachment practices were more encompassing to make sure to objecify general long-term moods as I would a singular emotion. Whether I understand the reasons or not for a phase is a separate matter from identifying it (even if only broadly) and creating separation.
Ambiguity exists in practically everything when given generality, so instead of being robbed in uncertainty, I consciously amuse myself with details when they arise within an undefined state. I learn to enjoy my confusion and uncertainty within the context of ambiguity.
I intend to turn every occasion to one of my liking. I don't alter the occassion (necessarily); I alter my mind's view. I don't mean to be crass, but I have a very wealthy sister who mentioned that she and her other rich friends were in agreement that 'life brings you some ****, then more and more **** (bad things), and THEN EVEN MORE ****.. then you die.'
I said straight up, "Well, then you need to learn to like ****."
All four of my married siblings are rich.. not a single one is happy; this, even though they had the best of environments, family upbringing, love, and opportunity, and stable marriages.
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..AND, yes I am very happy
serloco--Yes, controlled folly. The people in my awareness, in my world, are mostly flipable. I can voice my intent inside of myself and control how they feel, and what they know. Indifferent is the key to controlled folly. When you have judgments about what they feel or think then they manifest, and yet in the sorcerer's controlled folly it is ultimately indifferent and the dreamer dreams the dream. They simply learn to control their perception/judgment/knowledge/awareness. Many do not like it after years of being a normal human because it can be rather cold. Of course one can use their control to make it warm.
I like life as it is. To mean, I do not construct a positive interpretation when a negative one comes to mind; yet, I have the ability to flip anything. Life need not be anything in particular. That is, identity is less important. Dark cavernous nothing is okay, if that's what I am aware of.
serloco once said to me, 'he surely does love his depression,' .. I understand this.
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..AND, yes I am very happy
serloco said: Yes, controlled folly. The people in my awareness, in my world, are mostly flipable. I can voice my intent inside of myself and control how they feel, and what they know. Indifferent is the key to controlled folly. When you have judgments about what they feel or think then they manifest, and yet in the sorcerer's controlled folly it is ultimately indifferent and the dreamer dreams the dream. They simply learn to control their perception/judgment/knowledge/awareness. Many do not like it after years of being a normal human because it can be rather cold. Of course one can use their control to make it warm.
I like life as it is. To mean, I do not construct a positive interpretation when a negative one comes to mind; yet, I have the ability to flip anything. Life need not be anything in particular. That is, identity is less important. Dark cavernous nothing is okay, if that's what I am aware of.
serloco once said to me, 'he surely does love his depression,' .. I understand this.
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serloco said- Define your reality carefully, and do not accept even the possibility of encountering {negative} ailments... Counteract the threats with knowledge like "my mind is special because I know sorcery, and I can intend a fast and enhanced state that counteracts all such threats". MAke it up billy, use that imagination and create the knowledge you want in your life. Despose, rewrite, counteract the knowledge you do not want.
I love that serloco helps me understand to alter the oppositions and occasions, but being lazy, I also want serloco to hear of my endurance to experience oppositions and adverse occasions as they are/ LOL (true).
Susan is watching a lofty segment about ART as medium for ULTIMATE DIGNITY. (I'm mischievously thinking what is really ULTIMATE ? ? .. then I intrude the space where she is sitting by rolling under her feet.. she is annoyed and kicks me. Full of myself, I say truthfully say (LAUGHING telling you this), "My dignity is between your legs." Susan returns nasty aspersion, but her despisement is specious.
Truth cannot happen as philosophic model, the moment of reckoning is always this one. And in this one moment I am simple.. and, if I am lucky, I TASTE the purity.
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serloco said- Define your reality carefully, and do not accept even the possibility of encountering {negative} ailments... Counteract the threats with knowledge like "my mind is special because I know sorcery, and I can intend a fast and enhanced state that counteracts all such threats". MAke it up billy, use that imagination and create the knowledge you want in your life. Despose, rewrite, counteract the knowledge you do not want.
I love that serloco helps me understand to alter the oppositions and occasions, but being lazy, I also want serloco to hear of my endurance to experience oppositions and adverse occasions as they are/ LOL (true).
Susan is watching a lofty segment about ART as medium for ULTIMATE DIGNITY. (I'm mischievously thinking what is really ULTIMATE ? ? .. then I intrude the space where she is sitting by rolling under her feet.. she is annoyed and kicks me. Full of myself, I say truthfully say (LAUGHING telling you this), "My dignity is between your legs." Susan returns nasty aspersion, but her despisement is specious.
Truth cannot happen as philosophic model, the moment of reckoning is always this one. And in this one moment I am simple.. and, if I am lucky, I TASTE the purity.
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I did not mean it to be, but can you see how loaded those last words are (entendre)?
Oh My God.
Look, I don't want to turn ya' all into sex addicts (chuckle). I do have my avocation of betting horses which is distantly abstract from the sexual premise. I am an avid TV watcher of many sports games. I am a Flyer basketball fanatic (I even occassionally post on their forum). I like work on home and yard stuff, and I can attend to Susan without being blatantly sexual. I do other things than just posting with a slant here.
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I don't mean to compete with the Texas 'Affluenza' manslaughter boy, but I've been telling things as they are.
The intensity of pleasure I'm receiving is an issue of magnitude, and it just seems to increase. I don't know if I can take it > l-- a-- u-- g-- h-- i-- n-- g Seriously, it hurts.
I have WANTED to enter into any sort of depression, but am a little afraid because I don't always stick to moderation in such 'adventures.' The pleasure is a grand thing alright, but as I said earlier, "too much is too much."
And, I'm asking myself, "What if I like the depression?" (as I seem to turn everything upside down)
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I am dead serious too. I have e-mailed serloco for the first time in months about this matter.
Never mind, I just figured out to inculcate small doses of negativity into the makeup. Who would have ever thought negativity would be really useful even without modification?
ADD: I know you don't understand what the *** I am talking about, but I am happy now for some negative thoughts/emotions to temper the buzzing existential excitement I 'endure.'
Oh ***, you have no idea that so much pleasure is a challenge. {Laugh smh laugh smh laugh}
Okay, so before I write again something that makes sense to you... The intrusion of negative emotion in this pleasure state allows some semblance of an object to pierce a hole. Kind of like acupuncture..
so it displaces the stress of being happy (can't stop laughing).
And screw you, now I'm going to teach you, and no apologies are being offerd. Forget the mirror ****; I'll pound it into your fucking heads.
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I am dead serious too. I have e-mailed serloco for the first time in months about this matter.
Never mind, I just figured out to inculcate small doses of negativity into the makeup. Who would have ever thought negativity would be really useful even without modification?
ADD: I know you don't understand what the *** I am talking about, but I am happy now for some negative thoughts/emotions to temper the buzzing existential excitement I 'endure.'
Oh ***, you have no idea that so much pleasure is a challenge. {Laugh smh laugh smh laugh}
Okay, so before I write again something that makes sense to you... The intrusion of negative emotion in this pleasure state allows some semblance of an object to pierce a hole. Kind of like acupuncture..
so it displaces the stress of being happy (can't stop laughing).
And screw you, now I'm going to teach you, and no apologies are being offered. Forget the mirror ****; I'll pound it into your fucking heads.
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I just have to start this with one word.. CHOICE
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I promise to be simple as possible. You have to think and then store the impetus of the ideas in your mental file. Spirit will help after. This first principle has to be grasped and made into one of those ideas.
You must recognize that choice be understood and executed from your base. I mean, all the miracles, money, relations, and fantastic stuff before your eyes has zero value in relation if not for a root choice of having it.
What I mean is you are going to start training yourself (in principle) never to be responsive. The first choice above others is to detach yourself. You bring separation and pause so you initiate the thought and action to have or not have (CHOOSE). AND, AND, AND.. you need to isolate this process, to have knowing of CHOOSING.
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So the first exercise to have an empircal knowing of CHOICE is.. PART 1) treat an object(ive) and any result as having zero value
PART 2) act in the vacuum of detachment forthwith
Pay attention to this DOING as CHOICE !
The easiest starter is an incoming object (your spouse says something deragatory) Identify this object as 'insult' (this pause to be explicit IS detachment/ HOLD that pause).
1) the object 'insult' has no value whatsoever {you KNOW that}
2) acting on something with no value is fluid and care free {you DO that}
CHOICE > watch as dispassionate observer {AWARE}
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The problem here, is that results seem to become predictive and you have expectation. Then an unexpected result crosses you. SET your mind > the result does NOT matter.
(he/she kisses you)
(he/she insults you more)
(he/she throws dishes)
(he/she walks out)
(he/she apologizes)
The crux of freedom is in the indifference shown by you. You will learn the art of filling that void later via an inexplicable tiny opening (the universe awaits you)
I don't want you to believe me. Believe yourself.
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